Ramblings of a Lazy Sports Writer

Those of you who are dedicated readers of Left-Wing Lock (all 7 of you) might be wondering how I manage to come up with a column topic for each issue. Maybe you think I have an astute awareness of the pressing issues facing the sporting world or maybe I just write about whatever headline is currently on ESPN.com.

Good guesses, but you’re a bit off. You see, being the industrious law student that I am, I don’t have the time to come up with any topics at all. Once I get a topic, I can bang out a column pretty quickly, but the initial idea takes a lot of thought. Rather than take the exorbitant time to do some research on a unique issue, I ask my friend, who we’ll call “AJ,” for some ideas.

This has always worked well in the past, and I see no reason why it shouldn’t continue. When talking with AJ this week, he wasn’t as cogent as he usually is; so, as a result, today’s column will feature several themes that I don’t feel like expounding in a full column. Now that you know my secret, please don’t tell my editors. They might decide that I am just an unnecessary middleman and let AJ write the columns himself.

Crosby v. Ovechkin
All you hockey fans out there no doubt have been following the development of NHL super rookies Sidney Crosby of the Penguins and Alexander Ovechkin of the Capitals. While Ovechkin entered the league in relative anonymity, Crosby was projected as the first overall pick when he was only 15. Has he lived up to the hype? As of the Olympic break, young Crosby has 65 points (28 goals, 37 assists), compared to Ovechkin’s 69 points (36 goals, 33 assists). Not that big a difference, so which player is actually better? Both teams have mediocre records, but Crosby is surrounded by a far greater level of talent. Let’s also not forget that Crosby is living with one of the greatest players of all-time, Mario Lemieux, while Ovechkin is sharing a DuPont loft with a Georgetown 3L. Not exactly an ideal mentoring situation.

From my limited observation of each player, I will give the edge to Ovechkin. Crosby is one of the guys with a “tremendous work effort.” That’s all well and good, but this isn’t high school. Anyone can be a hard worker; it’s quite another thing to have natural talent, and Ovechkin has Crobsy beat in that department. At a recent Caps game, they showed a countdown of Ovechkin’s Top 10 goals. Needless to say, there was a common theme throughout each highlight, and it usually involved Ovechkin skating the length of rink around every other player.

Finally, Ovechkin made the Russian Olympic team, while Crosby failed to make the Canadian squad. Even though Canada is fielding the best team in the history of sports, the fact that an 18-year old with only half a season of professional hockey experience could not make the roster says to me that Crosby is just not that good. Advantage: Ovechkin.

[Paragraph Removed to protect anonymity]

Quail Hunting
So by now, that guy Cheney shot is probably dead. Aside from this whole event showing us that Cheney should not be trusted with a shotgun, let alone President Bush (Political commentary in a sports column? I’m not above such things), I now finally have an excuse to talk about my long-hidden passion: quail hunting.

To me, the only thing lacking in mainstream sports is the opportunity to kill something.

That, and food.

Luckily, the sport of quail hunting combines both into an amazing and delightful experience. Cheney is quite an astute man if he counts quail hunting as one of his hobbies. Any idiot can go hunt rabbits or bears or mountain lions, but it takes real skill to hunt a smallish bird, bred in captivity, and then released into the wild.

Some would call this shooting fish in a barrel; I call it shooting quail in an open field. Potato, potahto. The quail is also the inspiration for the most powerful superhero of all-time, Quailman, who, as we all remember, saved the world countless times from Dr. Klotzenstein, the Rulemeister, and RoboBone.

Winter Games: Prelude to the Summer Olympics

By now, you should be recovered from your post-Super Bowl hangover, which is good, because in just three short days, the Winter Games of the 20th Olympiad will begin in Turin, Italy. Or is it Torino, Italy? Turin? Torino? Turin? Torino? After first hearing that the games were being played in Torino on the stupid Visa commercial with that snowboarder, I investigated further. Apparently, Torino is the Italian name of the city, while Turin is the Americanized name. Good work, Olympic marketers! Now we have half a million people with t-shirts that have the wrong name of the city. I’m going with Turin for the simple reason that if the Games were in Rome, we would not call them the Roma Games. Plus, I’ve already bought several dozen Olympic sweatshirts that say Turin, and I don’t want to throw them away.

Now that that’s settled, let’s take a look at some of the more interesting sports that will be contested over the next two weeks. Unlike the Summer Games, with its overloaded buffet of sporting events like trampoline and rhythmic gymnastics, the sports of the Winter Games fall neatly into only seven categories. After watching the previous world championships from almost every featured sport, I can safely give my expert opinion on what I think will be the most intriguing events to watch from each category.

Biathlon
This sport originated in Norway in the 18th century when northern Norwegian soldiers often had to ski over extremely flat fields and then shoot dead lemmings that had been pinned to trees as training for their war against the southern Norwegians. Oddly enough, the United States has never won a medal in this event, so if you want to be ahead of the game, root for Jay Hakkinen, who is apparently the best American biathlete despite his 13th-place finish in Salt Lake City. When Jimmy Roberts does a sappy profile on him after he finishes ninth, you can turn to your friends and say, “Hey, I knew about that guy two weeks ago!”

Bobsleigh
Bobsleigh and skeleton make up the two events in this category. Bobsleigh, as we all know, was invented on the island of Jamaica by four colorful Jamaicans and John Candy back in 1988. Since then, the less-tropical nations have caught on, leaving the Jamaicans in the dust for the past 18 years. Skeleton made its resurgence in 2002 after a 54-year absence from the games. This event is similar to the luge, except riders go down the course face first, which makes for a much less exciting race. Jim Shea Jr. captured the nation’s heart in Salt Lake City by becoming the first third-generation Olympic athlete, winning the gold medal by 0.05 seconds. Unfortunately, there are only second-generation Olympians in the skeleton event this year, so no one will be paying attention.

Curling
This sport apparently originated in Scotland, although many Canadians claim that their country invented the sport as an alternative for those children who sucked at hockey. Teams of four attempt to place stones on a target, using brooms and chimney sweeps to slow or quicken the pace of the stone. There is also a lot of strategy involved, as stones can be used to block later stones thrown by the other team. After watching the sport back in 2002, my friend claimed that he could make the Olympic team after only playing the sport for a week. We all laughed back then, but he’s the one laughing now, as he just earned a spot on the US team over the weekend.

Ice Hockey
Canada’s other pastime, ice hockey, also originated in the British Isles. While the Brits would love to relive their glory days of the 19th Century, sadly they didn’t qualify for Turin. The match that’s on everyone’s mind is the grudge match between the US and Kazakhstan on February 16, when the Kazakh team will try to prove its country is famous for something other than hilarious television reporters. The Canadians look like the favorite here, but don’t be surprised if a feisty US team sneaks its way into the semifinals. Do I smell “Miracle on Ice 2”? YES!

Luge
Luge is the French word for sled. Why it deserves its own classification on the official Olympic website is beyond me. Invented by Vikings as a way of weeding out the stupid ones (no sane Viking would ever agree to ride on a sled), the first international luge race was won by an Australian. An auspicious beginning for a sport that has captured the imaginations of dozens. For some reason, someone thought it would be a good idea to have a doubles event for this sport. This event has the distinction of being the only mixed sport in the Olympics (except mixed doubles, if that’s actually an Olympic sport). Men and women, however, have traditionally not ridden together on the same team. Hello, Martha Burk, do I sense a lawsuit?

Skating
Women’s figure skating is probably the premier event of the Games. In the past 12 years, we have been treated to some amazing storylines. First, we had little Tonya Harding (back before her Celebrity Boxing days) trying to put the kibosh on Nancy Kerrigan’s knee but to no avail. Then, we had little Tara Lipinski steal the gold out from under 18-year old Michelle Kwan’s nose. Next, we had little Sarah Hughes steal the gold out from under 22-year old Michelle Kwan’s nose. You all see what I’m building to, right? Will this be the year that Kimmie Meissner finally breaks through and wins the gold medal? Only Dick Button knows for sure.

Skiing
Last, and certainly least, we have skiing. With six disciplines (including snowboarding, which oddly enough is competed on skis), skiing has something for everyone. Not to be outdone by the geniuses who came up with the biathlon, the southern Norwegians decided to combine ski jumping and cross-country skiing into the Nordic Combined event. Evidently, southern Norway was unprepared for the invasion by the biathlon trained northern Norwegians in the Battle of Nesjar, so they decided to perfect a new training regimen by jumping off of cliffs and then (for those that survived) skiing over the extremely flat terrain for many miles.