Hope Springs Eternal for Softball Wannabees

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla.—The sun-drenched fields of Southern Florida are a welcome change from the dreary grey skies of the District of Columbia. While many of you are enjoying warm, vacation spots during Spring Break, I have traveled south not for rest and relaxation, but for a chance to realize my second and third-grade dream: to be a professional baseball player. The story of how I ended up here amongst the myriad minor league hopefuls and aging veterans begins last summer on the softball fields of New York City.

I had signed up to play for my firm’s softball team on the first day of work, but could barely complete a simple throw from short to first, so I was banished to the outfield. I soon won over the manager with my impressive pop-up catching ability and willingness to lean in to every pitch, rising up to seventh in the batting order. Then one game, it all came together. Due either to my excellent hit placement or the terrible infield defense of the other team, I managed a triple, raising my slugging percentage an amazing .500 points. The next inning, as I was fielding a line drive out in left field, I noticed the runner on second was trying to leg out a run. “Not so fast, my friend!” I yelled. With deadly accuracy, I fired the ball home, and, after one hop, the catcher scooped it up and tagged the surprised runner for the third out.

A Mets scout approached me after the game and told me that the team would be interested in inviting me to Spring Training if Moises Alou somehow got hurt again. One Alou-hernia later, and I found myself on a plane to Florida in pursuit of a dream long thought lost. When I arrived at Mets camp, I was surprised to find that I was not the only former softball player invited to try out. Taking a page from Billy Beane in identifying baseball player market inefficiencies, Mets GM Omar Minaya has determined that the market had undervalued summer softball league players. The resumes of those invited to this grand new experiment (and hopefully the subject of a new Michael Lewis book) read like a sampling of America. There was the young investment banker, the grizzled NYPD detective, the struggling waiter/Broadway actor, the Russian mob wannabe, and the bike messenger.

As we size each other up, Minaya leads us into a conference room where he goes over the details of our tryout. First up is Celebratory Handshakes to test our chemistry with potential teammates. We are each given 30 seconds to develop a routine with Endy Chavez, but some people find this more difficult than others. After Endy slaps our Russian friend on the back, he punches Endy in the face and is promptly escorted off the premises. I had a feeling the rest of the day would play out like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, except without the blueberry gum. Next up is a filming session for Jose Reyes’s Spanish Academy. These promos are shown during home games, where Reyes tries to teach the crowd a new Spanish word. Today’s segment is the Spanish word for ice cream, helado. I knew from my previous viewings of these videos that they want the players to mispronounce the word so that they can cut to a clip of Reyes rolling his eyes at our stupidity, so I purposefully butcher my pronunciation. When we finally make out way to the field, only the investment banker and I are left from the original group. He mentions something about hitting a grand slam to win a game last summer, but he shuts up after I tell him I turned an unassisted triple play from the outfield. Clearly he has not honed the art of softball bullshitting.

Out in left field, we are told to alternate fielding balls hit by a double-A kid the team cut earlier that day. The young man’s anger from not making the team is manifested in each of his first 20 hits, which sail over the left field fence. Minaya, having recognized his mistake, sends the greenhorn back to rejoin the team and calls out third base coach Sandy Alomar Sr. to replace him in the batter’s box. The first hit off Senior’s bat rockets towards us and Mr. I-Banker decides he’s going to make a flashy grab. Unfortunately for his face, he has not accounted for the added speed of a baseball, and as he writhes on the grass clutching his bloody face in pain, I motion for a stretcher. Minaya does not seem content to let me join the team by default, so he puts forth the final challenge: I have ten pitches to get a hit off of Johan Santana. Luckily I know a lot about Santana; he is left-handed, he has a changeup, and he is from Venezuela. I take the first three pitches just to see if I can pick up anything from Santana’s windup. No such luck. Having watched three straight fastballs blaze by me, I guess (correctly) that Santana will offer up his famous changeup next. However, his major-league changeup is still a tad faster than the windmill lobs I’m used to, and I swing way too late.

After another six whiffs, I walk off the field dejected after coming so close to achieving my dream. Minaya thanks me for coming to the tryout and told me I would not be going away empty-handed. Hoping for a signed jersey, he instead hands me a Ryan Church bobblehead doll and a Mets metal street sign that says “Miracle Mets Ave.” As I walk over to a nearby garbage can to dispose of my parting gifts, I see a small boy leaning over the fence, baseball and pen in hand. I walk over and sign the ball for the confused tyke, who has no idea who I am. Some day he will.

I’m Not Here To Talk About The Past

With all the attention the presidential candidates have been receiving, it’s only natural that their colleagues in Congress who actually have to do their normal jobs would get jealous. It is times like these that our esteemed elected representatives suddenly discover that they can subpoena prominent sports figures and question them about things that Congress really doesn’t care about. While taking a brisk afternoon walk the other day around Capitol Hill, I happened upon a large pile of discarded boxes, which contained transcripts of Roger Clemens’s and Roger Goodell’s recent meetings with Congress. I’ve excerpted the best parts for your amusement.

Congressman John Tierney (D-MA): Good afternoon, Roger. Thank you for coming to Washington. Do you know why you are here today before the Committee?

Roger Clemens: Yeah, I’m receiving a medal, right?

JT: No, we’re here to discuss your alleged illegal drug use.

RC: Oh, right. That whole thing.

JT: We had Brian McNamee in here earlier and he was quite adamant that he injected you dozens of times with HGH and steroids. He even brought in a bag of old syringes and bloody gauze pads from 2000.

RC: Umm, ok? Doesn’t that seem kind of gross?

JT: He also has photographs of old syringes in a beer can that was taken out of the trash in your New York City apartment. Also, he has skin samples and—

RC: Let me just stop you right there. Are you telling me you are going to believe the word of a man who not only kept a bunch of old syringes in his basement for eight years but also fished a discarded syringe-containing beer can out of the garbage can? Does that seem nuts to anyone in here besides me? You give me a day and I’ll get you a photograph of a bloody knife that I happen to have fished out of Brian McNamee’s garbage can 12 years ago. The very same knife that was used to kill Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman!

JT: Mr. Clemens, I don’t think you understand the severity of the situation here. These are some pretty serious allegations. Do you have anything to say in your defense?

RC: Look, I don’t know how busy you guys usually are, but doesn’t this all seem too much? What are you even going to do if I admit to any of this stuff? Put me in jail? I’m Roger Clemens! I won seven Cy Young awards! My kids’ names all start with K!

JT: Well, if you deny that you used these substances and we find out later that you did use them, then we will charge you with perjury.

RC: Oh wow. So basically you guys want me to lie to you now so you can later charge me with lying?

JT: Our constituents care about the integrity of the game. Your actions are—

RC: Your constituents are all vengeful Red Sox fans who mailed me chopped up Roger Clemens action figures when I signed with Toronto. You can tell them I’m sorry I had to leave Boston, but that was 12 years ago and they need to move on with their lives. They should be celebrating the wonderful season the Pats just had.

….

Arlen Specter (R-PA): Thank you Commissioner Goodell for agreeing to meet with me. As you know, my beloved Eagles lost to the Patriots in Super Bowl 39 and with the recent Spygate accusations, we think that you should further investigate whether the Pats illegally videotaped the Eagles.

Roger Goodell: No, I’m not going to do that.

AS: Why not?

RG: Because there is no evidence of illegal taping, not from three years ago or from this year.

AS: Then what did the Pats actually give you when you requested they turn over all of their alleged cheating materials?

RG: Oh that. No, they didn’t give me anything.

AS: Need I remind you that you are under oath?

RG: No, I’m not. We’re sitting at a table in the International Square food court eating Five Guys. You’re wearing a track suit and you’ve got ketchup all over your fingers.

AS: Look, I’m putting you under oath now, so tell me what happened with those tapes.

RG: Those tapes did not contain any footage relating to football. They were rehearsal recordings of Bill Belichick’s new musical.

AS: Bill Belichick wrote a musical?

RG: I’m afraid so. It is the single worst piece of theater I have ever seen. I vomited three times when he invited me to watch the rehearsals in person.

AS: So this whole Spygate thing was a just a cover so you could destroy Belichick’s Broadway aspirations? No wonder he was pissed off this whole season.

RG: That’s right. I had Eric Mangini catch a fake Patriots cameraman so I could seize everything in Belichick’s office – the scripts, the score - everything. Then I burned it all in a garbage can in an alley in Hell’s Kitchen and dumped the ashes in the East River.

AS: So what was the musical actually about?

RG: It was two hours of Belichick alone on stage, singing songs about Tom Brady and Wes Welker while playing the keytar. Then at the end, he dances with a marionette wearing a Charlie Weis mask. It’s really creepy. Unfortunately, this Matt Walsh character in Hawaii might still have a copy of it, so I’m flying out this afternoon so I can break into his house and destroy this thing, once and for all.

AS: On behalf of the citizens of the United States of America, I would like to thank you for ridding the world of this cultural abomination before anyone else had to suffer through it. You are a true patriot.

You Decide 2k8

As the second-most popular sports columnist on campus (I think), I get a fair amount of feedback from various law students and faculty. However, I was surprised with the flood of emails I received over break (over 700), mostly espousing on how important this column was to various students. One emailer wrote in to say that “as a 1L facing a lot of pressure to do well in law school, your column provides me a bi-weekly dose of sanity. Without your hilarious commentary on sports, I probably would have dropped out after three weeks.” Take that, Dr. Phil! Another student commented that “your column is a shining beacon in the morass of terrible sports columns and legal publications. I don’t even care that it’s not related to pressing law school issues. Don’t stop writing!” Worry no longer, dear reader, for this column will press on even in the face of the toughest adversity and academic criticism. We now resume your regularly-scheduled sports commentary.

While I don’t pretend to be a political maven like some of my fellow classmates, I see definite parallels between sports and politics. It takes a special kind of talent to talk for two hours and say absolutely nothing, to ignore a direct question by changing the subject, or to distract from your own shortcomings by insulting your opponent. Last year I touched on this parallel by imagining how the skills of certain coaches would translate over into the political realm. With the election looming, it’s time to take the opposite look at how our presidential candidates would fare in the world of sports.

Barrack Obama: Bringing in Obama as a new coach is like hiring a college coach with no NFL experience to coach an NFL team. Kind of like how Lane Kiffin replaced the horrendous Art Shell as head coach of the Raiders and led to the team to the playoffs. Oh wait. With a knack for soaring rhetoric, Obama would make pregame locker room speeches a must-see event. However, coaching in the NFL is more than just waxing poetically to the media and preparing your team during the week by saying, “hey, I am here.” You actually have to do work, something I don’t think Obama really understands. By Week 3, he would already be trying to line up another coaching gig with a better team.

Hillary Clinton: Clinton is like Cooper Manning (Eli and Peyton’s brother) except she refuses to sit quietly in the press box while her more successful family members win Super Bowls. Not happy with her job at the family passing academy, she yearns for the big stage. Surely all those late nights spent talking with Bill about how to beat the Cover 2 will translate into major success when she strikes out on her own. I am also impressed that she has sought guidance outside of the Clinton inner circle, as she appears to have enlisted Dick Vermeil as her new mentor.

Rudy Giuliani: Giuliani is the hard-nosed tactician who gets the job done, much like Bill Belichick, and like Belichick, you don’t want to cross the Mayor, as you will then be dead to him if you are in fact still alive after crossing him. If you drop a pass because you are afraid of getting knocked to the ground, Giuliani will go on the radio the next week and insult your three-year old daughter. If you are late to a meeting, he will put a skunk in your locker, steal your playbook, and key your car. And, if you try to steal coaches from his staff after leaving to coach a rival team and then rat on him for videotaping your sideline, he will knife you at midfield during the post-game handshake.

Mike Huckabee: Switching over to baseball analogies for a second, Huckabee is Ozzie Guillen reborn as a guy who was once governor of Arkansas. Rejecting time-tested theories (like not sacrifice bunting on every play and evolution), the Huckster would assemble a team that would dominate the league if the homerun were ever abolished. Valuing such abstract skills as “scrappiness” and “grit,” the lineup would be a modern day Murderer’s Row, featuring such sluggers as David Eckstein, Darin Erstad, and Christian Guzman.

Ron Paul: Paul is the coaching candidate that the students love but the old-guard boosters think is a lunatic. He would have some crazy ideas, like lining up three quarterbacks in the backfield and running the statue of liberty play every down, but in real life, these would probably backfire. His proposal to quit the NCAA would initially be met with quizzical looks but his southern charm and refusal to return donations from white supremacists would quickly win over the student body. Paul’s ultimate goal would be to dismantle the university and have the football team exist as its own entity. Now there’s a man who understands the true nature of college sports!

This Column Is About Sandwiches

One common critique of American cuisine is that is lacks a defining characteristic. I disagree – the sandwich is clearly the heart of the American culinary culture. Now some might say that a sandwich is just two pieces of bread with some random meats and cheeses thrown in the middle. That would technically be correct, but it’s like describing a Picasso by saying it’s just a bunch of weird looking faces. You have to dig deeper. What does any of this have to do with sports? Well, earlier this semester, I was shopping on my local market, and noticed the deli counter was advertising a sandwich named in honor of Redskins left tackle Chris Samuels called the “Big Pro LT.” The Big Pro LT is roast beef, deep fried turkey breast, pepperoni, pepper jack and American cheese, lettuce, tomato, pickles, onions, banana peppers, and sweet hot mustard on Three Cheese Semolina bread. That’s quite a sandwich.

Now, I was reminded of the hilarious sandwich episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry tries to switch his awful fish-laden sandwich with Ted Danson’s classic Turkey and Russian Dressing sandwich, and thought “I wonder if Chris Samuels actually got to pick these ingredients.” Anyway, this got me thinking about what other athletes have their own sandwiches and how their sandwich ingredients express who they are as a player and a human being. This is going to be a deep, metaphysical discussion, so I would recommend not trying to read this while driving a car or even standing.

Pittsburgh Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger: The Roethlisburger

An obvious place to start this analysis would be the one player whose name already sounds like a sandwich. During Roethlisberger’s rookie year, a Pittsburgh deli created the original Roethlisburger, priced at $7. Unfortunately for this deli, the burger takes more than 10 minutes to make, and when demand soared after Roethlisberger became a star, it had trouble filling all the orders with its limited number of grills. The Roethlisburger weighs over a pound and is topped with sausage, corned beef, scrambled eggs, grilled onions, and American cheese on a Portuguese roll. This sounds like a delicious and heart-attack inducing monstrosity, but the namesake has never actually had his own sandwich. You see, Roethlisberger is not only lactose intolerant; he’s also a vegan. The true Roethlisburger, made by the team’s executive chef, is a pound of soy, oats, hummus, artichoke hearts, and cranberry relish on a Pumpernickel roll. Efforts to mass-market this alternative Roethlisburger in the Steel City have surprisingly fallen flat.

New York Yankees Third Baseman Alex Rodriguez: The Clutch Club Sandwich

A-Rod has been the subject of much ridicule and scorn lately, but he recently got a self esteem boost from Serendipity 3 in Manhattan when the owner unveiled the Clutch Club last month. After careful negotiations with Scott Boras, the final ingredients were recently approved and customers will be able to enjoy this eclectic concoction in the coming weeks. The triple-decker sandwich features a foie gras mayonnaise, honey mustard with diced $100 bills and a seasonal endangered species fried in truffle oil. All these exotic ingredients drive up the price of the sandwich to $350, but if you hold out three weeks before actually agreeing to eat it, the price comes down 20%.

Washington Wizards Guard Gilbert Arenas: The Blogger Burger

Noted practical joker, philanthropist, and professional Halo player Gilbert Arenas recently rolled out his own sandwich at Lindy’s. Featuring fresh ground beef from cows at Arenas’s Hibachi Hills Farm in Montgomery County, the Blogger Burger is only cooked on a Gilbert Arenas Brand Hibachi Grill. The center of the burger is then cut out and served on a plain bagel with no other toppings or condiments. Arenas has promised free personally-cooked Blogger Burgers on the day after any game where he hits a game-winning shot. Never one to miss an opportunity, Arenas will also begin selling the zero-shaped patties to local Safeways this winter.

Knicks GM/Coach Isiah Thomas: The Bad Boy Special

Thomas has come under fire a lot recently for various things that I don’t need to repeat here, but one area where he has definitely succeeded (besides his mail-order popcorn company) is his new frozen breakfast sandwich, the Bad Boy Special. Designed to imitate the greasy, throw-every-in-the-skillet-and-cover-it-with-gravy breakfast stack available at your local diner, this microwaveable delight originally featured seven kinds of imported Italian ham and bacon. However, in a bold move, Thomas traded away the entire stock for a package of Oscar Meyer bacon and a can of spam. After getting into a fight with his distributor on the Knicks team jet last week, Thomas has been forced to roll back his nationwide launch, and currently the Bad Boy Special is only available at select concession stands at the Garden.

Better Prep Than BarBRI

Like many 3Ls, this past Saturday I had the absolute pleasure of taking the MPRE. Having completed this arduous exercise in ethical gymnastics, my brain is a bit fried, so I was unable to write a column for this issue. Luckily, managed to sneak out the experimental questions from the testing center and have reprinted some of the more amusing ones for your perusal.

1. Baseball player Pay-Rod has an option in his employment contract that will let him opt out of his 10-year deal and declare free agency after this season. He has until 10 days after the World Series to opt out, but he will be traveling to his secret underground training laboratory, so he has instructed Agent Aboras to opt out for him when Pay-Rod sends him an email next week. Unfortunately, a glitch in Pay-rod’s email system causes the message to be sent out too early, and Aboras announces that Pay-rod is opting out of his contract in the middle of Game 4 of the World Series. Is Aboras subject to discipline?

A) Yes, because he should have known that Pay-Rod would not wanted him to have made such an announcement in the middle of the World Series because Pay-Rod is a classy individual.

B) Yes, because Red Sox reliever Hideki Okajima was distracted when the crowd started chanting “Don’t sign Pay-Rod!” and gave up a home run.

C) No, because offseason transactions are much more important to the public than the actual game and they

D) No, because no one really cares about Pay-Rod since he is a postseason choker. Had it been Aboras’s other client, World Series MVP David Eckstein, he would be subject to discipline.

2. Managing Partner Mangini used to work for Barrister Belichick as his coordinator for his defense practice. Two years ago, Mangini was hired away by a rival firm. Mangini is currently representing a client in a matter against one of Belichick’s clients. In fact, Mangini has insider information about Bellichick’s client from when he worked for Belichick and also knows that Belichick has a stash of video tapes documenting his client’s industry espionage. Mangini subsequently alters his discovery request to include these tapes. Was Mangini’s action proper?

A) No, because Mangini has a conflict of interest in the matter since he used to represent Belichick’s client.

B) No, because everyone knows that the information on the tapes is harmless and every other company in the industry does it.

C) Yes, because the tapes allowed Belichick’s client to steal Mangini’s client’s secret manufacturing process.

D) Yes, because Mangini is not as good of a lawyer as Belichick and he needed to get rid of Belichick’s competitive edge.

3. Baller Bryant is the star player on his basketball team. Due to personality conflicts, the team was forced to trade away its other star player several years ago and has done relatively poorly with Bryant at the helm. The team is now contemplating trading him and has contacted Crazy Owner Cuban to try to work out a deal. One day during the negotiations, Cuban runs into Bryant out in the hotel lobby. “We would love to have you on our team,” say Cuban. “I will get this deal done quickly if you keep your next few games close, if you know what I mean.” Bryant, confused, asks Cuban to clarify. “Do I need to spell it out for you? I want you to shave points for the next ten games. I’m trying to raise money to buy the Cubs.” Bryant is conflicted, as he is not fond of cheating. What action must Bryant take?

A) Bryant must report Cuban’s remarks to the league office because Cuban has engaged in fraudulent conduct.

B) Bryant must not say anything because the conversation is protected by owner-player confidentiality.

C) Bryant must carry out Cuban’s point-shaving scheme because he wants to get traded quickly.

D) Bryant must agree to help Cuban but secretly bet on his own team and screw Cuban over by scoring 80 points a game.

4. Safety Sanders is a hard hitter. During one game, Defensive Manager Meeks comes over to Sanders on the sideline and says, “Sanders, I want Brady out of commission.” Sanders says he can beat the other team straight up, but Meeks says he doesn’t want him beaten. When Sanders takes the field on the next drive, he sees Meeks mouth the words “out of commission” to him. The next play called is a safety blitz. Which of the following would be proper for Sanders to do in this situation?

A) Blitz Brady and try to take out his legs, then apologize profusely afterwards that he didn’t mean to do it.

B) Blitz Brady but tackle him cleanly. Sanders could get a penalty for unnecessary roughness if he plays dirty.

C) Drop back into coverage and hope Meeks doesn’t notice.

D) Walk off the field.

These Are Not My Readers

Believe it or not, as the third most popular sports columnist on campus, I get tons of emails every week from people just like you—ordinary law school folks who read this column under their desk in class or on top of their Evidence book in the library. Most of these emails are your run-of-the-mill “your column gives my life meaning! Can you send me a signed copy?” type (and yes, I will), but sometimes I receive a note from a distressed soul, wandering through the darkness that is the American sporting world, looking for guidance. It is times like these that I’m glad I attended the graduate school sports columnist conference at the Holiday Inn down in Front Royal last year. Below is a sampling of the advice I’ve given out over the past few semesters. Names have been changed to protect the imaginary.

Dear Left-Wing Lock,

As a fan of a certain Catholic school in America’s heartland, I am very upset over our lack of winning and media attention. I am used to us still being relevant at this point in the season, and am tired of only having discussions with other certain Catholic school in America’s heartland fans because no other college football enthusiasts want to talk about our team. Are there any states where it is legal for someone with a 10-year contract that was prematurely awarded to go “missing”?

Sincerely,

Lost in North Bend

Dear Lost,

I can tell from your letter that you are truly in agony and I wish I could help. The pain you are experienced is one that no one should ever have to experience, but you’ll look back on this seemingly dreadful time in a few years and realize that your past glory is just that—in the past. It is time to start looking towards the future and your team’s place in it. Instead of aspiring to win the national championship each year, why not shoot for something more realistic, like best record in the state your school is located in? That seems like a more reasonable goal. Also, I believe Idaho is the state you are looking for. Try to get Boise St. on the schedule next year.

-LLW

Dear Left-Wing Lock,

I am dating a 1L who is a big Duke Football fan, but the only problem is that I’m a Tarheel supporter born and bred. The inter-school rivalry is starting to take a toll on our relationship, as she only wants to watch the games at the Duke bar in the third circle of hell (aka Friendship Heights) whereas I practically live at the UNC bar on Saturdays in the fall. Is there any hope for us?

Sincerely,

Tarheel 2L

Dear 2L,

Yours is a common problem among law students. As an undergrad, you were surrounded by your own kind who wore the same sweatshirts and other various clothing and who would not try to pick a fight with you at the bar during a game if you cheered too loudly. Now you have suddenly been thrust into a strange new world, one where everyone is wearing different color hats and not in the same mood as you the day after a big game. You unfortunately have chosen to exacerbate the problem by dating a girl from one of your oldest gridiron rivals. You cannot be saved. Either break up with your Dukie or try to get the bartender at the Duke bar to turn the really small TV in the back corner to the UNC game so you can still pretend to be supporting her while cheering for your school in silence.

-LLW

Dear Leftie,

You seem to know a lot about football. What can the Redskins do to turn the season around?

Sincerely,

FedEx Field Patron

Dear Patron,

While watching the game this week in person, I noted several areas where the Redskins can improve. The first is offensive line physical fitness. I believe these gentlemen are responsible for protecting the quarterback and opening up running lanes, but they are very ineffective when they are all injured and not playing. So I would start there. Second, I think Ladell Betts should be starting because I have him on my fantasy team and Clinton Portis hasn’t gotten injured yet. He is wasting a space on my bench every week. Finally, the Redskins offense is way too complicated. I hear their playbook is over 1000 pages! Has anyone ever humorously pointed that out before? I say, scrap that whole thing and just run the option every down. That thing is unstoppable.

-LLW

Dear Left-Wing Lock (aka Loooser Mets fan),

You guys are terrible! We r0xx0red our way into the postseason, while you guys were the very definition of sucking. I hope you enjoyed sucking that hard, because you should get used to it. Phillies RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULEEE!!

Sincerely,

Phillie Phanatic

Dear “Phanatic”,

Thank you for your kind words. I hope you guys enjoyed your quarter of a fortnight in the spotlight. Too bad Dane Cook could only do one round of commercials about your glory.

-LLW

That Guy in My Fantasy Football League

Recent studies have shown that Americans waste approximately 200 million work-hours every day checking their fantasy sports teams, a net loss of approximately $45 trillion. Luckily, our corporate leaders exported fantasy sports over to Europe in 1989, so the effect has been minimal. With football season in full swing, the fantasy football sites have been humming loudly in offices and schools across the country (yes, guy who sits next to me in Complex Lit, I see you checking your team every 10 minutes. Guess what? You’re still in last place). Fantasy veterans primarily devote their time to one league, which they will refer to as “my league,” implying that they really don’t care about the league that you both are members of (which is known as “my other league”). With multiple leagues come multiple exposures to the various fantasy sports personalities, and I have broken down these personalities based on their real-life counterparts in my league for your entertainment.

The Commish: In some leagues, this position is mainly ceremonial, like the Queen of England, except without the money, celebrity status, and state dinners. In fact, it’s a lot like being a regular person except you can make people call you the Commish in real-life situations (I think Michael Chiklis used to do this back in 1995). Other commissioners take their job as seriously as (and often to the detriment of) their real job. They spend days pondering whether to make a change to the scoring system and set up the league website in the middle of July. They send you urgent emails reminding you that you haven’t paid the $11 yet and why can’t you just send the money, you lazy bastard, it’s only $11! Our Commish recently told me one night that he regretted not decreasing the scoring for QB touchdowns to four points each this season, so I called him a cab so he could sulk at home by himself. Nobody likes a downer.

The Rivals: No sports rivalry, save perhaps South Florida-Central Florida, can match the hatred that these two individuals have for each other. Though they have never met and most likely don’t even know what the other person looks like, the Rivals’ sole focus from September to December is beating the other individual to a bloody fantasy pulp. The origin of the rivalry has sadly been misplaced in the pages of history—aka our league message board from two years ago was deleted. I think it had something to do with the fact that Rival 1’s first and last names rhyme and this irritated Rival 2 to no end. He would often post messages at 3 in the morning after coming home from work drunk, insulting Rival 1’s manhood and female family members. Rival 1 would then respond with an equivalent exchange of obscenities and so forth. Things seem to be on the mend between the Rivals however, as Rival 1 recently asked Rival 2 to be an usher at his wedding.

The Newbie: The newest person in the league is usually a fantasy sports rookie or a new friend of one of the current members. Lacking familiarity with fantasy sports or the other league members, he stays off the message board and makes very few moves. This is often mistaken as apathy, and sometimes the other members will pushback angrily or try to take advantage by proposing a lopsided trade. The Newbie in our league this year is hardly a newbie in the traditional sense. He was a founding member of the league back in its initial season, but was summarily banned the following year after the current Commish seized power in a bloodless coup. The reasons for this ban are the stuff of legend--namely that the Newbie started hitting on a girl that the Commish was talking to in a bar and both men ended up going home alone that night. Either due to the Commish’s new found maturity or because he kicked his brother out of the league last season, the Newbie was reluctantly welcomed back into the fold.

The Idiot: This individual is first identified during the draft when he makes a boneheaded pick (like picking the Bears Defense in the third round. He will then follow up this savant-like pick by drafting Adam Vinatieri in the sixth round and then a second defense with his 10^th pick. This guy is basically a fantasy train wreck, but we keep him around because he is an easy win for the rest of us. Full disclosure: I recently lost to the Idiot in my league, making me the uber-Idiot. See below.

The Guy Whose Team Never Pans Out: TGWTNPO is a frustrated individual. Blessed with a high draft pick and a cursory knowledge of player value (i.e. he tore out the player rankings page from a fantasy football magazine in Barnes and Noble), this person relies on getting the best available in a certain round by checking average draft position religiously. Of course, in three months, no one will remember that the guy he picked in the sixth round outperformed most of the fifth rounders, but this fact will comfort TGWTNPO as he loses his fifth straight week and is heading towards another consolation bracket.

DC Sports 2k7.5 Edition

Early September is an exciting time to be a sports fan in our nation’s capital. The Nationals are squarely in contention for a third-straight last place finish, the Redskins are going to wildly underperform, Gilbert Arenas was last seen robbing a Hibachi distributor, and 80% of the population still doesn’t know who Alexander Ovechkin is. Let’s take a look around the different sports to see which DC team will be most likely to break the city’s 15-year championship drought (hint: none of them).

Baseball

Scandal rocked RFK over Labor Day Weekend when fan favorite and inept racer Teddy Roosevelt failed to win the President’s Race, even though it was Teddy Roosevelt Bobblehead Doll Night. Dazed and confused after losing the race, Teddy tackled Nats mascot Screech, mistaking the overweight eagle for an actual bald eagle. Screech was saved from almost certain doom when Barry Bonds ran out of the visitor’s dugout and smashed Teddy over the head with his bat. Randall Simon, eat your heart out.

With only several more games left at RFK, Nationals fans can look forward to the end of $5 seats and lack of ushers as the team moves to its new stadium in the spring. The average non-premium season ticket price is increasing by almost 40%, from $23 to $32 per game, because, according to team president Stan Kasten, “we want to make the most money we can.” Yes, that is a direct quote. Well, I guess that’s fair since you guys dropped a bundle to build this stadium in the first place. Oh wait, the city paid for everything! How about you take the $600 million you saved by blackmailing the city and go buy that hospital in Anacostia and give free medical care to everyone for a couple of years. Or, you could raise food and beer prices along with ticket prices to be consistent across the board. I have a feeling you are going to go with the latter. Hello, $12 chicken fingers!

Football

I really have nothing to write about the Redskins. They are probably going to go into their bye week 3-0, lose seven in a row, and then make a late run but just barely miss the playoffs. Mark Brunell will be back under center in Week 6 after Jason Campbell goes down with a broken hand when his new right tackle, Todd Wade, lines up facing the wrong direction. In other team news, I am going to my first ‘Skins game next month and will surely be more inspired to write about our beloved team after this experience.

Basketball

Gilbert Arenas aka Agent Zero aka Hibachi was arguably last season’s breakout star. Having seen him torch the Knicks courtside two years ago, I knew this young man had the potential to be a great player in the league. Known to be slightly insane, Agent Zero no doubt has a whole slew of craziness in store for us this season, including challenging DeShawn Stevenson to a rematch of last year’s famed one-handed three-point contest, except this time, Gilbert will be shooting with no hands. Expect the Wizards to make a surprise stop in Durham so Arenas can challenge Duke to a 5-on-1 game and then punch Mike Krzyzewski in the face.

In more local basketball news, former GW star Mike Hall is back with the Wizards after signing a non-guaranteed contract last month. Other former GW star Pops Mensah-Bonsu was recently released by the Mavericks and will likely head to Europe. Meanwhile at the Smith Center, our very own Colonials will try to rebound from their embarrassing loss in the first round of the NCAA Tournament to Vanderbilt by hopefully playing better this season. I admit I know next to nothing about this year’s squad except that Maurice Rice is still on the team and Karl Hobbs is still the coach. This season’s marquee game appears to be the November 28 tilt against UCLA, which, unfortunately for all of us, will be played in Los Angeles. But, you can still catch the team’s exhibition on Halloween against the University of the District of Columbia!

Hockey

I just got the following email from the Capitals: “As the new hockey season approaches, the Washington Capitals are looking for ways to make the game experience even better for its fans. As part of this effort, we are contacting past attenders to get their comments and suggestions. Please take a few minutes to help us by completing the attached survey.” Here is my response to said survey:

“I had a great experience seeing the Caps last year. First, I found out you guys got rid of the 4 Eagles Nest Tickets for $20 deal. Good thinking. Since no one is ever going to pay $75 to watch a Caps game, you might as well jack up the prices for the cheap seats. Then, after buying tickets to the Penguins game four months early, I show up at will call and it takes you 30 minutes to give me my tickets because the geniuses in the box office decided to change online ticket providers midway through the season. Finally, given that you guys would make more money by selling more tickets, you should probably let people buy tickets in the middle level of the arena. What is the point of keeping a third of the arena empty on purpose? I will hand it to you for building your new practice facility five minutes from my apartment. Thank you for that. I look forward to another season of spectacular play by Alexander Ovechkin and extremely mediocre play by everyone else. Go Caps!”

Scenes from Moot Court 2008

Respondent: Your honor, may it please the court. Jack McLawyerstein for the respondent, the American baseball fan.

Judge: You again? Wasn’t your client just here in the other day?

R: That was last year, your honor, when we brought a case against Barry Bonds for being a cheater and an asshole. Today, my client is under attack from the very sports media whose job it is to provide coverage and analysis for the sports-watching public. Today’s columnists and announcers have lost touch with the average fan, who is turning more and more to sports blogs and baseball analysis websites. The traditional sports media, unsatisfied with this trend, have lashed by attacking bloggers, so-called “stat nerds,” and even athletes who dare to speak to the fans without going through the media middleman.

J: What type of relief are you seeking?

R: We are seeking a court order that would require every “old-time” broadcaster or writer or anyone who likes to mock people who use other baseball statistics besides average, home runs, and RBIs to read the book Moneyball by Michael Lewis. Also, we would like a permanent injunction preventing anyone from saying “waiting for the home run,” or “clogging up the base paths.”

J: Counselor, you are asking for a prior restraint, and seeing as how this matter concerns neither national security nor obscenity, I am just going to pretend you didn’t say that last sentence.

R: Very well, your honor. I would like to turn the court’s attention to our main defendant, Mr. Joe Morgan. As has been thoroughly documented by firejoemorgan.com in their amicus brief, Mr. Morgan is the pinnacle of the old-time baseball fan who refuses to consider other baseball viewpoints other than his own. His view is that if you didn’t play the game, he doesn’t have to listen to you. Morgan bashes Moneyball constantly even though he has never read the book and refuses to read it because, in his opinion, a book can’t teach him anything new about baseball.

J: What is so wrong about Mr. Morgan being steadfast in his view on baseball? It seems like ESPN has hired him to do color commentary because of his knowledge and experience of the game.

R: That may be true, your honor, but the game of baseball is constantly evolving, and Mr. Morgan doesn’t see the need to change with the times. His disdain for the views of so-called baseball outsiders is very ignorant and ultimately hurts baseball fans because they are never exposed to new ideas while watching his broadcasts. We would next like to turn the court’s attention to the baseball media’s utter disdain for “non-traditional” statistics. Outside of a handful of writers, most baseball writers are disgusted by the non-Triple Crown batting statistics or new pitching metrics. New York Times sports columnist Murray Chass recently bragged that he didn’t know what VORP stood for nor did he feel the need to take the 30 seconds to look it up.

J: And this is a big deal why? Also what is VORP?

R: VORP stands for Value Over Replacement Player. It represents a player’s value against a standard benchmark, which is an average AAA minor leaguer, in terms of runs created. Park factors and the player’s position are taken into account, and the higher the number, the better the player. Given that Mr. Chass writes about sports for a little, it would seem like he should be required to read up on the latest sports developments. Would a company keep a programmer around who refused to learn a new programming language? I think not.

J: Five minutes, counselor.

R: Finally your honor, we would like to point out the venom that the traditional media has towards sports blogs. This would include columns comparing bloggers to homeless people, columns making fun of athletes who decide to start their own blog (as Dan Shaughnessy did of Curt Schilling’s new blog recently), or sports radio hosts who tell their listeners to issue a denial of service attack on thebiglead.com after the site made fun of said radio host. These people feel threatened by the emergence of sports blogs as viable alternatives to their own writing, and, rather than improving their own writing in the spirit of competitiveness, they instead choose to insult and denigrate other people who are better than they are. It is quite sad.

J: One minute. Wrap it up, please.

R: In closing, I would just like to say that sports broadcasters and writers should be embracing new baseball viewpoints and content distribution methods, not mocking them. This conduct sends a message to the baseball fan that listening or reading what these people have to say is a privilege, when in reality, it should be the other way around. Even if we don’t prevail today, I would hope that the Joe Morgans of the world would take a moment and reflect on whether their stubbornness and sense of superiority is really helping the game of baseball. Thank you, your honor.

As this is my last column of the year, I would like to thank my editor Sarah and everyone else on the Nota Bene staff for their hard work this year.

Super Terrific Baseball Season Preview Part 2

After reading part 1 of this unprecedented two-part baseball preview, you were probably thinking “it sounds like he just looked every team’s depth chart briefly then made a bunch of jokes about things that were funny a few years.” A nice thought, but you would be dead wrong. I looked at each team’s depth chart and roster for at least 5 minutes, which means I researched that column for almost 90 minutes. You probably feel pretty stupid now for doubting me. Anyway, on to part 2.

NL East

New York Mets: This team is one of the greatest teams ever assembled by a GM named Omar. With every position player back save Cliff Floyd (best friend David Wright might have trouble coping for awhile), and a rotation featuring a mix of young talent and AARP members, the Metropolitans should be declared World Series champions after the beat the Cardinals on April 1.

Atlanta Braves: Braves fans have spent all winter convincing themselves that last year’s poor performance was just a fluke and that this year will mark the first of another 14-straight division titles. Such unbridled optimism is nice to see once and a while, but unfortunately this will instead be year two of a 14-year playoff drought. Although Brian McCann has pretty good stats for a catcher.

Florida Marlins: Everyone made a big deal last year about how good the Marlins finished despite starting a team of mostly rookies. People fail to realize that the team finished 19 games out of first, fired their mananger-of-the-year manager and didn’t make the playoffs. That’s a pretty underachieving squad. Didn’t the Braves make the playoffs in 2005 with a bunch of rookies, an established position player and a good pitcher? That seems to be exactly what the Marlins had last season.

Philadelphia Phillies: Ryan Howard is supposedly the new young face of the league, but did you know that he’s older than Albert Pujols by two months? He already reached his peak in only his first full season! On the pitching side, the number two starter beats his wife and the number five starter is 45 years old (although still a bit younger than El Duque).

Washington Nationals: The Manny Acta Era is upon us and I for one am very excited. After clearing house in the offseason to build from the ground up, the Nationals will look like a very different team this season: one that stinks. Oh wait, that’s not any different from last year. With only one recognizable player, the only reason you have for going to RFK this stadium is to eat a mediocre pulled pork sandwich at Red, Hot and Blue.

NL Central

St. Louis Cardinals: Did they really win the World Series? Really? People don’t seem to realize the consequences of David Eckstein winning the World Series MVP. It sends a message to all the kids in America that if you try hard enough, you can achieve success (as defined by moronic baseball writers) even if you have absolutely no natural talent. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Tony La Russa’s DUI arrest last week. I know it’s pretty low to kick someone when they’re down (and asleep), but I think this whole incident proves that La Russa is no better than the rest of us who had a few drinks and was really tired and fell asleep at an intersection.

Chicago Cubs: Write this down: Alfonso Soriano will have more outfield assists than the number of innings Mark Prior will pitch this season.

Milwaukee Brewers: Apparently the Brewers are one of the sleeper teams of 2007. This characterization is completely off-base. In order to be a sleeper team, you must fly under the media radar for approximately three years while achieving moderate success and then bust out all of sudden with a great season. The Brewers, unfortunately, are already on the radar as a perennially sleeper team that never achieves anything. Therefore I won’t be sleeping (I am so hilarious sometimes) on them not to make the playoffs.

Houston Astros: I think that the Astros need to move on from their Roger Clemens fascination and start building their team around Koby Clemens. Given Koby’s so-so success in the minors so far, the team would be wise to convert him into a pitcher, so that 2/5ths of their rotation wouldn’t be taking up seats in the dugout during the days they aren’t pitching.

Cincinnati Reds: Did I make a Ken Griffey Jr. joke in last year’s baseball preview column? (Apparently I didn’t, but I did talk about Koby Clemens. Yikes). Anyway, Ken Griffey Jr. should serve as a warning that you can’t go home again because if you do, you will injure your hamstrings several times and be forced to move to right field to make way for some kid named Denorfia.

Pittsburgh Pirates: One of my friends is a huge Pirates fan, so if they have any sort of success this season (read: win more than 70 games), he is going to become unbearable. It was bad enough when Freddy Sanchez won the batting title last year, but can you imagine if the Pirates actually do something that matters?

NL West

Los Angeles Dodgers: The Dodgers were that team that everyone thought would beat the Mets in the NLDS, but then they got swept and everyone realized that they were wrong. To prove to everyone that they weren’t wrong, the Dodgers went out and signed a bunch of expensive free agents. Still feeling the heat from hiring a so-called “Moneyball” GM a few years ago, the team has been practicing not taking pitches in spring training and hopes to finish with the fewest walks in the league this year.

Arizona Diamondbacks: Randy Johnson is back in the desert and Diamondback fans are going crazy! The Diamondbacks themselves will also be going crazy if Eric Byrnes shows up in the clubhouse in one of his ridiculous suits that he sported as a postseason analyst on ESPN. Wow, that joke was pretty lame.

San Francisco Giants: I hope the Giants’ marketing campaign this season highlights the fact that their two premiere players are both named Barry. That would be really witty of them. Also I like how the team resisted the impulse to start any position players younger than 30. Those whippersnappers don’t know how the game is played!

San Diego Padres: With the Giles brothers reunited for the first time since Pony League ball and a sterling young ace in Greg Maddux, this may be the year the Padres win the NL West with a mediocre record and then win two games in the LDS before exiting gracefully from the playoffs.

Colorado Rockies: Little known fact: the Rockies have been lowering the altitude of Coors Field by several feet for the last 10 years. In another 20 years, the park will be exactly at sea level and the Rockies will finally be able to field a competitive team.

So here we are that end of this monstrous preview and I’ve come to one conclusion: every team except the Mets is pretty bad. I mean, go back and read this column again; I wrote something negative about every team! I must be a pretty bitter person. Anyway, here are my postseason predictions.

LDS

Yankees over Twins, Red Sox over A’s

Mets over Padres, Cardinals over Phillies

LCS

Red Sox over Yankees, Mets over Cardinals

World Series

Mets over Red Sox, 4-3