I’m Not Here To Talk About The Past

With all the attention the presidential candidates have been receiving, it’s only natural that their colleagues in Congress who actually have to do their normal jobs would get jealous. It is times like these that our esteemed elected representatives suddenly discover that they can subpoena prominent sports figures and question them about things that Congress really doesn’t care about. While taking a brisk afternoon walk the other day around Capitol Hill, I happened upon a large pile of discarded boxes, which contained transcripts of Roger Clemens’s and Roger Goodell’s recent meetings with Congress. I’ve excerpted the best parts for your amusement.

Congressman John Tierney (D-MA): Good afternoon, Roger. Thank you for coming to Washington. Do you know why you are here today before the Committee?

Roger Clemens: Yeah, I’m receiving a medal, right?

JT: No, we’re here to discuss your alleged illegal drug use.

RC: Oh, right. That whole thing.

JT: We had Brian McNamee in here earlier and he was quite adamant that he injected you dozens of times with HGH and steroids. He even brought in a bag of old syringes and bloody gauze pads from 2000.

RC: Umm, ok? Doesn’t that seem kind of gross?

JT: He also has photographs of old syringes in a beer can that was taken out of the trash in your New York City apartment. Also, he has skin samples and—

RC: Let me just stop you right there. Are you telling me you are going to believe the word of a man who not only kept a bunch of old syringes in his basement for eight years but also fished a discarded syringe-containing beer can out of the garbage can? Does that seem nuts to anyone in here besides me? You give me a day and I’ll get you a photograph of a bloody knife that I happen to have fished out of Brian McNamee’s garbage can 12 years ago. The very same knife that was used to kill Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman!

JT: Mr. Clemens, I don’t think you understand the severity of the situation here. These are some pretty serious allegations. Do you have anything to say in your defense?

RC: Look, I don’t know how busy you guys usually are, but doesn’t this all seem too much? What are you even going to do if I admit to any of this stuff? Put me in jail? I’m Roger Clemens! I won seven Cy Young awards! My kids’ names all start with K!

JT: Well, if you deny that you used these substances and we find out later that you did use them, then we will charge you with perjury.

RC: Oh wow. So basically you guys want me to lie to you now so you can later charge me with lying?

JT: Our constituents care about the integrity of the game. Your actions are—

RC: Your constituents are all vengeful Red Sox fans who mailed me chopped up Roger Clemens action figures when I signed with Toronto. You can tell them I’m sorry I had to leave Boston, but that was 12 years ago and they need to move on with their lives. They should be celebrating the wonderful season the Pats just had.

….

Arlen Specter (R-PA): Thank you Commissioner Goodell for agreeing to meet with me. As you know, my beloved Eagles lost to the Patriots in Super Bowl 39 and with the recent Spygate accusations, we think that you should further investigate whether the Pats illegally videotaped the Eagles.

Roger Goodell: No, I’m not going to do that.

AS: Why not?

RG: Because there is no evidence of illegal taping, not from three years ago or from this year.

AS: Then what did the Pats actually give you when you requested they turn over all of their alleged cheating materials?

RG: Oh that. No, they didn’t give me anything.

AS: Need I remind you that you are under oath?

RG: No, I’m not. We’re sitting at a table in the International Square food court eating Five Guys. You’re wearing a track suit and you’ve got ketchup all over your fingers.

AS: Look, I’m putting you under oath now, so tell me what happened with those tapes.

RG: Those tapes did not contain any footage relating to football. They were rehearsal recordings of Bill Belichick’s new musical.

AS: Bill Belichick wrote a musical?

RG: I’m afraid so. It is the single worst piece of theater I have ever seen. I vomited three times when he invited me to watch the rehearsals in person.

AS: So this whole Spygate thing was a just a cover so you could destroy Belichick’s Broadway aspirations? No wonder he was pissed off this whole season.

RG: That’s right. I had Eric Mangini catch a fake Patriots cameraman so I could seize everything in Belichick’s office – the scripts, the score - everything. Then I burned it all in a garbage can in an alley in Hell’s Kitchen and dumped the ashes in the East River.

AS: So what was the musical actually about?

RG: It was two hours of Belichick alone on stage, singing songs about Tom Brady and Wes Welker while playing the keytar. Then at the end, he dances with a marionette wearing a Charlie Weis mask. It’s really creepy. Unfortunately, this Matt Walsh character in Hawaii might still have a copy of it, so I’m flying out this afternoon so I can break into his house and destroy this thing, once and for all.

AS: On behalf of the citizens of the United States of America, I would like to thank you for ridding the world of this cultural abomination before anyone else had to suffer through it. You are a true patriot.

You Decide 2k8

As the second-most popular sports columnist on campus (I think), I get a fair amount of feedback from various law students and faculty. However, I was surprised with the flood of emails I received over break (over 700), mostly espousing on how important this column was to various students. One emailer wrote in to say that “as a 1L facing a lot of pressure to do well in law school, your column provides me a bi-weekly dose of sanity. Without your hilarious commentary on sports, I probably would have dropped out after three weeks.” Take that, Dr. Phil! Another student commented that “your column is a shining beacon in the morass of terrible sports columns and legal publications. I don’t even care that it’s not related to pressing law school issues. Don’t stop writing!” Worry no longer, dear reader, for this column will press on even in the face of the toughest adversity and academic criticism. We now resume your regularly-scheduled sports commentary.

While I don’t pretend to be a political maven like some of my fellow classmates, I see definite parallels between sports and politics. It takes a special kind of talent to talk for two hours and say absolutely nothing, to ignore a direct question by changing the subject, or to distract from your own shortcomings by insulting your opponent. Last year I touched on this parallel by imagining how the skills of certain coaches would translate over into the political realm. With the election looming, it’s time to take the opposite look at how our presidential candidates would fare in the world of sports.

Barrack Obama: Bringing in Obama as a new coach is like hiring a college coach with no NFL experience to coach an NFL team. Kind of like how Lane Kiffin replaced the horrendous Art Shell as head coach of the Raiders and led to the team to the playoffs. Oh wait. With a knack for soaring rhetoric, Obama would make pregame locker room speeches a must-see event. However, coaching in the NFL is more than just waxing poetically to the media and preparing your team during the week by saying, “hey, I am here.” You actually have to do work, something I don’t think Obama really understands. By Week 3, he would already be trying to line up another coaching gig with a better team.

Hillary Clinton: Clinton is like Cooper Manning (Eli and Peyton’s brother) except she refuses to sit quietly in the press box while her more successful family members win Super Bowls. Not happy with her job at the family passing academy, she yearns for the big stage. Surely all those late nights spent talking with Bill about how to beat the Cover 2 will translate into major success when she strikes out on her own. I am also impressed that she has sought guidance outside of the Clinton inner circle, as she appears to have enlisted Dick Vermeil as her new mentor.

Rudy Giuliani: Giuliani is the hard-nosed tactician who gets the job done, much like Bill Belichick, and like Belichick, you don’t want to cross the Mayor, as you will then be dead to him if you are in fact still alive after crossing him. If you drop a pass because you are afraid of getting knocked to the ground, Giuliani will go on the radio the next week and insult your three-year old daughter. If you are late to a meeting, he will put a skunk in your locker, steal your playbook, and key your car. And, if you try to steal coaches from his staff after leaving to coach a rival team and then rat on him for videotaping your sideline, he will knife you at midfield during the post-game handshake.

Mike Huckabee: Switching over to baseball analogies for a second, Huckabee is Ozzie Guillen reborn as a guy who was once governor of Arkansas. Rejecting time-tested theories (like not sacrifice bunting on every play and evolution), the Huckster would assemble a team that would dominate the league if the homerun were ever abolished. Valuing such abstract skills as “scrappiness” and “grit,” the lineup would be a modern day Murderer’s Row, featuring such sluggers as David Eckstein, Darin Erstad, and Christian Guzman.

Ron Paul: Paul is the coaching candidate that the students love but the old-guard boosters think is a lunatic. He would have some crazy ideas, like lining up three quarterbacks in the backfield and running the statue of liberty play every down, but in real life, these would probably backfire. His proposal to quit the NCAA would initially be met with quizzical looks but his southern charm and refusal to return donations from white supremacists would quickly win over the student body. Paul’s ultimate goal would be to dismantle the university and have the football team exist as its own entity. Now there’s a man who understands the true nature of college sports!

Mr. La Russa Goes to Washington

The world of politics has long been infiltrated by outsiders — Ronald Reagan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Teddy Roosevelt, to name a few. Yes, Teddy Roosevelt is a political outsider. How else do you explain his zero first-place finishes in the President Race this season at RFK? Surely a true Beltway Insider would have been able to bribe his way to at least one win. Sometimes former athletes and coaches find their way into politics, but as the Governator proved a few years ago, any likable celebrity running against a weak opponent will probably win, even if they have zero political experience. With that said, I am hopeful that we will soon see more sports figures running for office. Here are the breakdowns of these potential future races.

Bill Belichick (R-MA) v. Matt Millen (D-MI) This race is not as one-sided as it appears. Everyone already thinks Belichick is a brainiac, but look where that got Al Gore. His platform, however, of fiscal responsibility will resonate strongly with a lot of voters. The Patriots are $20 million under the cap this season, which, if translated to the federal budget, would mean a $400 billion reduction in the federal budget in just one year. That’s quite a platform. Also, Belichick hardly gets any sleep, since he is constantly trying to outthink his opponents. This would be a huge improvement over our current president, who doesn’t even stay up late enough to catch the 10 O’clock news.

Millen, on the other hand, looks like a complete moron compared to Belichick, but is he that bad a candidate? His 21-64 record while president of the Lions is nothing to sneeze at. How many other people could be that abysmal at their job, yet still not get fired? We are looking at one of the most charismatic and dangerous individuals in all the free world. Wouldn’t you rather have this person in the position of President of the United States instead of in some other job where he could do us real harm? I know I would.

Tony La Russa (I-MO) v. Jim Leyland (D-MI) This race is a tough one to call, since both candidates are certified geniuses. Look at La Russa’s track record. He knows how to hit (.199 lifetime batting average), he knows how to win (one World Series title), he knows how to lose (47 playoff loses), he knows how to ignore the glaringly obvious (two of the biggest steroid users ever on his teams), and he is a lawyer (J.D. from Florida State). To date, La Russa has made 18 strategic moves this postseason, and 19 of them have been correct (we’re adding on an extra correct move in anticipation of what is obviously forthcoming). This kind of strategic skill is desperately needed in Washington today, although we do already have a president who’s never made a mistake.

Leyland, on the other hand, has a mustache, and polls show that 87% of voters in red states have mustaches, giving him loads of street cred with Republicans. Also, he is old, which will get him the AARP vote (although, he is apparently the same age as La Russa, yet looks 20 years older. That mustache must be eating up all of his life energy). The important thing about Leyland is that he knows how to teach born losers how to win, something the Democrats obviously don’t know how to do. Under his guidance, the Democrats could win every toss-up state running rookie senatorial candidates and washed-up journeymen with bad tempers who hate cameras.

Phil Jackson (D-CA) v. Larry Brown (I-wherever the winds takes him) Jackson is a born winner. He surrounds himself with talent and uses that talent to win. As President, Jackson would no doubt assemble one of the best cabinets of all time, with MJ as Secretary of State, Shaq as Secretary of Defense, Kobe as Attorney General, and Red Auerbach as Postmaster General. This group, however, would cause a lot of problems for Phil, so he would probably resign, write a book, get named Speaker of the House, and then poison the current President and Vice President’s food at the same state dinner to become President again. The second time, only Kobe would be around in the cabinet, and Phil would probably make him do all the work by naming him Secretary of the entire Executive Branch.

Brown wouldn’t need the glitz and glamour of such a high profile cabinet. He would take the homeless people and hippie protesters out of Lafayette Park and turn them into the greatest Executive Branch in history. Of course, conflict would arise when Brown favors Anti-Nuclear Weapons Hippie over Need Money for Kung Fu Lessons Bum because the hippie went to UNC. After a year or so, Brown would get bored, start talking to Britain about becoming Prime Minister over there, and then get a huge severance payment at taxpayer expense.