Don't trust your $12 to either of these teams in the future

Like many sports fans tonight, I cared little about who won this contest, but needed something to remain interested in the game. For most people, this is accomplished through gambling, and I chose this path. Risking my last $12 in my online gambling account, I went with the over (47.5), hoping that the game would turn into some sort of shootout.

The first half was promising, with the Bears putting up seven points in 16 seconds, the Colts quickly answering, and then the Bears answering right back. By halftime I was only 18 points away from a cool $24. As the Bears continued to show their ineptitude and the Colts continued not to score touchdowns in the red zone, I worried that they would never get to 48. That was before T-Rex Grossman (I don't think anyone's called him that yet, so I'm coining it) threw the first of his two completions to Indianapolis Colts players, resulting in seven points and then excellent field position for the opposition.

Poised to kick the over-reaching field goal, Peyton Manning took a sack, which was followed by a punt. Enter Captain Ineptitude again, who not only failed to move into field goal range but took a huge chunk of time off of the clock by throwing over the middle on every play. The Colts used their final drive to move well into field goal range, getting stopped on fourth down inside the 20. Rather than kick the game-icing field goal (Chicago could still miraculously have scored two touchdowns in a 1:40), the Colts ran it on fourth down, unleashing the wrath of millions of gamblers.

Of course, T-Rex couldn't be bothered to throw for a touchdown at this point, and the score remained 2 points away from me winning an overpriced 30-pack of beer. Blame is of course due to all parties: to the Bears, for scoring an incredibly horrendous three points in three quarters, and to the Colts, for trying to be gracious winners (also for their completely retarded kickoff strategy). I hope Peyton Manning throws up on Space Mountain and Rex Grossman gets syphilis from some bar skank tonight.

Tomorrow is Da Super Bowl Part 2

I earlier tackled how the Indianapolis Colts will win the Super Bowl (they are currently seven point favorites). Now I will analyze why the other team in this contest, Da Bears, will win tomorrow's sporting match.

Why Da Bears Will Win
Much has been said about the Bears' vaunted defense. However, the Bears are only third in points allowed per game. Third! The '85 Bears weren't even ranked defensively because to rank that team would be to admit that it was even slightly possible that a team could be better defensively than them. Anyway, this present incarnation of the Bears defense is pretty good. Like the Colts, they play a Cover 2, except with 11 guys. Their corners have been known to be terrible, which is probably bad considering Indy's receivers are faster and more nimbler than the average cheetah. However, they make up for this deficiency with their anchor on defense, Brian Urlacher. He has the nimbleness of a corner, the strength of an offensive lineman, the speed of a safety, and the mind of a manatee. Combined in one package, he is the single most dangerous man on earth. That alone should tilt the contest in the Bears' favor.

On offense, Rex Grossman continues to prove why he should be mentioned in the same sentence as his grandfather, who was a punter or something. After shattering the mark for more negative stats than extremely easily obtained positive stats in a game, Grossman looks to exorcise his demons and live up to all the hype from four seasons ago, when he threw for 200 yards in 12 seconds against the Lions. The Bears have two good running backs, although they could have had a good running back that they already had and a good player at another position, but they decided to draft another running back. The presence of these two running backs and Grossman's inability to throw the ball to an open receiver dictate that the Bears will probably run it a lot, with Grossman being asked to make a 15-yard completion once a quarter.

Tomorrow is the Super Bowl

I may be a little late to the game in writing about this Super Bowl that is happening tomorrow, but no matter. All of the angles have been talked up to death this week, so I am left with the barest of table scraps. The gauntlet has been thrown, sports media, and I shall conquer this challenge!

Why the Colts Will Win:
Most teams only have one offensive coordinator, but the Colts have two--in their actual offensive coordinator (some old guy) and Peyton Manning, who audibles every play at the line. This is double the offensive capability and is sure to give the Colts an advantage. Two sets of eyes are better than one, right? Even if one of those sets can't think clearly after being driven into the ground on several occasion. The Colts should also benefit from what is known as the "Colts Rule," which means that the referees cannot not call defensive pass interference whenever a Colts receiver fails to catch a deep pass.

On defense, the Colts run what is known as the "Tampa 2," which means they have one lineman and one safety. While that may sound a little unorthodox, since I believe you are allowed 11 players on the field at one time, the two Colts defenders are the two most amazing individuals on the planet: Dwight Freeney and Bob Sanders. Freeney makes opposing linemen dizzy just by looking at them, and when he decides he actually needs to bust out his famous spin move, it's pretty much over. Anyone looking directly at him during this movie will get a seizure and collapse. In the secondary, Bob Sanders is 4'9", but weighs 300 pounds and runs a 4.3 40 (and that was when he was injured). He has the ability to be everywhere on the field at once, thanks to his teleportation ability (like Nightcrawler from the X-Men, except without the blue skin and religious tattoos). The only reason Sanders doesn't sack the quarterback on every play is that he likes to challenge himself. He'll give up a deep completion only to chase down the receiver at the one-yard line, strip the ball, and then return it 99 yards for a touchdown (or zero if he decides just to teleport into the other end zone).

Part II of this amazing Super Bowl preview featuring the Bears will be coming up later today.

Outside the Super Bowl Zone

There is an eighth dimension beyond that which is known to the normal football fan. It is a dimension filled with useless chatter, inane commentary, and Sean Salisbury and John Clayton yelling at each other. It is the middle ground between the diehard and casual fan, and it lies between the pit of John Madden’s stomach and Joe Buck’s self-righteousness. This is the dimension of ultimate media hype. It is an area that might be called... the Super Bowl Zone.

By pushing back the Super Bowl another week, the NFL has inevitably created one of the biggest media circuses in all of sports. From now until February 5, you will be bombarded from all sides with commentary, opinions, analysis, and interviews. The following paragraphs, however, will be an escape from that craziness for they have been written before the conference championship games and are therefore immune from the awful effects of the Zone. Being outside the Zone, however, means I do not know who will actually be playing in the Super Bowl, but don’t throw this paper down on the bathroom floor just yet.

Reproduced below are scouting reports previously available only to ESPN Insider members but now available to you, the GW law student, for free. Why are there reports for four teams instead of just the two Super Bowl teams? Because ESPN Insider is so in-depth that they scouted for match-ups that won’t even happen.

Seahawks Scouting Report
Despite playing the easiest schedule in NFL history, the Seahawks have exorcised their demons by making it to their first Super Bowl. With two weeks off, Shaun Alexander should have had plenty of time to recover from his concussion from the Redskins game. While the media hounded him for sitting out the NFC championship game, Alexander has responded with an amazing three days of practice, wowing his offensive line and quarterback. On the defensive side of the ball, rookie linebacker Lota Tatupu spent the last week complaining about not getting Defensive Rookie of the Year honors and looked sluggish against the Panthers, managing only to call out Panthers WR Steve Smith three times.

The Seahawks’s obvious weakness is Shaun Alexander’s lack of toughness. Getting a concussion after being hit for the first time this season against the Redskins was a bad sign, and defenses will be putting 11 men in the box to try to tackle him in the Super Bowl.

Panthers Scouting Report
The Seahawks had trouble containing WR Steve Smith, as he caught 57 catches for 526 yards and 1 TD in the championship game. In the ultimate display of trickery, RB DeShaun Foster- -broken ankle and all--limped onto the field on crutches for the Panthers’ first play. QB Jake Delhomme played - faked to Foster, and the entire defense bit, leaving Smith wide open for a 96- yard TD.

After that, the Panthers got a little uncreative in their play-calling, calling a hitch to Steve Smith for 32 straight plays. They’ll obviously need to mix it up if they expect Smith to repeat his NFC championship game performance, and Coach John Fox has told the media that they also plan on lining up Smith in the backfield.

Defensively, the Panthers’s corners have become a little cocky over the past few weeks thanks to their media recognition, giving the Seahawk receivers a 50-yard cushion on each play. Not impressed by the AFC crop of receivers, Chris Gamble and co. plan on starting each play on the sideline.

Broncos Scouting Report
Jake Plummer is one of the best game-manager quarterbacks in the NFL, which is a polite way of saying his coaches think he stinks. Nevertheless, he has gained the respect of his teammates for his excellent facial hair grooming throughout the season. I really don’t have anything else to add as the rest of the Broncos are quite boring, so I’ll end this report with some old stand-bys: if the Broncos run the ball more than 55 times, they will win the game.

Steelers Scouting Report
Safety Troy Polamalu seemed incredibly affected by the controversial interception call against the Colts. Although he picked off Plummer four times on Sunday, Polamalu dropped to the ground immediately after each and refused to get up for 5 minutes. RB Jerome Bettis was forced by Bill Cowher to carry around a football everywhere for the past week, reminiscent of that classic college football movie “The Program,” starring Halle Berry and James Caan. This tactic seemed to work as Bettis carried the ball (and the one from practice) 3 times for -2 yards and 4 TDs against a puzzled Broncos defensive line.

The Real Meaning of Super Bowl Soundbites

Ah, Media Day! Thanks to the ridiculous two-week interlude between the conference championship games and the Super Bowl, we are stuck with two weeks of meaningless sports talk, over-analysis, and trash talk. All of this culminated yesterday in the fantastically useful Media Day down in Jacksonville. While each team takes an hour to talk to the media, Eagles wide receiver Freddie Mitchell got things started a little early, when, in an interview with Dan Patrick on SportsCenter, he remarked that he couldn't name one member of the Patriots' secondary.

Never mind that the depleted Patriots secondary shut down Peyton Manning and the lethal Colts offense or that Mitchell has a total of 22 catches and only two touchdowns on the year. Let's also neglect the fact that Mitchell's fellow wide receiver Todd Pinkston, who is afraid to catch the ball in traffic. If we set aside these things, then maybe Mitchell's comments are not completely baseless. Oh wait, the Patriots have won two of the past three Super Bowls. Nevermind.

While Mitchell drew the ire of the Patriots earlier in the week, he was relatively silent from the Media Day festivities. Fortunately, another member of the Eagles' receiving corps, Terrell Owens provided some good fodder for reporters. When the Eagles were done being uninformative, it was the Patriots turn to impart some words of wisdom to the press.

Or not.

Here are some of the highlights from Media Day, followed by the necessary translations.

TO: I WILL play on Sunday.

Translation: I don't care if I'm not 100 percent. I'm going to play on Sunday and make sure the entire country is talking about me for another week. I've really enjoyed the debates last week about whether I'd play, and now I'm looking forward to the arguments about whether I'll be effective on Sunday.

TO: The pain is minimal. God has already cleared me. I have the best doctor of all, and he cleared me.

Translation: My foot hurts a lot. I'm hoping to draw some comparisons to Willis Reed if I play hurt on Sunday. Except I'll play longer than him, and if all goes well, I plan on becoming a faith healer in the offseason.

TO: I'm going to be very effective.

Translation: Only throw me the ball if I'm not covered.

TO: If you believe in miracles, wait until Sunday.

Translation: It'll be a miracle if I don't get destroyed by the Patriots defense. I think they're mad about what Freddie said last week. That idiot. Like the Patriots really needed another thing to be mad about.

Donovan McNabb: It's freezing, my nose is running, but I'm having a good time.

Translation: Who the hell thought it was a good idea to have the Super Bowl in Jacksonville? Seriously, we could be playing in Miami or San Diego. Do you know what the temperature is there? It's 70 degrees! I'm going to get eat some Progresso soup -- Chunky, Chunky Soup. Sorry, I meant Campbell's Chunky Soup with real chunks of beef and vegetables. I don't know why I said Progresso.

Jeremiah Trotter: I'm pretty famous but I really want to have a street named after me. I really need a Jeremiah Trotter Lane or something.

Translation: Is someone looking into this? Seriously, I need a street with my name on it.

Rodney Harrison: Regarless if TO plays or not, we are not doing anything special for him.

Translation: I've spent the last four days watching film of TO. After this is over, I'm going to watch more film. Then I'm going to watch it all again. And again. And again.

Rodney Harrison: I call heads or tails and 90 percent of the time I win.

Translation: I'm very good at calling the coin flip. You would think my success rate would be 50 percent, but I've pretty much nailed it down to a science. I watch film of the ref who is going to flip the coin, and I also recreate the stadium conditions using an advanced modeling program.

Willie McGinest: We have one gameplan, that TO will play. We hope he does play.

Translation: We are game-planning for TO, even though Rodney Harrison said we're not. He was just joking. We're totally game-planning for him. Coach Belichick has designed about 400 defensive schemes just to neutralize TO.

Tom Brady: The comparisons to Montana are very flattering ... but I have a long way to go to reach the level of Montana or any of those other great QBs.

Translation: I get goosebumps every time someone compares me to Joe Montana. If we win this game, then I will have surpassed him completely. I mean, look at him now! He's doing commercials for some stupid kid's football toy.

Corey Dillon: Everybody is going to give it 110 percent and leave it all on the field ... it's up to us to go out there and execute.

Translation: I've just finished reading Don Powell's book of sports cliches.