Waiting For Dmitri Young Bobblehead Doll Day

As the new baseball season starts this week, each team’s marketing department kicks it into high gear to try to get fans to come out to the park all summer. From giveaways to ticket packs, teams are usually high on gimmicks to drive up those attendance numbers. I combed through all of these marketing materials and have highlighted some of the more innovative approaches.

NL East

After an aggressive offseason of trading away its remaining players, the Florida Marlins are instituting a new marketing approach this season. Inspired by Radiohead’s pay-what-you-want pricing for its new album, the Marlins will be instituting a similar system for tickets: any fan can sit in any seat for any price, including paying absolutely nothing. Owner Jeffrey Loria has borrowed the business model of the classic American establishment, the movie theater. While food and drink prices are already at exorbitant levels at your typical ballpark, at Dolphins Stadium, a hot dog will go for $15, a beer for $20, and there will be no water fountains or food carts within a ½ mile radius of the park. To encourage patrons to shell out for the overpriced fare, each fan over 21 will receive a free beer when they enter the park. Loria has also hired so many food vendors that there will be one vendor for every seven fans. Not to be outdone, the New York Mets are on a mission to fill Shea Stadium to the brim for every game during its last season. This marketing blitz also has an ulterior motive: to make fans so nostalgic for the stadium that they will bid a ton of money at a season-ending auction of every seat, railing, urinal, and ugly-looking neon baseball player sign.

NL Central

In Pittsburgh, it’s the Year of the Buccos. During the 2008 season, the team will be playing with the heart and tenacity of an English premiership team on the verge of relegation—except the Pirates really will be on the verge of relegation. If the team should finish in last place in the division, Pirates owner Robert Nutting will move the team to the International League, and have its AAA affiliate, the Indianapolis Indians, take its spot in the National League. This little scheme will also motivate everyone on the Indians’ roster to play terribly, lest they be called up to the Pirates only to be sent back down with the entire team the next season. Can you feel the excitement in the PGH??!!? Meanwhile the Cubbies will unveil a new banner at Wrigley Field commemorating the 100^th anniversary of its last championship. This celebration will feature burning effigies of goats and black cats, and will also involve the selling of the stadium’s naming rights to Bubbalicious Gum for the next 30 years. The day after the deal goes final, owner Sam Zell will sell the team to a corporation owned entirely by St Louis citizens.

NL West

Having removed all traces of Barry Bonds from AT&T Park, the San Francisco Giants are going one step further and forfeiting every game Bonds played for the team in the past 16 years. This will probably push the Giants past 10000 losses, thus eclipsing the Phillies as the all-time loss leader. Mark Ecko has already purchased the 10000losses.com domain name from its current Phlly fan owner and is planning a grand gala to introduce the site and his new clothing line, Asteri*.

AL East

In honor of the exorcism of “Devil” from the Tampa Bay Rays team name (bad pun intended), the first 190,000 fans to attend a game this season at the Trop will receive a free Devil Rays t-shirt. They tried to give the old shirts away to kids in South America, but the continent is currently flush with New England Patriots Super Bowl 42 merchandise. Rumors of the Rays signing Barry Bonds as the DH have led to a huge fan backlash; should Bonds sign with the team, legions of fans will express their displeasure by showing up to games just to boo him. Hoping for the highest attendance in the league, owner Stuart Sternberg is also looking into whether Jose Canseco and Mark McGuire will come out of retirement to play alongside Bonds to form a new Murderers Row of Players People Hate. The Yankees, like the cross-town Mets, are also playing their last season in their current stadium. Rather than auctioning off stadium memorabilia, the team will be bussing next year’s St. Patrick’s Day revelers up to the Bronx to destroy the old stadium in a drunken mess of destruction.

AL Central

Ozzieball enthusiasts, rejoice! Each fan on Opening Day at US Cellular Field will receive their very own Ozzieball baseball. This talking ball plays eight recordings, including a recording of Guillen’s tirade against Jay Mariotti, a lecture on why you should always bunt with a man on first, and a song about the importance of being scrappy. Over the protest of owner Jerry Reinsdorf, Ozzie also named May 1 Venezuelan Heritage Day and ordered 10,000 Hugo Chavez posters to give out. Reinsdorf responded by ordering 10,000 lighters to give out the same day.

AL West

The core of Billy Beane’s baseball philosophy is that fans will always turn out to see a winner, no matter how the team actually gets those wins. With the upcoming season in Oakland looking to be short of wins, Beane has been in overdrive this spring to get fans to come out to the park. After each Saturday game, Eric Chavez will talk with a select group of fans on what’s it’s like to earn $66 million while playing 30 games a season. When Joe Morgan is in town to do a broadcast, he will be hosting Q&A sessions on what trades he would have made if he were the A’s GM these past eight year. Finally, Billy Beane will be giving personal guided tours of the underground facility that is “Moneyball.” This Cold War remnant is composed of 10,000 vacuum tubes, the alternate HAL unit from 2001: A Space Odyssey, and several abacuses for good measure. Fans will witness how Beane manually inputs every data point when determining what trades to make (the abacus hated the Big Three).

I’m Not Here To Talk About The Past

With all the attention the presidential candidates have been receiving, it’s only natural that their colleagues in Congress who actually have to do their normal jobs would get jealous. It is times like these that our esteemed elected representatives suddenly discover that they can subpoena prominent sports figures and question them about things that Congress really doesn’t care about. While taking a brisk afternoon walk the other day around Capitol Hill, I happened upon a large pile of discarded boxes, which contained transcripts of Roger Clemens’s and Roger Goodell’s recent meetings with Congress. I’ve excerpted the best parts for your amusement.

Congressman John Tierney (D-MA): Good afternoon, Roger. Thank you for coming to Washington. Do you know why you are here today before the Committee?

Roger Clemens: Yeah, I’m receiving a medal, right?

JT: No, we’re here to discuss your alleged illegal drug use.

RC: Oh, right. That whole thing.

JT: We had Brian McNamee in here earlier and he was quite adamant that he injected you dozens of times with HGH and steroids. He even brought in a bag of old syringes and bloody gauze pads from 2000.

RC: Umm, ok? Doesn’t that seem kind of gross?

JT: He also has photographs of old syringes in a beer can that was taken out of the trash in your New York City apartment. Also, he has skin samples and—

RC: Let me just stop you right there. Are you telling me you are going to believe the word of a man who not only kept a bunch of old syringes in his basement for eight years but also fished a discarded syringe-containing beer can out of the garbage can? Does that seem nuts to anyone in here besides me? You give me a day and I’ll get you a photograph of a bloody knife that I happen to have fished out of Brian McNamee’s garbage can 12 years ago. The very same knife that was used to kill Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman!

JT: Mr. Clemens, I don’t think you understand the severity of the situation here. These are some pretty serious allegations. Do you have anything to say in your defense?

RC: Look, I don’t know how busy you guys usually are, but doesn’t this all seem too much? What are you even going to do if I admit to any of this stuff? Put me in jail? I’m Roger Clemens! I won seven Cy Young awards! My kids’ names all start with K!

JT: Well, if you deny that you used these substances and we find out later that you did use them, then we will charge you with perjury.

RC: Oh wow. So basically you guys want me to lie to you now so you can later charge me with lying?

JT: Our constituents care about the integrity of the game. Your actions are—

RC: Your constituents are all vengeful Red Sox fans who mailed me chopped up Roger Clemens action figures when I signed with Toronto. You can tell them I’m sorry I had to leave Boston, but that was 12 years ago and they need to move on with their lives. They should be celebrating the wonderful season the Pats just had.

….

Arlen Specter (R-PA): Thank you Commissioner Goodell for agreeing to meet with me. As you know, my beloved Eagles lost to the Patriots in Super Bowl 39 and with the recent Spygate accusations, we think that you should further investigate whether the Pats illegally videotaped the Eagles.

Roger Goodell: No, I’m not going to do that.

AS: Why not?

RG: Because there is no evidence of illegal taping, not from three years ago or from this year.

AS: Then what did the Pats actually give you when you requested they turn over all of their alleged cheating materials?

RG: Oh that. No, they didn’t give me anything.

AS: Need I remind you that you are under oath?

RG: No, I’m not. We’re sitting at a table in the International Square food court eating Five Guys. You’re wearing a track suit and you’ve got ketchup all over your fingers.

AS: Look, I’m putting you under oath now, so tell me what happened with those tapes.

RG: Those tapes did not contain any footage relating to football. They were rehearsal recordings of Bill Belichick’s new musical.

AS: Bill Belichick wrote a musical?

RG: I’m afraid so. It is the single worst piece of theater I have ever seen. I vomited three times when he invited me to watch the rehearsals in person.

AS: So this whole Spygate thing was a just a cover so you could destroy Belichick’s Broadway aspirations? No wonder he was pissed off this whole season.

RG: That’s right. I had Eric Mangini catch a fake Patriots cameraman so I could seize everything in Belichick’s office – the scripts, the score - everything. Then I burned it all in a garbage can in an alley in Hell’s Kitchen and dumped the ashes in the East River.

AS: So what was the musical actually about?

RG: It was two hours of Belichick alone on stage, singing songs about Tom Brady and Wes Welker while playing the keytar. Then at the end, he dances with a marionette wearing a Charlie Weis mask. It’s really creepy. Unfortunately, this Matt Walsh character in Hawaii might still have a copy of it, so I’m flying out this afternoon so I can break into his house and destroy this thing, once and for all.

AS: On behalf of the citizens of the United States of America, I would like to thank you for ridding the world of this cultural abomination before anyone else had to suffer through it. You are a true patriot.

Scenes from Moot Court 2008

Respondent: Your honor, may it please the court. Jack McLawyerstein for the respondent, the American baseball fan.

Judge: You again? Wasn’t your client just here in the other day?

R: That was last year, your honor, when we brought a case against Barry Bonds for being a cheater and an asshole. Today, my client is under attack from the very sports media whose job it is to provide coverage and analysis for the sports-watching public. Today’s columnists and announcers have lost touch with the average fan, who is turning more and more to sports blogs and baseball analysis websites. The traditional sports media, unsatisfied with this trend, have lashed by attacking bloggers, so-called “stat nerds,” and even athletes who dare to speak to the fans without going through the media middleman.

J: What type of relief are you seeking?

R: We are seeking a court order that would require every “old-time” broadcaster or writer or anyone who likes to mock people who use other baseball statistics besides average, home runs, and RBIs to read the book Moneyball by Michael Lewis. Also, we would like a permanent injunction preventing anyone from saying “waiting for the home run,” or “clogging up the base paths.”

J: Counselor, you are asking for a prior restraint, and seeing as how this matter concerns neither national security nor obscenity, I am just going to pretend you didn’t say that last sentence.

R: Very well, your honor. I would like to turn the court’s attention to our main defendant, Mr. Joe Morgan. As has been thoroughly documented by firejoemorgan.com in their amicus brief, Mr. Morgan is the pinnacle of the old-time baseball fan who refuses to consider other baseball viewpoints other than his own. His view is that if you didn’t play the game, he doesn’t have to listen to you. Morgan bashes Moneyball constantly even though he has never read the book and refuses to read it because, in his opinion, a book can’t teach him anything new about baseball.

J: What is so wrong about Mr. Morgan being steadfast in his view on baseball? It seems like ESPN has hired him to do color commentary because of his knowledge and experience of the game.

R: That may be true, your honor, but the game of baseball is constantly evolving, and Mr. Morgan doesn’t see the need to change with the times. His disdain for the views of so-called baseball outsiders is very ignorant and ultimately hurts baseball fans because they are never exposed to new ideas while watching his broadcasts. We would next like to turn the court’s attention to the baseball media’s utter disdain for “non-traditional” statistics. Outside of a handful of writers, most baseball writers are disgusted by the non-Triple Crown batting statistics or new pitching metrics. New York Times sports columnist Murray Chass recently bragged that he didn’t know what VORP stood for nor did he feel the need to take the 30 seconds to look it up.

J: And this is a big deal why? Also what is VORP?

R: VORP stands for Value Over Replacement Player. It represents a player’s value against a standard benchmark, which is an average AAA minor leaguer, in terms of runs created. Park factors and the player’s position are taken into account, and the higher the number, the better the player. Given that Mr. Chass writes about sports for a little, it would seem like he should be required to read up on the latest sports developments. Would a company keep a programmer around who refused to learn a new programming language? I think not.

J: Five minutes, counselor.

R: Finally your honor, we would like to point out the venom that the traditional media has towards sports blogs. This would include columns comparing bloggers to homeless people, columns making fun of athletes who decide to start their own blog (as Dan Shaughnessy did of Curt Schilling’s new blog recently), or sports radio hosts who tell their listeners to issue a denial of service attack on thebiglead.com after the site made fun of said radio host. These people feel threatened by the emergence of sports blogs as viable alternatives to their own writing, and, rather than improving their own writing in the spirit of competitiveness, they instead choose to insult and denigrate other people who are better than they are. It is quite sad.

J: One minute. Wrap it up, please.

R: In closing, I would just like to say that sports broadcasters and writers should be embracing new baseball viewpoints and content distribution methods, not mocking them. This conduct sends a message to the baseball fan that listening or reading what these people have to say is a privilege, when in reality, it should be the other way around. Even if we don’t prevail today, I would hope that the Joe Morgans of the world would take a moment and reflect on whether their stubbornness and sense of superiority is really helping the game of baseball. Thank you, your honor.

As this is my last column of the year, I would like to thank my editor Sarah and everyone else on the Nota Bene staff for their hard work this year.

Super Terrific Baseball Season Preview Part 2

After reading part 1 of this unprecedented two-part baseball preview, you were probably thinking “it sounds like he just looked every team’s depth chart briefly then made a bunch of jokes about things that were funny a few years.” A nice thought, but you would be dead wrong. I looked at each team’s depth chart and roster for at least 5 minutes, which means I researched that column for almost 90 minutes. You probably feel pretty stupid now for doubting me. Anyway, on to part 2.

NL East

New York Mets: This team is one of the greatest teams ever assembled by a GM named Omar. With every position player back save Cliff Floyd (best friend David Wright might have trouble coping for awhile), and a rotation featuring a mix of young talent and AARP members, the Metropolitans should be declared World Series champions after the beat the Cardinals on April 1.

Atlanta Braves: Braves fans have spent all winter convincing themselves that last year’s poor performance was just a fluke and that this year will mark the first of another 14-straight division titles. Such unbridled optimism is nice to see once and a while, but unfortunately this will instead be year two of a 14-year playoff drought. Although Brian McCann has pretty good stats for a catcher.

Florida Marlins: Everyone made a big deal last year about how good the Marlins finished despite starting a team of mostly rookies. People fail to realize that the team finished 19 games out of first, fired their mananger-of-the-year manager and didn’t make the playoffs. That’s a pretty underachieving squad. Didn’t the Braves make the playoffs in 2005 with a bunch of rookies, an established position player and a good pitcher? That seems to be exactly what the Marlins had last season.

Philadelphia Phillies: Ryan Howard is supposedly the new young face of the league, but did you know that he’s older than Albert Pujols by two months? He already reached his peak in only his first full season! On the pitching side, the number two starter beats his wife and the number five starter is 45 years old (although still a bit younger than El Duque).

Washington Nationals: The Manny Acta Era is upon us and I for one am very excited. After clearing house in the offseason to build from the ground up, the Nationals will look like a very different team this season: one that stinks. Oh wait, that’s not any different from last year. With only one recognizable player, the only reason you have for going to RFK this stadium is to eat a mediocre pulled pork sandwich at Red, Hot and Blue.

NL Central

St. Louis Cardinals: Did they really win the World Series? Really? People don’t seem to realize the consequences of David Eckstein winning the World Series MVP. It sends a message to all the kids in America that if you try hard enough, you can achieve success (as defined by moronic baseball writers) even if you have absolutely no natural talent. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Tony La Russa’s DUI arrest last week. I know it’s pretty low to kick someone when they’re down (and asleep), but I think this whole incident proves that La Russa is no better than the rest of us who had a few drinks and was really tired and fell asleep at an intersection.

Chicago Cubs: Write this down: Alfonso Soriano will have more outfield assists than the number of innings Mark Prior will pitch this season.

Milwaukee Brewers: Apparently the Brewers are one of the sleeper teams of 2007. This characterization is completely off-base. In order to be a sleeper team, you must fly under the media radar for approximately three years while achieving moderate success and then bust out all of sudden with a great season. The Brewers, unfortunately, are already on the radar as a perennially sleeper team that never achieves anything. Therefore I won’t be sleeping (I am so hilarious sometimes) on them not to make the playoffs.

Houston Astros: I think that the Astros need to move on from their Roger Clemens fascination and start building their team around Koby Clemens. Given Koby’s so-so success in the minors so far, the team would be wise to convert him into a pitcher, so that 2/5ths of their rotation wouldn’t be taking up seats in the dugout during the days they aren’t pitching.

Cincinnati Reds: Did I make a Ken Griffey Jr. joke in last year’s baseball preview column? (Apparently I didn’t, but I did talk about Koby Clemens. Yikes). Anyway, Ken Griffey Jr. should serve as a warning that you can’t go home again because if you do, you will injure your hamstrings several times and be forced to move to right field to make way for some kid named Denorfia.

Pittsburgh Pirates: One of my friends is a huge Pirates fan, so if they have any sort of success this season (read: win more than 70 games), he is going to become unbearable. It was bad enough when Freddy Sanchez won the batting title last year, but can you imagine if the Pirates actually do something that matters?

NL West

Los Angeles Dodgers: The Dodgers were that team that everyone thought would beat the Mets in the NLDS, but then they got swept and everyone realized that they were wrong. To prove to everyone that they weren’t wrong, the Dodgers went out and signed a bunch of expensive free agents. Still feeling the heat from hiring a so-called “Moneyball” GM a few years ago, the team has been practicing not taking pitches in spring training and hopes to finish with the fewest walks in the league this year.

Arizona Diamondbacks: Randy Johnson is back in the desert and Diamondback fans are going crazy! The Diamondbacks themselves will also be going crazy if Eric Byrnes shows up in the clubhouse in one of his ridiculous suits that he sported as a postseason analyst on ESPN. Wow, that joke was pretty lame.

San Francisco Giants: I hope the Giants’ marketing campaign this season highlights the fact that their two premiere players are both named Barry. That would be really witty of them. Also I like how the team resisted the impulse to start any position players younger than 30. Those whippersnappers don’t know how the game is played!

San Diego Padres: With the Giles brothers reunited for the first time since Pony League ball and a sterling young ace in Greg Maddux, this may be the year the Padres win the NL West with a mediocre record and then win two games in the LDS before exiting gracefully from the playoffs.

Colorado Rockies: Little known fact: the Rockies have been lowering the altitude of Coors Field by several feet for the last 10 years. In another 20 years, the park will be exactly at sea level and the Rockies will finally be able to field a competitive team.

So here we are that end of this monstrous preview and I’ve come to one conclusion: every team except the Mets is pretty bad. I mean, go back and read this column again; I wrote something negative about every team! I must be a pretty bitter person. Anyway, here are my postseason predictions.

LDS

Yankees over Twins, Red Sox over A’s

Mets over Padres, Cardinals over Phillies

LCS

Red Sox over Yankees, Mets over Cardinals

World Series

Mets over Red Sox, 4-3

Super Terrific Baseball Season Preview Part 1

Last year I accomplished the remarkable feat of predicting three of the four LCS teams before the season had even started. This clearly indicates that I should be writing more about baseball and that is exactly what you’re going to get this month. I’ll be tackling the American League this week, with an unprecedented team-by-team preview!

AL East

Boston Red Sox: With an extremely busy offseason, the Red Sox brought in several new players to help them relive the magic that was the 2003 season. We’ve all been bored to tears over new Japanese pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka’s secret gyroball pitch, but I am here to tell you that he has no such pitch. What people think is this super secret crazy pitch is actually just a regular fastball coated with Dice-K’s blood (he is descended from a long line of samurais, so his blood has mystical power!)

New York Yankees: After the “Best Lineup Ever” failed to win a playoff series, the Yankees traded Gary Sheffield, but not before taking him behind an alley and beating the crap out of him for several minutes. I’m told this sort of thing happens all the time in New York City; it seemed to happen every 10 seconds on that new show, The Black Donnelleys. Meanwhile, every single female Yankee fan is still hysterical over the team signing Andy Pettitte, and this is sure to be a source of annoyance for anyone who knows one of these women.

Toronto Blue Jays: The Blue Jays didn’t do anything this offseason except sign Frank Thomas, but they balanced out that shrewd signing by also getting former Nationals shortstop Royce Clayton. I will waste no more space on them.

Baltimore Orioles: Last year the Orioles decided to get Kris Benson from the Mets. He proceeded to pitch mediocrely, get divorced, suffer a season-ending injury, and then withdraw his divorce papers. Trying to one-up this prior acquisition, the O’s signed another former Met, Steve Trachsel, who was last seen in China looking for a replacement arm.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays: It seems like each year the Devil Rays are one year from being a good team, and this year is no different, except they are probably two years away at this point.

AL Central

Chicago White Sox: Ozzie Guillen gets way too much credit as a baseball manager and as a person. Apparently he was not happy with his team’s performance last year, so he’s instituting 500 bunting drills during Spring Training to get the team to go back to its roots: purposefully giving up outs to advance runners. Every third batter must attempt a bunt or Ozzie call them a derogatory name and then claim that in his country, the word actually means cactus.

Cleveland Indians: Basically the same team as last year, the Indians will probably make the playoffs. I won’t write anymore on them because the feather in their logo offends me.

Detroit Tigers: After making the World Series last year behind the “brilliant” managing of Jim Leyland (his words, not mine), the Tigers will fall back to earth this season, as Gary Sheffield will provoke a locker room brawl after trying to film Kenny Rogers showering.

Minnesota Twins: I am now realizing that a team-by-team preview might not such have been a good idea, since most of these AL teams did very little in the offseason or are extremely boring. The Twins fit both of these descriptions.

Kansas City Royals: As I commented last year, the Royals are horrible. If I were to pick one word to describe them, I would pick craptacular. I think this accurately describes a team that paid $11 million/year for Gil Meche and whose leading homerun hitter only managed 18. They stink.

AL West

Oakland Athletics: The continued World Series drought of the “Moneyball” squad no doubt gives baseball old-timers a chuckle every now and again. They laugh because they know that if they were any other business and had to back up their views with quantitative statistics, they would have been fired 50 years ago.

Los Angeles Angels: Do they still play that rally monkey video at Angels’ games? I bet that got real annoying four years ago.

Texas Rangers: I am proud to say that I am two phone calls away from possibly being able to relay a message to Rangers’s general manager Jon Daniels. If I was going to, I probably would tell him to stop acquiring players from the Nationals (specifically players named Marlon Byrd).

Seattle Mariners: Unable to win the bidding on Dice-K, the Mariners missed out on having the first ever Japanese pitcher-catcher tandem (including Japan. Most catchers in the Japanese major leagues are Mongolian. True story). Seattle made up for this by convincing themselves that signing Jeff Weaver was a good idea. Sure he had a 2.43 ERA in the playoffs, but that was the playoffs, some place the Mariners won’t be for a long time.

In conclusion, the American League is pretty boring, so I am therefore also concluding that the National League will be 15 times more exciting. Stay tuned for Part 2 in two weeks, which will also feature extremely accurate postseason predictions (World Series not included).

Hall of the Marginally Great

Recently some players were elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame and some weren't, touching off another round of sports columns lauding the inductees and arguing about whether So-and-so should get in spite of the suspicion that he chewed Bubbilicious for most of his career instead of Big League Chew. There are several events like this each year, when every columnist in America feels the need to weigh in on why Tony Gwynn was such a great player or why Jim Rice shouldn't be in the Hall of Fame or why Peter King is a jackass. The same thing happens right before they announce the league MVP or the All-Star game rosters or which reporter gets to follow Barry Bonds around for a year. As much as I enjoy reading these nuggets of wisdom (and I really really do), maybe we need to draw straws so only one person gets to write this homerun of a column. A better idea would be to stop inducting people into the Hall of Fame altogether.

Back when it was first created, there were only five people in the Hall of Fame and they were pretty famous. After a couple of years, the number rose to 10, then to 34, and then it took awhile but it eventually stopped at 117 (then secretly added another 163 people last month). The point is, no one remembers who the original five were and their plaques are buried in the Cooperstown basement next to the exhibit from A League of Their Own. I believe this is what they call "dilution" in finance and it's destroying the Hall of Fame from the ground up (or whatever floor they put the members on).

People who love the Hall of Fame and arguing about it would argue that people visit Cooperstown want to see all the greatest players and learn about the game. If we stopped inducting people, then the record of baseball is incomplete, they would argue. This is all well and good assuming that the Hall is built to withstand a nuclear blast and that people thousands of years in the future are going to wonder why Bert Blyleven doesn't have a shiny plaque next to Bruce Sutter. I would argue, based on my one trip to the Hall of Fame 15 years ago, that the exhibits, not the plaque room, are the most interesting part of Cooperstown. Sure it's fun to look at Babe Ruth in all his glory, but who cares about Cal Ripkin? We watched him play on television for years and I'm pretty sure Babe Ruth couldn't even have been photographed without the camera exploding, so we need that plaque up there or 10 years from now, everyone will think John Goodman is actually the Babe.

Since that proposal will never pass muster with the baseball writers who have a vote and those who don't but like writing columns that start "If I had a vote for the HoF, here's who I'd vote for," I propose a more limited selection process. Just like the World Cup and Olympics aren't held every year, the Hall of Fame elections (not just for baseball, but for every sport) should be limited to once every 10 years. Also, there should be a cap of 10 selections for every year, and once you fail to make it during one term, you're done. This would make the selection announcement into a huge media event, sparking weeks of promotion and columns from every writer in the country (on second thought, scratch that).

Also, isn't there something wrong with the writers voting for the inductees? Reporters and columnists aren't exactly objective people and they hold grudges and have big egos and hate athletes who don't give them good access and still use typewriters. Are we supposed to believe that these people are the best judges of baseball ability? If you have a Hall of Fame vote, that's one column in the bag each year. The Veterans Committee is no better since they'll either vote for their teammates or not vote for anyone at all. Instead of human voting, a formula should developed that would decide things on a purely objective level. It should be constructed so the resulting selections would reflect the top 5% of players who have played at least 15 years. Any use of numbers besides batting average, home runs, and RBIs may frighten some baseball people, but this is exactly why they shouldn't be allowed to vote.

That's three proposals on how to make the Hall of Fame better, more than any other column will give you today, especially since the voting was announced two weeks ago. With quality individuals like Robb Nen and Matt Williams coming up for induction soon, I have a feeling we might just see our first unanimous selection ever. Of course, since Pete Rose isn't in the Hall of Fame, the whole thing is a complete farce! That guy is a true legend.

Eleventeenth Annual Baseball Season Preview

Baseball season is upon us and while most of you were probably looking for some sort of NCAA March Madness column in this space, too bad. I hate college basketball with a passion. That, or our deadline for this issue was before Spring Break and the bracket isn’t even out yet. With that stipulated, let’s take a look at most of the teams in the league. If your team didn’t make the cut, maybe you should stop following sports.

AL East
After several bienniums of playoff failure, the Yankees looked poised to fall to the bottom of the division now that the Blue Jays have signed both B.J. Ryan and A.J. Burnett! Look out! But seriously, the Yankees are going to miss the playoffs one of these years, and all hell will break loose as the Daily News and the Post compete to see who can run the bigger headline. At the bottom of the division, the much-ignored Devil Rays looked poised for a breakout third-place finish. The only hope for this team is to move to Las Vegas and the AL West. I propose a trade to make this happen: Las Vegas will get the team and Tampa will get the Circus Circus Casino and Hotel. Tampa is probably getting the better end of this, and the city deserves it after putting up with such mediocre baseball for the past 8 years. And who can forget about the Orioles and all their offseason moves? Oh, that’s right – me.

AL Central
Apparently, the White Sox won the World Series last year, but no one seemed to pay attention, and therefore, it didn’t happen. Maybe the Sox will be able to exorcise the Black Sox demons this year with a little bit more excitement. On the other end of the spectrum, the Royals are just awful. If you’re a Royals fan, I feel sorry for you. What do you have to look forward to in the next few years? That Angel Berroa will become the best shortstop ever? That Runelvys Hernandez will get his ERA under 5 this season? Spare yourself and your future children the abuse, and just stop following baseball altogether. In the middle we have the battle of teams with overweight closers. While Bob Wickman of the Indians has the weight advantage at 240 lbs (and is two inches shorter), I give the edge to Todd Jones of the Tigers because he has a better moustache.

AL West
Now that the Moneyball furor has died down a bit, no one will be paying attention to the Oakland A’s, who will probably win the division and maybe even a playoff series. Meanwhile down in SoCal, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim won a huge court victory against the Los Angeles Municipality of Anaheim, and as a result, the team won’t have to change its ridiculous name back to the Anaheim Angels. While nobody outside of the LA sprawl might care about this development, those of us who were blindsided last season when the Dodgers’ and Angels’ three-letter abbreviations on sports websites were changed are still outraged. And while Bengie Molina has left for Toronto, his younger brother Jose is still around. I know all of you Angels fans just breathed a collective sigh of relief. The Mariners, who long back to the days of A-Rod and Griffey, took a step in the right direction during the offseason by signing a catcher who can’t speak English. Good times!

NL East
This is the season that the Braves dominance of the NL East comes to an end, as Edgar Renteria has that effect on a team. 2006 will be remembered as the year of the New York Mets, as they will win 140 games en route to a World Series crown. Pedro Martinez will pitch the first no-hitter in Mets history, only to follow it up with a perfect game in his next start. Finally, Carlos Beltran will rebound from his awful first season in Queens by winning the Triple Crown and breaking Joe DiMaggio’s 56-game hitting streak. Speaking of breaking records, the Marlins will come close to losing the most games ever in a single season, currently held by the 1962 Mets. Pop quiz, Marlins fans—name a starting pitcher on your team other than Dontrelle Willis, and name me one of your outfielders. No need to rush, I’ve got all month.

NL Central
The Cubs stand alone among the cursed franchises, but unfortunately for them, they won’t be breaking any curses this season. In typical fashion, the Houston Astros will be on cruise control for the first month and a half and then realize they have to win every remaining game to make the playoffs. The return of Roger Clemens on May 1 will certainly help, but the team will falter when Rocket insists as part of his new contract that his son Koby become the team’s starting third baseman.

NL West
Let’s get this out of the way first – I hate Barry Bonds. I hope his knees collapse on Opening Day and he never plays another baseball game again. Did you know Barry Bonds eats children? Yeah, it’s quite shocking. In other Giants news, the team once again is hoping that the “Only Having One Position Player Under 30” strategy will pay off again. Oh wait. The Padres have a good young pitcher by the name of Jake Peavy (whom I will be picking in the first round of every one of my fantasy leagues) who might win more than 82 games this year. The Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles tried to recreate the 2003 Boston Red Sox with their offseason moves; let’s see how that turns out.

Playoff Predictions (with bonus World Baseball Classic pick)
WBC: South Africa over the Netherlands
ALDS: A’s over Indians, White Sox over Yankees
ALCS: A’s over White Sox
NLDS: Mets over Padres; Cardinals over Braves
NLCS: Mets over Cardinals
World Series: Mets over A’s, 4-2

Don't Insult Our Intelligence

Joe Buck: Welcome back to the 2004 World Series. Before I take a moment to plug Budweiser for the 45^th time (can you believe they’re paying me to be in their ads?), we’re going to bring on Red Sox manager Terry Francona. Terry, how do you think the team is doing so far?

Francona: Well Joe, I think we’re playing well.

Buck: Thanks Terry, we appreciate your time.

The above may not be an exact transcript of the in-game interviews that were featured during the World Series last week, but it’s close enough to the real thing. When Fox did these interviews during the All-Star Ggame, everyone thought it was a cute gimmick. When there’s something actually on the line, though, the last thing a manager or coach wants to do is talk to the broadcasters.

This is why sideline interviews with football coaches before halftime are completely worthless. There are only two possible responses from a coach in this interview: an empty cliché or an insult directed at the reporter (thank you, Lloyd Carr).

However, it’s not the coach’s fault for uttering sound bites week after week; it’s the television executives that are to blame for not canning these interviews altogether. If I’m a coach and my team is losing going into halftime, I’m thinking about what I’m going to say to the team in the locker room or what changes I’m going to make in the second half. I’m not spending one ounce of my time during the game coming up with a suitable answer to a sideline reporter’s question.

Here’s a wacky proposition: let the coaches coach during the game, and leave the analysis to the analysts.? However, the analysts don’t seem to be up to the task. Rather than doing research before a broadcast, they are content with telling viewers that the key for the (Insert any team here) to win the game is not turning the ball over and establishing the run.

This kind of worthless commentary is breeding a generation of ignorant sports fans. Look at that ESPN Radio commercial where the kids are talking about sports on the playground. What are they saying to each other? Are they discussing the pros and cons of the west cCoast oOffense? No, they’re exchanging clichés with each other such as “Shaq’s the man, but Yao’s really shown me something.”

What happened to the educated sports fan? We have only the sports broadcasters to blame. Instead of providing valuable insight during telecasts, today’s announcers are giving us such gems as “That’s as bad as a home run. A walk or a homer. Same thing.”

Tim McCarver uttered that nugget of wisdom during Game 6 of the ALCS after Keith Foulke surrendered a leadoff walk to Hideki Matsui in the bottom of the ninth. At face value, this comment doesn’t make much sense. Did McCarver back up his claim with evidence, such as the batting average for the next few hitters with runners in scoring position? No, he never referenced it again.

Because the announcers refuse to explain anything, we’re left with Scooter, the loveable animated baseball. Scooter is a very knowledgeable ball, and throughout the baseball postseason, viewers were treated to animations showing what a fastball looks like (It’s when the pitcher throws the ball as hard as he can!). It’s one thing to try to teach young fans about baseball, it’s another thing to insult the intelligence of all the adult viewers. Leave Scooter with the rest of the Saturday morning cartoons and take a more sophisticated approach to sports commentary.

Fox seemed to get this message, adding Al Leiter to the broadcast team for this year’s ALCS. He was able to provide a good compromise between Scooter and McCarver by explaining how to throw different pitches and the mentality of a postseason pitcher without dumbing down his analysis. However, once the World Series started, Fox went back to the two-man team of Buck and McCarver. What, did the viewers complain that Leiter’s insightful comments were distracting them from the game?

Back in the good ‘ole days, baseball announcers took the time to explain the elements and nuances of the game, instead of commenting on a play that happened three batters ago. It’s how my grandfather, who has never played baseball at any level, knows that a knuckleball is thrown with the fingertips, not the knuckles. Thankfully, Al Leiter was there to explain this to the young generation of viewers, but this type of commentary is sadly the exception.

At some point in time, the networks realized that people would continue to watch sports on television no matter what the analysts were saying. So they lowered all expectations for broadcasters, focusing instead of generating ad revenues and plugging new shows. The result is the new breed of American sports fan who spouts clichés and calls into sports radios shows to repeat those clichés.

Until the networks get their act together, it’s up to the fans to take their sports education into their own hands. The Internet can help in this regard, but I shouldn’t have to do outside research if there are perfectly capable people on the air right now that can explain things to me. It would be great if the next time I’m watching the World Series, I won’t have to mute the commentary.

Worst Column Ever

Note: This column is terrible. Feel free to skip it.

Congratulations, Kevin Brown! You’ve got another member in the “I Broke-My-Hand-By-Punching-Something-In-a-Fit-of-Rage-Because-I-Pitched-Horribly Club.”

Yep, now you and Cardinals reliever Julian Tavarez can exchange emails, compare hand splints, and attend anger management support groups together.

For those of you who are too busy paying attention to that other LCS, Tavarez was the pitcher who gave up the game-winning homerun to Carlos Beltran in the seventh inning of game 4. He then proceeded to punch a phone in the Cardinals’ dugout, breaking three bones in his non-pitching hand. To those of us who were watching the game, this turn of events was no surprise, as after Tavarez threw a ball at Jeff Bagwell’s head, he did his best imitation of Pedro Martinez before being issued a warning by the umpire.

As professional athletes, Brown and Taverez should conduct themselves with dignity and humility at all times. Ok, I realize that’s a huge stretch there, so how about they just refrain from punching walls or phones? Or maybe they shouldn’t punch anything? I mean, they make their living with their hands, maybe they should take more precaution.

If I were a major league pitcher, I would walk around with protective plastic shells on my hands on my off days (sort of like what George Constanza did after he got that job as a hand model). Maybe the Yankees and Cardinals can negotiate a contract with Hasbro to coat everything in the clubhouse with Nerf products. I also hear those stress balls are pretty effective.We don’t need to look far to find another humble athlete. Last week, Cincinnati Bengal wide receiver Chad Johnson shipped a bottle of Pepto-Bismol to every member of the Cleveland Browns’ secondary before the two teams’ Week 6 meeting, including this thoughtful note in Browns cornerback Dayton McCutcheon’s package:

Dayton, just wanted to add a little color and relief to your week.

All the best,

Chad. #85

Unfortunately, Johnson forgot to save some Pepto for him and his quarterback, Carson Palmer. Palmer threw for an abysmal 148 yards, while Johnson only caught three passes for 37 yards with four dropped balls. Maybe he should have sent cherry-flavored Pepto, I hear that stuff tastes awful.

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Ok, at this point in the column, I would talk about the Yankees and Red Sox, but the result of Game 6 will render whatever I write irrelevant. Instead, I’m going to cover all bases via a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure. So, if the Yankees won the game, read the next paragraph. If the Red Sox won the game, skip to the second paragraph. Finally, if the game was rained out, skip to the last paragraph.

First paragraph: Last night, the screams of an entire city echoed throughout the Northeast, as the Yankees, whose two losses revived the hopes of Red Sox Nation for another two days, crushed those hopes just as easily by defeating Boston 6-4. Jon Lieber pitched a no-hitter into the seventh ending, while Curt Schilling’s ankle held up for a good inning and a third before he was chased from the game by a homerun off the bat of Miguel Cairo. After a remarkable turnaround following the Nomar trade, the Red Sox could have used Garciaparra last night, as his replacement, Orlando Cabrera, struck out with the bases loaded in the ninth inning to end the game. George Steinbrenner credited the Yankees’ success to the recently purchased cotton uniforms.

Second Paragraph: The streets of Boston were filled with the cries of jubilation, as the Red Sox forced Game 7 by edging out the Yankees 3-2. Curt Schilling redeemed himself after his 18.00 ERA performance in Game 1, shutting up the 55000+ in attendance at Yankee Stadium, allowing just two earned runs in six innings pitched. Up 2-0 in the top of the eighth inning, Yankees skipper Joe Torre made the most questionable move of his coaching career by bringing in left-handed Felix Heredia to face David Ortiz with men on first and second. The Red Sox now have the chance to make history, while George Steinbrenner was last seen jumping into the East River.

Last Paragraph: The game was rained out. Please go back to the beginning of this column and try again tomorrow.

Animals Provide Baseball Knowledge

If there is one thing that is lacking today in America, it's a general knowledge of animals. Conveniently, several baseball teams have animal nicknames, giving us the opportunity to take a look at the 2004 MLB season and learn some new and completely factual information about animals. Here's a breakdown, division by division:

American League

AL East: There is nothing more frightening than a devil ray. These fearsome beasts feed on helpless plankton and have been known to swallow up small fish in a single gulp. This ferociousness is exemplified by the 2004 Tampa Bay Devil Rays and their skipper Lou Piniella. Last season, Piniella resorted to drastic measures to inspire his team to win, proposing that if the D-Rays won three games in a row, then the team could dye his hair. Tampa finally won three in a row by early July, and Lou's hair changed from gray to a radiant blond. Will Piniella make another crazy proposition to his team this season? Hopefully, as it will give us something to talk about other than steroids and the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry.

AL Central: The solitary tiger roams the jungle, snacking on termites but avoiding its rival, the elephant. If there is one team in baseball this season that is most similar to the tiger, it must be the Detroit Tigers. If the season ended today, the Tigers would be in -- that's right, say it with me -- first place. As of yesterday, the Tigers have already won five games. Compare that to last season when it took Detroit over a month to get five wins, and you know the Tigers are the real deal. I mean they'd have to be, right? Why else would Pudge Rodriguez leave the sunny confines of south Florida? For the money? Do you think he's that selfish? I mean, c'mon. This division is the equivalent of the NBA's Atlantic Division, so the Tigers might be able to finish under .500 and still make the playoffs. Take that, 1962 New York Mets!

AL West: The elephant is very stingy. It will not spend money on overvalued players, preferring instead to buy lots and lots of peanuts. It also has an excellent memory. However, when it comes to remembering what team dominates this division, people seem to forget that the Oakland Athletics have made the postseason four straight seasons and that the team's mascot is the elephant (three out of four Sun editors polled failed to make this identification). Sure, they've yet to win a postseason series, but they're getting closer and this could be the year that the A's break through to the World Series. Billy Beane's book, Moneyball: The Art of Winning an Unfair Game, created quite a stir last season (actually, he didn't even write the book, people like Joe Morgan seem to have a hard time remembering this). With the losses of shortstop Miguel Tejada and overrated closer, Keith Foulke, the A's have once again have given up their big-name talent. If Theo Epstein had been paying attention while reading Moneyball, then maybe he would have known that Beane's strategy is to hype and overvalue a closer, and then sell him off for a draft pick.

National League

NL East: The blue marlin is a graceful beast, using its bill to stun fish and then eat them. It is envious of its cousin, the striped marlin, which impales fish and boats alike with its spear. The Florida Marlins are not envious of any fish because they recently received the largest championship rings in baseball history. These eyesores include 229 diamonds and weigh 3.5 ounces. Marlins owner Jeff Loria got a $20,000 per ring price break because he bought so many for the team. Loria spent the offseason meticulously designing these rings, coming up with 100 prototypes. Maybe this is why he was too busy to cough up the extra money to resign Pudge.

NL Central: The cardinal is the idiot of the bird kingdom. If it sees its reflection, it will try to fight itself for hours. The St. Louis Cardinals are not that stupid, signing their superstar, Albert Pujols, to a seven-year, $100 million contract. Other than that, there is nothing more to say about the Cardinals, except that they were completely overshadowed by their division rivals -- the Houston Astros and the Chicago Cubs in the offseason. The over-under for the number of times that phrases Pettitte-Clemens and a Cubs-Red Sox World Series have been mentioned since November is somewhere around five million. It's nauseating. Can't the media come up with something else to talk about in baseball? Well, there's A-Rod going to the Yankees...

NL West: The diamondback rattlesnake is the largest venomous snake in North America, so beware! They are known to eat small mammals, but do enjoy a good steroid injection once in a while. The Arizona Diamondbacks let their ace Curt Schilling sign with the Red Sox, and then proceeded to trade six players (including "Worst Swing in Baseball" nominee Craig Counsell) to the Brewers for Richie Sexson. Will Arizona regret giving up Junior Spivey? Only time will tell. The remaining ace, Randy Johnson, is back from playing dodgeball with Jim Breuer, and should help the D-Backs contend for the division again. But they'd better look out for the Padres. Thanks to the new cavernous Petco Park, the Padres will effectively shut down all the power hitters in this division. Their own players, meanwhile, need some Prozac after their homerun totals will plummet. What season preview column would be complete without some postseason picks? Thanks to my amazing accuracy in my NHL season preview column (I told you the Mighty Ducks were going to win the Stanley Cup), I'm going to try it again.

ALDS:
Oakland over New York, and Boston over Detroit.

ALCS:
Oakland over Boston.

NLDS:
St. Louis over New York, and Philadelphia over Arizona.

NLCS:
Philadelphia over St. Louis.

World Series:
A's over Phillies.