Boys Don’t Cry

By now, you all should have noticed that I am currently leading the EJF March Madness Pool. You might also have noticed that I am also the last-place entry. Yes, that’s right. I will be winning over $400 and getting my $10 donation back, which by my calculation is an infinity percent return on my investment. No, I will not buy you a drink at Bar Review this week, sorry.

I’ve received a number of emails over the past few weeks (mostly from myself) all touching on the same thing – my column’s similarity to that of ESPN.com and SportsPickle.com writer DJ Gallo. Some have accused me of directly copying Gallo, while others have commended me for imitating a columnist other than Bill Simmons. I can assure you all that any similarity between Mr. Gallo and me is pure coincidence. Let me also point out that I have been writing this column for over 20 years, making Gallo a spring chicken compared to me. Anyways, to further prove our differences, this week I’ll be commenting on some of the awful March Madness commercials that are being aired. Wait, what? DJ Gallo already did that last week? Oh. Well fine, I’ll talk about something else.

Did you see the two so-called Players of the Year balling after their teams lost last week in the Sweet Sixteen? I understand the emotion of having your dreams evaporate right before you eyes, but crying on national television? Seriously? To quote a movie that you’re probably already thinking of, “If you start crying after we lose today, I will punch you in the face.”

Sadly, neither J.J. Redick nor Adam Morrison received a punch to the face. This whole episode, however, should send an important message to NBA GMs. Do you really want to draft a guy who can’t stop himself from crying before he gets to the locker room? “Oh, they’re just kids,” you’re saying. BS. Darko Milicic is younger than both Redick and Morrison, and he has never cried. Darko didn’t cry when he was picked second overall in the 2003 NBA Draft. He also didn’t cry when his team won the NBA title in 2004. Finally, he didn’t cry after being traded to Orlando and actually getting to play regular minutes. I hope this settles that argument. I’m not completely heartless, though. In these next two paragraphs, I will try to sympathize with J.J. and Adam.

Redick set numerous scoring records over his Duke career. He has only scored, however, 17 total points over his four-year career by creating his own shot. The past two years, Redick has arguably been the most hated player in the country. Luckily, he has a great outlet to combat the taunts and barbs of the uncivilized ACC fans—his poetry. “I can’t see what my future has in store,” writes J.J., “but I move forth with the strength of a condor.” Well, I CAN see what your future has in store, J.J., and you were right to cry after your pitiful performance against LSU. This year was your last chance to have a meaningful impact on your team and on sports in general. In the NBA, you will not be the focus of any team’s offense. None of your teammates will be willing to set the numerous screens you require to get open. You will come off the bench, maybe hit a few shots, but never again will America have any reason to hate you. So cry your tears, J.J., because you have passed into irrelevancy.

Well, I guess that was a little mean. Let’s see if Morrison is a more sympathetic figure. Earlier in the year, Morrison started drawing comparisons to a young Larry Bird. In response, Bird challenged him to a game of 21 , loser having to shave his mustache. As you can see, Adam still has his ‘stache. Back to reality now, Morrison had a much better final game than Redick, although he did start crying before the game was actually over. This to me shows a lack of what the Spanish call cojones. Now there’s nothing wrong with a man crying, particularly if his leg was just torn off by a rabid wolverine. In this situation, however, crying is just unacceptable. Maybe Mark Few has Morrison try to catch that lob pass at the end instead of Batista, and maybe Morrison makes it to tie the game. But Few is a smart man. He knows that a crying basketball player will never make a shot like that, so Morrison is stuck drawing a defender up court, while someone else gets a chance to be a hero. Hey look, the game’s over. Now you can start crying.

Postscript: Brandon Roy did not cry after Washington fell to Connecticut on Friday night, and I predict that he will be the best player to come out of the 2006 NBA Draft. Patrick Ewing Jr. also did not cry after Georgetown’s loss to Florida, and I expect great things from him as well