Ok, so this column is supposed to be some sort of satire because it’s the April Fool’s Edition. However, my columns this semester have been all been satirical, so it makes little sense to continue the trend this week. In order to satirize myself, I will actually have to write a serious sports column. I realize at the outset this is going to be a difficult task, but I just drank an entire gallon of milk, so I think I’m up to it. Here goes nothing.
America is an obese country. We eat junk food, never exercise, and follow ridiculous diet fads that don’t work. Why is this? Are we just too lazy to maintain a healthy lifestyle? Probably. However, I have an alternative theory. And it involves soccer.
A few summers ago, I went to see FC Porto versus Galatasaray at Giants Stadium as part of the Champions World Series soccer tour. As I watched the first half, I noted the obvious lack of play stoppage. No T.V. timeouts, no regular timeouts, no nothing. If you wanted to watch the entire game, you would have remain in your seat for 45 straight minutes (plus stoppage time). At half time, everyone got up to go to the bathroom, but they returned quickly for the 46th minute. The crowd then remained seated for the remainder of the game, as I roamed the empty concourses by myself.
“That’s an interesting observation, but how the hell does this have anything to do with American obesity?” Calm down, I’m trying to develop a serious argument here. Now, in America, none of our major sports compare to this unique characteristic of soccer. Our games are flooded with a multitude of stoppage and commercials. Football is played in 20-second intervals. Baseball is divided neatly into at-bats and innings. Basketball and hockey, while more free flowing, are constantly interrupted by television timeouts. Now, this extra time spent not playing has an interesting effect. Whether you’re at the game or watching at home, these interruptions permit the American sports fan to constantly get up and get more food and alcohol. Change of possession? Great, let me go grab another beer. Inning over? Awesome, I’m going to get some more chips. Television timeout? I’ll quickly get one of those delicious chicken finger baskets for $9.
All this extra time spent waiting for the games to resume lets Americans eat more food and drink more alcohol. Isn’t it interesting that in most other cultures, obesity is not a big problem? What do they all have in common? Soccer. Soccer fans can’t step away from the game to stuff their faces or consume an alcoholic beverage because they might miss an important play whereas a baseball fan can easily leave between every inning and not miss a thing.
“Are you forgetting that soccer fans are some of the most drunken people in the entire world? Also, don’t they have vendors selling food and beer in the stands?”
Two good points, but both are easily debunkable. First, soccer fans do not drink. To the ordinary observer, the behavior of a soccer hooligan appears to be the result of massive alcohol consumption. In reality, these people are just so dedicated to their teams that they act like drunken idiots when they are in fact the soberest group of people on earth. That’s what happens when you only have one sport to follow—the energy that we Americans normally split between several teams is instead concentrated on one and only one team. Second, soccer stadiums are so packed that vendors have no room to walk around. What’s that? You’ve seen these vendors at soccer games? No you haven’t. You’ve never even come close to thinking about maybe watching a soccer game on T.V.
At this point, you’re very doubtful of my argument. You think all I’ve presented so far are interesting observations that are unrelated to each other. Fine. You’re in denial. I realize I’m going to need some more proof here if I’m ever going to get this theory published in a reputable scientific journal. To address this shortcoming, I’ve designed a simple study. The World Cup is this June in Germany. One month of non-stop soccer played at the highest level. I will pay the first ten people who respond to this column to fly to Germany and go to as many World Cup games as you can. You will record your weight at the beginning and end of the month. You will also keep track of your attention span by trying to sit through long movies every day (I recommend Titanic). I am confident that the results will prove me right and probably change the way you look at me. No longer will I be thought of as that columnist who is kind of funny sometimes. I will be the envy of the entire sporting and fitness community. Just wait and see.
Alright, let me wrap up this experiment in seriousness so that you can get on with the rest of this hilarious issue. I hope I’ve challenged you to think in different ways about stuff. Tune in next week when my regularly-scheduled non-serious writing will return in all its glory. Good night.
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