DC Sports 2k7.5 Edition

Early September is an exciting time to be a sports fan in our nation’s capital. The Nationals are squarely in contention for a third-straight last place finish, the Redskins are going to wildly underperform, Gilbert Arenas was last seen robbing a Hibachi distributor, and 80% of the population still doesn’t know who Alexander Ovechkin is. Let’s take a look around the different sports to see which DC team will be most likely to break the city’s 15-year championship drought (hint: none of them).

Baseball

Scandal rocked RFK over Labor Day Weekend when fan favorite and inept racer Teddy Roosevelt failed to win the President’s Race, even though it was Teddy Roosevelt Bobblehead Doll Night. Dazed and confused after losing the race, Teddy tackled Nats mascot Screech, mistaking the overweight eagle for an actual bald eagle. Screech was saved from almost certain doom when Barry Bonds ran out of the visitor’s dugout and smashed Teddy over the head with his bat. Randall Simon, eat your heart out.

With only several more games left at RFK, Nationals fans can look forward to the end of $5 seats and lack of ushers as the team moves to its new stadium in the spring. The average non-premium season ticket price is increasing by almost 40%, from $23 to $32 per game, because, according to team president Stan Kasten, “we want to make the most money we can.” Yes, that is a direct quote. Well, I guess that’s fair since you guys dropped a bundle to build this stadium in the first place. Oh wait, the city paid for everything! How about you take the $600 million you saved by blackmailing the city and go buy that hospital in Anacostia and give free medical care to everyone for a couple of years. Or, you could raise food and beer prices along with ticket prices to be consistent across the board. I have a feeling you are going to go with the latter. Hello, $12 chicken fingers!

Football

I really have nothing to write about the Redskins. They are probably going to go into their bye week 3-0, lose seven in a row, and then make a late run but just barely miss the playoffs. Mark Brunell will be back under center in Week 6 after Jason Campbell goes down with a broken hand when his new right tackle, Todd Wade, lines up facing the wrong direction. In other team news, I am going to my first ‘Skins game next month and will surely be more inspired to write about our beloved team after this experience.

Basketball

Gilbert Arenas aka Agent Zero aka Hibachi was arguably last season’s breakout star. Having seen him torch the Knicks courtside two years ago, I knew this young man had the potential to be a great player in the league. Known to be slightly insane, Agent Zero no doubt has a whole slew of craziness in store for us this season, including challenging DeShawn Stevenson to a rematch of last year’s famed one-handed three-point contest, except this time, Gilbert will be shooting with no hands. Expect the Wizards to make a surprise stop in Durham so Arenas can challenge Duke to a 5-on-1 game and then punch Mike Krzyzewski in the face.

In more local basketball news, former GW star Mike Hall is back with the Wizards after signing a non-guaranteed contract last month. Other former GW star Pops Mensah-Bonsu was recently released by the Mavericks and will likely head to Europe. Meanwhile at the Smith Center, our very own Colonials will try to rebound from their embarrassing loss in the first round of the NCAA Tournament to Vanderbilt by hopefully playing better this season. I admit I know next to nothing about this year’s squad except that Maurice Rice is still on the team and Karl Hobbs is still the coach. This season’s marquee game appears to be the November 28 tilt against UCLA, which, unfortunately for all of us, will be played in Los Angeles. But, you can still catch the team’s exhibition on Halloween against the University of the District of Columbia!

Hockey

I just got the following email from the Capitals: “As the new hockey season approaches, the Washington Capitals are looking for ways to make the game experience even better for its fans. As part of this effort, we are contacting past attenders to get their comments and suggestions. Please take a few minutes to help us by completing the attached survey.” Here is my response to said survey:

“I had a great experience seeing the Caps last year. First, I found out you guys got rid of the 4 Eagles Nest Tickets for $20 deal. Good thinking. Since no one is ever going to pay $75 to watch a Caps game, you might as well jack up the prices for the cheap seats. Then, after buying tickets to the Penguins game four months early, I show up at will call and it takes you 30 minutes to give me my tickets because the geniuses in the box office decided to change online ticket providers midway through the season. Finally, given that you guys would make more money by selling more tickets, you should probably let people buy tickets in the middle level of the arena. What is the point of keeping a third of the arena empty on purpose? I will hand it to you for building your new practice facility five minutes from my apartment. Thank you for that. I look forward to another season of spectacular play by Alexander Ovechkin and extremely mediocre play by everyone else. Go Caps!”