You Decide 2k8

As the second-most popular sports columnist on campus (I think), I get a fair amount of feedback from various law students and faculty. However, I was surprised with the flood of emails I received over break (over 700), mostly espousing on how important this column was to various students. One emailer wrote in to say that “as a 1L facing a lot of pressure to do well in law school, your column provides me a bi-weekly dose of sanity. Without your hilarious commentary on sports, I probably would have dropped out after three weeks.” Take that, Dr. Phil! Another student commented that “your column is a shining beacon in the morass of terrible sports columns and legal publications. I don’t even care that it’s not related to pressing law school issues. Don’t stop writing!” Worry no longer, dear reader, for this column will press on even in the face of the toughest adversity and academic criticism. We now resume your regularly-scheduled sports commentary.

While I don’t pretend to be a political maven like some of my fellow classmates, I see definite parallels between sports and politics. It takes a special kind of talent to talk for two hours and say absolutely nothing, to ignore a direct question by changing the subject, or to distract from your own shortcomings by insulting your opponent. Last year I touched on this parallel by imagining how the skills of certain coaches would translate over into the political realm. With the election looming, it’s time to take the opposite look at how our presidential candidates would fare in the world of sports.

Barrack Obama: Bringing in Obama as a new coach is like hiring a college coach with no NFL experience to coach an NFL team. Kind of like how Lane Kiffin replaced the horrendous Art Shell as head coach of the Raiders and led to the team to the playoffs. Oh wait. With a knack for soaring rhetoric, Obama would make pregame locker room speeches a must-see event. However, coaching in the NFL is more than just waxing poetically to the media and preparing your team during the week by saying, “hey, I am here.” You actually have to do work, something I don’t think Obama really understands. By Week 3, he would already be trying to line up another coaching gig with a better team.

Hillary Clinton: Clinton is like Cooper Manning (Eli and Peyton’s brother) except she refuses to sit quietly in the press box while her more successful family members win Super Bowls. Not happy with her job at the family passing academy, she yearns for the big stage. Surely all those late nights spent talking with Bill about how to beat the Cover 2 will translate into major success when she strikes out on her own. I am also impressed that she has sought guidance outside of the Clinton inner circle, as she appears to have enlisted Dick Vermeil as her new mentor.

Rudy Giuliani: Giuliani is the hard-nosed tactician who gets the job done, much like Bill Belichick, and like Belichick, you don’t want to cross the Mayor, as you will then be dead to him if you are in fact still alive after crossing him. If you drop a pass because you are afraid of getting knocked to the ground, Giuliani will go on the radio the next week and insult your three-year old daughter. If you are late to a meeting, he will put a skunk in your locker, steal your playbook, and key your car. And, if you try to steal coaches from his staff after leaving to coach a rival team and then rat on him for videotaping your sideline, he will knife you at midfield during the post-game handshake.

Mike Huckabee: Switching over to baseball analogies for a second, Huckabee is Ozzie Guillen reborn as a guy who was once governor of Arkansas. Rejecting time-tested theories (like not sacrifice bunting on every play and evolution), the Huckster would assemble a team that would dominate the league if the homerun were ever abolished. Valuing such abstract skills as “scrappiness” and “grit,” the lineup would be a modern day Murderer’s Row, featuring such sluggers as David Eckstein, Darin Erstad, and Christian Guzman.

Ron Paul: Paul is the coaching candidate that the students love but the old-guard boosters think is a lunatic. He would have some crazy ideas, like lining up three quarterbacks in the backfield and running the statue of liberty play every down, but in real life, these would probably backfire. His proposal to quit the NCAA would initially be met with quizzical looks but his southern charm and refusal to return donations from white supremacists would quickly win over the student body. Paul’s ultimate goal would be to dismantle the university and have the football team exist as its own entity. Now there’s a man who understands the true nature of college sports!