I'm Sorry If I Offended You

The forced apology is one of the greatest traditions in this country today. With so many media outlets, whenever a celebrity, politician, or athlete says or does something offensive, it is bound to be picked up by someone within a day or two. This usually results in the original party backtracking from what they said or did with a varying level of sincerity. Within a week, everyone moves on and usually forgets that anything happened. Rinse, repeat. These “apologies” can hardly be considered sincere, as they are mainly designed to show as little regret as possible. As future lawyers, we need to be able to sift through the morass of b.s. that will be thrown our way, so I will now attempt to decipher some recent sports apologies.

Tim Hardaway hates gay people apparently, as he so eloquently expressed last week on. Given the severity of his remarks, Hardaway was bound to issue a clarifying statement eventually. Let’s take a look:

"As an African-American, I know all too well the negative thoughts and feelings hatred and bigotry cause. I regret and apologize for the statements that I made that have certainly caused the same kinds of feelings and reactions.”

Hardaway attempts to deflect criticism away from him by reminding us that he has also been the target of the same kind of venom that he dished out. This just seems to make his comments even dumber. Next, he apologizes if his statements were thought of as hateful or bigoted. He obviously doesn’t think they are, or else he wouldn’t have weaseled around this issue like that. Continuing to the second part:

"I especially apologize to my fans, friends and family in Miami and Chicago. I am committed to examining my feelings and will recognize, appreciate and respect the differences among people in our society. I regret any embarrassment I have caused the league on the eve of one of their greatest annual events.”

Translation: I will pretend I don’t hate gay people if you all will like me again.

Because of the bluntness of his original statement, I highly doubt that Hardaway is committed to doing anything that he just said he would. If he was, it wouldn’t have taken the negative reaction he received from his comments to convince him that he needed to reexamine his views.

That was a really serious analysis, so let’s move on to some more light-hearted incidents. Carmelo Anthony punched Mardy Collins during a game a couple of months ago and then immediately ran away like a scared chicken. In the aftermath, he issued the following statements:

“Last night's altercation with the Knicks escalated further than it should have. I take full responsibility for my actions in the matter. In the heat of the moment I let my emotions get the best of me. I apologize to the fans, the Denver Nuggets, the NBA, my mother, and my family for the embarrassment I have caused them. I ask you all for your forgiveness.”

In a rarity, Carmelo is actually taking responsibility for what he did, although he tries to blame some of it off on his “emotions,” meaning he couldn’t control himself so it’s not his fault. In the end though, he admits that he embarrassed everyone, instead of the weasel-version (“I’m sorry IF I embarrassed anyone”). Overall, a solid apology.

Chargers linebacker Shawn Merriman was suspended for testing positive to steroids. In addressing his alleged cheating, Merriman claimed:

“I’m not a cheater. I don’t believe in cheating the game. I have no reason to cheat the game. I’m about playing football and I’m a great football player. I’ll continue to go out and show that and prove that. Hopefully over time people will see that I’m a terrific football player and a terrific person; that I don’t condone cheating.”

Umm, ok. Then why did you test positive for steroids? Maybe you took too many vitamin shots out of Miguel Tejada’s locker when you toured Camden Yards in Week 4? I don’t know; I’m not a doctor. Merriman claimed that the positive test result was from a tainted supplement that contained nandrolone, which is a banned anabolic steroid. His lawyer blamed the entire situation on the lack of supplement regulation by the FDA. This is a growing concern in the nutrition industry, and I think we should all keep an eye on what kinds of unmarked white pills in unlabeled bottles we are currently taking.

Finally, for a bit of country flavor, we turn to Michael Waltrip’s fiasco last week before the Daytona 500, when it was discovered that someone added what was most likely rocket fuel to his car.

“I know I am good enough to do it without having any cheating on my car. I don't need it. I can go fast without it. I think we proved that today. This is my fault. You can't be skeptical of Toyota. You have to look straight at me."

Waltrip seems to be saying that he didn’t need to cheat to be good, but he cheated anyway. I can understand his position, because who wouldn’t want to add rocket fuel to their car? It’s rocket fuel! Another explanation for this incident is a little case of corporate espionage. This is the first season Toyota is racing in the Nextel Cup, and I wouldn’t be surprised if a certain American car company who hired a really annoying singer for their commercials sent someone down to Waltrip’s garage with a can of rocket fuel. Think of the scandal!