Read This Column Instead of Studying

Since it’s finals time, I should be studying, and this column won’t be printed for another week, I thought I would address some random points that I’ve been kicking around. You can call this the Thanksgiving Leftovers Column. [TM or SM (I’m not sure, since I haven’t taken Trademark yet. Can you even trademark a column title?)] To help you skip over the topics you don’t want to read about, I’ve conveniently labeled each paragraph with a clever heading. Enjoy!

MLB: Awards Given to People Who Don’t Deserve Them

There is nothing more inane than debating who should win the MVP or Manager of the Year awards. Ryan Howard may have single-handedly saved the game of baseball somehow by playing atrocious defense and not leading his team into the playoffs, but I don’t think he should have won the MVP for that. Similarly, Joe Girardi should probably not have won Manager of the Year after his team finished under .500 and didn’t make the playoffs. Who cares if they were playing a bunch of rookies? Apparently those rookies were pretty good, and since the Marlins fired Girardi, they don’t really seem to think too highly of his managerial skills. Since I was under the impression that baseball (and basketball and football and hockey) were team sports, we should probably give out an award for the best team. We could call it the league championship, and the teams with the best records would play each other at the end of the season.

NFL: Announcers on TV say clichés a lot

I read Phil Simms’s book on exposing football myths awhile ago and agreed with most of it. He railed against the use of clichés by broadcasters, such as saying the quarterback threw into triple coverage. This is misleading, since teams seldom if ever cover one player with three defensive players. Rather, they have players cover specific “zones”, and sometimes, there are three players in one “zone” where the quarterback happens to throw the ball. I believe this defensive scheme is called zone coverage, and it has become quite popular lately. Any credibility Simms had in my eyes after reading this chapter fell by the wayside after he repeatedly used the very same terms in his broadcasts. I am only left to conclude that this book was probably written by a ghostwriter and that Simms’s contributions only amounted to some post-game quotes that the author read in an old newspaper article. Since every broadcaster seems to be doing this, I think we need a new term to describe what happens when a quarterback throws to a receiver who is being covered by a corner with safety help. We could call it “single-and-then-one-of-the-safeties-came-over-to-help-after-the-pass-was-thrown coverage.” While it’s a bit of a mouthful, I think football fans will appreciate the more accurate commentary.

College Football: BCS Champion Still Not Crowned

USC probably beat UCLA on Saturday which means they are probably playing Ohio State in the BCS National Championship game, and sports columnists probably spent the last few days arguing whether this is fair. Some people will say “We need a playoff system,” while others will say, “Every college football game is a playoff game.” Both points are pretty valid, and if we simply combine the two arguments, we would have our solution. Make every game a single elimination playoff game. If a team loses any game, its season is over. When we are left with only one undefeated team, we will crown that team the national champion. The downside to this plan is that this will only encourage teams to schedule cupcakes to maintain their undefeated record. The simple solution to this problem is to kick all the 1-A crappy conferences into 1-AA. The winner of the 1-AA title would get to play as an independent in 1-A the following season and could stay there if they finished the season with more than 8 wins. Another problem is the season could be finished pretty quickly if the best teams lose early. To solve this problem, every losing team would keep playing for the chance to be crowned the number two team. We would then have the number one and two teams play at the end of the season — Oh wait.

NBA and NHL: Yes, the season has started

Unbeknownst to many of you, the NBA and NHL seasons have been up and running for the past two months, and we have all witnessed some exciting things. The Knicks already equaled their entire win total from last season and also somehow got Eddy Curry to lose 40 pounds, stopped Steven Francis and Stephon Marbury from taking 80 shots each a game, and kept Isiah alive well into the second month of the season. They may one day figure out how to win three games in a row, and when that happens, watch out. Over on the ice, someone told the Buffalo Sabres that they didn’t actually win the 1999 Stanley Cup, and they are pretty mad. Someone also told the Anaheim Ducks that there won’t be a fourth Mighty Ducks movie and that they no longer have the word “Mighty” in their name, and they are also pretty mad. In response to these turns of events, both teams have gone on a tear, racking up 40 points a third of the way into the season. You’d better hope that they don’t have any more of their preconceived notions of reality shattered, or they may never lose another game. EVER.

While you may think that the above observations are pretty superficial and based only on me looking at the league standings, I can assure you that you are 100 percent correct. Now go back and finish your outline, 1Ls (2Ls and 3Ls, you can go back to sleep).

Drew Bledsoe has Nothing on Us

Monday, October 30, 2006

Welcome Readers

We are starting this site in response to the excellent reception received by Drew Bledsoe’s blog. However, this won’t be a platform for us bitching out the people who are starting ahead of us, since all three of us are the best players on our respective teams. Don’t worry, Drew, I’m sure you’ll get your job back eventually. It is an exciting time here in the District, now that my team is back in season (and I also beat my arrest rap from this summer). Last week, we rolled out our new gold alternate jerseys, giving me an excuse to double my current jersey collection to 500. We open this Wednesday at Cleveland, and I’ve got a little something planned for LeBron before the game. Stay tuned.
Posted by Agent ZERO @ 5:15 AM

Your job’s your credit

We had a bye yesterday. This gave me a lot of time to think up some new characters for the season, which is probably going to be the highlight of our season at this point. I’ve been talking to Joe every day about starting my boy Todd Collins instead of that idiot Brunell. Me and Sean Taylor had a plan to get rid of him permanently this summer. We set him up to star in one of our Eastern Motors Training Camp commercial, and then have LaVar tackle him from behind into a pickup truck. It was the perfect plan, but he cancelled the day before to go to some Bible Convention.
Posted by Sherriff Gonna Getcha @ 4:30 PM

Hello Friend
I am very honored to be writing on internet weblog. Thanks Gilbert and Clinton for giving me very amazing chance to practice my English. I learned this language as young boy in Moscow by listening to Yakov Smirnov tapes, so please excuse me if I sound like him. As you know, I am a super-class hockey player for the Washington Capitols. This season I have many teammate who actually score goals. What a country! Tonight I am in Calgary to play Flames. I do not understand your North American team nicknames. In Soviet Russia, team names you. Seriously. My name used to be Arkadiy Arkadov. What a country!
Posted by Alexander the Great @ 6:11 PM

Wednesday, November 1, 2006
I am hilarious

So tonight we were in Cleveland to play the Cavs and LeBron, who beat us in the playoffs last year because LeBron paid the officials $50 before each game and gave them starring roles in the new “The LeBrons” Nike ads. This had been eating at me all summer, so I hatched a plan to get revenge. Before the game, I snuck into the Cavs’ locker room, stole Bron Bron’s new Zoom LeBron III shoes and replaced them with my Adidas Gil Zeros. My old teammate Larry Hughes gave me the code to the locker room, and he lent me a Cavs warm-up jersey so I could blend in. Yes I’ve been planning this for awhile. After I switched the shoes, I went to the local Boys and Girls Club and donated them to the first kid I saw. He was really happy. I also gave him LeBron’s watch. Too bad we lost, since I missed the first half of the game.
Posted by Agent ZERO @ 11:37 PM

We’re talking practice

It’s Wednesday, which means Coach Saunders give us the game plan for this weekend’s pivotal game against our hated rival, the Cowboys. I’ve been looking forward to this game for the past two weeks because if we lose, that means I can check out for the rest of the season. People have been talking about Coach’s supposed 700-page playbook all season, and frankly it’s all pretty stupid. Sure, Mr. Snyder cut down an entire forest on his property, but it was to get a better view of the Potomac. If you want the truth, we don’t even have a playbook. Brunell just shouts out patterns at the line and then taps his helmet twice if we’re going to run. Gotta run, I’m about to go to my favorite nightclub in DC, Fur.

Posted by Reverend Gonna Change @ 11:53 PM

Hello again Friend

We had great victory over Calgary on Monday. I scored two assists. Hoora! Comrade Semin is scoring many goal this year. It is good to have fellow Russian on team because he understand all my jokes, like the one about prostitute from Vladivostok. He laugh many times. We opened new rink in Arlington for many practice sessions. I am excited to go to Coldstone Creamery and get large ice cream sundae. In Soviet Russia, stone colds you!

Posted by Alexander the Great @ 11:59 PM
Friday, November 03, 2006
I continue to amuse myself

Tomorrow is our home opener against the Celtics and we will be raising a new banner to the rafters of the Verizon Center. No, not another Mystics League Attendance Record banner. This one just has the number zero. My idea. As you know, I am donating $100 to a different local school for each point I score at home this season. Just a heads up for those of you who have me on your fantasy team: don’t start me on the road. I’m going to put up at least 60 points at home, but on the road, I’m going to need to take a break. It’s for the kids. Yesterday at practice I switched all the new fake leather balls with the old real leather ones we used last season. You should have seen everyone’s faces when I told them. They were not happy.
Posted by Agent ZERO @ 3:46 PM

Veinte Y Seis

People are always making a big deal about the so-called crazy antics of the wide receivers in the league. Oh, Chad Johnson said something at a press conference and didn’t back it up during the game! Let’s all pay attention to him. And don’t get me started on TO. Falling asleep in meetings! Oh, what a bad ass. Everyone does that. I’m in a meeting right now while I’m writing this, instead of listening to Coach Saunders explain how many helmet taps is an off tackle play. I think it’s three.
Posted by Kid Bro Sweets @ 5:15 PM

Greetings Friend

I am very excited about the game tonight. Kaptain Chris Clark told me that bare naked ladies are singing American anthem. What a country! I have not seen woman naked since vacation in Amsterdam last summer. Russian women also good looking. I have many offers from Russian brides but I am not ready to settle down. I am still enjoying crazy bachelor lifestyle here in District of Columbia. Tonight after the game, I will go to Reef in Adam Morgans with Comrade Kovalchuk. He is big fan of fish. In Adams Morgan, beer drinks you!
Posted by Alexander the Great @ 6:44 PM

Mr. La Russa Goes to Washington

The world of politics has long been infiltrated by outsiders — Ronald Reagan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Teddy Roosevelt, to name a few. Yes, Teddy Roosevelt is a political outsider. How else do you explain his zero first-place finishes in the President Race this season at RFK? Surely a true Beltway Insider would have been able to bribe his way to at least one win. Sometimes former athletes and coaches find their way into politics, but as the Governator proved a few years ago, any likable celebrity running against a weak opponent will probably win, even if they have zero political experience. With that said, I am hopeful that we will soon see more sports figures running for office. Here are the breakdowns of these potential future races.

Bill Belichick (R-MA) v. Matt Millen (D-MI) This race is not as one-sided as it appears. Everyone already thinks Belichick is a brainiac, but look where that got Al Gore. His platform, however, of fiscal responsibility will resonate strongly with a lot of voters. The Patriots are $20 million under the cap this season, which, if translated to the federal budget, would mean a $400 billion reduction in the federal budget in just one year. That’s quite a platform. Also, Belichick hardly gets any sleep, since he is constantly trying to outthink his opponents. This would be a huge improvement over our current president, who doesn’t even stay up late enough to catch the 10 O’clock news.

Millen, on the other hand, looks like a complete moron compared to Belichick, but is he that bad a candidate? His 21-64 record while president of the Lions is nothing to sneeze at. How many other people could be that abysmal at their job, yet still not get fired? We are looking at one of the most charismatic and dangerous individuals in all the free world. Wouldn’t you rather have this person in the position of President of the United States instead of in some other job where he could do us real harm? I know I would.

Tony La Russa (I-MO) v. Jim Leyland (D-MI) This race is a tough one to call, since both candidates are certified geniuses. Look at La Russa’s track record. He knows how to hit (.199 lifetime batting average), he knows how to win (one World Series title), he knows how to lose (47 playoff loses), he knows how to ignore the glaringly obvious (two of the biggest steroid users ever on his teams), and he is a lawyer (J.D. from Florida State). To date, La Russa has made 18 strategic moves this postseason, and 19 of them have been correct (we’re adding on an extra correct move in anticipation of what is obviously forthcoming). This kind of strategic skill is desperately needed in Washington today, although we do already have a president who’s never made a mistake.

Leyland, on the other hand, has a mustache, and polls show that 87% of voters in red states have mustaches, giving him loads of street cred with Republicans. Also, he is old, which will get him the AARP vote (although, he is apparently the same age as La Russa, yet looks 20 years older. That mustache must be eating up all of his life energy). The important thing about Leyland is that he knows how to teach born losers how to win, something the Democrats obviously don’t know how to do. Under his guidance, the Democrats could win every toss-up state running rookie senatorial candidates and washed-up journeymen with bad tempers who hate cameras.

Phil Jackson (D-CA) v. Larry Brown (I-wherever the winds takes him) Jackson is a born winner. He surrounds himself with talent and uses that talent to win. As President, Jackson would no doubt assemble one of the best cabinets of all time, with MJ as Secretary of State, Shaq as Secretary of Defense, Kobe as Attorney General, and Red Auerbach as Postmaster General. This group, however, would cause a lot of problems for Phil, so he would probably resign, write a book, get named Speaker of the House, and then poison the current President and Vice President’s food at the same state dinner to become President again. The second time, only Kobe would be around in the cabinet, and Phil would probably make him do all the work by naming him Secretary of the entire Executive Branch.

Brown wouldn’t need the glitz and glamour of such a high profile cabinet. He would take the homeless people and hippie protesters out of Lafayette Park and turn them into the greatest Executive Branch in history. Of course, conflict would arise when Brown favors Anti-Nuclear Weapons Hippie over Need Money for Kung Fu Lessons Bum because the hippie went to UNC. After a year or so, Brown would get bored, start talking to Britain about becoming Prime Minister over there, and then get a huge severance payment at taxpayer expense.

The Greatest Story Ever Told … for the 400th Time

Around this time of year, with the football season in full swing and the baseball playoffs just starting up, I get fed up with the sports media and launch into a tirade of how awful it is. Two years ago, I made the groundbreaking assertion that Joe Buck and Tim McCarver are horrible announcers. Last year, I made the same pronouncement about ESPN. Truly, these were earth-shattering observations.

Before I launch into this year’s edition, I would like to update and possibly revise my previous comments. Joe Buck and Tim McCarver are still terrible. Nothing new there, except maybe we’re a year closer from them getting fired or dying. While Buck and McCarver have maintained the same level of mediocrity over the past two years, ESPN has devolved into a degenerate mess. Every highlight is two seconds long, every segment is sponsored, and every Disney vehicle is cross-promoted to death.

But enough dwelling in the obvious. Today I will direct my wrath towards the next offender: the magazine profile puff piece. You’re probably already familiar with this type of article: the author picks the new flavor of the week, talks to his dad or childhood friend, and writes a stunning portrayal of this amazing human being. Rinse, Repeat, and you’ve got the entire issue.

Let me spare you the $3.95 for next week’s Sports Illustrated and paraphrase most of the articles.

LIFE LESSONS: Athlete X lived in the inner city, but he was good at basketball. His grandmother raised him because both his parents joined a traveling Wild West show. In spite of this, he spent hours on the court near his house—which

had one hoop with no net, got recruited, made it big in the league, and now that court has two hoops. What a guy.

COUNTRY BOY: Athlete Y lived in rural Nebraska and was the coach’s son. He could hit a major-league fastball at age 3. He hit 800 homeruns in high school and was drafted in the first round. Everyone had high expectations for him. After struggling in the minors for 3/4/5/6/7 years, he finally made it to the big show and is having a breakout year. What a guy.

JUMPING HURDLES: Athlete Z used to be good, but he blew out his knee/took drugs/beat his wife. He dropped completely out of sports, tried to become a faith healer, but now he’s back with a new mission—to regain his former glory. What a guy.

UNDERDOGS: Nobody believed in team Q. They finished in last place/didn’t play in a big conference/lost a bunch of scholarships because some kids got paid $50k to work at a car wash. But, a new coach came to town and he taught this group of former losers how to win. Now they’re a better team. What a story.

I could go on (the former athlete’s son, the guy who doesn’t talk to the media and now everyone hates, the obscure sports star), but my head hurts. I used to try to care about these stories, but they all started blending together. It’s time for action and this column will be at the forefront of a sweeping change in sports journalism.

First thing we do is kill all the reporters. And by kill, I mean don’t let them talk to the players or coaches. This would eliminate the pointless post-game press conferences where everyone tries to increase the number of words spoken without actually saying (I think the current record is held by Bill Parcells, who once used 23582 words to tell reporters that he was angry). It would also eliminate the biases reporters develop after getting to know the team. The only cons I see to this change would be less-than-thrilling game stories in the newspaper, but I think there are three people left who still read those. While this might make all sports articles pretty boring, I would make an exception for those players or coaches who are willing to throw their teammates or opponents under the bus. Those quotes are always great.

But what about investigative sports reporting? How will reporters find out about pending trades, firings, hirings, or signings if can’t talk to anyone on the team? Instead of each outlet trying to scoop each other, every team should appoint one official “Source” to “leak” stories to all the outlets. Maybe it’s because I don’t work for a daily newspaper, but I see little point in reporters trying to scoop other people for these types of stories. We’re all going to find out about the trade when it actually happens and impacts something. Who cares if it’s an hour earlier or later? Since the team officials are going to “deny” the rumor anyway, we would at least make the leaks more accurate.

To replace all those empty magazine pages formerly filled by player profiles, writers should write stories that focus on the process and strategy of sports.

What about an article on minor league baseball marketing techniques (Did you know that the Albuquerque minor league is called the Isotopes after the Simpsons episode where Homer goes on a hunger strike to stop the Springfield Isotopes from moving to Albuquerque?) Or how about an actual analysis of every team, instead of the usual “Derek Jeter is a good player so the Yankees will win” bullshit we’re used to reading. Or how Al Saunders actually developed his 700-page playbook (Is it actually 700 pages? Or is it 678 pages and they just rounded up? How heavy is it?).

While I expect the sports industry to completely ignore these suggestions, as the bulk of product endorsements rely on using the personalities of ego-centric athletes, the least we can do is put a moratorium on these types of stories. So, to you, SI editor, I issue this request: instead of eight player profiles this week, how about just seven? Then after a few months, drop it down to six, and so forth. Please?

Overheard in … THE U

Kellen Winslow Jr. is a soldier. The third-year Cleveland Browns tight end is a unique soldier in that he loves to run his mouth. A lot. You probably first heard of him three years ago, when, as a junior at THE U, he called himself “a f---ing soldier" during an emotional outburst after a game. After missing all of last season due to a motorcycle accident, Winslow is busy making up for lost time by continuing to run his mouth, complaining about his lack of getting the ball in Week 2. Apparently, he had just finished reading Keyshawn Johnson’s autobiography.

Every soldier needs a good wingman, and fortunately, Winslow has a brother-in-arms in Giants tight end Jeremy Shockey. I spotted the pair this past week at a sports bar in DC watching Monday Night Football, and fortunately, I had my tape recorder with me.

Kellen Winslow: I just don’t get it, Shocks. I’m a f---ing soldier. They should be getting me the ball every down. EVERY DOWN.

Jeremy Shockey: You’re definitely, definitely right, K2. Why shouldn’t you be getting the ball?

K: I know, right? I mean, we’re pretty terrible. Who is the hell is this Charlie Frye guy anyway? Where’d he go to school? I can tell you where he didn’t go—THE U. And this Braylon Edwards character is just awful. He’s taking away my receptions. They don’t even put me in on third down, Shock Attack. Do you bench a soldier during a battle like that? I think not.

J: Damn right, you don’t, K2. You’re a solider. I love soldiers. I love them so much, I had this huge eagle tattooed on my arm to show my support.

K: Thanks for having my back, Shock-town. I’ll never forget the time you were spotting me down at THE U this summer and I was about to crush my sternum with the bar, and you picked it up and threw it against the wall and saved my life.

J: No biggee, K2. But you probably shouldn’t have been trying to bench press 1500 pounds. Even for me, that’s a little much.

K: Yeah, I know, Shocker, but I’m a f---ing soldier! I thought I could handle it.

J: I know where you’re coming from. They’re making me practice this week, but my ankle hurts so much. I can barely walk right now.

K: I’ll go get you a bag of ice, Shox. Be right back.

[Returns with ice]. Here you go. You know, if I weren’t a soldier, I definitely could have been a medic.

J: Thanks, K2. Man, I miss THE U. I wish we could just play there forever. I mean, we work out there every summer together instead of working with our actual teammates, but is that enough? Shouldn’t we be down there all the time? Look at how badly they’re doing this year.

K: Way ahead of you, JShock. I don’t know if I should be telling you this yet, because it’s still in the planning stages, but I’m planning a massive coup of the Miami Dolphins. I’ve scrounged up a couple of tanks, and we are going to march on their training facility, kick everyone off the team who didn’t go to THE U, and reform the team with only THE U alumni.

J: Sort of like that Thai general, right K2? That guy took over an entire country with only 20 tanks! We’ll probably only need like three or four.

K: I’m thinking we could improvise with two tanks, Shock-Squad.

J: OWWW, my ankle.

K: You alright?

J: Yeah, it’s just this ankle; I was walking the dog yesterday and must’ve tweaked it.

K: [Rolls his eyes and continues with the plan] Luckily, we already have a guy on the inside, so that will make things a lot easier. My man Vernon Carey, or “The General” as we liked to call him, is already on the ‘Phins, so he’s been feeding me a ton of information.

J: Cool, cool, K2. When is this all going down?

K: Well, right now, Shock Jock, it’s me, you, and the General. I’ve been pouring over scouting reports, trying to find the best THE U players in the NFL to join our new team. Once I’ve got the potential roster assembled, then we make our move.

J: You’re a patient strategist, K2, I like that. What kind of offense are we going to run?

K: Well, Shock ‘n Awe, I had a lot of time these past two years to develop a new system that features, of course, the tight end, which is probably the best and most important position in all of sports.

J: True that, K2.

K: Basically, it’s version of the college option, except that instead of a running back, we use the tight end. And there are no receivers, just extra linemen. Actually, we’ll be using linebackers as the extra linemen because they are obviously faster. Also, I’m contemplating using a tight end instead of a quarterback.

J: Yes, YES, that is awesome, K2.

K: Glad you approve, The Shockinator. I’ve actually got a meeting with Coach Crennel this week to see with if we can implement some of the playbook this season. You know, sort of a trial run, so we’ll know what works well. I mean, the Browns are going nowhere this season, so I’m sure Coach and the rest of the team would be really excited to help us fine tune this new system.

J: Well, K2, it’s been fun, but I need to get back up to NYC. Keep me updated on your plan though, I’m really excited about it.

K: Will do, Shockeel O’Neal. Tell my boy Feagles I said hi. We’re going to need a good punter next year.

Washington DC: Sports Capital of the Nation’s Capital

Thanks to the addition of the Nationals last spring, Washington DC is now a four-sport town. Or five, if you want to count soccer. Or six, if you want to count the WNBA, which I won’t. In fact, most of you probably don’t consider hockey to be a real sport anymore, but what do you know? In addition to DC’s pro teams, we have a number of college teams which are also pretty good. For those of you new to town, or those of you who couldn’t care less about DC sports, consider this your primer/refresher on the exciting athletic competition you will probably be ignoring for the next year.

Football

The Washington Redskins went 0-4 in the preseason, but don’t worry, you can still hear all about their glorious success on the NEW Triple X ESPN Radio: 94.3 FM to the West, 92.7 FM to the East, and 730 AM all over DC. Oh yeah! But wait, why do we need three stations to cover such a small geographical area? Well, these stations purchased by Fearless Leader Snyder have such weak signals that you’ll need to flip from one to the other as you drive through DC. Hope you have a lot of presets (also don’t try listening to the AM station late at night because it won’t be operating past 5 PM). With the Redskins firmly in control of the local media, you can expect another 16-0 regular season on the way to the team’s 346^th straight Super Bowl title. Don’t listen to what those crazies at the Washington Post are saying.

Over in College Park, the Terps thoroughly trounced Middle Tennessee St. after squeaking by William & Mary in their opener (I’m writing this on Friday, so if Maryland only won by 28 points or less or somehow lost, I would be mocking them much more). The team continues to gear up for what will be the most pivotal game of the season against Florida International in two weeks. Hopefully Coach Friedgen won’t make the mistake of looking ahead to this game during the team’s tune-up against West Virginia. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the Hoyas’ squad—they stink. Also, I want to give a shout-out to the GW football team, which doesn’t even exist anymore: if you guys still played, you could probably beat Georgetown.

Baseball

The big baseball news of the summer in DC was the newly-opened Terrace Food Court at RFK. Oh, and the Nationals got new owners and three of the starting pitchers have an ERA over 5. And they’re also in last place. Don’t want to overlook that. The new food court features five new vendors, offering such delicious fare as crab cakes, chicken wings, catfish, and beef brisket BBQ sandwiches. This food is so delicious that you’ll completely forget that that you paid $15 for it and that the Nationals are awful. Well, maybe only for three minutes. But there is hope—the new Nationals stadium is set to be completed by spring 2008, and we all know that construction projects are always completed on time. When this majestic new park is open, you will be able to experience the thrill of transferring to the Green Line with thousands of other people at the same time! My only hope is that they continue the policy currently in use at RFK of using ushers to only guard the PNC Diamond Club seats.

Basketball

The Wizards, who really need an established center, drafted some Ukranian guy who reminds ESPN.com of Keith Van Horn. Apparently GM Ernie Grunfeld is drafting a bunch of centers with tremendous upside and should even one of the upside-filled youngsters develop into someone looking like an actual basketball player, well, you can forget about it. We all know how well the last big man the Wizards drafted turned out, so I think this is a good strategy. It’s too bad that guy from Senegal who only learned how to play basketball two years ago was already off the board before the Wizards’ pick; he has unbelievable upside. I think the Wizards are really being stupid here in not considering me as a potential draft pick as I have the most upside out of any player in the country. I have zero years of organized basketball experience, and the last time I actually played, I beat these two guys at the gym in a game to 11.

Readers of this column last year may have noticed that I failed to write even one sentence about the GW basketball team, which went undefeated in the A-10 regular season before losing in the conference tournament. The Colonials were shafted in the NCAA Tournament, seeded 8^th in the Atlanta regional and having to face Duke in the second round. Having now surpassed last year’s total commentary on the basketball team in the past two sentences, you can expect much more coverage of our squad in this space in the coming months.

Hockey

Alexander Ovechkin is amazing. It is worth the $5 to sit up in the worst seats at the Verizon Center to watch him play (along with the rest of the Capitals; I’m pretty sure 90% of Ovechkin’s goals last year were unassisted). Sadly, his talent alone is not enough to carry the team to the playoffs, but now that captain and fan favorite Jeff Halpern has been cast aside, only good things can be in the cards for the hockey capital of the Mid-Atlantic.

Scenes from Moot Court 2007

Respondent: Your honor, may it please the court. Jack McLawyerstein, for the respondent, the American baseball fan. May I dispense with the facts?

Judge: No.

R: Alright. Baseball’s popularity plummeted after the 1994 strike. In an effort to regain its fan base, Major League Baseball embraced the long ball in the late nineties, turning a blind eye as players started putting up extraordinary homerun numbers. This peaked in 1998 when Mc­Guire and Sosa both broke Roger Maris’ single-season homerun record of 61. While all of America basked in baseball’s resurgence, one player surveyed the land­scape and was not happy with what he saw. That player was Barry Bonds. Irked at how he had been forgotten by the pub­lic, Bonds set upon a course of extreme weightlifting, drug use, and arrogance, which culminated in his 73rd homerun in 2001.

J: Counselor, please move on to your argument.

R: Yes, your honor. Barry Bonds is a blight on the game of baseball. His cheating should not be tolerated, and he should be punished.

J: Counselor, has Mr. Bonds ever tested positive for steroids?

R: No, your honor, but the new book Game of Shadows lays out in great detail Mr. Bonds’ doping regimen, which included several types of steroids and HGH, among other things. Furthermore----

J: Were steroids a banned substance in baseball before a few years ago?

R: No, your honor, but that’s irrel­evant for several reasons. First, the league turned a blind eye to the whole situation. Rather than protect the integrity of the game, Selig, the owners, the coaches, and players ignored the growing drug use problem. Second, steroid use with­out a prescription is still a crime in this country. Just because baseball had no specific rule against it does not mean that ste­roid use is acceptable. All this goes back to Bonds, who took advantage of baseball’s willful blindness to become the poster child of illegal drug use. His quick offseason muscle gain was unheard of, especially for someone in his late thirties. This led to Bonds hitting 73 homeruns in 2001 after not reaching 50 for the first 15 years in his career.

J: Counselor, do steroids even help a player hit more home runs? Isn’t it a matter of hand-eye coordination?

R: Hand-eye coordination is part of hitting, sure, but you can’t say that muscle and power are irrelevant when it comes to homeruns. I may have the greatest hand-eye coordination in the world, but I can assure you that I won’t be hitting any 400-ft homeruns anytime soon. Also, steroids help a player recover from injury much faster. After the long career that Bonds had pre-steroids, his body should have started breaking down, and injuries should have started mounting. Because of his steroid use, however, Bonds has been relatively injury-free during his latest run. But as you can see from the past year, Bonds’ injuries have been more frequent since the whole BALCO scandal surfaced in 2003.

J: Five minutes, counselor.

R: Bonds’ ar­rogance, like his drug use, is unsurpassed. He is insufferable to the media---

J: Since when is being mean to the media a crime? Why should players have to make nice with people who will throw them under the bus in the blink of the eye?

R: Being a media saint should not be required for every player. In fact, being too friendly with the media also leads to biased reporting, as writers refuse to criticize players with whom they are friendly. Back to Bonds though. Throughout his career, Bonds has treated the media with utter contempt, like they are out to get him. That may be the case now, but Bonds has always given the press the cold shoulder. This is the influence of his father and godfather, who confronted rac­ism and other hardships when they were players. Before the whole steroid scandal, Bonds had not dealt with even a fraction of what Bobby Bonds and Willie Mays faced. Barry grew up in a rich, sheltered neighborhood. He has no reason to act like the world is out to get him.

J: One min­ute.

R: Bonds is also a bad team­mate. He report­edly refused to mentor his young team­mates because he feared they might end up hurting the Giants if they were traded and played against them in the future.

J: That is a bold claim, counselor. Do you have any references to back this up?

R: No, your honor, I do not. I have searched for the original story or reporter that broke this news but have been unable to find anything. In closing, we are not asking the court today to wipe Bonds’ re­cord and statistics from the record books. Instead, we ask the court to uphold the lower court’s ruling that everyone should acknowledge Bonds as an insufferable asshole and furthermore that Giants fans should stop cheering for him.

J: Thank you, counselor.

As this is my last column of the year, I’d like to thank my editor Sarah and the rest of the Nota Bene staff for giving me the opportunity to write this column. I’d also like to thank the readers for making Left-Wing Lock the second most-popular student sports column at GW. Have a good summer.

THIS COLUMN IS SERIOUS!!!!

Ok, so this column is supposed to be some sort of satire because it’s the April Fool’s Edition. However, my columns this semester have been all been satirical, so it makes little sense to continue the trend this week. In order to satirize myself, I will actually have to write a serious sports column. I realize at the outset this is going to be a difficult task, but I just drank an entire gallon of milk, so I think I’m up to it. Here goes nothing.

America is an obese country. We eat junk food, never exercise, and follow ridiculous diet fads that don’t work. Why is this? Are we just too lazy to maintain a healthy lifestyle? Probably. However, I have an alternative theory. And it involves soccer.

A few summers ago, I went to see FC Porto versus Galatasaray at Giants Stadium as part of the Champions World Series soccer tour. As I watched the first half, I noted the obvious lack of play stoppage. No T.V. timeouts, no regular timeouts, no nothing. If you wanted to watch the entire game, you would have remain in your seat for 45 straight minutes (plus stoppage time). At half time, everyone got up to go to the bathroom, but they returned quickly for the 46^th minute. The crowd then remained seated for the remainder of the game, as I roamed the empty concourses by myself.

“That’s an interesting observation, but how the hell does this have anything to do with American obesity?” Calm down, I’m trying to develop a serious argument here. Now, in America, none of our major sports compare to this unique characteristic of soccer. Our games are flooded with a multitude of stoppage and commercials. Football is played in 20-second intervals. Baseball is divided neatly into at-bats and innings. Basketball and hockey, while more free flowing, are constantly interrupted by television timeouts. Now, this extra time spent not playing has an interesting effect. Whether you’re at the game or watching at home, these interruptions permit the American sports fan to constantly get up and get more food and alcohol. Change of possession? Great, let me go grab another beer. Inning over? Awesome, I’m going to get some more chips. Television timeout? I’ll quickly get one of those delicious chicken finger baskets for $9.

All this extra time spent waiting for the games to resume lets Americans eat more food and drink more alcohol. Isn’t it interesting that in most other cultures, obesity is not a big problem? What do they all have in common? Soccer. Soccer fans can’t step away from the game to stuff their faces or consume an alcoholic beverage because they might miss an important play whereas a baseball fan can easily leave between every inning and not miss a thing.

“Are you forgetting that soccer fans are some of the most drunken people in the entire world? Also, don’t they have vendors selling food and beer in the stands?”

Two good points, but both are easily debunkable. First, soccer fans do not drink. To the ordinary observer, the behavior of a soccer hooligan appears to be the result of massive alcohol consumption. In reality, these people are just so dedicated to their teams that they act like drunken idiots when they are in fact the soberest group of people on earth. That’s what happens when you only have one sport to follow—the energy that we Americans normally split between several teams is instead concentrated on one and only one team. Second, soccer stadiums are so packed that vendors have no room to walk around. What’s that? You’ve seen these vendors at soccer games? No you haven’t. You’ve never even come close to thinking about maybe watching a soccer game on T.V.

At this point, you’re very doubtful of my argument. You think all I’ve presented so far are interesting observations that are unrelated to each other. Fine. You’re in denial. I realize I’m going to need some more proof here if I’m ever going to get this theory published in a reputable scientific journal. To address this shortcoming, I’ve designed a simple study. The World Cup is this June in Germany. One month of non-stop soccer played at the highest level. I will pay the first ten people who respond to this column to fly to Germany and go to as many World Cup games as you can. You will record your weight at the beginning and end of the month. You will also keep track of your attention span by trying to sit through long movies every day (I recommend Titanic). I am confident that the results will prove me right and probably change the way you look at me. No longer will I be thought of as that columnist who is kind of funny sometimes. I will be the envy of the entire sporting and fitness community. Just wait and see.

Alright, let me wrap up this experiment in seriousness so that you can get on with the rest of this hilarious issue. I hope I’ve challenged you to think in different ways about stuff. Tune in next week when my regularly-scheduled non-serious writing will return in all its glory. Good night.

Boys Don’t Cry

By now, you all should have noticed that I am currently leading the EJF March Madness Pool. You might also have noticed that I am also the last-place entry. Yes, that’s right. I will be winning over $400 and getting my $10 donation back, which by my calculation is an infinity percent return on my investment. No, I will not buy you a drink at Bar Review this week, sorry.

I’ve received a number of emails over the past few weeks (mostly from myself) all touching on the same thing – my column’s similarity to that of ESPN.com and SportsPickle.com writer DJ Gallo. Some have accused me of directly copying Gallo, while others have commended me for imitating a columnist other than Bill Simmons. I can assure you all that any similarity between Mr. Gallo and me is pure coincidence. Let me also point out that I have been writing this column for over 20 years, making Gallo a spring chicken compared to me. Anyways, to further prove our differences, this week I’ll be commenting on some of the awful March Madness commercials that are being aired. Wait, what? DJ Gallo already did that last week? Oh. Well fine, I’ll talk about something else.

Did you see the two so-called Players of the Year balling after their teams lost last week in the Sweet Sixteen? I understand the emotion of having your dreams evaporate right before you eyes, but crying on national television? Seriously? To quote a movie that you’re probably already thinking of, “If you start crying after we lose today, I will punch you in the face.”

Sadly, neither J.J. Redick nor Adam Morrison received a punch to the face. This whole episode, however, should send an important message to NBA GMs. Do you really want to draft a guy who can’t stop himself from crying before he gets to the locker room? “Oh, they’re just kids,” you’re saying. BS. Darko Milicic is younger than both Redick and Morrison, and he has never cried. Darko didn’t cry when he was picked second overall in the 2003 NBA Draft. He also didn’t cry when his team won the NBA title in 2004. Finally, he didn’t cry after being traded to Orlando and actually getting to play regular minutes. I hope this settles that argument. I’m not completely heartless, though. In these next two paragraphs, I will try to sympathize with J.J. and Adam.

Redick set numerous scoring records over his Duke career. He has only scored, however, 17 total points over his four-year career by creating his own shot. The past two years, Redick has arguably been the most hated player in the country. Luckily, he has a great outlet to combat the taunts and barbs of the uncivilized ACC fans—his poetry. “I can’t see what my future has in store,” writes J.J., “but I move forth with the strength of a condor.” Well, I CAN see what your future has in store, J.J., and you were right to cry after your pitiful performance against LSU. This year was your last chance to have a meaningful impact on your team and on sports in general. In the NBA, you will not be the focus of any team’s offense. None of your teammates will be willing to set the numerous screens you require to get open. You will come off the bench, maybe hit a few shots, but never again will America have any reason to hate you. So cry your tears, J.J., because you have passed into irrelevancy.

Well, I guess that was a little mean. Let’s see if Morrison is a more sympathetic figure. Earlier in the year, Morrison started drawing comparisons to a young Larry Bird. In response, Bird challenged him to a game of 21 , loser having to shave his mustache. As you can see, Adam still has his ‘stache. Back to reality now, Morrison had a much better final game than Redick, although he did start crying before the game was actually over. This to me shows a lack of what the Spanish call cojones. Now there’s nothing wrong with a man crying, particularly if his leg was just torn off by a rabid wolverine. In this situation, however, crying is just unacceptable. Maybe Mark Few has Morrison try to catch that lob pass at the end instead of Batista, and maybe Morrison makes it to tie the game. But Few is a smart man. He knows that a crying basketball player will never make a shot like that, so Morrison is stuck drawing a defender up court, while someone else gets a chance to be a hero. Hey look, the game’s over. Now you can start crying.

Postscript: Brandon Roy did not cry after Washington fell to Connecticut on Friday night, and I predict that he will be the best player to come out of the 2006 NBA Draft. Patrick Ewing Jr. also did not cry after Georgetown’s loss to Florida, and I expect great things from him as well

Eleventeenth Annual Baseball Season Preview

Baseball season is upon us and while most of you were probably looking for some sort of NCAA March Madness column in this space, too bad. I hate college basketball with a passion. That, or our deadline for this issue was before Spring Break and the bracket isn’t even out yet. With that stipulated, let’s take a look at most of the teams in the league. If your team didn’t make the cut, maybe you should stop following sports.

AL East
After several bienniums of playoff failure, the Yankees looked poised to fall to the bottom of the division now that the Blue Jays have signed both B.J. Ryan and A.J. Burnett! Look out! But seriously, the Yankees are going to miss the playoffs one of these years, and all hell will break loose as the Daily News and the Post compete to see who can run the bigger headline. At the bottom of the division, the much-ignored Devil Rays looked poised for a breakout third-place finish. The only hope for this team is to move to Las Vegas and the AL West. I propose a trade to make this happen: Las Vegas will get the team and Tampa will get the Circus Circus Casino and Hotel. Tampa is probably getting the better end of this, and the city deserves it after putting up with such mediocre baseball for the past 8 years. And who can forget about the Orioles and all their offseason moves? Oh, that’s right – me.

AL Central
Apparently, the White Sox won the World Series last year, but no one seemed to pay attention, and therefore, it didn’t happen. Maybe the Sox will be able to exorcise the Black Sox demons this year with a little bit more excitement. On the other end of the spectrum, the Royals are just awful. If you’re a Royals fan, I feel sorry for you. What do you have to look forward to in the next few years? That Angel Berroa will become the best shortstop ever? That Runelvys Hernandez will get his ERA under 5 this season? Spare yourself and your future children the abuse, and just stop following baseball altogether. In the middle we have the battle of teams with overweight closers. While Bob Wickman of the Indians has the weight advantage at 240 lbs (and is two inches shorter), I give the edge to Todd Jones of the Tigers because he has a better moustache.

AL West
Now that the Moneyball furor has died down a bit, no one will be paying attention to the Oakland A’s, who will probably win the division and maybe even a playoff series. Meanwhile down in SoCal, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim won a huge court victory against the Los Angeles Municipality of Anaheim, and as a result, the team won’t have to change its ridiculous name back to the Anaheim Angels. While nobody outside of the LA sprawl might care about this development, those of us who were blindsided last season when the Dodgers’ and Angels’ three-letter abbreviations on sports websites were changed are still outraged. And while Bengie Molina has left for Toronto, his younger brother Jose is still around. I know all of you Angels fans just breathed a collective sigh of relief. The Mariners, who long back to the days of A-Rod and Griffey, took a step in the right direction during the offseason by signing a catcher who can’t speak English. Good times!

NL East
This is the season that the Braves dominance of the NL East comes to an end, as Edgar Renteria has that effect on a team. 2006 will be remembered as the year of the New York Mets, as they will win 140 games en route to a World Series crown. Pedro Martinez will pitch the first no-hitter in Mets history, only to follow it up with a perfect game in his next start. Finally, Carlos Beltran will rebound from his awful first season in Queens by winning the Triple Crown and breaking Joe DiMaggio’s 56-game hitting streak. Speaking of breaking records, the Marlins will come close to losing the most games ever in a single season, currently held by the 1962 Mets. Pop quiz, Marlins fans—name a starting pitcher on your team other than Dontrelle Willis, and name me one of your outfielders. No need to rush, I’ve got all month.

NL Central
The Cubs stand alone among the cursed franchises, but unfortunately for them, they won’t be breaking any curses this season. In typical fashion, the Houston Astros will be on cruise control for the first month and a half and then realize they have to win every remaining game to make the playoffs. The return of Roger Clemens on May 1 will certainly help, but the team will falter when Rocket insists as part of his new contract that his son Koby become the team’s starting third baseman.

NL West
Let’s get this out of the way first – I hate Barry Bonds. I hope his knees collapse on Opening Day and he never plays another baseball game again. Did you know Barry Bonds eats children? Yeah, it’s quite shocking. In other Giants news, the team once again is hoping that the “Only Having One Position Player Under 30” strategy will pay off again. Oh wait. The Padres have a good young pitcher by the name of Jake Peavy (whom I will be picking in the first round of every one of my fantasy leagues) who might win more than 82 games this year. The Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles tried to recreate the 2003 Boston Red Sox with their offseason moves; let’s see how that turns out.

Playoff Predictions (with bonus World Baseball Classic pick)
WBC: South Africa over the Netherlands
ALDS: A’s over Indians, White Sox over Yankees
ALCS: A’s over White Sox
NLDS: Mets over Padres; Cardinals over Braves
NLCS: Mets over Cardinals
World Series: Mets over A’s, 4-2

Ramblings of a Lazy Sports Writer

Those of you who are dedicated readers of Left-Wing Lock (all 7 of you) might be wondering how I manage to come up with a column topic for each issue. Maybe you think I have an astute awareness of the pressing issues facing the sporting world or maybe I just write about whatever headline is currently on ESPN.com.

Good guesses, but you’re a bit off. You see, being the industrious law student that I am, I don’t have the time to come up with any topics at all. Once I get a topic, I can bang out a column pretty quickly, but the initial idea takes a lot of thought. Rather than take the exorbitant time to do some research on a unique issue, I ask my friend, who we’ll call “AJ,” for some ideas.

This has always worked well in the past, and I see no reason why it shouldn’t continue. When talking with AJ this week, he wasn’t as cogent as he usually is; so, as a result, today’s column will feature several themes that I don’t feel like expounding in a full column. Now that you know my secret, please don’t tell my editors. They might decide that I am just an unnecessary middleman and let AJ write the columns himself.

Crosby v. Ovechkin
All you hockey fans out there no doubt have been following the development of NHL super rookies Sidney Crosby of the Penguins and Alexander Ovechkin of the Capitals. While Ovechkin entered the league in relative anonymity, Crosby was projected as the first overall pick when he was only 15. Has he lived up to the hype? As of the Olympic break, young Crosby has 65 points (28 goals, 37 assists), compared to Ovechkin’s 69 points (36 goals, 33 assists). Not that big a difference, so which player is actually better? Both teams have mediocre records, but Crosby is surrounded by a far greater level of talent. Let’s also not forget that Crosby is living with one of the greatest players of all-time, Mario Lemieux, while Ovechkin is sharing a DuPont loft with a Georgetown 3L. Not exactly an ideal mentoring situation.

From my limited observation of each player, I will give the edge to Ovechkin. Crosby is one of the guys with a “tremendous work effort.” That’s all well and good, but this isn’t high school. Anyone can be a hard worker; it’s quite another thing to have natural talent, and Ovechkin has Crobsy beat in that department. At a recent Caps game, they showed a countdown of Ovechkin’s Top 10 goals. Needless to say, there was a common theme throughout each highlight, and it usually involved Ovechkin skating the length of rink around every other player.

Finally, Ovechkin made the Russian Olympic team, while Crosby failed to make the Canadian squad. Even though Canada is fielding the best team in the history of sports, the fact that an 18-year old with only half a season of professional hockey experience could not make the roster says to me that Crosby is just not that good. Advantage: Ovechkin.

[Paragraph Removed to protect anonymity]

Quail Hunting
So by now, that guy Cheney shot is probably dead. Aside from this whole event showing us that Cheney should not be trusted with a shotgun, let alone President Bush (Political commentary in a sports column? I’m not above such things), I now finally have an excuse to talk about my long-hidden passion: quail hunting.

To me, the only thing lacking in mainstream sports is the opportunity to kill something.

That, and food.

Luckily, the sport of quail hunting combines both into an amazing and delightful experience. Cheney is quite an astute man if he counts quail hunting as one of his hobbies. Any idiot can go hunt rabbits or bears or mountain lions, but it takes real skill to hunt a smallish bird, bred in captivity, and then released into the wild.

Some would call this shooting fish in a barrel; I call it shooting quail in an open field. Potato, potahto. The quail is also the inspiration for the most powerful superhero of all-time, Quailman, who, as we all remember, saved the world countless times from Dr. Klotzenstein, the Rulemeister, and RoboBone.

Winter Games: Prelude to the Summer Olympics

By now, you should be recovered from your post-Super Bowl hangover, which is good, because in just three short days, the Winter Games of the 20th Olympiad will begin in Turin, Italy. Or is it Torino, Italy? Turin? Torino? Turin? Torino? After first hearing that the games were being played in Torino on the stupid Visa commercial with that snowboarder, I investigated further. Apparently, Torino is the Italian name of the city, while Turin is the Americanized name. Good work, Olympic marketers! Now we have half a million people with t-shirts that have the wrong name of the city. I’m going with Turin for the simple reason that if the Games were in Rome, we would not call them the Roma Games. Plus, I’ve already bought several dozen Olympic sweatshirts that say Turin, and I don’t want to throw them away.

Now that that’s settled, let’s take a look at some of the more interesting sports that will be contested over the next two weeks. Unlike the Summer Games, with its overloaded buffet of sporting events like trampoline and rhythmic gymnastics, the sports of the Winter Games fall neatly into only seven categories. After watching the previous world championships from almost every featured sport, I can safely give my expert opinion on what I think will be the most intriguing events to watch from each category.

Biathlon
This sport originated in Norway in the 18th century when northern Norwegian soldiers often had to ski over extremely flat fields and then shoot dead lemmings that had been pinned to trees as training for their war against the southern Norwegians. Oddly enough, the United States has never won a medal in this event, so if you want to be ahead of the game, root for Jay Hakkinen, who is apparently the best American biathlete despite his 13th-place finish in Salt Lake City. When Jimmy Roberts does a sappy profile on him after he finishes ninth, you can turn to your friends and say, “Hey, I knew about that guy two weeks ago!”

Bobsleigh
Bobsleigh and skeleton make up the two events in this category. Bobsleigh, as we all know, was invented on the island of Jamaica by four colorful Jamaicans and John Candy back in 1988. Since then, the less-tropical nations have caught on, leaving the Jamaicans in the dust for the past 18 years. Skeleton made its resurgence in 2002 after a 54-year absence from the games. This event is similar to the luge, except riders go down the course face first, which makes for a much less exciting race. Jim Shea Jr. captured the nation’s heart in Salt Lake City by becoming the first third-generation Olympic athlete, winning the gold medal by 0.05 seconds. Unfortunately, there are only second-generation Olympians in the skeleton event this year, so no one will be paying attention.

Curling
This sport apparently originated in Scotland, although many Canadians claim that their country invented the sport as an alternative for those children who sucked at hockey. Teams of four attempt to place stones on a target, using brooms and chimney sweeps to slow or quicken the pace of the stone. There is also a lot of strategy involved, as stones can be used to block later stones thrown by the other team. After watching the sport back in 2002, my friend claimed that he could make the Olympic team after only playing the sport for a week. We all laughed back then, but he’s the one laughing now, as he just earned a spot on the US team over the weekend.

Ice Hockey
Canada’s other pastime, ice hockey, also originated in the British Isles. While the Brits would love to relive their glory days of the 19th Century, sadly they didn’t qualify for Turin. The match that’s on everyone’s mind is the grudge match between the US and Kazakhstan on February 16, when the Kazakh team will try to prove its country is famous for something other than hilarious television reporters. The Canadians look like the favorite here, but don’t be surprised if a feisty US team sneaks its way into the semifinals. Do I smell “Miracle on Ice 2”? YES!

Luge
Luge is the French word for sled. Why it deserves its own classification on the official Olympic website is beyond me. Invented by Vikings as a way of weeding out the stupid ones (no sane Viking would ever agree to ride on a sled), the first international luge race was won by an Australian. An auspicious beginning for a sport that has captured the imaginations of dozens. For some reason, someone thought it would be a good idea to have a doubles event for this sport. This event has the distinction of being the only mixed sport in the Olympics (except mixed doubles, if that’s actually an Olympic sport). Men and women, however, have traditionally not ridden together on the same team. Hello, Martha Burk, do I sense a lawsuit?

Skating
Women’s figure skating is probably the premier event of the Games. In the past 12 years, we have been treated to some amazing storylines. First, we had little Tonya Harding (back before her Celebrity Boxing days) trying to put the kibosh on Nancy Kerrigan’s knee but to no avail. Then, we had little Tara Lipinski steal the gold out from under 18-year old Michelle Kwan’s nose. Next, we had little Sarah Hughes steal the gold out from under 22-year old Michelle Kwan’s nose. You all see what I’m building to, right? Will this be the year that Kimmie Meissner finally breaks through and wins the gold medal? Only Dick Button knows for sure.

Skiing
Last, and certainly least, we have skiing. With six disciplines (including snowboarding, which oddly enough is competed on skis), skiing has something for everyone. Not to be outdone by the geniuses who came up with the biathlon, the southern Norwegians decided to combine ski jumping and cross-country skiing into the Nordic Combined event. Evidently, southern Norway was unprepared for the invasion by the biathlon trained northern Norwegians in the Battle of Nesjar, so they decided to perfect a new training regimen by jumping off of cliffs and then (for those that survived) skiing over the extremely flat terrain for many miles.

Outside the Super Bowl Zone

There is an eighth dimension beyond that which is known to the normal football fan. It is a dimension filled with useless chatter, inane commentary, and Sean Salisbury and John Clayton yelling at each other. It is the middle ground between the diehard and casual fan, and it lies between the pit of John Madden’s stomach and Joe Buck’s self-righteousness. This is the dimension of ultimate media hype. It is an area that might be called... the Super Bowl Zone.

By pushing back the Super Bowl another week, the NFL has inevitably created one of the biggest media circuses in all of sports. From now until February 5, you will be bombarded from all sides with commentary, opinions, analysis, and interviews. The following paragraphs, however, will be an escape from that craziness for they have been written before the conference championship games and are therefore immune from the awful effects of the Zone. Being outside the Zone, however, means I do not know who will actually be playing in the Super Bowl, but don’t throw this paper down on the bathroom floor just yet.

Reproduced below are scouting reports previously available only to ESPN Insider members but now available to you, the GW law student, for free. Why are there reports for four teams instead of just the two Super Bowl teams? Because ESPN Insider is so in-depth that they scouted for match-ups that won’t even happen.

Seahawks Scouting Report
Despite playing the easiest schedule in NFL history, the Seahawks have exorcised their demons by making it to their first Super Bowl. With two weeks off, Shaun Alexander should have had plenty of time to recover from his concussion from the Redskins game. While the media hounded him for sitting out the NFC championship game, Alexander has responded with an amazing three days of practice, wowing his offensive line and quarterback. On the defensive side of the ball, rookie linebacker Lota Tatupu spent the last week complaining about not getting Defensive Rookie of the Year honors and looked sluggish against the Panthers, managing only to call out Panthers WR Steve Smith three times.

The Seahawks’s obvious weakness is Shaun Alexander’s lack of toughness. Getting a concussion after being hit for the first time this season against the Redskins was a bad sign, and defenses will be putting 11 men in the box to try to tackle him in the Super Bowl.

Panthers Scouting Report
The Seahawks had trouble containing WR Steve Smith, as he caught 57 catches for 526 yards and 1 TD in the championship game. In the ultimate display of trickery, RB DeShaun Foster- -broken ankle and all--limped onto the field on crutches for the Panthers’ first play. QB Jake Delhomme played - faked to Foster, and the entire defense bit, leaving Smith wide open for a 96- yard TD.

After that, the Panthers got a little uncreative in their play-calling, calling a hitch to Steve Smith for 32 straight plays. They’ll obviously need to mix it up if they expect Smith to repeat his NFC championship game performance, and Coach John Fox has told the media that they also plan on lining up Smith in the backfield.

Defensively, the Panthers’s corners have become a little cocky over the past few weeks thanks to their media recognition, giving the Seahawk receivers a 50-yard cushion on each play. Not impressed by the AFC crop of receivers, Chris Gamble and co. plan on starting each play on the sideline.

Broncos Scouting Report
Jake Plummer is one of the best game-manager quarterbacks in the NFL, which is a polite way of saying his coaches think he stinks. Nevertheless, he has gained the respect of his teammates for his excellent facial hair grooming throughout the season. I really don’t have anything else to add as the rest of the Broncos are quite boring, so I’ll end this report with some old stand-bys: if the Broncos run the ball more than 55 times, they will win the game.

Steelers Scouting Report
Safety Troy Polamalu seemed incredibly affected by the controversial interception call against the Colts. Although he picked off Plummer four times on Sunday, Polamalu dropped to the ground immediately after each and refused to get up for 5 minutes. RB Jerome Bettis was forced by Bill Cowher to carry around a football everywhere for the past week, reminiscent of that classic college football movie “The Program,” starring Halle Berry and James Caan. This tactic seemed to work as Bettis carried the ball (and the one from practice) 3 times for -2 yards and 4 TDs against a puzzled Broncos defensive line.