Boys Don’t Cry

By now, you all should have noticed that I am currently leading the EJF March Madness Pool. You might also have noticed that I am also the last-place entry. Yes, that’s right. I will be winning over $400 and getting my $10 donation back, which by my calculation is an infinity percent return on my investment. No, I will not buy you a drink at Bar Review this week, sorry.

I’ve received a number of emails over the past few weeks (mostly from myself) all touching on the same thing – my column’s similarity to that of ESPN.com and SportsPickle.com writer DJ Gallo. Some have accused me of directly copying Gallo, while others have commended me for imitating a columnist other than Bill Simmons. I can assure you all that any similarity between Mr. Gallo and me is pure coincidence. Let me also point out that I have been writing this column for over 20 years, making Gallo a spring chicken compared to me. Anyways, to further prove our differences, this week I’ll be commenting on some of the awful March Madness commercials that are being aired. Wait, what? DJ Gallo already did that last week? Oh. Well fine, I’ll talk about something else.

Did you see the two so-called Players of the Year balling after their teams lost last week in the Sweet Sixteen? I understand the emotion of having your dreams evaporate right before you eyes, but crying on national television? Seriously? To quote a movie that you’re probably already thinking of, “If you start crying after we lose today, I will punch you in the face.”

Sadly, neither J.J. Redick nor Adam Morrison received a punch to the face. This whole episode, however, should send an important message to NBA GMs. Do you really want to draft a guy who can’t stop himself from crying before he gets to the locker room? “Oh, they’re just kids,” you’re saying. BS. Darko Milicic is younger than both Redick and Morrison, and he has never cried. Darko didn’t cry when he was picked second overall in the 2003 NBA Draft. He also didn’t cry when his team won the NBA title in 2004. Finally, he didn’t cry after being traded to Orlando and actually getting to play regular minutes. I hope this settles that argument. I’m not completely heartless, though. In these next two paragraphs, I will try to sympathize with J.J. and Adam.

Redick set numerous scoring records over his Duke career. He has only scored, however, 17 total points over his four-year career by creating his own shot. The past two years, Redick has arguably been the most hated player in the country. Luckily, he has a great outlet to combat the taunts and barbs of the uncivilized ACC fans—his poetry. “I can’t see what my future has in store,” writes J.J., “but I move forth with the strength of a condor.” Well, I CAN see what your future has in store, J.J., and you were right to cry after your pitiful performance against LSU. This year was your last chance to have a meaningful impact on your team and on sports in general. In the NBA, you will not be the focus of any team’s offense. None of your teammates will be willing to set the numerous screens you require to get open. You will come off the bench, maybe hit a few shots, but never again will America have any reason to hate you. So cry your tears, J.J., because you have passed into irrelevancy.

Well, I guess that was a little mean. Let’s see if Morrison is a more sympathetic figure. Earlier in the year, Morrison started drawing comparisons to a young Larry Bird. In response, Bird challenged him to a game of 21 , loser having to shave his mustache. As you can see, Adam still has his ‘stache. Back to reality now, Morrison had a much better final game than Redick, although he did start crying before the game was actually over. This to me shows a lack of what the Spanish call cojones. Now there’s nothing wrong with a man crying, particularly if his leg was just torn off by a rabid wolverine. In this situation, however, crying is just unacceptable. Maybe Mark Few has Morrison try to catch that lob pass at the end instead of Batista, and maybe Morrison makes it to tie the game. But Few is a smart man. He knows that a crying basketball player will never make a shot like that, so Morrison is stuck drawing a defender up court, while someone else gets a chance to be a hero. Hey look, the game’s over. Now you can start crying.

Postscript: Brandon Roy did not cry after Washington fell to Connecticut on Friday night, and I predict that he will be the best player to come out of the 2006 NBA Draft. Patrick Ewing Jr. also did not cry after Georgetown’s loss to Florida, and I expect great things from him as well

Eleventeenth Annual Baseball Season Preview

Baseball season is upon us and while most of you were probably looking for some sort of NCAA March Madness column in this space, too bad. I hate college basketball with a passion. That, or our deadline for this issue was before Spring Break and the bracket isn’t even out yet. With that stipulated, let’s take a look at most of the teams in the league. If your team didn’t make the cut, maybe you should stop following sports.

AL East
After several bienniums of playoff failure, the Yankees looked poised to fall to the bottom of the division now that the Blue Jays have signed both B.J. Ryan and A.J. Burnett! Look out! But seriously, the Yankees are going to miss the playoffs one of these years, and all hell will break loose as the Daily News and the Post compete to see who can run the bigger headline. At the bottom of the division, the much-ignored Devil Rays looked poised for a breakout third-place finish. The only hope for this team is to move to Las Vegas and the AL West. I propose a trade to make this happen: Las Vegas will get the team and Tampa will get the Circus Circus Casino and Hotel. Tampa is probably getting the better end of this, and the city deserves it after putting up with such mediocre baseball for the past 8 years. And who can forget about the Orioles and all their offseason moves? Oh, that’s right – me.

AL Central
Apparently, the White Sox won the World Series last year, but no one seemed to pay attention, and therefore, it didn’t happen. Maybe the Sox will be able to exorcise the Black Sox demons this year with a little bit more excitement. On the other end of the spectrum, the Royals are just awful. If you’re a Royals fan, I feel sorry for you. What do you have to look forward to in the next few years? That Angel Berroa will become the best shortstop ever? That Runelvys Hernandez will get his ERA under 5 this season? Spare yourself and your future children the abuse, and just stop following baseball altogether. In the middle we have the battle of teams with overweight closers. While Bob Wickman of the Indians has the weight advantage at 240 lbs (and is two inches shorter), I give the edge to Todd Jones of the Tigers because he has a better moustache.

AL West
Now that the Moneyball furor has died down a bit, no one will be paying attention to the Oakland A’s, who will probably win the division and maybe even a playoff series. Meanwhile down in SoCal, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim won a huge court victory against the Los Angeles Municipality of Anaheim, and as a result, the team won’t have to change its ridiculous name back to the Anaheim Angels. While nobody outside of the LA sprawl might care about this development, those of us who were blindsided last season when the Dodgers’ and Angels’ three-letter abbreviations on sports websites were changed are still outraged. And while Bengie Molina has left for Toronto, his younger brother Jose is still around. I know all of you Angels fans just breathed a collective sigh of relief. The Mariners, who long back to the days of A-Rod and Griffey, took a step in the right direction during the offseason by signing a catcher who can’t speak English. Good times!

NL East
This is the season that the Braves dominance of the NL East comes to an end, as Edgar Renteria has that effect on a team. 2006 will be remembered as the year of the New York Mets, as they will win 140 games en route to a World Series crown. Pedro Martinez will pitch the first no-hitter in Mets history, only to follow it up with a perfect game in his next start. Finally, Carlos Beltran will rebound from his awful first season in Queens by winning the Triple Crown and breaking Joe DiMaggio’s 56-game hitting streak. Speaking of breaking records, the Marlins will come close to losing the most games ever in a single season, currently held by the 1962 Mets. Pop quiz, Marlins fans—name a starting pitcher on your team other than Dontrelle Willis, and name me one of your outfielders. No need to rush, I’ve got all month.

NL Central
The Cubs stand alone among the cursed franchises, but unfortunately for them, they won’t be breaking any curses this season. In typical fashion, the Houston Astros will be on cruise control for the first month and a half and then realize they have to win every remaining game to make the playoffs. The return of Roger Clemens on May 1 will certainly help, but the team will falter when Rocket insists as part of his new contract that his son Koby become the team’s starting third baseman.

NL West
Let’s get this out of the way first – I hate Barry Bonds. I hope his knees collapse on Opening Day and he never plays another baseball game again. Did you know Barry Bonds eats children? Yeah, it’s quite shocking. In other Giants news, the team once again is hoping that the “Only Having One Position Player Under 30” strategy will pay off again. Oh wait. The Padres have a good young pitcher by the name of Jake Peavy (whom I will be picking in the first round of every one of my fantasy leagues) who might win more than 82 games this year. The Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles tried to recreate the 2003 Boston Red Sox with their offseason moves; let’s see how that turns out.

Playoff Predictions (with bonus World Baseball Classic pick)
WBC: South Africa over the Netherlands
ALDS: A’s over Indians, White Sox over Yankees
ALCS: A’s over White Sox
NLDS: Mets over Padres; Cardinals over Braves
NLCS: Mets over Cardinals
World Series: Mets over A’s, 4-2

Ramblings of a Lazy Sports Writer

Those of you who are dedicated readers of Left-Wing Lock (all 7 of you) might be wondering how I manage to come up with a column topic for each issue. Maybe you think I have an astute awareness of the pressing issues facing the sporting world or maybe I just write about whatever headline is currently on ESPN.com.

Good guesses, but you’re a bit off. You see, being the industrious law student that I am, I don’t have the time to come up with any topics at all. Once I get a topic, I can bang out a column pretty quickly, but the initial idea takes a lot of thought. Rather than take the exorbitant time to do some research on a unique issue, I ask my friend, who we’ll call “AJ,” for some ideas.

This has always worked well in the past, and I see no reason why it shouldn’t continue. When talking with AJ this week, he wasn’t as cogent as he usually is; so, as a result, today’s column will feature several themes that I don’t feel like expounding in a full column. Now that you know my secret, please don’t tell my editors. They might decide that I am just an unnecessary middleman and let AJ write the columns himself.

Crosby v. Ovechkin
All you hockey fans out there no doubt have been following the development of NHL super rookies Sidney Crosby of the Penguins and Alexander Ovechkin of the Capitals. While Ovechkin entered the league in relative anonymity, Crosby was projected as the first overall pick when he was only 15. Has he lived up to the hype? As of the Olympic break, young Crosby has 65 points (28 goals, 37 assists), compared to Ovechkin’s 69 points (36 goals, 33 assists). Not that big a difference, so which player is actually better? Both teams have mediocre records, but Crosby is surrounded by a far greater level of talent. Let’s also not forget that Crosby is living with one of the greatest players of all-time, Mario Lemieux, while Ovechkin is sharing a DuPont loft with a Georgetown 3L. Not exactly an ideal mentoring situation.

From my limited observation of each player, I will give the edge to Ovechkin. Crosby is one of the guys with a “tremendous work effort.” That’s all well and good, but this isn’t high school. Anyone can be a hard worker; it’s quite another thing to have natural talent, and Ovechkin has Crobsy beat in that department. At a recent Caps game, they showed a countdown of Ovechkin’s Top 10 goals. Needless to say, there was a common theme throughout each highlight, and it usually involved Ovechkin skating the length of rink around every other player.

Finally, Ovechkin made the Russian Olympic team, while Crosby failed to make the Canadian squad. Even though Canada is fielding the best team in the history of sports, the fact that an 18-year old with only half a season of professional hockey experience could not make the roster says to me that Crosby is just not that good. Advantage: Ovechkin.

[Paragraph Removed to protect anonymity]

Quail Hunting
So by now, that guy Cheney shot is probably dead. Aside from this whole event showing us that Cheney should not be trusted with a shotgun, let alone President Bush (Political commentary in a sports column? I’m not above such things), I now finally have an excuse to talk about my long-hidden passion: quail hunting.

To me, the only thing lacking in mainstream sports is the opportunity to kill something.

That, and food.

Luckily, the sport of quail hunting combines both into an amazing and delightful experience. Cheney is quite an astute man if he counts quail hunting as one of his hobbies. Any idiot can go hunt rabbits or bears or mountain lions, but it takes real skill to hunt a smallish bird, bred in captivity, and then released into the wild.

Some would call this shooting fish in a barrel; I call it shooting quail in an open field. Potato, potahto. The quail is also the inspiration for the most powerful superhero of all-time, Quailman, who, as we all remember, saved the world countless times from Dr. Klotzenstein, the Rulemeister, and RoboBone.

Winter Games: Prelude to the Summer Olympics

By now, you should be recovered from your post-Super Bowl hangover, which is good, because in just three short days, the Winter Games of the 20th Olympiad will begin in Turin, Italy. Or is it Torino, Italy? Turin? Torino? Turin? Torino? After first hearing that the games were being played in Torino on the stupid Visa commercial with that snowboarder, I investigated further. Apparently, Torino is the Italian name of the city, while Turin is the Americanized name. Good work, Olympic marketers! Now we have half a million people with t-shirts that have the wrong name of the city. I’m going with Turin for the simple reason that if the Games were in Rome, we would not call them the Roma Games. Plus, I’ve already bought several dozen Olympic sweatshirts that say Turin, and I don’t want to throw them away.

Now that that’s settled, let’s take a look at some of the more interesting sports that will be contested over the next two weeks. Unlike the Summer Games, with its overloaded buffet of sporting events like trampoline and rhythmic gymnastics, the sports of the Winter Games fall neatly into only seven categories. After watching the previous world championships from almost every featured sport, I can safely give my expert opinion on what I think will be the most intriguing events to watch from each category.

Biathlon
This sport originated in Norway in the 18th century when northern Norwegian soldiers often had to ski over extremely flat fields and then shoot dead lemmings that had been pinned to trees as training for their war against the southern Norwegians. Oddly enough, the United States has never won a medal in this event, so if you want to be ahead of the game, root for Jay Hakkinen, who is apparently the best American biathlete despite his 13th-place finish in Salt Lake City. When Jimmy Roberts does a sappy profile on him after he finishes ninth, you can turn to your friends and say, “Hey, I knew about that guy two weeks ago!”

Bobsleigh
Bobsleigh and skeleton make up the two events in this category. Bobsleigh, as we all know, was invented on the island of Jamaica by four colorful Jamaicans and John Candy back in 1988. Since then, the less-tropical nations have caught on, leaving the Jamaicans in the dust for the past 18 years. Skeleton made its resurgence in 2002 after a 54-year absence from the games. This event is similar to the luge, except riders go down the course face first, which makes for a much less exciting race. Jim Shea Jr. captured the nation’s heart in Salt Lake City by becoming the first third-generation Olympic athlete, winning the gold medal by 0.05 seconds. Unfortunately, there are only second-generation Olympians in the skeleton event this year, so no one will be paying attention.

Curling
This sport apparently originated in Scotland, although many Canadians claim that their country invented the sport as an alternative for those children who sucked at hockey. Teams of four attempt to place stones on a target, using brooms and chimney sweeps to slow or quicken the pace of the stone. There is also a lot of strategy involved, as stones can be used to block later stones thrown by the other team. After watching the sport back in 2002, my friend claimed that he could make the Olympic team after only playing the sport for a week. We all laughed back then, but he’s the one laughing now, as he just earned a spot on the US team over the weekend.

Ice Hockey
Canada’s other pastime, ice hockey, also originated in the British Isles. While the Brits would love to relive their glory days of the 19th Century, sadly they didn’t qualify for Turin. The match that’s on everyone’s mind is the grudge match between the US and Kazakhstan on February 16, when the Kazakh team will try to prove its country is famous for something other than hilarious television reporters. The Canadians look like the favorite here, but don’t be surprised if a feisty US team sneaks its way into the semifinals. Do I smell “Miracle on Ice 2”? YES!

Luge
Luge is the French word for sled. Why it deserves its own classification on the official Olympic website is beyond me. Invented by Vikings as a way of weeding out the stupid ones (no sane Viking would ever agree to ride on a sled), the first international luge race was won by an Australian. An auspicious beginning for a sport that has captured the imaginations of dozens. For some reason, someone thought it would be a good idea to have a doubles event for this sport. This event has the distinction of being the only mixed sport in the Olympics (except mixed doubles, if that’s actually an Olympic sport). Men and women, however, have traditionally not ridden together on the same team. Hello, Martha Burk, do I sense a lawsuit?

Skating
Women’s figure skating is probably the premier event of the Games. In the past 12 years, we have been treated to some amazing storylines. First, we had little Tonya Harding (back before her Celebrity Boxing days) trying to put the kibosh on Nancy Kerrigan’s knee but to no avail. Then, we had little Tara Lipinski steal the gold out from under 18-year old Michelle Kwan’s nose. Next, we had little Sarah Hughes steal the gold out from under 22-year old Michelle Kwan’s nose. You all see what I’m building to, right? Will this be the year that Kimmie Meissner finally breaks through and wins the gold medal? Only Dick Button knows for sure.

Skiing
Last, and certainly least, we have skiing. With six disciplines (including snowboarding, which oddly enough is competed on skis), skiing has something for everyone. Not to be outdone by the geniuses who came up with the biathlon, the southern Norwegians decided to combine ski jumping and cross-country skiing into the Nordic Combined event. Evidently, southern Norway was unprepared for the invasion by the biathlon trained northern Norwegians in the Battle of Nesjar, so they decided to perfect a new training regimen by jumping off of cliffs and then (for those that survived) skiing over the extremely flat terrain for many miles.

Outside the Super Bowl Zone

There is an eighth dimension beyond that which is known to the normal football fan. It is a dimension filled with useless chatter, inane commentary, and Sean Salisbury and John Clayton yelling at each other. It is the middle ground between the diehard and casual fan, and it lies between the pit of John Madden’s stomach and Joe Buck’s self-righteousness. This is the dimension of ultimate media hype. It is an area that might be called... the Super Bowl Zone.

By pushing back the Super Bowl another week, the NFL has inevitably created one of the biggest media circuses in all of sports. From now until February 5, you will be bombarded from all sides with commentary, opinions, analysis, and interviews. The following paragraphs, however, will be an escape from that craziness for they have been written before the conference championship games and are therefore immune from the awful effects of the Zone. Being outside the Zone, however, means I do not know who will actually be playing in the Super Bowl, but don’t throw this paper down on the bathroom floor just yet.

Reproduced below are scouting reports previously available only to ESPN Insider members but now available to you, the GW law student, for free. Why are there reports for four teams instead of just the two Super Bowl teams? Because ESPN Insider is so in-depth that they scouted for match-ups that won’t even happen.

Seahawks Scouting Report
Despite playing the easiest schedule in NFL history, the Seahawks have exorcised their demons by making it to their first Super Bowl. With two weeks off, Shaun Alexander should have had plenty of time to recover from his concussion from the Redskins game. While the media hounded him for sitting out the NFC championship game, Alexander has responded with an amazing three days of practice, wowing his offensive line and quarterback. On the defensive side of the ball, rookie linebacker Lota Tatupu spent the last week complaining about not getting Defensive Rookie of the Year honors and looked sluggish against the Panthers, managing only to call out Panthers WR Steve Smith three times.

The Seahawks’s obvious weakness is Shaun Alexander’s lack of toughness. Getting a concussion after being hit for the first time this season against the Redskins was a bad sign, and defenses will be putting 11 men in the box to try to tackle him in the Super Bowl.

Panthers Scouting Report
The Seahawks had trouble containing WR Steve Smith, as he caught 57 catches for 526 yards and 1 TD in the championship game. In the ultimate display of trickery, RB DeShaun Foster- -broken ankle and all--limped onto the field on crutches for the Panthers’ first play. QB Jake Delhomme played - faked to Foster, and the entire defense bit, leaving Smith wide open for a 96- yard TD.

After that, the Panthers got a little uncreative in their play-calling, calling a hitch to Steve Smith for 32 straight plays. They’ll obviously need to mix it up if they expect Smith to repeat his NFC championship game performance, and Coach John Fox has told the media that they also plan on lining up Smith in the backfield.

Defensively, the Panthers’s corners have become a little cocky over the past few weeks thanks to their media recognition, giving the Seahawk receivers a 50-yard cushion on each play. Not impressed by the AFC crop of receivers, Chris Gamble and co. plan on starting each play on the sideline.

Broncos Scouting Report
Jake Plummer is one of the best game-manager quarterbacks in the NFL, which is a polite way of saying his coaches think he stinks. Nevertheless, he has gained the respect of his teammates for his excellent facial hair grooming throughout the season. I really don’t have anything else to add as the rest of the Broncos are quite boring, so I’ll end this report with some old stand-bys: if the Broncos run the ball more than 55 times, they will win the game.

Steelers Scouting Report
Safety Troy Polamalu seemed incredibly affected by the controversial interception call against the Colts. Although he picked off Plummer four times on Sunday, Polamalu dropped to the ground immediately after each and refused to get up for 5 minutes. RB Jerome Bettis was forced by Bill Cowher to carry around a football everywhere for the past week, reminiscent of that classic college football movie “The Program,” starring Halle Berry and James Caan. This tactic seemed to work as Bettis carried the ball (and the one from practice) 3 times for -2 yards and 4 TDs against a puzzled Broncos defensive line.

The Internal Dilemmas of a Football Fan

Watching football these days isn’t a simple matter like it used to be. In the beginning, you just rooted for your hometown team. Then, sports gambling was invented, leading to the invention of spreads and that movie with Al Pacino and Matthew McConaughey. Finally, fantasy football arrived, which gave the sports networks a reason to post individual player stats on the Bottom Line. Instead of merely watching the game to root for your team, you can have a larger vested interest. Without gambling or fantasy sports, would there be a reason to watch the travesty that is the Houston Texans?

Watching a game with fantasy implications can be a little frustrating. You’re not rooting for any particular team, just your own player. Some common annoyances suffered by the fantasy fan are when your wide receiver gets tackled at the one-yard line, when the backup running back gets the goal-line carries, or when the quarterback runs the TD himself instead of throwing it to your tight end. You can get equally frustrated watching a game you bet on when the other team scores a meaningless touchdown to cover the spread.

Being a hometown fan, fantasy fan, or gambler is hard enough to do each week. What happens if you try to wear more than one hat? This sounds like a smart idea at first, because there are only so many hours of football on each week (around 1342 maybe?), so why not try to maximize your viewing experience? However, you also open the door to extreme mental anguish. Luckily for you, I have spent many hours contemplating these situations, and I present to you my analysis.

Hometown Fan and Fantasy Fan:
This is the most common sports conflict today. How do you root for your team when their success will be detrimental to your fantasy squad? The simple approach is to concede one team’s defeat. This is relatively easy to do when: a) your hometown team is awful and out of playoff contention, or b) your fantasy game is already lost for the week.

The dilemma comes in when you need your player to perform and your team needs to win the game. On the one hand, you obviously want your hometown team to win, but on the other hand, you don’t want to concede defeat in your fantasy league. This is where creative cheering is useful. Let’s say you have a wide receiver on the opposing team. You can cheer for only him to score or get yardage, and when the running back gets the goal-line touchdown, you now have two reasons to be angry. If your player does score, it’s a win-lose situation, instead of The Internal Dilemmas of a Football Fan a lose-lose.

Another common situation is when you have players from your hometown team on your fantasy team. If your team does well, you hope that your player is the one responsible as then you’ll get to reap the fantasy benefits also. However, if he has a terrible game but the team still wins, then your enjoyment of the win is lessened. There’s clearly no bright-line rule to follow in this situation, so you’ll just have to wing it week to week.

Hometown Fan and Gambler:
As a general rule, you should not bet against your own team straight up. Simple as that. Betting against the spread is obviously a different matter. If you don’t think your team is going to cover, you shouldn’t rule out betting against them out of hometown loyalty. By doing this however, you open yourself up to the problems discussed earlier. If your team is giving a ton of points, betting against them means you’re rooting for a close game, which could come back to haunt you should the other team pull out the win. If your team should prevail and the other team covers, that’s an obvious win-win for you.

Fantasy Fan and Gambler:
This is an interesting predicament to be in and one I wouldn’t recommend. You open yourself up to all sorts of problems when you bet against the team which has some of your fantasy guys on it. If you bet for the team with your fantasy players, you effectively hedge your bets (winning $10 now as opposed to $100 at the end of the fantasy season).

If you really want to give yourself a headache while you watch, try the following: bet on the team with two of your fantasy players that’s playing the team with a fantasy player on your opponent’s team. Just for kicks, let’s say you are down 8 points in your fantasy league and this game happens to be the Monday-night game. To further spice it up, the opposing fantasy player is the kicker. Is there anyway you can win your bet and your fantasy game in this situation? If you’re taking the points, you need your fantasy guys to score all their team’s points to improve your odds. Then, if other team has a functional offense, you need them to only score touchdowns. If all those things happen and the team you bet on doesn’t end up winning because of special team or defensive touchdowns, then you will have pulled off a remarkable feat, one which will awe your friends for about five seconds.

Hometown Fan, Fantasy Fan, and Gambler:
If anyone wants to attempt this, please proceed at your own risk.

Wanted: Owner, Home, Some Offense

Changes Coming for Nationals Baseball

The media darling of the first half of the 2005 baseball season, the Nationals currently remain orphaned, as the team is still without an owner in its first offseason in Washington. The Nationals have been owned by the league since 2002, when former owner Jeffrey Loria sold the team to the league and then turned around and bought the Marlins. After designing the most expensive World Series rings ever, Loria then threatened to move his new team unless he got a new stadium.

Speaking of new stadiums, the Nationals are also due one of those. When the league finalized plans to move the team to DC last December, the city agreed to finance a $440 million new 41,000-seat stadium (the estimated price tag is now up to $535 million). This new park would supposedly be open by 2008 and be located on the Anacostia River, a block from the Navy Yard metro stop. Last Thursday, the league and the city met to hammer out the final lease agreement for the stadium, which is the last thing that needs to be finished before the new ownership group is selected.

There are currently eight finalists in the ownership pageant. The frontrunner appears to be a group headlined by venture capitalist Frederic Malek and also includes former Secretary of State Colin Powell. Malek was part-owner of the Bush-owned Texas Rangers and also managed Bush Sr.’s extremely successful reelection campaign. You, however, might have a much closer tie to one of the other prominent ownership groups in contention. In fact, you might be reading this column sitting in a building that bears his name.

Ted Lerner, who earned an LLB from the Law School and has several buildings that bear his name on campus, is also in the running. A self-made real estate mogul, Lerner has tried and failed for thirty years to buy a Major League Baseball team (he also was outbid by Mr. Synder for the Redskins in 1999). Lerner’s ownership group consists of only one person outside his family – Fox Sports broadcaster James Brown. A Lerner-owned Washington Nationals would certainly be beneficial to students – one of you could network your way into becoming the new, youngest GM in baseball.

The team’s current GM, Jim Bowden, was himself a former youngest GM in baseball when he became the Reds’ GM at the age of 31 in 1992. He is responsible for the highly successful Ken Griffrey Jr. trade and was also the baseball analyst for ESPN’s Cold Pizza before coming to Washington. Bowden also compared a potential MLB strike to 9/11 in 2002. Yikes!

Bowden’s success with the Nats has been so-so. Working with one of the lowest payrolls in baseball, Bowden assembled a team that was in first place heading into the All-Star break. The Nats then hit a brick wall and finished last in the NL East for the second-straight year. While the team excelled in close games at the beginning of the year, the team’s abysmal offense could not keep the wins coming in the second half (in fact, the Nationals finished dead last in every major batting statistic, a pretty remarkable feat if you think about it). $4.2 million of the team’s $48 million payroll went to shortstop Cristian Guzman, who was one of the absolute worst offensive players in the league, putting up what was arguably the worst offensive season for a regular in the history of Major League Baseball. Another $3 million went to 3B Vinny Castilla, who was just shipped out of town last week for Padres pitcher Brian Lawrence.

Bowden’s contract was only extended through April, leading Washington Post columnist Tony Kornheiser to suggest Theo Epstein as the team’s next GM. With the league expected to announce the new ownership group sometime in the next two weeks (maybe by the time you read this column), the Nationals can finally settle into their new home. With a new owner, stadium, and GM, the Nationals can work on building a quality franchise in the District. One suggestion for the new owners though: no ushers in the new stadium. Thanks.

Retooling the Worldwide Leader

For two days last week, the sports media had almost everybody across the country convinced that the St. Louis Cardinals were going to the World Series. After Albert Pujols crushed a Brad Lidge hanging slider in Game 5, the Cardinals were suddenly rejuvenated and would easily take the next two games at home en route to a second straight Series appearance. Game 6 came and went, and surprisingly, there was no Game 7 the following night, which left everyone scratching their collective heads.

How dare the Astros spit in the face of the sports media who had so caustically written them off days earlier! Don’t they know about momentum? You can’t stop momentum— it is the single most powerful force in all of sports. Once a team gets momentum, forget about it, it’s over.

There’s an obvious flaw in this little theory–if one team suddenly gets momentum, it must be at the expense of the other team. But if momentum is so damn great, how did the other team lose it in the first place? The Astros didn’t buy into this momentum hype and proceeded to blow up Busch Stadium a few weeks earlier than scheduled. I would daresay momentum might be just a tad overrated. Didn’t the Yankees have momentum in the ’04 ALCS? Up three games to none after clobbering the Sox in Game 3, the Yankees had about as much momentum as you can get. Despite this, they completely choked and the Sox triumphed.

So there goes that theory, if it even could be called one to begin with. The overall lesson here is that today’s sports media likes to attach a lot of value to vague romantic premises that can’t be proven one way or the other.

We could argue for hours about whether momentum means anything and still not come out any better than when we started. There’s not anything wrong with that, but it’s an argument that’s more appropriate for two friends watching the game to be having – it shouldn’t be the focus of SportsCenter’s analysis of the game.

This sort of oversimplification of sports will only have a negative effect on the intelligence of future sports fans. It’s a byproduct of the highlight culture–we want everything processed into 10-second sound bites and matched up with a witty catchphrase. Unfortunately, the highlight loses its appeal when that’s the only thing you’re watching.

There needs to be a better balance between the 10-second highlight and the in-depth analysis show. ESPN tries to accomplish this with specialized shows like Baseball Tonight and NFL Live, but these are often aired at inconvenient times (early afternoon and after midnight). ESPN.com offers scores of articles with its Insider service, but it will set you back $7/month. Maybe the solution is, dare I say it, another ESPN network?

Looking at the current programming across the Worldwide Leader, it’s pretty clear that there’s a lot of deadweight programming being aired. Pool, fly fishing, timber sports, cheerleading, stock-car racing–these niche sports should be moved off of ESPN2 and onto another channel (maybe ESPN could trade the rights to these sports to OLN for the NHL rights). That should free up some space on ESPN2. ESPNEWS is somewhat unnecessary with the amount of information available on the Internet. I don’t think we really need to see the press conference announcing the new NBA dress code.

And while I’m sure many people are clamoring for the second season of “Tilt,” that timeslot could be put to much better use (although I was sad to see “Playmakers” cancelled). We could also do without those sappy profiles on SportsCenter; they don’t really do anything except stir up people’s emotions and give Tom Rinaldi a job.

Instead, ESPN should air more strategy based shows, like EA SPORTS NFL Matchup. This program showcases football strategy and plays using the latest Madden game and could easily be ported to the other sports. What are the odds that this will happen? Probably slim, given that the ESPN brass has currently slotted NFL Matchup into the prestigious Friday night and early Saturday morning time slots.

So while you’re waiting for ESPN to do a massive content reorganization, try to spend less time watching highlights and more time watching entire games. The top-10 play is much more meaningful when you’ve experienced it in the context of the actual game. If we continue down this path any longer, we’ll reach a level of sports intelligence equal to the typical sports radio show caller.

The NHLPA’s Failed Bluff

Bluffing is an extremely important element to the game of poker. By representing that you have a better hand than you actually do, you may be able to take down a much bigger pot than your cards should actually win you. In order to bluff successfully, you must convince the other players that you have pocket aces, instead of the unsuited 7-2 you were actually dealt. Bluffing, however, is not limited to card games, and recent labor disputes in professional sports have taught that it is often not without risk.

Every year, some NFL players threaten to skip training camp if they do not receive a better contract. Sometimes this strategy works and other times, like this year, the owners call the players’ bluffs, and they are forced grudgingly to report to camp. Terrell Owen’s attempt in August to renegotiate a new contract, while generating an inordinate amount of media attention, ultimately failed to get him a new deal.

Another group tried a similar tactic in the past year but ended up losing on a much larger scale – the NHL Players Association. Trying to negotiate a favorable new labor agreement, the players’ union instead lost the entire season and gained almost no concessions when the new collective bargaining agreement was finally reached.

After negotiations stalled between the owners and the NHLPA last fall, the owners instituted a lockout on September 15. The main point of contention between the two sides was the owners’ insistence on a salary cap linked to team revenues. The players strenuously objected to the cap, initially proposing a 5 percent salary rollback and a luxury tax, which the owners quickly rejected.

Negotiations stalled as game after game was canceled. Finally, in mid-February, with only hours to go before the season would be officially canceled, the players’ union made a major concession – it agreed to a $49 million cap per team, which was $6.5 million higher than the cap offered by the owners. When the two sides refused to meet in the middle, commissioner Gary Bettman cancelled the rest of the season on February 15, making the NHL the first major sports league in North America to lose an entire season over a labor dispute.

While an extremely- shortened season wouldn’t have been practical anyway, the union and the owners needed to quickly resolve their dispute and agree to a new CBA before another season was wiped out. On July 13, nearly 10 months after the lockout began, the two sides finally agreed to a new labor deal. Looking at the terms of the deal, only one conclusion can be drawn – the players got fleeced.

First, the salary cap. Instead of the $42.5 million cap that the owners initially offered back in February, the new cap will be between $37 and $39.5 million and is linked to league revenues. Of course, the cap can increase or decrease from season to season if the revenues increase or decrease.

Second, there will be a 24 percent rollback of existing contracts. Now, here’s where the players start looking like fools. The union originally offered the rollback as an alternative to the salary cap; they never intended both things to happen. So not only are the players stuck with a salary cap, which they originally said they would never agree to, their existing salaries will also be considerably reduced. Maybe next time, the union will remember to take a condition off the table.

Third, a player can make no more than 20 percent of the salary cap, so say good-bye to $10 million plus salaries. The salary of the league’s best players will max out at $7.9 million, which isn’t so bad until you compare it to the monstrous salaries that are being paid to NBA deadweights like Allan Houston, Penny Hardaway, and Keith Van Horn. (You know what other NBA player is making more than the NHL max? Maurice Taylor, who clocked in with a salary of $8.45 million last season. Does anyone even know who this guy is?)

In addition to these three major wins for the owners, entry-level salaries also were rolled back and bonuses were limited. The only minor concessions the players gained were a salary floor, an increase in the minimum player salary, and the lowering of the unrestricted free agency age. Were these gains really worth the loss of the entire season? Few would say yes.

With the return of the NHL last week, the players, owners, and fans can start to put this sorry mess behind them. The sport has a long way to go to recover its standing among the three other major sports leagues. The institution of new rules will hopefully make the game more exciting and watchable to the casual fan. More importantly however, both sides need to take away a valuable lesson from the past year – when the new CBA expires in six years, bluffing may only lead to hockey’s quick exit from the American sports scene.

Scalping Sunday Ticket

Football season can be a confusing time for those fans away from their home market. The lazy Sunday you used to enjoy is now gone. Instead of being greeted by your team when you roll out of bed at noon and turn on the TV, you are greeted with the horror that is Baltimore v. Tennessee (no offense, Ravens or Titans fans). Of course, the NFL has provided a solution for its displaced fans for many years in the form of the Sunday Ticket package. For $280, DirecTV subscribers get (almost) every game live every week.

But there’s a catch. Unlike the other full season sports packages, NFL Sunday Ticket is only available on DirecTV. With a customer base of 13.5 million subscribers, DirecTV pal es in comparison to the approximately 90 million cable subscribers in the country. This means that a large portion of the television-viewing population cannot get the Sunday Ticket package. Even worse news, don’t expect Sunday Ticket to be available on cable anytime soon. Last year, DirecTV renewed its exclusive Sunday Ticket agreement with the NFL through 2010. The Rupert Murdoch- controlled company will now pay $700 million annually for the rights, while in contrast, CBS and Fox pay $622 and $715 million, respectively, for their games. While cable would have loved to get in on the action, DirecTV’s bid went above and beyond what any of the cable companies were willing to pay.

If this exclusivity deal seems a little monopolistic to you, you’d be right. In fact, one particularly litigious DirecTV customer brought a lawsuit against the NFL in 1998. In Shaw v. Dallas Cowboys, the plaintiff argued that the NFL’s joint agreement with DirecTV was a violation of Section 1 of the Sherman Act. The NFL countered with the argument that the selling of the rights was exempt from antitrust law under the Sports Broadcasting Act, which grants an antitrust exemption to “sponsored telecasts.” Sponsored telecasts refer to broadcasts financed by advertising, which is the category the regular broadcast games fall under. The NFL argued that the games available through DirecTV also fell under the exemption; however, the district court ruled that to apply the exemption to the Sunday Ticket games would effectively make the exception into the rule (this was later affirmed by the Third Circuit).

The suit evolved into a class action encompassing all Sunday Ticket subscribers. The parties eventually settled, with the plaintiffs getting a share of $7.3 million, discounts on NFL merchandise, and the opportunity to buy access to Sunday Ticket on a weekly basis. This initial agreement, however, was rejected by the district court because it was too favorable to the league (the NFL could rescind the weekly Sunday Ticket option after one season), and the attorneys’ fees were too high for the amount the plaintiffs actually received in the settlement (the attorneys got $3.7 million in fees while the 1.8 million members of the class had to split the settlement). The agreement was revised to increase the settlement pool by $1 million and also forced the NFL to offer the weekly Sunday Ticket package up until 2004.

So where does that leave you, the diehard football fan? Pretty much back where you started. For the immediate future, Sunday Ticket will still be in the firm grasp of DirecTV, but there are several possibilities for opening up Sunday Ticket access to the masses. While the simplest solution would be for the NFL to let cable companies offer Sunday Ticket, this could end up hurting cable customers in the long run. With Sunday Ticket available on cable, there would be a mass exodus from DirecTV, which could severely affect the ability of DirecTV to compete with cable. With less competition, cable companies would resort to their old monopolistic ways. This scenario is unlikely, as the NFL would not want to give up a single huge payment for several smaller payments. The NFL is also against the widespread offering of the Sunday Ticket package because it feels it would hurt ratings for the local broadcast games. So, any possible solution would have to balance the concerns of the NFL over local ratings, the necessity of maintaining a legitimate cable competitor, and the needs of the consumer.

Fortunately, a solution that satisfies all three of these concerns is already being utilized by another sport—baseball, with its MLB.TV service. MLB.TV, which, as of last year, already has a subscriber base of 850,000, provides streaming video of live baseball games to out-of-market fans, and this model easily could be adapted for the NFL. Instead of offering access to every game for every team, pricing instead could be on a per-team basis. This would prevent a decrease in local ratings and also insure that DirecTV’s subscriber base remains stable. Watching football is more of a social event than watching baseball, so many fans would prefer to watch the game on a regular television than on a computer. Still, by allowing broadcasting games online, the NFL would be able to give fans who don’t or can’t get DirecTV another viable viewing option.

For now, though, you’ll have to be content with heading out to your local sports bar to get your football fix. And maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Despite the overpriced food and drink, there’s nothing quite like taking in a game surrounded by tons of rabid football fans. Just try not to get into an argument with the guy wearing the Joey Harrington jersey sitting at the table next to you; he’s suffered enough.