Idiots Who Read (and Write to) the New York Times

Given my first attempt to get a letter to the editor published in the NYT failed miserably, I thought I would turn my attention to letters that the Paper of Record considers worthy of being printed. The following letter was printed in response a Times editorial about the recent DC Circuit decision overturning the ban on handguns in the District.

To the Editor:

Residing in the District of Columbia area requires distinct differences in the way we lead our lives: When we enter a federal building, we are asked to step through a metal detector. When driving, we may be asked to take a detour. Even when walking down the street, we may be forced to pause as a diplomat’s motorcade passes an intersection.

Those of us who are required to follow these rules gladly do so each day. The argument that the Second Amendment protects the right of District citizens to keep handguns in their homes ignores other realities and usurps common sense.

I truly hope that the founding fathers did not intend to invite an inherent danger to the capital of their nation.

Matthew Taverna
Arlington, Va., March 14, 2007

Yikes. So many problems in so few words. The main point seems to be that the District is a special place with special rules, so if we have to make allowances in some areas of city life, it is perfectly reasonable to expect people to bow to Congress infringing their Second Amendment rights. Except that these "distinct differences" are present IN EVERY SINGLE CITY!

"When we enter a federal building, we are asked to step through a metal detector."

News flash: there's metal detectors in a lot office buildings these days. Also, there are federal buildings in places other than the District.

"When driving, we may be asked to take a detour."

First, driving in the District is a bad idea in the first place. Second, have you ever driven on any road in any city? There's always detours you have to take for a variety of reasons.

"Even when walking down the street, we may be forced to pause as a diplomat’s motorcade passes an intersection."

There's probably more motorcades in the District than other cities, but you would also be forced to pause as a fire truck or ambulance pass an intersection in any city.

"Those of us who are required to follow these rules gladly do so each day."

Like you have a choice? If you don't follow them, you will either not be able to enter a building or die. I guess avoiding these consequences makes one glad to follow the rule.

"The argument that the Second Amendment protects the right of District citizens to keep handguns in their homes ignores other realities and usurps common sense."

I love it when people make a farcical argument to support something, and then put down the other side by making vague references to a lack of common sense. Hey idiot: your examples have nothing to do with the right to own a handgun! It's the slippery slope fallacy and a pretty poor example of it that. Under your logic, we shouldn't be allowed to own handguns in any city. I guess these "distinct differences" also explain why District residents don't (and shouldn't) have any representation in Congress. Hey, you can't vote because the District is a special place with metal detectors and road detours! It usurps common sense!

"I truly hope that the founding fathers did not intend to invite an inherent danger to the capital of their nation."

I don't think the founding fathers even intended the District to actually be a real city with full-time residents. If we wanted to prevent this "inherent danger" (which exists everywhere else in the country where people own guns), Congress could simply pass a law banning personal handguns within 100 feet of the area surrounding the National Mall. That way members of Congress could feel even safer (even though they already have security, something 75% can't afford and probably needs) and people could protect themselves in their homes.

"Matthew Taverna
Arlington, Va., March 14, 2007"

What? You don't even live in the District (although neither do I)! You're just an asshole across the river who thinks that guns are bad and that your neighbors shouldn't be allowed to have one while you can (you can even carry a handgun in public! Two if you want). Although you will probably never read this, I would just like to say that you, Matthew Taverna, are an idiot with an extreme lack of reasoning skills. I hope your published stupidity one day catches up with you , like when you're over for dinner at a friend's house in the District and an armed robber breaks in and kills you both because your friend couldn't own a handgun.

In conclusion, this letter was completely retarded and my letter criticizing Murray Chass was much more worthy of being published in this respectable newspaper. Good day.

Super Terrific Baseball Season Preview Part 1

Last year I accomplished the remarkable feat of predicting three of the four LCS teams before the season had even started. This clearly indicates that I should be writing more about baseball and that is exactly what you’re going to get this month. I’ll be tackling the American League this week, with an unprecedented team-by-team preview!

AL East

Boston Red Sox: With an extremely busy offseason, the Red Sox brought in several new players to help them relive the magic that was the 2003 season. We’ve all been bored to tears over new Japanese pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka’s secret gyroball pitch, but I am here to tell you that he has no such pitch. What people think is this super secret crazy pitch is actually just a regular fastball coated with Dice-K’s blood (he is descended from a long line of samurais, so his blood has mystical power!)

New York Yankees: After the “Best Lineup Ever” failed to win a playoff series, the Yankees traded Gary Sheffield, but not before taking him behind an alley and beating the crap out of him for several minutes. I’m told this sort of thing happens all the time in New York City; it seemed to happen every 10 seconds on that new show, The Black Donnelleys. Meanwhile, every single female Yankee fan is still hysterical over the team signing Andy Pettitte, and this is sure to be a source of annoyance for anyone who knows one of these women.

Toronto Blue Jays: The Blue Jays didn’t do anything this offseason except sign Frank Thomas, but they balanced out that shrewd signing by also getting former Nationals shortstop Royce Clayton. I will waste no more space on them.

Baltimore Orioles: Last year the Orioles decided to get Kris Benson from the Mets. He proceeded to pitch mediocrely, get divorced, suffer a season-ending injury, and then withdraw his divorce papers. Trying to one-up this prior acquisition, the O’s signed another former Met, Steve Trachsel, who was last seen in China looking for a replacement arm.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays: It seems like each year the Devil Rays are one year from being a good team, and this year is no different, except they are probably two years away at this point.

AL Central

Chicago White Sox: Ozzie Guillen gets way too much credit as a baseball manager and as a person. Apparently he was not happy with his team’s performance last year, so he’s instituting 500 bunting drills during Spring Training to get the team to go back to its roots: purposefully giving up outs to advance runners. Every third batter must attempt a bunt or Ozzie call them a derogatory name and then claim that in his country, the word actually means cactus.

Cleveland Indians: Basically the same team as last year, the Indians will probably make the playoffs. I won’t write anymore on them because the feather in their logo offends me.

Detroit Tigers: After making the World Series last year behind the “brilliant” managing of Jim Leyland (his words, not mine), the Tigers will fall back to earth this season, as Gary Sheffield will provoke a locker room brawl after trying to film Kenny Rogers showering.

Minnesota Twins: I am now realizing that a team-by-team preview might not such have been a good idea, since most of these AL teams did very little in the offseason or are extremely boring. The Twins fit both of these descriptions.

Kansas City Royals: As I commented last year, the Royals are horrible. If I were to pick one word to describe them, I would pick craptacular. I think this accurately describes a team that paid $11 million/year for Gil Meche and whose leading homerun hitter only managed 18. They stink.

AL West

Oakland Athletics: The continued World Series drought of the “Moneyball” squad no doubt gives baseball old-timers a chuckle every now and again. They laugh because they know that if they were any other business and had to back up their views with quantitative statistics, they would have been fired 50 years ago.

Los Angeles Angels: Do they still play that rally monkey video at Angels’ games? I bet that got real annoying four years ago.

Texas Rangers: I am proud to say that I am two phone calls away from possibly being able to relay a message to Rangers’s general manager Jon Daniels. If I was going to, I probably would tell him to stop acquiring players from the Nationals (specifically players named Marlon Byrd).

Seattle Mariners: Unable to win the bidding on Dice-K, the Mariners missed out on having the first ever Japanese pitcher-catcher tandem (including Japan. Most catchers in the Japanese major leagues are Mongolian. True story). Seattle made up for this by convincing themselves that signing Jeff Weaver was a good idea. Sure he had a 2.43 ERA in the playoffs, but that was the playoffs, some place the Mariners won’t be for a long time.

In conclusion, the American League is pretty boring, so I am therefore also concluding that the National League will be 15 times more exciting. Stay tuned for Part 2 in two weeks, which will also feature extremely accurate postseason predictions (World Series not included).

I'm Sorry If I Offended You

The forced apology is one of the greatest traditions in this country today. With so many media outlets, whenever a celebrity, politician, or athlete says or does something offensive, it is bound to be picked up by someone within a day or two. This usually results in the original party backtracking from what they said or did with a varying level of sincerity. Within a week, everyone moves on and usually forgets that anything happened. Rinse, repeat. These “apologies” can hardly be considered sincere, as they are mainly designed to show as little regret as possible. As future lawyers, we need to be able to sift through the morass of b.s. that will be thrown our way, so I will now attempt to decipher some recent sports apologies.

Tim Hardaway hates gay people apparently, as he so eloquently expressed last week on. Given the severity of his remarks, Hardaway was bound to issue a clarifying statement eventually. Let’s take a look:

"As an African-American, I know all too well the negative thoughts and feelings hatred and bigotry cause. I regret and apologize for the statements that I made that have certainly caused the same kinds of feelings and reactions.”

Hardaway attempts to deflect criticism away from him by reminding us that he has also been the target of the same kind of venom that he dished out. This just seems to make his comments even dumber. Next, he apologizes if his statements were thought of as hateful or bigoted. He obviously doesn’t think they are, or else he wouldn’t have weaseled around this issue like that. Continuing to the second part:

"I especially apologize to my fans, friends and family in Miami and Chicago. I am committed to examining my feelings and will recognize, appreciate and respect the differences among people in our society. I regret any embarrassment I have caused the league on the eve of one of their greatest annual events.”

Translation: I will pretend I don’t hate gay people if you all will like me again.

Because of the bluntness of his original statement, I highly doubt that Hardaway is committed to doing anything that he just said he would. If he was, it wouldn’t have taken the negative reaction he received from his comments to convince him that he needed to reexamine his views.

That was a really serious analysis, so let’s move on to some more light-hearted incidents. Carmelo Anthony punched Mardy Collins during a game a couple of months ago and then immediately ran away like a scared chicken. In the aftermath, he issued the following statements:

“Last night's altercation with the Knicks escalated further than it should have. I take full responsibility for my actions in the matter. In the heat of the moment I let my emotions get the best of me. I apologize to the fans, the Denver Nuggets, the NBA, my mother, and my family for the embarrassment I have caused them. I ask you all for your forgiveness.”

In a rarity, Carmelo is actually taking responsibility for what he did, although he tries to blame some of it off on his “emotions,” meaning he couldn’t control himself so it’s not his fault. In the end though, he admits that he embarrassed everyone, instead of the weasel-version (“I’m sorry IF I embarrassed anyone”). Overall, a solid apology.

Chargers linebacker Shawn Merriman was suspended for testing positive to steroids. In addressing his alleged cheating, Merriman claimed:

“I’m not a cheater. I don’t believe in cheating the game. I have no reason to cheat the game. I’m about playing football and I’m a great football player. I’ll continue to go out and show that and prove that. Hopefully over time people will see that I’m a terrific football player and a terrific person; that I don’t condone cheating.”

Umm, ok. Then why did you test positive for steroids? Maybe you took too many vitamin shots out of Miguel Tejada’s locker when you toured Camden Yards in Week 4? I don’t know; I’m not a doctor. Merriman claimed that the positive test result was from a tainted supplement that contained nandrolone, which is a banned anabolic steroid. His lawyer blamed the entire situation on the lack of supplement regulation by the FDA. This is a growing concern in the nutrition industry, and I think we should all keep an eye on what kinds of unmarked white pills in unlabeled bottles we are currently taking.

Finally, for a bit of country flavor, we turn to Michael Waltrip’s fiasco last week before the Daytona 500, when it was discovered that someone added what was most likely rocket fuel to his car.

“I know I am good enough to do it without having any cheating on my car. I don't need it. I can go fast without it. I think we proved that today. This is my fault. You can't be skeptical of Toyota. You have to look straight at me."

Waltrip seems to be saying that he didn’t need to cheat to be good, but he cheated anyway. I can understand his position, because who wouldn’t want to add rocket fuel to their car? It’s rocket fuel! Another explanation for this incident is a little case of corporate espionage. This is the first season Toyota is racing in the Nextel Cup, and I wouldn’t be surprised if a certain American car company who hired a really annoying singer for their commercials sent someone down to Waltrip’s garage with a can of rocket fuel. Think of the scandal!

No I Did Not Copy The Onion

With the Super Bowl is over, this week marks the start of a month of pure sports boredom. Nothing exciting will happen this month in the world of sports and you can quote me on that. Rather than trying to write an excruciatingly boring column on the NBA, college basketball, or the NHL, I thought I would make up some fake issues and then argue about them. This will surely be more entertaining than anything that is actually happening.

Fake Issue 1: Tiki Barber winning the Super Bowl MVP

I thought you had to actually play in the game to receive this award (or at least make it out of the Wild Card), but apparently Tiki has a lot of fans in the media, which I guess he is also a member of now. Now you all know that the MVP usually gets some sort of automobile in addition to a trip to Disney World, and this year’s car was a Cadillac. Basically, we should have seen this coming. Remember those commercials where Tiki is driving in an Escalade in Manhattan and talking about seizing opportunities? While you may have thought that that was just some loaner car for the commercial, in reality it was his Super Bowl MVP trophy.

Fake Issue 2: Whether Peyton Manning should have called a timeout in the fourth quarter to film a MasterCard commercial

I would like to thank the ad wizards that came up with this idea. I was confused for a moment as to why CBS cut away to commercial only to come right back to the game, but when I saw Peyton take off his helmet and look straight into the camera, I knew we were witnessing advertising genius. Sure, the Colts might have needed that extra timeout on that last-second drive that may or may not have happened, but Peyton probably earned a lot more money for that spot than he would have earned under his current back-loaded player contract (Did you know he only earned $2.50 per game this season? No wonder he needed to do all those commercials. He’s probably really looking forward to the 2013 season, when he will receive $4 million per play).

Fake issue 3: Awarding the Triple Crown to Barbaro posthumously

Sure, he was a great horse and a true fighter from what I’ve heard, but this is ridiculous. Is horse racing that desperate to stay in the news that they would desecrate one of the most prestigious awards in all of sports? I’m pretty sure Seattle Slew and Affirmed are giving Barbaro a pretty hard time about this up in Horse Heaven (aka the art cabinet in Ms. Stevenson’s first-grade classroom). While this may be good news for Barbaro’s owners, it is not for Triple Crown Productions, who replaced Visa as the sponsor of the races and now has to fork over the $5 million bonus.

Fake Issue 4: Baseball banning the use of non-traditional statistics

This came as quite a shock to all the “stat nerds” and “computer dorks” on the Internet, but Major League Baseball does not have a reputation for being particularly logical. Apparently the old-time scouts still have a lot of power in baseball circles, and they felt their jobs were being jeopardized by people with calculators. I have to agree with these scouts. Any idiot with a spreadsheet can make statistics, but it takes a true baseball man to know if a player has the heart, drive, soul, and spiritual fortitude to be great. While I will now never be able to realize my life long dream of crunching baseball numbers in a cubicle, I know that somewhere out there is an old man who couldn’t identify a radar gun if he was holding it and who has never watched TV that is accurately and passionately identifying the next great crop of ballplayers. Godspeed.

Fake Issue 5: The NBA pretending to change back to the old ball

After months of complaining, the players finally forced the league to get rid of the new-fangled synthetic basketball and replace it with the good old-fashioned cow hide version. What the players didn’t know was that these “old” balls were actually the synthetic ones fitted with several small pieces of leather. I have to commend the NBA on its fiscal responsibility. Knowing that a shift back to the classic ball would leave thousands of unused basketballs sitting in a warehouse in New Jersey (which can’t be donated to anyone because, let’s face it, these balls are like a book that’s been taken into the bathroom), the league cleverly killed a bunch of cows, processed their hides into small circles, and paid a bunch of sweatshop workers to stitch together the new hybrid basketballs. Players can’t tell the difference because they can still feel the leather’s smooth feel on their hands during the game. This Is just another example of why David Stern would make a great US president.

Fake Issue 6: Whether this column should actually address a serious and important sports topic.
Maybe next time.

Don't trust your $12 to either of these teams in the future

Like many sports fans tonight, I cared little about who won this contest, but needed something to remain interested in the game. For most people, this is accomplished through gambling, and I chose this path. Risking my last $12 in my online gambling account, I went with the over (47.5), hoping that the game would turn into some sort of shootout.

The first half was promising, with the Bears putting up seven points in 16 seconds, the Colts quickly answering, and then the Bears answering right back. By halftime I was only 18 points away from a cool $24. As the Bears continued to show their ineptitude and the Colts continued not to score touchdowns in the red zone, I worried that they would never get to 48. That was before T-Rex Grossman (I don't think anyone's called him that yet, so I'm coining it) threw the first of his two completions to Indianapolis Colts players, resulting in seven points and then excellent field position for the opposition.

Poised to kick the over-reaching field goal, Peyton Manning took a sack, which was followed by a punt. Enter Captain Ineptitude again, who not only failed to move into field goal range but took a huge chunk of time off of the clock by throwing over the middle on every play. The Colts used their final drive to move well into field goal range, getting stopped on fourth down inside the 20. Rather than kick the game-icing field goal (Chicago could still miraculously have scored two touchdowns in a 1:40), the Colts ran it on fourth down, unleashing the wrath of millions of gamblers.

Of course, T-Rex couldn't be bothered to throw for a touchdown at this point, and the score remained 2 points away from me winning an overpriced 30-pack of beer. Blame is of course due to all parties: to the Bears, for scoring an incredibly horrendous three points in three quarters, and to the Colts, for trying to be gracious winners (also for their completely retarded kickoff strategy). I hope Peyton Manning throws up on Space Mountain and Rex Grossman gets syphilis from some bar skank tonight.

Tomorrow is Da Super Bowl Part 2

I earlier tackled how the Indianapolis Colts will win the Super Bowl (they are currently seven point favorites). Now I will analyze why the other team in this contest, Da Bears, will win tomorrow's sporting match.

Why Da Bears Will Win
Much has been said about the Bears' vaunted defense. However, the Bears are only third in points allowed per game. Third! The '85 Bears weren't even ranked defensively because to rank that team would be to admit that it was even slightly possible that a team could be better defensively than them. Anyway, this present incarnation of the Bears defense is pretty good. Like the Colts, they play a Cover 2, except with 11 guys. Their corners have been known to be terrible, which is probably bad considering Indy's receivers are faster and more nimbler than the average cheetah. However, they make up for this deficiency with their anchor on defense, Brian Urlacher. He has the nimbleness of a corner, the strength of an offensive lineman, the speed of a safety, and the mind of a manatee. Combined in one package, he is the single most dangerous man on earth. That alone should tilt the contest in the Bears' favor.

On offense, Rex Grossman continues to prove why he should be mentioned in the same sentence as his grandfather, who was a punter or something. After shattering the mark for more negative stats than extremely easily obtained positive stats in a game, Grossman looks to exorcise his demons and live up to all the hype from four seasons ago, when he threw for 200 yards in 12 seconds against the Lions. The Bears have two good running backs, although they could have had a good running back that they already had and a good player at another position, but they decided to draft another running back. The presence of these two running backs and Grossman's inability to throw the ball to an open receiver dictate that the Bears will probably run it a lot, with Grossman being asked to make a 15-yard completion once a quarter.

Tomorrow is the Super Bowl

I may be a little late to the game in writing about this Super Bowl that is happening tomorrow, but no matter. All of the angles have been talked up to death this week, so I am left with the barest of table scraps. The gauntlet has been thrown, sports media, and I shall conquer this challenge!

Why the Colts Will Win:
Most teams only have one offensive coordinator, but the Colts have two--in their actual offensive coordinator (some old guy) and Peyton Manning, who audibles every play at the line. This is double the offensive capability and is sure to give the Colts an advantage. Two sets of eyes are better than one, right? Even if one of those sets can't think clearly after being driven into the ground on several occasion. The Colts should also benefit from what is known as the "Colts Rule," which means that the referees cannot not call defensive pass interference whenever a Colts receiver fails to catch a deep pass.

On defense, the Colts run what is known as the "Tampa 2," which means they have one lineman and one safety. While that may sound a little unorthodox, since I believe you are allowed 11 players on the field at one time, the two Colts defenders are the two most amazing individuals on the planet: Dwight Freeney and Bob Sanders. Freeney makes opposing linemen dizzy just by looking at them, and when he decides he actually needs to bust out his famous spin move, it's pretty much over. Anyone looking directly at him during this movie will get a seizure and collapse. In the secondary, Bob Sanders is 4'9", but weighs 300 pounds and runs a 4.3 40 (and that was when he was injured). He has the ability to be everywhere on the field at once, thanks to his teleportation ability (like Nightcrawler from the X-Men, except without the blue skin and religious tattoos). The only reason Sanders doesn't sack the quarterback on every play is that he likes to challenge himself. He'll give up a deep completion only to chase down the receiver at the one-yard line, strip the ball, and then return it 99 yards for a touchdown (or zero if he decides just to teleport into the other end zone).

Part II of this amazing Super Bowl preview featuring the Bears will be coming up later today.

One more Barbaro comment...

...before this becomes a full-blown Barbaro blog.

Apparently you can't just extract horse seed and breed a bunch of super-fast (and hopefully stronger ankled) Barbaro Jr's because they would be barred from racing. Clearly then, Barbaro's owners were trying to keep him alive to profit from the stud fees he would most like get. I therefore salute you, former owners of Barbaro - you are what capitalism is all about.


This will be the final horse-related post for the next 5 months, unless zombie Barbaro rises from his grave at Churchill Downs on Easter.

Enemies of Me, BE WARNED

Not one day ago did I wish for the death of Barbaro on this very site and lo-and-behold, he has been euthanized. Let this be a lesson to all of you would dare cross my path: I will proclaim your immediate demise on this site and you will be euthanized within a day (if you were a horse with a broken ankle who had several rounds of major surgery and failed to recover).

Also, I would like to note the complete idiocy of making this news the front page story on msnbc.com, instead the suicide bombing in Israel or the latest news from Iraq. To me that says that the editors at MSNBC think that Barbaro's death is more important than these other stories or that the American people think it's more important. Other than the horse's owner crying for a couple of days before buying a new horse for $3 million , Barbaro's passing will have NO EFFECT on any of our lives ever. Let's try to put things in perspective.

Just die already, you stupid horse

Apparently, Barbaro is still having medical problems. What I don't think his owners realize is that no amount of medical care will save him from death. That is because Barbaro invoked a gambling karma backlash against himself by getting injured in the Preakness. The collective anger of millions of people who bet on him and lost is causing his blood to circulate poorly. There is nothing more veterinary science can do, save pump him for his seed and then "put him down" (aka letting him try to walk normally). Maybe one day Barbaro Jr. will be able to succeed where his father so triumphantly failed, if he isn't killed immediately in a mafia-style payback hit commissioned by horse racing gamblers. Just make sure you don't buy any Barbaro brand glue. It will work for 2 minutes and 10 seconds before breaking its glue polymers in three places.