Thursday, April 10, 2008
Field of Econo Dreams
Monday, March 31, 2008
Waiting For Dmitri Young Bobblehead Doll Day
As the new baseball season starts this week, each team’s marketing department kicks it into high gear to try to get fans to come out to the park all summer. From giveaways to ticket packs, teams are usually high on gimmicks to drive up those attendance numbers. I combed through all of these marketing materials and have highlighted some of the more innovative approaches.
NL East
After an aggressive offseason of trading away its remaining players, the Florida Marlins are instituting a new marketing approach this season. Inspired by Radiohead’s pay-what-you-want pricing for its new album, the Marlins will be instituting a similar system for tickets: any fan can sit in any seat for any price, including paying absolutely nothing. Owner Jeffrey Loria has borrowed the business model of the classic American establishment, the movie theater. While food and drink prices are already at exorbitant levels at your typical ballpark, at Dolphins Stadium, a hot dog will go for $15, a beer for $20, and there will be no water fountains or food carts within a ½ mile radius of the park. To encourage patrons to shell out for the overpriced fare, each fan over 21 will receive a free beer when they enter the park. Loria has also hired so many food vendors that there will be one vendor for every seven fans. Not to be outdone, the New York Mets are on a mission to fill Shea Stadium to the brim for every game during its last season. This marketing blitz also has an ulterior motive: to make fans so nostalgic for the stadium that they will bid a ton of money at a season-ending auction of every seat, railing, urinal, and ugly-looking neon baseball player sign.
NL Central
In Pittsburgh, it’s the Year of the Buccos. During the 2008 season, the team will be playing with the heart and tenacity of an English premiership team on the verge of relegation—except the Pirates really will be on the verge of relegation. If the team should finish in last place in the division, Pirates owner Robert Nutting will move the team to the International League, and have its AAA affiliate, the Indianapolis Indians, take its spot in the National League. This little scheme will also motivate everyone on the Indians’ roster to play terribly, lest they be called up to the Pirates only to be sent back down with the entire team the next season. Can you feel the excitement in the PGH??!!? Meanwhile the Cubbies will unveil a new banner at Wrigley Field commemorating the 100th anniversary of its last championship. This celebration will feature burning effigies of goats and black cats, and will also involve the selling of the stadium’s naming rights to Bubbalicious Gum for the next 30 years. The day after the deal goes final, owner Sam Zell will sell the team to a corporation owned entirely by St Louis citizens.
NL West
Having removed all traces of Barry Bonds from AT&T Park, the San Francisco Giants are going one step further and forfeiting every game Bonds played for the team in the past 16 years. This will probably push the Giants past 10000 losses, thus eclipsing the Phillies as the all-time loss leader. Mark Ecko has already purchased the 10000losses.com domain name from its current Phlly fan owner and is planning a grand gala to introduce the site and his new clothing line, Asteri*.
In honor of the exorcism of “Devil” from the Tampa Bay Rays team name (bad pun intended), the first 190,000 fans to attend a game this season at the Trop will receive a free Devil Rays t-shirt. They tried to give the old shirts away to kids in South America, but the continent is currently flush with New England Patriots Super Bowl 42 merchandise. Rumors of the Rays signing Barry Bonds as the DH have led to a huge fan backlash; should Bonds sign with the team, legions of fans will express their displeasure by showing up to games just to boo him. Hoping for the highest attendance in the league, owner Stuart Sternberg is also looking into whether Jose Canseco and Mark McGuire will come out of retirement to play alongside Bonds to form a new Murderers Row of Players People Hate. The Yankees, like the cross-town Mets, are also playing their last season in their current stadium. Rather than auctioning off stadium memorabilia, the team will be bussing next year’s St. Patrick’s Day revelers up to the Bronx to destroy the old stadium in a drunken mess of destruction.
AL Central
Ozzieball enthusiasts, rejoice! Each fan on Opening Day at US Cellular Field will receive their very own Ozzieball baseball. This talking ball plays eight recordings, including a recording of Guillen’s tirade against Jay Mariotti, a lecture on why you should always bunt with a man on first, and a song about the importance of being scrappy. Over the protest of owner Jerry Reinsdorf, Ozzie also named May 1 Venezuelan Heritage Day and ordered 10,000 Hugo Chavez posters to give out. Reinsdorf responded by ordering 10,000 lighters to give out the same day.
AL West
The core of Billy Beane’s baseball philosophy is that fans will always turn out to see a winner, no matter how the team actually gets those wins. With the upcoming season in Oakland looking to be short of wins, Beane has been in overdrive this spring to get fans to come out to the park. After each Saturday game, Eric Chavez will talk with a select group of fans on what’s it’s like to earn $66 million while playing 30 games a season. When Joe Morgan is in town to do a broadcast, he will be hosting Q&A sessions on what trades he would have made if he were the A’s GM these past eight year. Finally, Billy Beane will be giving personal guided tours of the underground facility that is “Moneyball.” This Cold War remnant is composed of 10,000 vacuum tubes, the alternate HAL unit from 2001: A Space Odyssey, and several abacuses for good measure. Fans will witness how Beane manually inputs every data point when determining what trades to make (the abacus hated the Big Three).
Monday, March 10, 2008
Hope Springs Eternal for Softball Wannabees
PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla.—The sun-drenched fields of Southern Florida are a welcome change from the dreary grey skies of the District of Columbia. While many of you are enjoying warm, vacation spots during Spring Break, I have traveled south not for rest and relaxation, but for a chance to realize my second and third-grade dream: to be a professional baseball player. The story of how I ended up here amongst the myriad minor league hopefuls and aging veterans begins last summer on the softball fields of New York City.
Monday, February 11, 2008
I’m Not Here To Talk About The Past
With all the attention the presidential candidates have been receiving, it’s only natural that their colleagues in Congress who actually have to do their normal jobs would get jealous. It is times like these that our esteemed elected representatives suddenly discover that they can subpoena prominent sports figures and question them about things that Congress really doesn’t care about. While taking a brisk afternoon walk the other day around Capitol Hill, I happened upon a large pile of discarded boxes, which contained transcripts of Roger Clemens’s and Roger Goodell’s recent meetings with Congress. I’ve excerpted the best parts for your amusement.
Roger Clemens: Yeah, I’m receiving a medal, right?
JT: No, we’re here to discuss your alleged illegal drug use.
RC: Oh, right. That whole thing.
JT: We had Brian McNamee in here earlier and he was quite adamant that he injected you dozens of times with HGH and steroids. He even brought in a bag of old syringes and bloody gauze pads from 2000.
RC: Umm, ok? Doesn’t that seem kind of gross?
JT: He also has photographs of old syringes in a beer can that was taken out of the trash in your New York City apartment. Also, he has skin samples and—
RC: Let me just stop you right there. Are you telling me you are going to believe the word of a man who not only kept a bunch of old syringes in his basement for eight years but also fished a discarded syringe-containing beer can out of the garbage can? Does that seem nuts to anyone in here besides me? You give me a day and I’ll get you a photograph of a bloody knife that I happen to have fished out of Brian McNamee’s garbage can 12 years ago. The very same knife that was used to kill Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman!
JT: Mr. Clemens, I don’t think you understand the severity of the situation here. These are some pretty serious allegations. Do you have anything to say in your defense?
RC: Look, I don’t know how busy you guys usually are, but doesn’t this all seem too much? What are you even going to do if I admit to any of this stuff? Put me in jail? I’m Roger Clemens! I won seven Cy Young awards! My kids’ names all start with K!
JT: Well, if you deny that you used these substances and we find out later that you did use them, then we will charge you with perjury.
RC: Oh wow. So basically you guys want me to lie to you now so you can later charge me with lying?
JT: Our constituents care about the integrity of the game. Your actions are—
RC: Your constituents are all vengeful Red Sox fans who mailed me chopped up Roger Clemens action figures when I signed with Toronto. You can tell them I’m sorry I had to leave Boston, but that was 12 years ago and they need to move on with their lives. They should be celebrating the wonderful season the Pats just had.
….
Arlen Specter (R-PA): Thank you Commissioner Goodell for agreeing to meet with me. As you know, my beloved Eagles lost to the Patriots in Super Bowl 39 and with the recent Spygate accusations, we think that you should further investigate whether the Pats illegally videotaped the Eagles.
Roger Goodell: No, I’m not going to do that.
AS: Why not?
RG: Because there is no evidence of illegal taping, not from three years ago or from this year.
AS: Then what did the Pats actually give you when you requested they turn over all of their alleged cheating materials?
RG: Oh that. No, they didn’t give me anything.
AS: Need I remind you that you are under oath?
RG: No, I’m not. We’re sitting at a table in the International Square food court eating Five Guys. You’re wearing a track suit and you’ve got ketchup all over your fingers.
AS: Look, I’m putting you under oath now, so tell me what happened with those tapes.
RG: Those tapes did not contain any footage relating to football. They were rehearsal recordings of Bill Belichick’s new musical.
AS: Bill Belichick wrote a musical?
RG: I’m afraid so. It is the single worst piece of theater I have ever seen. I vomited three times when he invited me to watch the rehearsals in person.
AS: So this whole Spygate thing was a just a cover so you could destroy Belichick’s Broadway aspirations? No wonder he was pissed off this whole season.
RG: That’s right. I had Eric Mangini catch a fake Patriots cameraman so I could seize everything in Belichick’s office – the scripts, the score - everything. Then I burned it all in a garbage can in an alley in Hell’s Kitchen and dumped the ashes in the East River.
AS: So what was the musical actually about?
RG: It was two hours of Belichick alone on stage, singing songs about Tom Brady and Wes Welker while playing the keytar. Then at the end, he dances with a marionette wearing a Charlie Weis mask. It’s really creepy. Unfortunately, this Matt Walsh character in Hawaii might still have a copy of it, so I’m flying out this afternoon so I can break into his house and destroy this thing, once and for all.
AS: On behalf of the citizens of the United States of America, I would like to thank you for ridding the world of this cultural abomination before anyone else had to suffer through it. You are a true patriot.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
You Decide 2k8
As the second-most popular sports columnist on campus (I think), I get a fair amount of feedback from various law students and faculty. However, I was surprised with the flood of emails I received over break (over 700), mostly espousing on how important this column was to various students. One emailer wrote in to say that “as a 1L facing a lot of pressure to do well in law school, your column provides me a bi-weekly dose of sanity. Without your hilarious commentary on sports, I probably would have dropped out after three weeks.” Take that, Dr. Phil! Another student commented that “your column is a shining beacon in the morass of terrible sports columns and legal publications. I don’t even care that it’s not related to pressing law school issues. Don’t stop writing!” Worry no longer, dear reader, for this column will press on even in the face of the toughest adversity and academic criticism. We now resume your regularly-scheduled sports commentary.
While I don’t pretend to be a political maven like some of my fellow classmates, I see definite parallels between sports and politics. It takes a special kind of talent to talk for two hours and say absolutely nothing, to ignore a direct question by changing the subject, or to distract from your own shortcomings by insulting your opponent. Last year I touched on this parallel by imagining how the skills of certain coaches would translate over into the political realm. With the election looming, it’s time to take the opposite look at how our presidential candidates would fare in the world of sports.
Barrack Obama: Bringing in Obama as a new coach is like hiring a college coach with no NFL experience to coach an NFL team. Kind of like how Lane Kiffin replaced the horrendous Art Shell as head coach of the Raiders and led to the team to the playoffs. Oh wait. With a knack for soaring rhetoric, Obama would make pregame locker room speeches a must-see event. However, coaching in the NFL is more than just waxing poetically to the media and preparing your team during the week by saying, “hey, I am here.” You actually have to do work, something I don’t think Obama really understands. By Week 3, he would already be trying to line up another coaching gig with a better team.
Hillary Clinton: Clinton is like Cooper Manning (Eli and Peyton’s brother) except she refuses to sit quietly in the press box while her more successful family members win Super Bowls. Not happy with her job at the family passing academy, she yearns for the big stage. Surely all those late nights spent talking with Bill about how to beat the Cover 2 will translate into major success when she strikes out on her own. I am also impressed that she has sought guidance outside of the Clinton inner circle, as she appears to have enlisted Dick Vermeil as her new mentor.
Monday, November 19, 2007
This Column Is About Sandwiches
One common critique of American cuisine is that is lacks a defining characteristic. I disagree – the sandwich is clearly the heart of the American culinary culture. Now some might say that a sandwich is just two pieces of bread with some random meats and cheeses thrown in the middle. That would technically be correct, but it’s like describing a Picasso by saying it’s just a bunch of weird looking faces. You have to dig deeper. What does any of this have to do with sports? Well, earlier this semester, I was shopping on my local market, and noticed the deli counter was advertising a sandwich named in honor of Redskins left tackle Chris Samuels called the “Big Pro LT.” The Big Pro LT is roast beef, deep fried turkey breast, pepperoni, pepper jack and American cheese, lettuce, tomato, pickles, onions, banana peppers, and sweet hot mustard on Three Cheese Semolina bread. That’s quite a sandwich.
Pittsburgh Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger: The Roethlisburger
An obvious place to start this analysis would be the one player whose name already sounds like a sandwich. During Roethlisberger’s rookie year, a Pittsburgh deli created the original Roethlisburger, priced at $7. Unfortunately for this deli, the burger takes more than 10 minutes to make, and when demand soared after Roethlisberger became a star, it had trouble filling all the orders with its limited number of grills. The Roethlisburger weighs over a pound and is topped with sausage, corned beef, scrambled eggs, grilled onions, and American cheese on a Portuguese roll. This sounds like a delicious and heart-attack inducing monstrosity, but the namesake has never actually had his own sandwich. You see, Roethlisberger is not only lactose intolerant; he’s also a vegan. The true Roethlisburger, made by the team’s executive chef, is a pound of soy, oats, hummus, artichoke hearts, and cranberry relish on a Pumpernickel roll. Efforts to mass-market this alternative Roethlisburger in the Steel City have surprisingly fallen flat.
New York Yankees Third Baseman Alex Rodriguez: The Clutch Club Sandwich
A-Rod has been the subject of much ridicule and scorn lately, but he recently got a self esteem boost from Serendipity 3 in Manhattan when the owner unveiled the Clutch Club last month. After careful negotiations with Scott Boras, the final ingredients were recently approved and customers will be able to enjoy this eclectic concoction in the coming weeks. The triple-decker sandwich features a foie gras mayonnaise, honey mustard with diced $100 bills and a seasonal endangered species fried in truffle oil. All these exotic ingredients drive up the price of the sandwich to $350, but if you hold out three weeks before actually agreeing to eat it, the price comes down 20%.
Noted practical joker, philanthropist, and professional Halo player Gilbert Arenas recently rolled out his own sandwich at Lindy’s. Featuring fresh ground beef from cows at Arenas’s Hibachi Hills Farm in Montgomery County, the Blogger Burger is only cooked on a Gilbert Arenas Brand Hibachi Grill. The center of the burger is then cut out and served on a plain bagel with no other toppings or condiments. Arenas has promised free personally-cooked Blogger Burgers on the day after any game where he hits a game-winning shot. Never one to miss an opportunity, Arenas will also begin selling the zero-shaped patties to local Safeways this winter.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Better Prep Than BarBRI
Like many 3Ls, this past Saturday I had the absolute pleasure of taking the MPRE. Having completed this arduous exercise in ethical gymnastics, my brain is a bit fried, so I was unable to write a column for this issue. Luckily, managed to sneak out the experimental questions from the testing center and have reprinted some of the more amusing ones for your perusal.
B) Yes, because Red Sox reliever Hideki Okajima was distracted when the crowd started chanting “Don’t sign Pay-Rod!” and gave up a home run.
C) No, because offseason transactions are much more important to the public than the actual game and they
D) No, because no one really cares about Pay-Rod since he is a postseason choker. Had it been Aboras’s other client, World Series MVP David Eckstein, he would be subject to discipline.
B) No, because everyone knows that the information on the tapes is harmless and every other company in the industry does it.
C) Yes, because the tapes allowed Belichick’s client to steal Mangini’s client’s secret manufacturing process.
D) Yes, because Mangini is not as good of a lawyer as Belichick and he needed to get rid of Belichick’s competitive edge.
B) Bryant must not say anything because the conversation is protected by owner-player confidentiality.
C) Bryant must carry out Cuban’s point-shaving scheme because he wants to get traded quickly.
D) Bryant must agree to help Cuban but secretly bet on his own team and screw Cuban over by scoring 80 points a game.
B) Blitz Brady but tackle him cleanly. Sanders could get a penalty for unnecessary roughness if he plays dirty.
C) Drop back into coverage and hope Meeks doesn’t notice.
D) Walk off the field.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
These Are Not My Readers
Sincerely,
Lost in North Bend
Dear Lost,
I can tell from your letter that you are truly in agony and I wish I could help. The pain you are experienced is one that no one should ever have to experience, but you’ll look back on this seemingly dreadful time in a few years and realize that your past glory is just that—in the past. It is time to start looking towards the future and your team’s place in it. Instead of aspiring to win the national championship each year, why not shoot for something more realistic, like best record in the state your school is located in? That seems like a more reasonable goal. Also, I believe Idaho is the state you are looking for. Try to get Boise St. on the schedule next year.
-LLW
Tarheel 2L
Yours is a common problem among law students. As an undergrad, you were surrounded by your own kind who wore the same sweatshirts and other various clothing and who would not try to pick a fight with you at the bar during a game if you cheered too loudly. Now you have suddenly been thrust into a strange new world, one where everyone is wearing different color hats and not in the same mood as you the day after a big game. You unfortunately have chosen to exacerbate the problem by dating a girl from one of your oldest gridiron rivals. You cannot be saved. Either break up with your Dukie or try to get the bartender at the Duke bar to turn the really small TV in the back corner to the UNC game so you can still pretend to be supporting her while cheering for your school in silence.
-LLW
Dear Leftie,
You seem to know a lot about football. What can the Redskins do to turn the season around?
FedEx Field Patron
-LLW
Dear Left-Wing Lock (aka Loooser Mets fan),
Sincerely,
Phillie Phanatic
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
That Guy in My Fantasy Football League
Recent studies have shown that Americans waste approximately 200 million work-hours every day checking their fantasy sports teams, a net loss of approximately $45 trillion. Luckily, our corporate leaders exported fantasy sports over to Europe in 1989, so the effect has been minimal. With football season in full swing, the fantasy football sites have been humming loudly in offices and schools across the country (yes, guy who sits next to me in Complex Lit, I see you checking your team every 10 minutes. Guess what? You’re still in last place). Fantasy veterans primarily devote their time to one league, which they will refer to as “my league,” implying that they really don’t care about the league that you both are members of (which is known as “my other league”). With multiple leagues come multiple exposures to the various fantasy sports personalities, and I have broken down these personalities based on their real-life counterparts in my league for your entertainment.
Monday, September 17, 2007
DC Sports 2k7.5 Edition
Early September is an exciting time to be a sports fan in our nation’s capital. The Nationals are squarely in contention for a third-straight last place finish, the Redskins are going to wildly underperform, Gilbert Arenas was last seen robbing a Hibachi distributor, and 80% of the population still doesn’t know who Alexander Ovechkin is. Let’s take a look around the different sports to see which DC team will be most likely to break the city’s 15-year championship drought (hint: none of them).
Baseball
Scandal rocked RFK over Labor Day Weekend when fan favorite and inept racer Teddy Roosevelt failed to win the President’s Race, even though it was Teddy Roosevelt Bobblehead Doll Night. Dazed and confused after losing the race, Teddy tackled Nats mascot Screech, mistaking the overweight eagle for an actual bald eagle. Screech was saved from almost certain doom when Barry Bonds ran out of the visitor’s dugout and smashed Teddy over the head with his bat. Randall Simon, eat your heart out.
With only several more games left at RFK, Nationals fans can look forward to the end of $5 seats and lack of ushers as the team moves to its new stadium in the spring. The average non-premium season ticket price is increasing by almost 40%, from $23 to $32 per game, because, according to team president Stan Kasten, “we want to make the most money we can.” Yes, that is a direct quote. Well, I guess that’s fair since you guys dropped a bundle to build this stadium in the first place. Oh wait, the city paid for everything! How about you take the $600 million you saved by blackmailing the city and go buy that hospital in Anacostia and give free medical care to everyone for a couple of years. Or, you could raise food and beer prices along with ticket prices to be consistent across the board. I have a feeling you are going to go with the latter. Hello, $12 chicken fingers!
I really have nothing to write about the Redskins. They are probably going to go into their bye week 3-0, lose seven in a row, and then make a late run but just barely miss the playoffs. Mark Brunell will be back under center in Week 6 after Jason Campbell goes down with a broken hand when his new right tackle, Todd Wade, lines up facing the wrong direction. In other team news, I am going to my first ‘Skins game next month and will surely be more inspired to write about our beloved team after this experience.
Gilbert Arenas aka Agent Zero aka Hibachi was arguably last season’s breakout star. Having seen him torch the Knicks courtside two years ago, I knew this young man had the potential to be a great player in the league. Known to be slightly insane, Agent Zero no doubt has a whole slew of craziness in store for us this season, including challenging DeShawn Stevenson to a rematch of last year’s famed one-handed three-point contest, except this time, Gilbert will be shooting with no hands. Expect the Wizards to make a surprise stop in Durham so Arenas can challenge Duke to a 5-on-1 game and then punch Mike Krzyzewski in the face.
Hockey
I just got the following email from the Capitals: “As the new hockey season approaches, the Washington Capitals are looking for ways to make the game experience even better for its fans. As part of this effort, we are contacting past attenders to get their comments and suggestions. Please take a few minutes to help us by completing the attached survey.” Here is my response to said survey:
“I had a great experience seeing the Caps last year. First, I found out you guys got rid of the 4 Eagles Nest Tickets for $20 deal. Good thinking. Since no one is ever going to pay $75 to watch a Caps game, you might as well jack up the prices for the cheap seats. Then, after buying tickets to the Penguins game four months early, I show up at will call and it takes you 30 minutes to give me my tickets because the geniuses in the box office decided to change online ticket providers midway through the season. Finally, given that you guys would make more money by selling more tickets, you should probably let people buy tickets in the middle level of the arena. What is the point of keeping a third of the arena empty on purpose? I will hand it to you for building your new practice facility five minutes from my apartment. Thank you for that. I look forward to another season of spectacular play by Alexander Ovechkin and extremely mediocre play by everyone else. Go Caps!”