'Dream Job' Challenges Presidency

The road to the White House is underway, with the future of our nation hanging in the balance. These next several months will be trying times for the American people, as they must decide who will best represent their views and political philosophies. While voter turnout has been paltry of late, it is the duty of every patriotic American to cast their vote in sincerity.

But first, some clarification. When I say “White House,” I mean ESPN’s Bristol headquarters (The roof is white, close enough). “Nation” equals the sporting world, “views and political philosophies” means best catch phrases, and “patriotic American” should read devoted ESPN viewer.

Now that we’ve settled that, most of you probably now realize that I am referring to ESPN’s newest show, “Dream Job,” not the presidential election. Dream Job, which premiered on Sunday, is the newest reality show that pits 12 hopefuls against each other for a chance to be the next SportsCenter anchor. If you think about it, the results of Dream Job are far more important than any political election.

I mean, how much does the President actually personally affect your life? Not much. On the other hand, folks like Stuart Scott, Linda Cohn, and Dan Patrick have a much bigger impact on the daily life of the red-blooded, hard-working American sports fan. The only reason I see in keeping up with the presidential race is to be able to understand the jokes on SNL.

Still, many of you reading this probably did not watch Dream Job on Sunday, and I must ask you, why? It’s safe to say that a lot of people regularly watch American Idol, and this puzzles me. While I enjoy the first few episodes, which showcase the worst singers in America, the rest of the show is pretty much meaningless. The finalists of American Idol can only go on to annoy the hell out of everyone in the country (case in point: Justin Guarini, Clay Aiken), and the actual winners are merely a manufactured product.

The winner of Dream Job, however, will not only be responsible for delivering important news that affects all of us, but will have a direct impact on the English language. Where we would be as a country without such witticisms as “Boo-yah!” and “Hoooooooome Rrrrrrrrrrun”? In the gutter, that’s where.

With Donald Trump’s suck-up fest, The Apprentice, and now Dream Job, the traditional job interview as we know it is fading into oblivion. Soon there will be a network devoted to job-interview shows. One of the pilot shows for the network will feature Cornell juniors interviewing for summer jobs at Goldman Sachs and J.P. Morgan (Watch as Cornell students are forced to do finance problems on the spot in front of jackass recruiters!).

As a sports commentator and expert TV watcher, I would be cheating you, the reader, if I didn’t pass on my reflections of the candidates. Unfortunately, only the first six finalists competed on Sunday, so I am forced to only review half of the field. The format of the show featured the “My SportsCenter” competition, where each contestant had to write, edit, and read his or her copy for two sports highlights. Let’s quickly review the first six candidates.

First up, Mike Hall. You all know him from the thousands of Dream Job commercials as the “They have won one game in the last few hours,” guy. Hall showed an uncanny ability to make bowling hilarious, and that earns points in my book.

I voted Chris Williams off, he was boring, and he reused his catchphrase. Also he mispronounced San Jose Sharks goalie Evgeni Nabokov’s name. Clearly, you have lost your way, for shame.

Michael Quigley, affectionately dubbed “Quiggs,” during the show, read highlights like a maniac who forgot to take his anti-maniacal drugs. Tony Kornheiser even compared him to Chris Farley.

Maggie Haskins is a student at that crazy liberal campus known as Brown, and counts playing Beirut as one of her hobbies. Despite getting no publicity in the promos, Haskins stole the show on Sunday with some great catch phrases

Aaron Levine, a student at Stanford, probably wrote the best copy out of all six, and had one of the funnier lines of the night (Brian Westbrook’s got the runs, hilarious!).

Nick Stevens, who first thrilled America with “Ramalamahamdam,” failed to impress in his segment. I guess the ramalamahype didn’t live up to the ramala—ok, I won’t subject you to that again.

Having written this column during the show, I would also like to claim credit for predicting that Chris Williams would be voted off. I guess I’m cool as the other side of the pillow.

With that said, I gleamed two things from Sunday’s show-- one, Tony Kornheiser is funny, and two, Stuart Scott is crazy. In the spirit of the upcoming presidential election, here is my official endorsement.

“I Never Kid” endorses Maggie Haskins as its candidate in ESPN’s Dream Job. Haskins showed a great knack for catch phrases, which is the essence of SportsCenter. Haskins has risen above the stereotype that all Brown students are hippies who don’t go to class, and embodies the qualities of the Worldwide Leader.