Field of Econo Dreams

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va.—The Charlottesville Econo Lodge, as one GW Softball team member proclaimed, is “too much econo, not enough lodge.” Yet this delightful motel will be our base of operations for the three days of softball mania that is the UVA Law 2008 Softball Invitational. With two men’s teams and two co-rec teams, expectations were high that GW would enjoy a level of success not seen since the memorable 1989 tourney, when Sal “Salazar” Marchiano pitched three no hitters and hit four grand slams to lead GW to the title over UVA Brown.

With the threat of rain ever present, the tournament began Friday night with the GW Colonials co-rec team facing off against Washington & Lee. After partaking in some delicious pizza at Mellow Mushroom off campus, several members of the GW Blue men’s team (myself included) attempted to get to the Colonials’ game. A long walk over turned into a longer one when, seeing the lights of the ball fields emerge from over the hills, I mistakenly led our group even farther away from the field. As we backtracked to the Econo Lodge, word came that the game was already over and that the Colonials had won. Clearly, they were better served with us not attending their game, so we vowed not to try to attend another one all weekend.

The day began early on Saturday for GW Blue, as we finally found the field we were searching for the previous night. The first opponent of the day was Washington University, who started the trash talking immediately by pointing out their superior ranking in US News and World Report. Lame. Their arrogance was soon rewarded as they hit several shots deep into the outfield. The team strategy quickly shifted from ending the inning quickly to ending the inning without giving up 10 runs. Unfortunately for us, the tourney mercy rule is that there is no mercy rule, so our deficit continued to grow as the innings progressed.

By the middle of the game, the umpire had had enough of our inability to score a run, and called us over from the dugout for a pep talk. “Now, I don’t know if you guys are confused as to the rules of the game, but the object is not to score the fewest runs. This isn’t golf,” he explained. This seemed to the trick, as several innings later, we successfully manufactured a run after the Wash U pitcher misplayed a ground ball, diving towards first to get our batter out. He failed to anticipate that we had suddenly learned how to play softball, and our runner on third easily scored. With the moral victory secured, the team left for an early lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings.

Lunch conversation soon gave way to intense strategy discussions. Our next opponent was Regent, who one team member described as a “Tier 4 Law School, but a Tier 1 softball talent.” Indeed, Regent finished second in 2007 and recruited a number of former Central League players from Japan. Realizing we would probably be no match, the team decided to continue to play extremely poorly so as to prolong the game and cause Regent’s players to injure themselves. This would severely disadvantage them in the playoffs and maybe GW Gold would have an easy path to the title. The strategy backfired, however, when we suffered several debilitating injuries of our own. With our bench supply of HGH extinguished, we decided on a new incentive to motivate a comeback: whoever made an error had to put a dollar in the error pot to be used to buy beer later that night. This also backfired, as we committed even more errors.

“The only way to accurately analogize the team's performance is if a major league team lost all of its position players to injury, causing the whole team to hit and field as poorly as pitchers. And we did not have Micah Owings or Dontrelle Willis,” recounted our team captain later that night.

Luckily, GW Gold was having an opposite level of success, cruising to two victories in their first two games. Our attempts to steal some of their players for our final game against Ohio State failed miserably, bur they did stick around to “cheer” us on. After another heartbreaking loss with few injuries to Ohio State and several more injuries and errors for us, the team made its way to the barbeque to try to steal another team’s jerseys and sneak into the playoffs on Sunday. With $29 in the error pot, we decided to buy a delicious bottle of Canadian Mist, but our team manager had absconded with the money, and we were forced to partake in the free beer at the evening’s festivities.

The rain predicted for the weekend finally arrived Sunday morning, but that did not deter GW Gold from trudging out to the mud-soaked field for the men’s playoffs. The unrelenting precipitation triggered a new set of rules designed to speed up the games. Each batter would only get one pitch to hit from his team’s pitcher, no matter what the quality of the pitch. This seemed pretty stupid to every one involved, as one player described it as “deciding the NBA Finals with a slam dunk contest.” Despite the rule change, GW Gold earned a hard-fought victory against Boston College to advance to play our old nemesis, Regent. Using bats handcrafted by Pat Robertson himself in his underground lair deep beneath the earth’s surface, Regent ended GW’s last title hope of the 2008 tournament, holding the team scoreless (I would like to take this opportunity to mention that GW Blue succeeded where GW Gold failed in that we were able to score a run against the Fightin’ Robertsons).

While we left without any hardware to show for our efforts, GW Blue has its sights on greatness in 2009. Unfortunately, the entire team is graduating, so we are actively seeking replacements, lest we all be forced to apply to the LLM program to carry on our own legacy. If you have any baseball, softball, European handball, or korfball experience, consider trying out for a spot on the historic GW Blue squad next year. You can help continue the legacy of (mostly) error-free baseball!

Waiting For Dmitri Young Bobblehead Doll Day

As the new baseball season starts this week, each team’s marketing department kicks it into high gear to try to get fans to come out to the park all summer. From giveaways to ticket packs, teams are usually high on gimmicks to drive up those attendance numbers. I combed through all of these marketing materials and have highlighted some of the more innovative approaches.

NL East

After an aggressive offseason of trading away its remaining players, the Florida Marlins are instituting a new marketing approach this season. Inspired by Radiohead’s pay-what-you-want pricing for its new album, the Marlins will be instituting a similar system for tickets: any fan can sit in any seat for any price, including paying absolutely nothing. Owner Jeffrey Loria has borrowed the business model of the classic American establishment, the movie theater. While food and drink prices are already at exorbitant levels at your typical ballpark, at Dolphins Stadium, a hot dog will go for $15, a beer for $20, and there will be no water fountains or food carts within a ½ mile radius of the park. To encourage patrons to shell out for the overpriced fare, each fan over 21 will receive a free beer when they enter the park. Loria has also hired so many food vendors that there will be one vendor for every seven fans. Not to be outdone, the New York Mets are on a mission to fill Shea Stadium to the brim for every game during its last season. This marketing blitz also has an ulterior motive: to make fans so nostalgic for the stadium that they will bid a ton of money at a season-ending auction of every seat, railing, urinal, and ugly-looking neon baseball player sign.

NL Central

In Pittsburgh, it’s the Year of the Buccos. During the 2008 season, the team will be playing with the heart and tenacity of an English premiership team on the verge of relegation—except the Pirates really will be on the verge of relegation. If the team should finish in last place in the division, Pirates owner Robert Nutting will move the team to the International League, and have its AAA affiliate, the Indianapolis Indians, take its spot in the National League. This little scheme will also motivate everyone on the Indians’ roster to play terribly, lest they be called up to the Pirates only to be sent back down with the entire team the next season. Can you feel the excitement in the PGH??!!? Meanwhile the Cubbies will unveil a new banner at Wrigley Field commemorating the 100^th anniversary of its last championship. This celebration will feature burning effigies of goats and black cats, and will also involve the selling of the stadium’s naming rights to Bubbalicious Gum for the next 30 years. The day after the deal goes final, owner Sam Zell will sell the team to a corporation owned entirely by St Louis citizens.

NL West

Having removed all traces of Barry Bonds from AT&T Park, the San Francisco Giants are going one step further and forfeiting every game Bonds played for the team in the past 16 years. This will probably push the Giants past 10000 losses, thus eclipsing the Phillies as the all-time loss leader. Mark Ecko has already purchased the 10000losses.com domain name from its current Phlly fan owner and is planning a grand gala to introduce the site and his new clothing line, Asteri*.

AL East

In honor of the exorcism of “Devil” from the Tampa Bay Rays team name (bad pun intended), the first 190,000 fans to attend a game this season at the Trop will receive a free Devil Rays t-shirt. They tried to give the old shirts away to kids in South America, but the continent is currently flush with New England Patriots Super Bowl 42 merchandise. Rumors of the Rays signing Barry Bonds as the DH have led to a huge fan backlash; should Bonds sign with the team, legions of fans will express their displeasure by showing up to games just to boo him. Hoping for the highest attendance in the league, owner Stuart Sternberg is also looking into whether Jose Canseco and Mark McGuire will come out of retirement to play alongside Bonds to form a new Murderers Row of Players People Hate. The Yankees, like the cross-town Mets, are also playing their last season in their current stadium. Rather than auctioning off stadium memorabilia, the team will be bussing next year’s St. Patrick’s Day revelers up to the Bronx to destroy the old stadium in a drunken mess of destruction.

AL Central

Ozzieball enthusiasts, rejoice! Each fan on Opening Day at US Cellular Field will receive their very own Ozzieball baseball. This talking ball plays eight recordings, including a recording of Guillen’s tirade against Jay Mariotti, a lecture on why you should always bunt with a man on first, and a song about the importance of being scrappy. Over the protest of owner Jerry Reinsdorf, Ozzie also named May 1 Venezuelan Heritage Day and ordered 10,000 Hugo Chavez posters to give out. Reinsdorf responded by ordering 10,000 lighters to give out the same day.

AL West

The core of Billy Beane’s baseball philosophy is that fans will always turn out to see a winner, no matter how the team actually gets those wins. With the upcoming season in Oakland looking to be short of wins, Beane has been in overdrive this spring to get fans to come out to the park. After each Saturday game, Eric Chavez will talk with a select group of fans on what’s it’s like to earn $66 million while playing 30 games a season. When Joe Morgan is in town to do a broadcast, he will be hosting Q&A sessions on what trades he would have made if he were the A’s GM these past eight year. Finally, Billy Beane will be giving personal guided tours of the underground facility that is “Moneyball.” This Cold War remnant is composed of 10,000 vacuum tubes, the alternate HAL unit from 2001: A Space Odyssey, and several abacuses for good measure. Fans will witness how Beane manually inputs every data point when determining what trades to make (the abacus hated the Big Three).

Hope Springs Eternal for Softball Wannabees

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla.—The sun-drenched fields of Southern Florida are a welcome change from the dreary grey skies of the District of Columbia. While many of you are enjoying warm, vacation spots during Spring Break, I have traveled south not for rest and relaxation, but for a chance to realize my second and third-grade dream: to be a professional baseball player. The story of how I ended up here amongst the myriad minor league hopefuls and aging veterans begins last summer on the softball fields of New York City.

I had signed up to play for my firm’s softball team on the first day of work, but could barely complete a simple throw from short to first, so I was banished to the outfield. I soon won over the manager with my impressive pop-up catching ability and willingness to lean in to every pitch, rising up to seventh in the batting order. Then one game, it all came together. Due either to my excellent hit placement or the terrible infield defense of the other team, I managed a triple, raising my slugging percentage an amazing .500 points. The next inning, as I was fielding a line drive out in left field, I noticed the runner on second was trying to leg out a run. “Not so fast, my friend!” I yelled. With deadly accuracy, I fired the ball home, and, after one hop, the catcher scooped it up and tagged the surprised runner for the third out.

A Mets scout approached me after the game and told me that the team would be interested in inviting me to Spring Training if Moises Alou somehow got hurt again. One Alou-hernia later, and I found myself on a plane to Florida in pursuit of a dream long thought lost. When I arrived at Mets camp, I was surprised to find that I was not the only former softball player invited to try out. Taking a page from Billy Beane in identifying baseball player market inefficiencies, Mets GM Omar Minaya has determined that the market had undervalued summer softball league players. The resumes of those invited to this grand new experiment (and hopefully the subject of a new Michael Lewis book) read like a sampling of America. There was the young investment banker, the grizzled NYPD detective, the struggling waiter/Broadway actor, the Russian mob wannabe, and the bike messenger.

As we size each other up, Minaya leads us into a conference room where he goes over the details of our tryout. First up is Celebratory Handshakes to test our chemistry with potential teammates. We are each given 30 seconds to develop a routine with Endy Chavez, but some people find this more difficult than others. After Endy slaps our Russian friend on the back, he punches Endy in the face and is promptly escorted off the premises. I had a feeling the rest of the day would play out like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, except without the blueberry gum. Next up is a filming session for Jose Reyes’s Spanish Academy. These promos are shown during home games, where Reyes tries to teach the crowd a new Spanish word. Today’s segment is the Spanish word for ice cream, helado. I knew from my previous viewings of these videos that they want the players to mispronounce the word so that they can cut to a clip of Reyes rolling his eyes at our stupidity, so I purposefully butcher my pronunciation. When we finally make out way to the field, only the investment banker and I are left from the original group. He mentions something about hitting a grand slam to win a game last summer, but he shuts up after I tell him I turned an unassisted triple play from the outfield. Clearly he has not honed the art of softball bullshitting.

Out in left field, we are told to alternate fielding balls hit by a double-A kid the team cut earlier that day. The young man’s anger from not making the team is manifested in each of his first 20 hits, which sail over the left field fence. Minaya, having recognized his mistake, sends the greenhorn back to rejoin the team and calls out third base coach Sandy Alomar Sr. to replace him in the batter’s box. The first hit off Senior’s bat rockets towards us and Mr. I-Banker decides he’s going to make a flashy grab. Unfortunately for his face, he has not accounted for the added speed of a baseball, and as he writhes on the grass clutching his bloody face in pain, I motion for a stretcher. Minaya does not seem content to let me join the team by default, so he puts forth the final challenge: I have ten pitches to get a hit off of Johan Santana. Luckily I know a lot about Santana; he is left-handed, he has a changeup, and he is from Venezuela. I take the first three pitches just to see if I can pick up anything from Santana’s windup. No such luck. Having watched three straight fastballs blaze by me, I guess (correctly) that Santana will offer up his famous changeup next. However, his major-league changeup is still a tad faster than the windmill lobs I’m used to, and I swing way too late.

After another six whiffs, I walk off the field dejected after coming so close to achieving my dream. Minaya thanks me for coming to the tryout and told me I would not be going away empty-handed. Hoping for a signed jersey, he instead hands me a Ryan Church bobblehead doll and a Mets metal street sign that says “Miracle Mets Ave.” As I walk over to a nearby garbage can to dispose of my parting gifts, I see a small boy leaning over the fence, baseball and pen in hand. I walk over and sign the ball for the confused tyke, who has no idea who I am. Some day he will.

I’m Not Here To Talk About The Past

With all the attention the presidential candidates have been receiving, it’s only natural that their colleagues in Congress who actually have to do their normal jobs would get jealous. It is times like these that our esteemed elected representatives suddenly discover that they can subpoena prominent sports figures and question them about things that Congress really doesn’t care about. While taking a brisk afternoon walk the other day around Capitol Hill, I happened upon a large pile of discarded boxes, which contained transcripts of Roger Clemens’s and Roger Goodell’s recent meetings with Congress. I’ve excerpted the best parts for your amusement.

Congressman John Tierney (D-MA): Good afternoon, Roger. Thank you for coming to Washington. Do you know why you are here today before the Committee?

Roger Clemens: Yeah, I’m receiving a medal, right?

JT: No, we’re here to discuss your alleged illegal drug use.

RC: Oh, right. That whole thing.

JT: We had Brian McNamee in here earlier and he was quite adamant that he injected you dozens of times with HGH and steroids. He even brought in a bag of old syringes and bloody gauze pads from 2000.

RC: Umm, ok? Doesn’t that seem kind of gross?

JT: He also has photographs of old syringes in a beer can that was taken out of the trash in your New York City apartment. Also, he has skin samples and—

RC: Let me just stop you right there. Are you telling me you are going to believe the word of a man who not only kept a bunch of old syringes in his basement for eight years but also fished a discarded syringe-containing beer can out of the garbage can? Does that seem nuts to anyone in here besides me? You give me a day and I’ll get you a photograph of a bloody knife that I happen to have fished out of Brian McNamee’s garbage can 12 years ago. The very same knife that was used to kill Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman!

JT: Mr. Clemens, I don’t think you understand the severity of the situation here. These are some pretty serious allegations. Do you have anything to say in your defense?

RC: Look, I don’t know how busy you guys usually are, but doesn’t this all seem too much? What are you even going to do if I admit to any of this stuff? Put me in jail? I’m Roger Clemens! I won seven Cy Young awards! My kids’ names all start with K!

JT: Well, if you deny that you used these substances and we find out later that you did use them, then we will charge you with perjury.

RC: Oh wow. So basically you guys want me to lie to you now so you can later charge me with lying?

JT: Our constituents care about the integrity of the game. Your actions are—

RC: Your constituents are all vengeful Red Sox fans who mailed me chopped up Roger Clemens action figures when I signed with Toronto. You can tell them I’m sorry I had to leave Boston, but that was 12 years ago and they need to move on with their lives. They should be celebrating the wonderful season the Pats just had.

….

Arlen Specter (R-PA): Thank you Commissioner Goodell for agreeing to meet with me. As you know, my beloved Eagles lost to the Patriots in Super Bowl 39 and with the recent Spygate accusations, we think that you should further investigate whether the Pats illegally videotaped the Eagles.

Roger Goodell: No, I’m not going to do that.

AS: Why not?

RG: Because there is no evidence of illegal taping, not from three years ago or from this year.

AS: Then what did the Pats actually give you when you requested they turn over all of their alleged cheating materials?

RG: Oh that. No, they didn’t give me anything.

AS: Need I remind you that you are under oath?

RG: No, I’m not. We’re sitting at a table in the International Square food court eating Five Guys. You’re wearing a track suit and you’ve got ketchup all over your fingers.

AS: Look, I’m putting you under oath now, so tell me what happened with those tapes.

RG: Those tapes did not contain any footage relating to football. They were rehearsal recordings of Bill Belichick’s new musical.

AS: Bill Belichick wrote a musical?

RG: I’m afraid so. It is the single worst piece of theater I have ever seen. I vomited three times when he invited me to watch the rehearsals in person.

AS: So this whole Spygate thing was a just a cover so you could destroy Belichick’s Broadway aspirations? No wonder he was pissed off this whole season.

RG: That’s right. I had Eric Mangini catch a fake Patriots cameraman so I could seize everything in Belichick’s office – the scripts, the score - everything. Then I burned it all in a garbage can in an alley in Hell’s Kitchen and dumped the ashes in the East River.

AS: So what was the musical actually about?

RG: It was two hours of Belichick alone on stage, singing songs about Tom Brady and Wes Welker while playing the keytar. Then at the end, he dances with a marionette wearing a Charlie Weis mask. It’s really creepy. Unfortunately, this Matt Walsh character in Hawaii might still have a copy of it, so I’m flying out this afternoon so I can break into his house and destroy this thing, once and for all.

AS: On behalf of the citizens of the United States of America, I would like to thank you for ridding the world of this cultural abomination before anyone else had to suffer through it. You are a true patriot.

You Decide 2k8

As the second-most popular sports columnist on campus (I think), I get a fair amount of feedback from various law students and faculty. However, I was surprised with the flood of emails I received over break (over 700), mostly espousing on how important this column was to various students. One emailer wrote in to say that “as a 1L facing a lot of pressure to do well in law school, your column provides me a bi-weekly dose of sanity. Without your hilarious commentary on sports, I probably would have dropped out after three weeks.” Take that, Dr. Phil! Another student commented that “your column is a shining beacon in the morass of terrible sports columns and legal publications. I don’t even care that it’s not related to pressing law school issues. Don’t stop writing!” Worry no longer, dear reader, for this column will press on even in the face of the toughest adversity and academic criticism. We now resume your regularly-scheduled sports commentary.

While I don’t pretend to be a political maven like some of my fellow classmates, I see definite parallels between sports and politics. It takes a special kind of talent to talk for two hours and say absolutely nothing, to ignore a direct question by changing the subject, or to distract from your own shortcomings by insulting your opponent. Last year I touched on this parallel by imagining how the skills of certain coaches would translate over into the political realm. With the election looming, it’s time to take the opposite look at how our presidential candidates would fare in the world of sports.

Barrack Obama: Bringing in Obama as a new coach is like hiring a college coach with no NFL experience to coach an NFL team. Kind of like how Lane Kiffin replaced the horrendous Art Shell as head coach of the Raiders and led to the team to the playoffs. Oh wait. With a knack for soaring rhetoric, Obama would make pregame locker room speeches a must-see event. However, coaching in the NFL is more than just waxing poetically to the media and preparing your team during the week by saying, “hey, I am here.” You actually have to do work, something I don’t think Obama really understands. By Week 3, he would already be trying to line up another coaching gig with a better team.

Hillary Clinton: Clinton is like Cooper Manning (Eli and Peyton’s brother) except she refuses to sit quietly in the press box while her more successful family members win Super Bowls. Not happy with her job at the family passing academy, she yearns for the big stage. Surely all those late nights spent talking with Bill about how to beat the Cover 2 will translate into major success when she strikes out on her own. I am also impressed that she has sought guidance outside of the Clinton inner circle, as she appears to have enlisted Dick Vermeil as her new mentor.

Rudy Giuliani: Giuliani is the hard-nosed tactician who gets the job done, much like Bill Belichick, and like Belichick, you don’t want to cross the Mayor, as you will then be dead to him if you are in fact still alive after crossing him. If you drop a pass because you are afraid of getting knocked to the ground, Giuliani will go on the radio the next week and insult your three-year old daughter. If you are late to a meeting, he will put a skunk in your locker, steal your playbook, and key your car. And, if you try to steal coaches from his staff after leaving to coach a rival team and then rat on him for videotaping your sideline, he will knife you at midfield during the post-game handshake.

Mike Huckabee: Switching over to baseball analogies for a second, Huckabee is Ozzie Guillen reborn as a guy who was once governor of Arkansas. Rejecting time-tested theories (like not sacrifice bunting on every play and evolution), the Huckster would assemble a team that would dominate the league if the homerun were ever abolished. Valuing such abstract skills as “scrappiness” and “grit,” the lineup would be a modern day Murderer’s Row, featuring such sluggers as David Eckstein, Darin Erstad, and Christian Guzman.

Ron Paul: Paul is the coaching candidate that the students love but the old-guard boosters think is a lunatic. He would have some crazy ideas, like lining up three quarterbacks in the backfield and running the statue of liberty play every down, but in real life, these would probably backfire. His proposal to quit the NCAA would initially be met with quizzical looks but his southern charm and refusal to return donations from white supremacists would quickly win over the student body. Paul’s ultimate goal would be to dismantle the university and have the football team exist as its own entity. Now there’s a man who understands the true nature of college sports!

This Column Is About Sandwiches

One common critique of American cuisine is that is lacks a defining characteristic. I disagree – the sandwich is clearly the heart of the American culinary culture. Now some might say that a sandwich is just two pieces of bread with some random meats and cheeses thrown in the middle. That would technically be correct, but it’s like describing a Picasso by saying it’s just a bunch of weird looking faces. You have to dig deeper. What does any of this have to do with sports? Well, earlier this semester, I was shopping on my local market, and noticed the deli counter was advertising a sandwich named in honor of Redskins left tackle Chris Samuels called the “Big Pro LT.” The Big Pro LT is roast beef, deep fried turkey breast, pepperoni, pepper jack and American cheese, lettuce, tomato, pickles, onions, banana peppers, and sweet hot mustard on Three Cheese Semolina bread. That’s quite a sandwich.

Now, I was reminded of the hilarious sandwich episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry tries to switch his awful fish-laden sandwich with Ted Danson’s classic Turkey and Russian Dressing sandwich, and thought “I wonder if Chris Samuels actually got to pick these ingredients.” Anyway, this got me thinking about what other athletes have their own sandwiches and how their sandwich ingredients express who they are as a player and a human being. This is going to be a deep, metaphysical discussion, so I would recommend not trying to read this while driving a car or even standing.

Pittsburgh Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger: The Roethlisburger

An obvious place to start this analysis would be the one player whose name already sounds like a sandwich. During Roethlisberger’s rookie year, a Pittsburgh deli created the original Roethlisburger, priced at $7. Unfortunately for this deli, the burger takes more than 10 minutes to make, and when demand soared after Roethlisberger became a star, it had trouble filling all the orders with its limited number of grills. The Roethlisburger weighs over a pound and is topped with sausage, corned beef, scrambled eggs, grilled onions, and American cheese on a Portuguese roll. This sounds like a delicious and heart-attack inducing monstrosity, but the namesake has never actually had his own sandwich. You see, Roethlisberger is not only lactose intolerant; he’s also a vegan. The true Roethlisburger, made by the team’s executive chef, is a pound of soy, oats, hummus, artichoke hearts, and cranberry relish on a Pumpernickel roll. Efforts to mass-market this alternative Roethlisburger in the Steel City have surprisingly fallen flat.

New York Yankees Third Baseman Alex Rodriguez: The Clutch Club Sandwich

A-Rod has been the subject of much ridicule and scorn lately, but he recently got a self esteem boost from Serendipity 3 in Manhattan when the owner unveiled the Clutch Club last month. After careful negotiations with Scott Boras, the final ingredients were recently approved and customers will be able to enjoy this eclectic concoction in the coming weeks. The triple-decker sandwich features a foie gras mayonnaise, honey mustard with diced $100 bills and a seasonal endangered species fried in truffle oil. All these exotic ingredients drive up the price of the sandwich to $350, but if you hold out three weeks before actually agreeing to eat it, the price comes down 20%.

Washington Wizards Guard Gilbert Arenas: The Blogger Burger

Noted practical joker, philanthropist, and professional Halo player Gilbert Arenas recently rolled out his own sandwich at Lindy’s. Featuring fresh ground beef from cows at Arenas’s Hibachi Hills Farm in Montgomery County, the Blogger Burger is only cooked on a Gilbert Arenas Brand Hibachi Grill. The center of the burger is then cut out and served on a plain bagel with no other toppings or condiments. Arenas has promised free personally-cooked Blogger Burgers on the day after any game where he hits a game-winning shot. Never one to miss an opportunity, Arenas will also begin selling the zero-shaped patties to local Safeways this winter.

Knicks GM/Coach Isiah Thomas: The Bad Boy Special

Thomas has come under fire a lot recently for various things that I don’t need to repeat here, but one area where he has definitely succeeded (besides his mail-order popcorn company) is his new frozen breakfast sandwich, the Bad Boy Special. Designed to imitate the greasy, throw-every-in-the-skillet-and-cover-it-with-gravy breakfast stack available at your local diner, this microwaveable delight originally featured seven kinds of imported Italian ham and bacon. However, in a bold move, Thomas traded away the entire stock for a package of Oscar Meyer bacon and a can of spam. After getting into a fight with his distributor on the Knicks team jet last week, Thomas has been forced to roll back his nationwide launch, and currently the Bad Boy Special is only available at select concession stands at the Garden.

Better Prep Than BarBRI

Like many 3Ls, this past Saturday I had the absolute pleasure of taking the MPRE. Having completed this arduous exercise in ethical gymnastics, my brain is a bit fried, so I was unable to write a column for this issue. Luckily, managed to sneak out the experimental questions from the testing center and have reprinted some of the more amusing ones for your perusal.

1. Baseball player Pay-Rod has an option in his employment contract that will let him opt out of his 10-year deal and declare free agency after this season. He has until 10 days after the World Series to opt out, but he will be traveling to his secret underground training laboratory, so he has instructed Agent Aboras to opt out for him when Pay-Rod sends him an email next week. Unfortunately, a glitch in Pay-rod’s email system causes the message to be sent out too early, and Aboras announces that Pay-rod is opting out of his contract in the middle of Game 4 of the World Series. Is Aboras subject to discipline?

A) Yes, because he should have known that Pay-Rod would not wanted him to have made such an announcement in the middle of the World Series because Pay-Rod is a classy individual.

B) Yes, because Red Sox reliever Hideki Okajima was distracted when the crowd started chanting “Don’t sign Pay-Rod!” and gave up a home run.

C) No, because offseason transactions are much more important to the public than the actual game and they

D) No, because no one really cares about Pay-Rod since he is a postseason choker. Had it been Aboras’s other client, World Series MVP David Eckstein, he would be subject to discipline.

2. Managing Partner Mangini used to work for Barrister Belichick as his coordinator for his defense practice. Two years ago, Mangini was hired away by a rival firm. Mangini is currently representing a client in a matter against one of Belichick’s clients. In fact, Mangini has insider information about Bellichick’s client from when he worked for Belichick and also knows that Belichick has a stash of video tapes documenting his client’s industry espionage. Mangini subsequently alters his discovery request to include these tapes. Was Mangini’s action proper?

A) No, because Mangini has a conflict of interest in the matter since he used to represent Belichick’s client.

B) No, because everyone knows that the information on the tapes is harmless and every other company in the industry does it.

C) Yes, because the tapes allowed Belichick’s client to steal Mangini’s client’s secret manufacturing process.

D) Yes, because Mangini is not as good of a lawyer as Belichick and he needed to get rid of Belichick’s competitive edge.

3. Baller Bryant is the star player on his basketball team. Due to personality conflicts, the team was forced to trade away its other star player several years ago and has done relatively poorly with Bryant at the helm. The team is now contemplating trading him and has contacted Crazy Owner Cuban to try to work out a deal. One day during the negotiations, Cuban runs into Bryant out in the hotel lobby. “We would love to have you on our team,” say Cuban. “I will get this deal done quickly if you keep your next few games close, if you know what I mean.” Bryant, confused, asks Cuban to clarify. “Do I need to spell it out for you? I want you to shave points for the next ten games. I’m trying to raise money to buy the Cubs.” Bryant is conflicted, as he is not fond of cheating. What action must Bryant take?

A) Bryant must report Cuban’s remarks to the league office because Cuban has engaged in fraudulent conduct.

B) Bryant must not say anything because the conversation is protected by owner-player confidentiality.

C) Bryant must carry out Cuban’s point-shaving scheme because he wants to get traded quickly.

D) Bryant must agree to help Cuban but secretly bet on his own team and screw Cuban over by scoring 80 points a game.

4. Safety Sanders is a hard hitter. During one game, Defensive Manager Meeks comes over to Sanders on the sideline and says, “Sanders, I want Brady out of commission.” Sanders says he can beat the other team straight up, but Meeks says he doesn’t want him beaten. When Sanders takes the field on the next drive, he sees Meeks mouth the words “out of commission” to him. The next play called is a safety blitz. Which of the following would be proper for Sanders to do in this situation?

A) Blitz Brady and try to take out his legs, then apologize profusely afterwards that he didn’t mean to do it.

B) Blitz Brady but tackle him cleanly. Sanders could get a penalty for unnecessary roughness if he plays dirty.

C) Drop back into coverage and hope Meeks doesn’t notice.

D) Walk off the field.

These Are Not My Readers

Believe it or not, as the third most popular sports columnist on campus, I get tons of emails every week from people just like you—ordinary law school folks who read this column under their desk in class or on top of their Evidence book in the library. Most of these emails are your run-of-the-mill “your column gives my life meaning! Can you send me a signed copy?” type (and yes, I will), but sometimes I receive a note from a distressed soul, wandering through the darkness that is the American sporting world, looking for guidance. It is times like these that I’m glad I attended the graduate school sports columnist conference at the Holiday Inn down in Front Royal last year. Below is a sampling of the advice I’ve given out over the past few semesters. Names have been changed to protect the imaginary.

Dear Left-Wing Lock,

As a fan of a certain Catholic school in America’s heartland, I am very upset over our lack of winning and media attention. I am used to us still being relevant at this point in the season, and am tired of only having discussions with other certain Catholic school in America’s heartland fans because no other college football enthusiasts want to talk about our team. Are there any states where it is legal for someone with a 10-year contract that was prematurely awarded to go “missing”?

Sincerely,

Lost in North Bend

Dear Lost,

I can tell from your letter that you are truly in agony and I wish I could help. The pain you are experienced is one that no one should ever have to experience, but you’ll look back on this seemingly dreadful time in a few years and realize that your past glory is just that—in the past. It is time to start looking towards the future and your team’s place in it. Instead of aspiring to win the national championship each year, why not shoot for something more realistic, like best record in the state your school is located in? That seems like a more reasonable goal. Also, I believe Idaho is the state you are looking for. Try to get Boise St. on the schedule next year.

-LLW

Dear Left-Wing Lock,

I am dating a 1L who is a big Duke Football fan, but the only problem is that I’m a Tarheel supporter born and bred. The inter-school rivalry is starting to take a toll on our relationship, as she only wants to watch the games at the Duke bar in the third circle of hell (aka Friendship Heights) whereas I practically live at the UNC bar on Saturdays in the fall. Is there any hope for us?

Sincerely,

Tarheel 2L

Dear 2L,

Yours is a common problem among law students. As an undergrad, you were surrounded by your own kind who wore the same sweatshirts and other various clothing and who would not try to pick a fight with you at the bar during a game if you cheered too loudly. Now you have suddenly been thrust into a strange new world, one where everyone is wearing different color hats and not in the same mood as you the day after a big game. You unfortunately have chosen to exacerbate the problem by dating a girl from one of your oldest gridiron rivals. You cannot be saved. Either break up with your Dukie or try to get the bartender at the Duke bar to turn the really small TV in the back corner to the UNC game so you can still pretend to be supporting her while cheering for your school in silence.

-LLW

Dear Leftie,

You seem to know a lot about football. What can the Redskins do to turn the season around?

Sincerely,

FedEx Field Patron

Dear Patron,

While watching the game this week in person, I noted several areas where the Redskins can improve. The first is offensive line physical fitness. I believe these gentlemen are responsible for protecting the quarterback and opening up running lanes, but they are very ineffective when they are all injured and not playing. So I would start there. Second, I think Ladell Betts should be starting because I have him on my fantasy team and Clinton Portis hasn’t gotten injured yet. He is wasting a space on my bench every week. Finally, the Redskins offense is way too complicated. I hear their playbook is over 1000 pages! Has anyone ever humorously pointed that out before? I say, scrap that whole thing and just run the option every down. That thing is unstoppable.

-LLW

Dear Left-Wing Lock (aka Loooser Mets fan),

You guys are terrible! We r0xx0red our way into the postseason, while you guys were the very definition of sucking. I hope you enjoyed sucking that hard, because you should get used to it. Phillies RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULEEE!!

Sincerely,

Phillie Phanatic

Dear “Phanatic”,

Thank you for your kind words. I hope you guys enjoyed your quarter of a fortnight in the spotlight. Too bad Dane Cook could only do one round of commercials about your glory.

-LLW

That Guy in My Fantasy Football League

Recent studies have shown that Americans waste approximately 200 million work-hours every day checking their fantasy sports teams, a net loss of approximately $45 trillion. Luckily, our corporate leaders exported fantasy sports over to Europe in 1989, so the effect has been minimal. With football season in full swing, the fantasy football sites have been humming loudly in offices and schools across the country (yes, guy who sits next to me in Complex Lit, I see you checking your team every 10 minutes. Guess what? You’re still in last place). Fantasy veterans primarily devote their time to one league, which they will refer to as “my league,” implying that they really don’t care about the league that you both are members of (which is known as “my other league”). With multiple leagues come multiple exposures to the various fantasy sports personalities, and I have broken down these personalities based on their real-life counterparts in my league for your entertainment.

The Commish: In some leagues, this position is mainly ceremonial, like the Queen of England, except without the money, celebrity status, and state dinners. In fact, it’s a lot like being a regular person except you can make people call you the Commish in real-life situations (I think Michael Chiklis used to do this back in 1995). Other commissioners take their job as seriously as (and often to the detriment of) their real job. They spend days pondering whether to make a change to the scoring system and set up the league website in the middle of July. They send you urgent emails reminding you that you haven’t paid the $11 yet and why can’t you just send the money, you lazy bastard, it’s only $11! Our Commish recently told me one night that he regretted not decreasing the scoring for QB touchdowns to four points each this season, so I called him a cab so he could sulk at home by himself. Nobody likes a downer.

The Rivals: No sports rivalry, save perhaps South Florida-Central Florida, can match the hatred that these two individuals have for each other. Though they have never met and most likely don’t even know what the other person looks like, the Rivals’ sole focus from September to December is beating the other individual to a bloody fantasy pulp. The origin of the rivalry has sadly been misplaced in the pages of history—aka our league message board from two years ago was deleted. I think it had something to do with the fact that Rival 1’s first and last names rhyme and this irritated Rival 2 to no end. He would often post messages at 3 in the morning after coming home from work drunk, insulting Rival 1’s manhood and female family members. Rival 1 would then respond with an equivalent exchange of obscenities and so forth. Things seem to be on the mend between the Rivals however, as Rival 1 recently asked Rival 2 to be an usher at his wedding.

The Newbie: The newest person in the league is usually a fantasy sports rookie or a new friend of one of the current members. Lacking familiarity with fantasy sports or the other league members, he stays off the message board and makes very few moves. This is often mistaken as apathy, and sometimes the other members will pushback angrily or try to take advantage by proposing a lopsided trade. The Newbie in our league this year is hardly a newbie in the traditional sense. He was a founding member of the league back in its initial season, but was summarily banned the following year after the current Commish seized power in a bloodless coup. The reasons for this ban are the stuff of legend--namely that the Newbie started hitting on a girl that the Commish was talking to in a bar and both men ended up going home alone that night. Either due to the Commish’s new found maturity or because he kicked his brother out of the league last season, the Newbie was reluctantly welcomed back into the fold.

The Idiot: This individual is first identified during the draft when he makes a boneheaded pick (like picking the Bears Defense in the third round. He will then follow up this savant-like pick by drafting Adam Vinatieri in the sixth round and then a second defense with his 10^th pick. This guy is basically a fantasy train wreck, but we keep him around because he is an easy win for the rest of us. Full disclosure: I recently lost to the Idiot in my league, making me the uber-Idiot. See below.

The Guy Whose Team Never Pans Out: TGWTNPO is a frustrated individual. Blessed with a high draft pick and a cursory knowledge of player value (i.e. he tore out the player rankings page from a fantasy football magazine in Barnes and Noble), this person relies on getting the best available in a certain round by checking average draft position religiously. Of course, in three months, no one will remember that the guy he picked in the sixth round outperformed most of the fifth rounders, but this fact will comfort TGWTNPO as he loses his fifth straight week and is heading towards another consolation bracket.

DC Sports 2k7.5 Edition

Early September is an exciting time to be a sports fan in our nation’s capital. The Nationals are squarely in contention for a third-straight last place finish, the Redskins are going to wildly underperform, Gilbert Arenas was last seen robbing a Hibachi distributor, and 80% of the population still doesn’t know who Alexander Ovechkin is. Let’s take a look around the different sports to see which DC team will be most likely to break the city’s 15-year championship drought (hint: none of them).

Baseball

Scandal rocked RFK over Labor Day Weekend when fan favorite and inept racer Teddy Roosevelt failed to win the President’s Race, even though it was Teddy Roosevelt Bobblehead Doll Night. Dazed and confused after losing the race, Teddy tackled Nats mascot Screech, mistaking the overweight eagle for an actual bald eagle. Screech was saved from almost certain doom when Barry Bonds ran out of the visitor’s dugout and smashed Teddy over the head with his bat. Randall Simon, eat your heart out.

With only several more games left at RFK, Nationals fans can look forward to the end of $5 seats and lack of ushers as the team moves to its new stadium in the spring. The average non-premium season ticket price is increasing by almost 40%, from $23 to $32 per game, because, according to team president Stan Kasten, “we want to make the most money we can.” Yes, that is a direct quote. Well, I guess that’s fair since you guys dropped a bundle to build this stadium in the first place. Oh wait, the city paid for everything! How about you take the $600 million you saved by blackmailing the city and go buy that hospital in Anacostia and give free medical care to everyone for a couple of years. Or, you could raise food and beer prices along with ticket prices to be consistent across the board. I have a feeling you are going to go with the latter. Hello, $12 chicken fingers!

Football

I really have nothing to write about the Redskins. They are probably going to go into their bye week 3-0, lose seven in a row, and then make a late run but just barely miss the playoffs. Mark Brunell will be back under center in Week 6 after Jason Campbell goes down with a broken hand when his new right tackle, Todd Wade, lines up facing the wrong direction. In other team news, I am going to my first ‘Skins game next month and will surely be more inspired to write about our beloved team after this experience.

Basketball

Gilbert Arenas aka Agent Zero aka Hibachi was arguably last season’s breakout star. Having seen him torch the Knicks courtside two years ago, I knew this young man had the potential to be a great player in the league. Known to be slightly insane, Agent Zero no doubt has a whole slew of craziness in store for us this season, including challenging DeShawn Stevenson to a rematch of last year’s famed one-handed three-point contest, except this time, Gilbert will be shooting with no hands. Expect the Wizards to make a surprise stop in Durham so Arenas can challenge Duke to a 5-on-1 game and then punch Mike Krzyzewski in the face.

In more local basketball news, former GW star Mike Hall is back with the Wizards after signing a non-guaranteed contract last month. Other former GW star Pops Mensah-Bonsu was recently released by the Mavericks and will likely head to Europe. Meanwhile at the Smith Center, our very own Colonials will try to rebound from their embarrassing loss in the first round of the NCAA Tournament to Vanderbilt by hopefully playing better this season. I admit I know next to nothing about this year’s squad except that Maurice Rice is still on the team and Karl Hobbs is still the coach. This season’s marquee game appears to be the November 28 tilt against UCLA, which, unfortunately for all of us, will be played in Los Angeles. But, you can still catch the team’s exhibition on Halloween against the University of the District of Columbia!

Hockey

I just got the following email from the Capitals: “As the new hockey season approaches, the Washington Capitals are looking for ways to make the game experience even better for its fans. As part of this effort, we are contacting past attenders to get their comments and suggestions. Please take a few minutes to help us by completing the attached survey.” Here is my response to said survey:

“I had a great experience seeing the Caps last year. First, I found out you guys got rid of the 4 Eagles Nest Tickets for $20 deal. Good thinking. Since no one is ever going to pay $75 to watch a Caps game, you might as well jack up the prices for the cheap seats. Then, after buying tickets to the Penguins game four months early, I show up at will call and it takes you 30 minutes to give me my tickets because the geniuses in the box office decided to change online ticket providers midway through the season. Finally, given that you guys would make more money by selling more tickets, you should probably let people buy tickets in the middle level of the arena. What is the point of keeping a third of the arena empty on purpose? I will hand it to you for building your new practice facility five minutes from my apartment. Thank you for that. I look forward to another season of spectacular play by Alexander Ovechkin and extremely mediocre play by everyone else. Go Caps!”

Scenes from Moot Court 2008

Respondent: Your honor, may it please the court. Jack McLawyerstein for the respondent, the American baseball fan.

Judge: You again? Wasn’t your client just here in the other day?

R: That was last year, your honor, when we brought a case against Barry Bonds for being a cheater and an asshole. Today, my client is under attack from the very sports media whose job it is to provide coverage and analysis for the sports-watching public. Today’s columnists and announcers have lost touch with the average fan, who is turning more and more to sports blogs and baseball analysis websites. The traditional sports media, unsatisfied with this trend, have lashed by attacking bloggers, so-called “stat nerds,” and even athletes who dare to speak to the fans without going through the media middleman.

J: What type of relief are you seeking?

R: We are seeking a court order that would require every “old-time” broadcaster or writer or anyone who likes to mock people who use other baseball statistics besides average, home runs, and RBIs to read the book Moneyball by Michael Lewis. Also, we would like a permanent injunction preventing anyone from saying “waiting for the home run,” or “clogging up the base paths.”

J: Counselor, you are asking for a prior restraint, and seeing as how this matter concerns neither national security nor obscenity, I am just going to pretend you didn’t say that last sentence.

R: Very well, your honor. I would like to turn the court’s attention to our main defendant, Mr. Joe Morgan. As has been thoroughly documented by firejoemorgan.com in their amicus brief, Mr. Morgan is the pinnacle of the old-time baseball fan who refuses to consider other baseball viewpoints other than his own. His view is that if you didn’t play the game, he doesn’t have to listen to you. Morgan bashes Moneyball constantly even though he has never read the book and refuses to read it because, in his opinion, a book can’t teach him anything new about baseball.

J: What is so wrong about Mr. Morgan being steadfast in his view on baseball? It seems like ESPN has hired him to do color commentary because of his knowledge and experience of the game.

R: That may be true, your honor, but the game of baseball is constantly evolving, and Mr. Morgan doesn’t see the need to change with the times. His disdain for the views of so-called baseball outsiders is very ignorant and ultimately hurts baseball fans because they are never exposed to new ideas while watching his broadcasts. We would next like to turn the court’s attention to the baseball media’s utter disdain for “non-traditional” statistics. Outside of a handful of writers, most baseball writers are disgusted by the non-Triple Crown batting statistics or new pitching metrics. New York Times sports columnist Murray Chass recently bragged that he didn’t know what VORP stood for nor did he feel the need to take the 30 seconds to look it up.

J: And this is a big deal why? Also what is VORP?

R: VORP stands for Value Over Replacement Player. It represents a player’s value against a standard benchmark, which is an average AAA minor leaguer, in terms of runs created. Park factors and the player’s position are taken into account, and the higher the number, the better the player. Given that Mr. Chass writes about sports for a little, it would seem like he should be required to read up on the latest sports developments. Would a company keep a programmer around who refused to learn a new programming language? I think not.

J: Five minutes, counselor.

R: Finally your honor, we would like to point out the venom that the traditional media has towards sports blogs. This would include columns comparing bloggers to homeless people, columns making fun of athletes who decide to start their own blog (as Dan Shaughnessy did of Curt Schilling’s new blog recently), or sports radio hosts who tell their listeners to issue a denial of service attack on thebiglead.com after the site made fun of said radio host. These people feel threatened by the emergence of sports blogs as viable alternatives to their own writing, and, rather than improving their own writing in the spirit of competitiveness, they instead choose to insult and denigrate other people who are better than they are. It is quite sad.

J: One minute. Wrap it up, please.

R: In closing, I would just like to say that sports broadcasters and writers should be embracing new baseball viewpoints and content distribution methods, not mocking them. This conduct sends a message to the baseball fan that listening or reading what these people have to say is a privilege, when in reality, it should be the other way around. Even if we don’t prevail today, I would hope that the Joe Morgans of the world would take a moment and reflect on whether their stubbornness and sense of superiority is really helping the game of baseball. Thank you, your honor.

As this is my last column of the year, I would like to thank my editor Sarah and everyone else on the Nota Bene staff for their hard work this year.

Super Terrific Baseball Season Preview Part 2

After reading part 1 of this unprecedented two-part baseball preview, you were probably thinking “it sounds like he just looked every team’s depth chart briefly then made a bunch of jokes about things that were funny a few years.” A nice thought, but you would be dead wrong. I looked at each team’s depth chart and roster for at least 5 minutes, which means I researched that column for almost 90 minutes. You probably feel pretty stupid now for doubting me. Anyway, on to part 2.

NL East

New York Mets: This team is one of the greatest teams ever assembled by a GM named Omar. With every position player back save Cliff Floyd (best friend David Wright might have trouble coping for awhile), and a rotation featuring a mix of young talent and AARP members, the Metropolitans should be declared World Series champions after the beat the Cardinals on April 1.

Atlanta Braves: Braves fans have spent all winter convincing themselves that last year’s poor performance was just a fluke and that this year will mark the first of another 14-straight division titles. Such unbridled optimism is nice to see once and a while, but unfortunately this will instead be year two of a 14-year playoff drought. Although Brian McCann has pretty good stats for a catcher.

Florida Marlins: Everyone made a big deal last year about how good the Marlins finished despite starting a team of mostly rookies. People fail to realize that the team finished 19 games out of first, fired their mananger-of-the-year manager and didn’t make the playoffs. That’s a pretty underachieving squad. Didn’t the Braves make the playoffs in 2005 with a bunch of rookies, an established position player and a good pitcher? That seems to be exactly what the Marlins had last season.

Philadelphia Phillies: Ryan Howard is supposedly the new young face of the league, but did you know that he’s older than Albert Pujols by two months? He already reached his peak in only his first full season! On the pitching side, the number two starter beats his wife and the number five starter is 45 years old (although still a bit younger than El Duque).

Washington Nationals: The Manny Acta Era is upon us and I for one am very excited. After clearing house in the offseason to build from the ground up, the Nationals will look like a very different team this season: one that stinks. Oh wait, that’s not any different from last year. With only one recognizable player, the only reason you have for going to RFK this stadium is to eat a mediocre pulled pork sandwich at Red, Hot and Blue.

NL Central

St. Louis Cardinals: Did they really win the World Series? Really? People don’t seem to realize the consequences of David Eckstein winning the World Series MVP. It sends a message to all the kids in America that if you try hard enough, you can achieve success (as defined by moronic baseball writers) even if you have absolutely no natural talent. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Tony La Russa’s DUI arrest last week. I know it’s pretty low to kick someone when they’re down (and asleep), but I think this whole incident proves that La Russa is no better than the rest of us who had a few drinks and was really tired and fell asleep at an intersection.

Chicago Cubs: Write this down: Alfonso Soriano will have more outfield assists than the number of innings Mark Prior will pitch this season.

Milwaukee Brewers: Apparently the Brewers are one of the sleeper teams of 2007. This characterization is completely off-base. In order to be a sleeper team, you must fly under the media radar for approximately three years while achieving moderate success and then bust out all of sudden with a great season. The Brewers, unfortunately, are already on the radar as a perennially sleeper team that never achieves anything. Therefore I won’t be sleeping (I am so hilarious sometimes) on them not to make the playoffs.

Houston Astros: I think that the Astros need to move on from their Roger Clemens fascination and start building their team around Koby Clemens. Given Koby’s so-so success in the minors so far, the team would be wise to convert him into a pitcher, so that 2/5ths of their rotation wouldn’t be taking up seats in the dugout during the days they aren’t pitching.

Cincinnati Reds: Did I make a Ken Griffey Jr. joke in last year’s baseball preview column? (Apparently I didn’t, but I did talk about Koby Clemens. Yikes). Anyway, Ken Griffey Jr. should serve as a warning that you can’t go home again because if you do, you will injure your hamstrings several times and be forced to move to right field to make way for some kid named Denorfia.

Pittsburgh Pirates: One of my friends is a huge Pirates fan, so if they have any sort of success this season (read: win more than 70 games), he is going to become unbearable. It was bad enough when Freddy Sanchez won the batting title last year, but can you imagine if the Pirates actually do something that matters?

NL West

Los Angeles Dodgers: The Dodgers were that team that everyone thought would beat the Mets in the NLDS, but then they got swept and everyone realized that they were wrong. To prove to everyone that they weren’t wrong, the Dodgers went out and signed a bunch of expensive free agents. Still feeling the heat from hiring a so-called “Moneyball” GM a few years ago, the team has been practicing not taking pitches in spring training and hopes to finish with the fewest walks in the league this year.

Arizona Diamondbacks: Randy Johnson is back in the desert and Diamondback fans are going crazy! The Diamondbacks themselves will also be going crazy if Eric Byrnes shows up in the clubhouse in one of his ridiculous suits that he sported as a postseason analyst on ESPN. Wow, that joke was pretty lame.

San Francisco Giants: I hope the Giants’ marketing campaign this season highlights the fact that their two premiere players are both named Barry. That would be really witty of them. Also I like how the team resisted the impulse to start any position players younger than 30. Those whippersnappers don’t know how the game is played!

San Diego Padres: With the Giles brothers reunited for the first time since Pony League ball and a sterling young ace in Greg Maddux, this may be the year the Padres win the NL West with a mediocre record and then win two games in the LDS before exiting gracefully from the playoffs.

Colorado Rockies: Little known fact: the Rockies have been lowering the altitude of Coors Field by several feet for the last 10 years. In another 20 years, the park will be exactly at sea level and the Rockies will finally be able to field a competitive team.

So here we are that end of this monstrous preview and I’ve come to one conclusion: every team except the Mets is pretty bad. I mean, go back and read this column again; I wrote something negative about every team! I must be a pretty bitter person. Anyway, here are my postseason predictions.

LDS

Yankees over Twins, Red Sox over A’s

Mets over Padres, Cardinals over Phillies

LCS

Red Sox over Yankees, Mets over Cardinals

World Series

Mets over Red Sox, 4-3

Idiots Who Read (and Write to) the New York Times

Given my first attempt to get a letter to the editor published in the NYT failed miserably, I thought I would turn my attention to letters that the Paper of Record considers worthy of being printed. The following letter was printed in response a Times editorial about the recent DC Circuit decision overturning the ban on handguns in the District.

To the Editor:

Residing in the District of Columbia area requires distinct differences in the way we lead our lives: When we enter a federal building, we are asked to step through a metal detector. When driving, we may be asked to take a detour. Even when walking down the street, we may be forced to pause as a diplomat’s motorcade passes an intersection.

Those of us who are required to follow these rules gladly do so each day. The argument that the Second Amendment protects the right of District citizens to keep handguns in their homes ignores other realities and usurps common sense.

I truly hope that the founding fathers did not intend to invite an inherent danger to the capital of their nation.

Matthew Taverna
Arlington, Va., March 14, 2007

Yikes. So many problems in so few words. The main point seems to be that the District is a special place with special rules, so if we have to make allowances in some areas of city life, it is perfectly reasonable to expect people to bow to Congress infringing their Second Amendment rights. Except that these "distinct differences" are present IN EVERY SINGLE CITY!

"When we enter a federal building, we are asked to step through a metal detector."

News flash: there's metal detectors in a lot office buildings these days. Also, there are federal buildings in places other than the District.

"When driving, we may be asked to take a detour."

First, driving in the District is a bad idea in the first place. Second, have you ever driven on any road in any city? There's always detours you have to take for a variety of reasons.

"Even when walking down the street, we may be forced to pause as a diplomat’s motorcade passes an intersection."

There's probably more motorcades in the District than other cities, but you would also be forced to pause as a fire truck or ambulance pass an intersection in any city.

"Those of us who are required to follow these rules gladly do so each day."

Like you have a choice? If you don't follow them, you will either not be able to enter a building or die. I guess avoiding these consequences makes one glad to follow the rule.

"The argument that the Second Amendment protects the right of District citizens to keep handguns in their homes ignores other realities and usurps common sense."

I love it when people make a farcical argument to support something, and then put down the other side by making vague references to a lack of common sense. Hey idiot: your examples have nothing to do with the right to own a handgun! It's the slippery slope fallacy and a pretty poor example of it that. Under your logic, we shouldn't be allowed to own handguns in any city. I guess these "distinct differences" also explain why District residents don't (and shouldn't) have any representation in Congress. Hey, you can't vote because the District is a special place with metal detectors and road detours! It usurps common sense!

"I truly hope that the founding fathers did not intend to invite an inherent danger to the capital of their nation."

I don't think the founding fathers even intended the District to actually be a real city with full-time residents. If we wanted to prevent this "inherent danger" (which exists everywhere else in the country where people own guns), Congress could simply pass a law banning personal handguns within 100 feet of the area surrounding the National Mall. That way members of Congress could feel even safer (even though they already have security, something 75% can't afford and probably needs) and people could protect themselves in their homes.

"Matthew Taverna
Arlington, Va., March 14, 2007"

What? You don't even live in the District (although neither do I)! You're just an asshole across the river who thinks that guns are bad and that your neighbors shouldn't be allowed to have one while you can (you can even carry a handgun in public! Two if you want). Although you will probably never read this, I would just like to say that you, Matthew Taverna, are an idiot with an extreme lack of reasoning skills. I hope your published stupidity one day catches up with you , like when you're over for dinner at a friend's house in the District and an armed robber breaks in and kills you both because your friend couldn't own a handgun.

In conclusion, this letter was completely retarded and my letter criticizing Murray Chass was much more worthy of being published in this respectable newspaper. Good day.

Super Terrific Baseball Season Preview Part 1

Last year I accomplished the remarkable feat of predicting three of the four LCS teams before the season had even started. This clearly indicates that I should be writing more about baseball and that is exactly what you’re going to get this month. I’ll be tackling the American League this week, with an unprecedented team-by-team preview!

AL East

Boston Red Sox: With an extremely busy offseason, the Red Sox brought in several new players to help them relive the magic that was the 2003 season. We’ve all been bored to tears over new Japanese pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka’s secret gyroball pitch, but I am here to tell you that he has no such pitch. What people think is this super secret crazy pitch is actually just a regular fastball coated with Dice-K’s blood (he is descended from a long line of samurais, so his blood has mystical power!)

New York Yankees: After the “Best Lineup Ever” failed to win a playoff series, the Yankees traded Gary Sheffield, but not before taking him behind an alley and beating the crap out of him for several minutes. I’m told this sort of thing happens all the time in New York City; it seemed to happen every 10 seconds on that new show, The Black Donnelleys. Meanwhile, every single female Yankee fan is still hysterical over the team signing Andy Pettitte, and this is sure to be a source of annoyance for anyone who knows one of these women.

Toronto Blue Jays: The Blue Jays didn’t do anything this offseason except sign Frank Thomas, but they balanced out that shrewd signing by also getting former Nationals shortstop Royce Clayton. I will waste no more space on them.

Baltimore Orioles: Last year the Orioles decided to get Kris Benson from the Mets. He proceeded to pitch mediocrely, get divorced, suffer a season-ending injury, and then withdraw his divorce papers. Trying to one-up this prior acquisition, the O’s signed another former Met, Steve Trachsel, who was last seen in China looking for a replacement arm.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays: It seems like each year the Devil Rays are one year from being a good team, and this year is no different, except they are probably two years away at this point.

AL Central

Chicago White Sox: Ozzie Guillen gets way too much credit as a baseball manager and as a person. Apparently he was not happy with his team’s performance last year, so he’s instituting 500 bunting drills during Spring Training to get the team to go back to its roots: purposefully giving up outs to advance runners. Every third batter must attempt a bunt or Ozzie call them a derogatory name and then claim that in his country, the word actually means cactus.

Cleveland Indians: Basically the same team as last year, the Indians will probably make the playoffs. I won’t write anymore on them because the feather in their logo offends me.

Detroit Tigers: After making the World Series last year behind the “brilliant” managing of Jim Leyland (his words, not mine), the Tigers will fall back to earth this season, as Gary Sheffield will provoke a locker room brawl after trying to film Kenny Rogers showering.

Minnesota Twins: I am now realizing that a team-by-team preview might not such have been a good idea, since most of these AL teams did very little in the offseason or are extremely boring. The Twins fit both of these descriptions.

Kansas City Royals: As I commented last year, the Royals are horrible. If I were to pick one word to describe them, I would pick craptacular. I think this accurately describes a team that paid $11 million/year for Gil Meche and whose leading homerun hitter only managed 18. They stink.

AL West

Oakland Athletics: The continued World Series drought of the “Moneyball” squad no doubt gives baseball old-timers a chuckle every now and again. They laugh because they know that if they were any other business and had to back up their views with quantitative statistics, they would have been fired 50 years ago.

Los Angeles Angels: Do they still play that rally monkey video at Angels’ games? I bet that got real annoying four years ago.

Texas Rangers: I am proud to say that I am two phone calls away from possibly being able to relay a message to Rangers’s general manager Jon Daniels. If I was going to, I probably would tell him to stop acquiring players from the Nationals (specifically players named Marlon Byrd).

Seattle Mariners: Unable to win the bidding on Dice-K, the Mariners missed out on having the first ever Japanese pitcher-catcher tandem (including Japan. Most catchers in the Japanese major leagues are Mongolian. True story). Seattle made up for this by convincing themselves that signing Jeff Weaver was a good idea. Sure he had a 2.43 ERA in the playoffs, but that was the playoffs, some place the Mariners won’t be for a long time.

In conclusion, the American League is pretty boring, so I am therefore also concluding that the National League will be 15 times more exciting. Stay tuned for Part 2 in two weeks, which will also feature extremely accurate postseason predictions (World Series not included).

I'm Sorry If I Offended You

The forced apology is one of the greatest traditions in this country today. With so many media outlets, whenever a celebrity, politician, or athlete says or does something offensive, it is bound to be picked up by someone within a day or two. This usually results in the original party backtracking from what they said or did with a varying level of sincerity. Within a week, everyone moves on and usually forgets that anything happened. Rinse, repeat. These “apologies” can hardly be considered sincere, as they are mainly designed to show as little regret as possible. As future lawyers, we need to be able to sift through the morass of b.s. that will be thrown our way, so I will now attempt to decipher some recent sports apologies.

Tim Hardaway hates gay people apparently, as he so eloquently expressed last week on. Given the severity of his remarks, Hardaway was bound to issue a clarifying statement eventually. Let’s take a look:

"As an African-American, I know all too well the negative thoughts and feelings hatred and bigotry cause. I regret and apologize for the statements that I made that have certainly caused the same kinds of feelings and reactions.”

Hardaway attempts to deflect criticism away from him by reminding us that he has also been the target of the same kind of venom that he dished out. This just seems to make his comments even dumber. Next, he apologizes if his statements were thought of as hateful or bigoted. He obviously doesn’t think they are, or else he wouldn’t have weaseled around this issue like that. Continuing to the second part:

"I especially apologize to my fans, friends and family in Miami and Chicago. I am committed to examining my feelings and will recognize, appreciate and respect the differences among people in our society. I regret any embarrassment I have caused the league on the eve of one of their greatest annual events.”

Translation: I will pretend I don’t hate gay people if you all will like me again.

Because of the bluntness of his original statement, I highly doubt that Hardaway is committed to doing anything that he just said he would. If he was, it wouldn’t have taken the negative reaction he received from his comments to convince him that he needed to reexamine his views.

That was a really serious analysis, so let’s move on to some more light-hearted incidents. Carmelo Anthony punched Mardy Collins during a game a couple of months ago and then immediately ran away like a scared chicken. In the aftermath, he issued the following statements:

“Last night's altercation with the Knicks escalated further than it should have. I take full responsibility for my actions in the matter. In the heat of the moment I let my emotions get the best of me. I apologize to the fans, the Denver Nuggets, the NBA, my mother, and my family for the embarrassment I have caused them. I ask you all for your forgiveness.”

In a rarity, Carmelo is actually taking responsibility for what he did, although he tries to blame some of it off on his “emotions,” meaning he couldn’t control himself so it’s not his fault. In the end though, he admits that he embarrassed everyone, instead of the weasel-version (“I’m sorry IF I embarrassed anyone”). Overall, a solid apology.

Chargers linebacker Shawn Merriman was suspended for testing positive to steroids. In addressing his alleged cheating, Merriman claimed:

“I’m not a cheater. I don’t believe in cheating the game. I have no reason to cheat the game. I’m about playing football and I’m a great football player. I’ll continue to go out and show that and prove that. Hopefully over time people will see that I’m a terrific football player and a terrific person; that I don’t condone cheating.”

Umm, ok. Then why did you test positive for steroids? Maybe you took too many vitamin shots out of Miguel Tejada’s locker when you toured Camden Yards in Week 4? I don’t know; I’m not a doctor. Merriman claimed that the positive test result was from a tainted supplement that contained nandrolone, which is a banned anabolic steroid. His lawyer blamed the entire situation on the lack of supplement regulation by the FDA. This is a growing concern in the nutrition industry, and I think we should all keep an eye on what kinds of unmarked white pills in unlabeled bottles we are currently taking.

Finally, for a bit of country flavor, we turn to Michael Waltrip’s fiasco last week before the Daytona 500, when it was discovered that someone added what was most likely rocket fuel to his car.

“I know I am good enough to do it without having any cheating on my car. I don't need it. I can go fast without it. I think we proved that today. This is my fault. You can't be skeptical of Toyota. You have to look straight at me."

Waltrip seems to be saying that he didn’t need to cheat to be good, but he cheated anyway. I can understand his position, because who wouldn’t want to add rocket fuel to their car? It’s rocket fuel! Another explanation for this incident is a little case of corporate espionage. This is the first season Toyota is racing in the Nextel Cup, and I wouldn’t be surprised if a certain American car company who hired a really annoying singer for their commercials sent someone down to Waltrip’s garage with a can of rocket fuel. Think of the scandal!

No I Did Not Copy The Onion

With the Super Bowl is over, this week marks the start of a month of pure sports boredom. Nothing exciting will happen this month in the world of sports and you can quote me on that. Rather than trying to write an excruciatingly boring column on the NBA, college basketball, or the NHL, I thought I would make up some fake issues and then argue about them. This will surely be more entertaining than anything that is actually happening.

Fake Issue 1: Tiki Barber winning the Super Bowl MVP

I thought you had to actually play in the game to receive this award (or at least make it out of the Wild Card), but apparently Tiki has a lot of fans in the media, which I guess he is also a member of now. Now you all know that the MVP usually gets some sort of automobile in addition to a trip to Disney World, and this year’s car was a Cadillac. Basically, we should have seen this coming. Remember those commercials where Tiki is driving in an Escalade in Manhattan and talking about seizing opportunities? While you may have thought that that was just some loaner car for the commercial, in reality it was his Super Bowl MVP trophy.

Fake Issue 2: Whether Peyton Manning should have called a timeout in the fourth quarter to film a MasterCard commercial

I would like to thank the ad wizards that came up with this idea. I was confused for a moment as to why CBS cut away to commercial only to come right back to the game, but when I saw Peyton take off his helmet and look straight into the camera, I knew we were witnessing advertising genius. Sure, the Colts might have needed that extra timeout on that last-second drive that may or may not have happened, but Peyton probably earned a lot more money for that spot than he would have earned under his current back-loaded player contract (Did you know he only earned $2.50 per game this season? No wonder he needed to do all those commercials. He’s probably really looking forward to the 2013 season, when he will receive $4 million per play).

Fake issue 3: Awarding the Triple Crown to Barbaro posthumously

Sure, he was a great horse and a true fighter from what I’ve heard, but this is ridiculous. Is horse racing that desperate to stay in the news that they would desecrate one of the most prestigious awards in all of sports? I’m pretty sure Seattle Slew and Affirmed are giving Barbaro a pretty hard time about this up in Horse Heaven (aka the art cabinet in Ms. Stevenson’s first-grade classroom). While this may be good news for Barbaro’s owners, it is not for Triple Crown Productions, who replaced Visa as the sponsor of the races and now has to fork over the $5 million bonus.

Fake Issue 4: Baseball banning the use of non-traditional statistics

This came as quite a shock to all the “stat nerds” and “computer dorks” on the Internet, but Major League Baseball does not have a reputation for being particularly logical. Apparently the old-time scouts still have a lot of power in baseball circles, and they felt their jobs were being jeopardized by people with calculators. I have to agree with these scouts. Any idiot with a spreadsheet can make statistics, but it takes a true baseball man to know if a player has the heart, drive, soul, and spiritual fortitude to be great. While I will now never be able to realize my life long dream of crunching baseball numbers in a cubicle, I know that somewhere out there is an old man who couldn’t identify a radar gun if he was holding it and who has never watched TV that is accurately and passionately identifying the next great crop of ballplayers. Godspeed.

Fake Issue 5: The NBA pretending to change back to the old ball

After months of complaining, the players finally forced the league to get rid of the new-fangled synthetic basketball and replace it with the good old-fashioned cow hide version. What the players didn’t know was that these “old” balls were actually the synthetic ones fitted with several small pieces of leather. I have to commend the NBA on its fiscal responsibility. Knowing that a shift back to the classic ball would leave thousands of unused basketballs sitting in a warehouse in New Jersey (which can’t be donated to anyone because, let’s face it, these balls are like a book that’s been taken into the bathroom), the league cleverly killed a bunch of cows, processed their hides into small circles, and paid a bunch of sweatshop workers to stitch together the new hybrid basketballs. Players can’t tell the difference because they can still feel the leather’s smooth feel on their hands during the game. This Is just another example of why David Stern would make a great US president.

Fake Issue 6: Whether this column should actually address a serious and important sports topic.
Maybe next time.

Don't trust your $12 to either of these teams in the future

Like many sports fans tonight, I cared little about who won this contest, but needed something to remain interested in the game. For most people, this is accomplished through gambling, and I chose this path. Risking my last $12 in my online gambling account, I went with the over (47.5), hoping that the game would turn into some sort of shootout.

The first half was promising, with the Bears putting up seven points in 16 seconds, the Colts quickly answering, and then the Bears answering right back. By halftime I was only 18 points away from a cool $24. As the Bears continued to show their ineptitude and the Colts continued not to score touchdowns in the red zone, I worried that they would never get to 48. That was before T-Rex Grossman (I don't think anyone's called him that yet, so I'm coining it) threw the first of his two completions to Indianapolis Colts players, resulting in seven points and then excellent field position for the opposition.

Poised to kick the over-reaching field goal, Peyton Manning took a sack, which was followed by a punt. Enter Captain Ineptitude again, who not only failed to move into field goal range but took a huge chunk of time off of the clock by throwing over the middle on every play. The Colts used their final drive to move well into field goal range, getting stopped on fourth down inside the 20. Rather than kick the game-icing field goal (Chicago could still miraculously have scored two touchdowns in a 1:40), the Colts ran it on fourth down, unleashing the wrath of millions of gamblers.

Of course, T-Rex couldn't be bothered to throw for a touchdown at this point, and the score remained 2 points away from me winning an overpriced 30-pack of beer. Blame is of course due to all parties: to the Bears, for scoring an incredibly horrendous three points in three quarters, and to the Colts, for trying to be gracious winners (also for their completely retarded kickoff strategy). I hope Peyton Manning throws up on Space Mountain and Rex Grossman gets syphilis from some bar skank tonight.

Tomorrow is Da Super Bowl Part 2

I earlier tackled how the Indianapolis Colts will win the Super Bowl (they are currently seven point favorites). Now I will analyze why the other team in this contest, Da Bears, will win tomorrow's sporting match.

Why Da Bears Will Win
Much has been said about the Bears' vaunted defense. However, the Bears are only third in points allowed per game. Third! The '85 Bears weren't even ranked defensively because to rank that team would be to admit that it was even slightly possible that a team could be better defensively than them. Anyway, this present incarnation of the Bears defense is pretty good. Like the Colts, they play a Cover 2, except with 11 guys. Their corners have been known to be terrible, which is probably bad considering Indy's receivers are faster and more nimbler than the average cheetah. However, they make up for this deficiency with their anchor on defense, Brian Urlacher. He has the nimbleness of a corner, the strength of an offensive lineman, the speed of a safety, and the mind of a manatee. Combined in one package, he is the single most dangerous man on earth. That alone should tilt the contest in the Bears' favor.

On offense, Rex Grossman continues to prove why he should be mentioned in the same sentence as his grandfather, who was a punter or something. After shattering the mark for more negative stats than extremely easily obtained positive stats in a game, Grossman looks to exorcise his demons and live up to all the hype from four seasons ago, when he threw for 200 yards in 12 seconds against the Lions. The Bears have two good running backs, although they could have had a good running back that they already had and a good player at another position, but they decided to draft another running back. The presence of these two running backs and Grossman's inability to throw the ball to an open receiver dictate that the Bears will probably run it a lot, with Grossman being asked to make a 15-yard completion once a quarter.

Tomorrow is the Super Bowl

I may be a little late to the game in writing about this Super Bowl that is happening tomorrow, but no matter. All of the angles have been talked up to death this week, so I am left with the barest of table scraps. The gauntlet has been thrown, sports media, and I shall conquer this challenge!

Why the Colts Will Win:
Most teams only have one offensive coordinator, but the Colts have two--in their actual offensive coordinator (some old guy) and Peyton Manning, who audibles every play at the line. This is double the offensive capability and is sure to give the Colts an advantage. Two sets of eyes are better than one, right? Even if one of those sets can't think clearly after being driven into the ground on several occasion. The Colts should also benefit from what is known as the "Colts Rule," which means that the referees cannot not call defensive pass interference whenever a Colts receiver fails to catch a deep pass.

On defense, the Colts run what is known as the "Tampa 2," which means they have one lineman and one safety. While that may sound a little unorthodox, since I believe you are allowed 11 players on the field at one time, the two Colts defenders are the two most amazing individuals on the planet: Dwight Freeney and Bob Sanders. Freeney makes opposing linemen dizzy just by looking at them, and when he decides he actually needs to bust out his famous spin move, it's pretty much over. Anyone looking directly at him during this movie will get a seizure and collapse. In the secondary, Bob Sanders is 4'9", but weighs 300 pounds and runs a 4.3 40 (and that was when he was injured). He has the ability to be everywhere on the field at once, thanks to his teleportation ability (like Nightcrawler from the X-Men, except without the blue skin and religious tattoos). The only reason Sanders doesn't sack the quarterback on every play is that he likes to challenge himself. He'll give up a deep completion only to chase down the receiver at the one-yard line, strip the ball, and then return it 99 yards for a touchdown (or zero if he decides just to teleport into the other end zone).

Part II of this amazing Super Bowl preview featuring the Bears will be coming up later today.