Mr. La Russa Goes to Washington

The world of politics has long been infiltrated by outsiders — Ronald Reagan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Teddy Roosevelt, to name a few. Yes, Teddy Roosevelt is a political outsider. How else do you explain his zero first-place finishes in the President Race this season at RFK? Surely a true Beltway Insider would have been able to bribe his way to at least one win. Sometimes former athletes and coaches find their way into politics, but as the Governator proved a few years ago, any likable celebrity running against a weak opponent will probably win, even if they have zero political experience. With that said, I am hopeful that we will soon see more sports figures running for office. Here are the breakdowns of these potential future races.

Bill Belichick (R-MA) v. Matt Millen (D-MI) This race is not as one-sided as it appears. Everyone already thinks Belichick is a brainiac, but look where that got Al Gore. His platform, however, of fiscal responsibility will resonate strongly with a lot of voters. The Patriots are $20 million under the cap this season, which, if translated to the federal budget, would mean a $400 billion reduction in the federal budget in just one year. That’s quite a platform. Also, Belichick hardly gets any sleep, since he is constantly trying to outthink his opponents. This would be a huge improvement over our current president, who doesn’t even stay up late enough to catch the 10 O’clock news.

Millen, on the other hand, looks like a complete moron compared to Belichick, but is he that bad a candidate? His 21-64 record while president of the Lions is nothing to sneeze at. How many other people could be that abysmal at their job, yet still not get fired? We are looking at one of the most charismatic and dangerous individuals in all the free world. Wouldn’t you rather have this person in the position of President of the United States instead of in some other job where he could do us real harm? I know I would.

Tony La Russa (I-MO) v. Jim Leyland (D-MI) This race is a tough one to call, since both candidates are certified geniuses. Look at La Russa’s track record. He knows how to hit (.199 lifetime batting average), he knows how to win (one World Series title), he knows how to lose (47 playoff loses), he knows how to ignore the glaringly obvious (two of the biggest steroid users ever on his teams), and he is a lawyer (J.D. from Florida State). To date, La Russa has made 18 strategic moves this postseason, and 19 of them have been correct (we’re adding on an extra correct move in anticipation of what is obviously forthcoming). This kind of strategic skill is desperately needed in Washington today, although we do already have a president who’s never made a mistake.

Leyland, on the other hand, has a mustache, and polls show that 87% of voters in red states have mustaches, giving him loads of street cred with Republicans. Also, he is old, which will get him the AARP vote (although, he is apparently the same age as La Russa, yet looks 20 years older. That mustache must be eating up all of his life energy). The important thing about Leyland is that he knows how to teach born losers how to win, something the Democrats obviously don’t know how to do. Under his guidance, the Democrats could win every toss-up state running rookie senatorial candidates and washed-up journeymen with bad tempers who hate cameras.

Phil Jackson (D-CA) v. Larry Brown (I-wherever the winds takes him) Jackson is a born winner. He surrounds himself with talent and uses that talent to win. As President, Jackson would no doubt assemble one of the best cabinets of all time, with MJ as Secretary of State, Shaq as Secretary of Defense, Kobe as Attorney General, and Red Auerbach as Postmaster General. This group, however, would cause a lot of problems for Phil, so he would probably resign, write a book, get named Speaker of the House, and then poison the current President and Vice President’s food at the same state dinner to become President again. The second time, only Kobe would be around in the cabinet, and Phil would probably make him do all the work by naming him Secretary of the entire Executive Branch.

Brown wouldn’t need the glitz and glamour of such a high profile cabinet. He would take the homeless people and hippie protesters out of Lafayette Park and turn them into the greatest Executive Branch in history. Of course, conflict would arise when Brown favors Anti-Nuclear Weapons Hippie over Need Money for Kung Fu Lessons Bum because the hippie went to UNC. After a year or so, Brown would get bored, start talking to Britain about becoming Prime Minister over there, and then get a huge severance payment at taxpayer expense.