Worst Column Ever

Note: This column is terrible. Feel free to skip it.

Congratulations, Kevin Brown! You’ve got another member in the “I Broke-My-Hand-By-Punching-Something-In-a-Fit-of-Rage-Because-I-Pitched-Horribly Club.”

Yep, now you and Cardinals reliever Julian Tavarez can exchange emails, compare hand splints, and attend anger management support groups together.

For those of you who are too busy paying attention to that other LCS, Tavarez was the pitcher who gave up the game-winning homerun to Carlos Beltran in the seventh inning of game 4. He then proceeded to punch a phone in the Cardinals’ dugout, breaking three bones in his non-pitching hand. To those of us who were watching the game, this turn of events was no surprise, as after Tavarez threw a ball at Jeff Bagwell’s head, he did his best imitation of Pedro Martinez before being issued a warning by the umpire.

As professional athletes, Brown and Taverez should conduct themselves with dignity and humility at all times. Ok, I realize that’s a huge stretch there, so how about they just refrain from punching walls or phones? Or maybe they shouldn’t punch anything? I mean, they make their living with their hands, maybe they should take more precaution.

If I were a major league pitcher, I would walk around with protective plastic shells on my hands on my off days (sort of like what George Constanza did after he got that job as a hand model). Maybe the Yankees and Cardinals can negotiate a contract with Hasbro to coat everything in the clubhouse with Nerf products. I also hear those stress balls are pretty effective.We don’t need to look far to find another humble athlete. Last week, Cincinnati Bengal wide receiver Chad Johnson shipped a bottle of Pepto-Bismol to every member of the Cleveland Browns’ secondary before the two teams’ Week 6 meeting, including this thoughtful note in Browns cornerback Dayton McCutcheon’s package:

Dayton, just wanted to add a little color and relief to your week.

All the best,

Chad. #85

Unfortunately, Johnson forgot to save some Pepto for him and his quarterback, Carson Palmer. Palmer threw for an abysmal 148 yards, while Johnson only caught three passes for 37 yards with four dropped balls. Maybe he should have sent cherry-flavored Pepto, I hear that stuff tastes awful.

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Ok, at this point in the column, I would talk about the Yankees and Red Sox, but the result of Game 6 will render whatever I write irrelevant. Instead, I’m going to cover all bases via a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure. So, if the Yankees won the game, read the next paragraph. If the Red Sox won the game, skip to the second paragraph. Finally, if the game was rained out, skip to the last paragraph.

First paragraph: Last night, the screams of an entire city echoed throughout the Northeast, as the Yankees, whose two losses revived the hopes of Red Sox Nation for another two days, crushed those hopes just as easily by defeating Boston 6-4. Jon Lieber pitched a no-hitter into the seventh ending, while Curt Schilling’s ankle held up for a good inning and a third before he was chased from the game by a homerun off the bat of Miguel Cairo. After a remarkable turnaround following the Nomar trade, the Red Sox could have used Garciaparra last night, as his replacement, Orlando Cabrera, struck out with the bases loaded in the ninth inning to end the game. George Steinbrenner credited the Yankees’ success to the recently purchased cotton uniforms.

Second Paragraph: The streets of Boston were filled with the cries of jubilation, as the Red Sox forced Game 7 by edging out the Yankees 3-2. Curt Schilling redeemed himself after his 18.00 ERA performance in Game 1, shutting up the 55000+ in attendance at Yankee Stadium, allowing just two earned runs in six innings pitched. Up 2-0 in the top of the eighth inning, Yankees skipper Joe Torre made the most questionable move of his coaching career by bringing in left-handed Felix Heredia to face David Ortiz with men on first and second. The Red Sox now have the chance to make history, while George Steinbrenner was last seen jumping into the East River.

Last Paragraph: The game was rained out. Please go back to the beginning of this column and try again tomorrow.

W. Soccer Welcomes Elis

After playing its best soccer of the year, the women's soccer team looks to snap its four-game losing streak, as it welcomes Yale (7-4, 1-2 Ivy) to Berman Field tomorrow for a 12 p.m. contest. The Red (4-5-2, 1-2 Ivy) dropped a 3-1 contest to Syracuse on Wednesday night, but head coach Berhane Andeberhan believes it was the team's best effort on the field this season.

"We absolutely played a near-flawless game in the first half," Andeberhan said. "I thought up until now, our Bucknell game was our best game. This game, I think, exceeded that because we created a lot of dangerous scoring chances."

Freshman Jackie Stromberg scored her first collegiate goal just 22 seconds into the game, beating Syracuse's goalie as she came out to get a loose ball. 

"Jackie was unlucky not to score another one or two. She got herself in great position, calmly finished her first chance, barely missed on a couple others," Andeberhan said.

Syracuse knotted the equalizer in the 26th minute, and the Orange then grabbed the lead eight minutes into the second half on a goal by Helen Fox. Fox then added her second of the night with just three minutes to play in the game, and Syracuse upped its record against the Red to 7-0-1.

Since dropping a match against Colgate two weeks ago, the booters have been working on increasing their scoring chances, and that was evident against the Orange. Andeberhan has been emphasizing to his forwards to stay in scoring position in the area outside the opponent's box. 

"[Our forwards] are so responsible sometimes that they come back too much to midfield to spur the midfielders, but then they get themselves out of scoring position," Andeberhan said. 

While the Red has led early in its past two games, Andeberhan does not want the team to change its tactics to hold on to the one-goal lead.

"Unlike when I was their age, youth soccer is a seasonal thing. They don't play all the time and they don't see top-level games all the time, so some of that stuff we have to learn by experiencing it, and there are a lot of great experiences happening. Andeberhan said. "But I don't want to put the added pressure on them of having to hold on, I want them to play correctly."

The team has practiced dealing with physical play from its opponents all season, and several of the Red's playmakers were on the other end of physical play from Syracuse. The Orange had 14 fouls on Wednesday compared to the Red's six.

"The biggest obstacle we're facing is the physical play, but it won't be long until we can handle that," Andeberhan said. "Handling the physical play without having the tactical depth of knowledge would be two ugly teams colliding. I don't want to build that, I want to build something unique here, and I'm very satisfied with our direction."

Yale enters tomorrow's match on a two-game winning streak, having defeated Dartmouth 1-0 last Sunday for its first Ivy win of the season. The Bulldogs have faced some of the top teams in the country, losing to No. 15 Stanford, No. 17 Santa Clara, and No. 11 Princeton, but scoring the upset against 2003 national runner-up UCONN.

Senior goalie Sarah Walker earned Ivy League Player of the Week honors for notching a shutout against Dartmouth. The win was Yale's first over the Green since 1995. Walker has a 0.82 goals against average with four shutouts in 11 starts this season. On offense, Christina Huang and Mimi Macauley lead the team in scoring with seven points each, with Macauley assisting on five of the team's goals this season.

"Yale is a bit similar to us, judging from their results, but very well coached. I like their coaches, they're among the ones I respect the most in the league," Andeberhan said. "They play a good game of soccer, and their physical play is not marginal."

After playing its best soccer of the year, the women's soccer team looks to snap its four-game losing streak, as it welcomes Yale (7-4, 1-2 Ivy) to Berman Field tomorrow for a 12 p.m. contest. The Red (4-5-2, 1-2 Ivy) dropped a 3-1 contest to Syracuse on Wednesday night, but head coach Berhane Andeberhan believes it was the team's best effort on the field this season.
"We absolutely played a near-flawless game in the first half," Andeberhan said. "I thought up until now, our Bucknell game was our best game. This game, I think, exceeded that because we created a lot of dangerous scoring chances."
Freshman Jackie Stromberg scored her first collegiate goal just 22 seconds into the game, beating Syracuse's goalie as she came out to get a loose ball.
"Jackie was unlucky not to score another one or two. She got herself in great position, calmly finished her first chance, barely missed on a couple others," Andeberhan said.
Syracuse knotted the equalizer in the 26th minute, and the Orange then grabbed the lead eight minutes into the second half on a goal by Helen Fox. Fox then added her second of the night with just three minutes to play in the game, and Syracuse upped its record against the Red to 7-0-1.
Since dropping a match against Colgate two weeks ago, the booters have been working on increasing their scoring chances, and that was evident against the Orange. Andeberhan has been emphasizing to his forwards to stay in scoring position in the area outside the opponent's box.
"[Our forwards] are so responsible sometimes that they come back too much to midfield to spur the midfielders, but then they get themselves out of scoring position," Andeberhan said.
While the Red has led early in its past two games, Andeberhan does not want the team to change its tactics to hold on to the one-goal lead.
"Unlike when I was their age, youth soccer is a seasonal thing. They don't play all the time and they don't see top-level games all the time, so some of that stuff we have to learn by experiencing it, and there are a lot of great experiences happening. Andeberhan said. "But I don't want to put the added pressure on them of having to hold on, I want them to play correctly."
The team has practiced dealing with physical play from its opponents all season, and several of the Red's playmakers were on the other end of physical play from Syracuse. The Orange had 14 fouls on Wednesday compared to the Red's six.
"The biggest obstacle we're facing is the physical play, but it won't be long until we can handle that," Andeberhan said. "Handling the physical play without having the tactical depth of knowledge would be two ugly teams colliding. I don't want to build that, I want to build something unique here, and I'm very satisfied with our direction."
Yale enters tomorrow's match on a two-game winning streak, having defeated Dartmouth 1-0 last Sunday for its first Ivy win of the season. The Bulldogs have faced some of the top teams in the country, losing to No. 15 Stanford, No. 17 Santa Clara, and No. 11 Princeton, but scoring the upset against 2003 national runner-up UCONN.
Senior goalie Sarah Walker earned Ivy League Player of the Week honors for notching a shutout against Dartmouth. The win was Yale's first over the Green since 1995. Walker has a 0.82 goals against average with four shutouts in 11 starts this season. On offense, Christina Huang and Mimi Macauley lead the team in scoring with seven points each, with Macauley assisting on five of the team's goals this season.
"Yale is a bit similar to us, judging from their results, but very well coached. I like their coaches, they're among the ones I respect the most in the league," Andeberhan said. "They play a good game of soccer, and their physical play is not marginal."
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Women's Soccer Team Drops Second Ivy Contest to Crimson

Looking for its second Ivy win, the women's soccer team traveled to Boston this past weekend to face Harvard (4-4-2, 2-1 Ivy), but came up on the losing end of a 4-1 contest. The Red (4-4-2, 1-2 Ivy) will try to snap its three-game losing streak when it travels to face Syracuse (6-5-2, 1-4-1 Big East) tonight at 5:30 p.m.

The Red got on the board early against the Crimson, as junior co-captain Shannon Fraser scored in the 11th minute. Fraser collected her own rebound after her initial shot hit the crossbar, putting the ball past Harvard goalie Katie Shields for her first goal of the season.

Harvard answered back in the 32nd minute, when Alisha Morgan retrieved a rebound off of a Danielle Mirabal shot, and beat Cornell goalie Katie Thomas to notch the equalizer. The Crimson took the lead in the 65th minute, as Falyne Chave set up teammate Katie Johnson, who buried the ball in the upper right corner of the goal.

Mirabal added another goal for the Crimson in the 84th minute, poking the ball away from Thomas to score on the empty net. Brittany Meeks, who assisted on Mirabal's goal, netted Harvard's fourth goal with 15 seconds left in the game.

Thomas finished the game with six saves for Cornell, while Shields stopped five for the Crimson. Fraser registered five of the Red's 10 shots in the contest.

Syracuse enters tonight's contest having dropped three straight conference matches. The Orange only recorded three shots in a 1-0 loss to Rutgers on Sunday, and have scored only two goals in its last four games. Sophomore Molly McManus leads the team in scoring with three goals and two assists, while senior Shana Thomas also has netted three goals. Between the pipes for the Orange is Shannon Myers, who has recorded a 1.11 goals against average and three shutouts in 12 starts this season.
The Red has never defeated Syracuse in the team's seven meetings since the series began in 1997. Syracuse upped its record to 6-0-1 against Cornell with a 3-0 win last season in Ithaca. The Red will face Yale this Saturday at Berman Field for a 12 p.m. contest, before heading back on the road next Wednesday to face Army.

W. Soccer Travels to Cambridge

With a full week of preparation behind it, the women's soccer team heads out to Boston to take on Harvard (3-4-2, 1-1 Ivy) tomorrow morning at 11 a.m. The Red (4-3-2, 1-1 Ivy) looks to rebound from a 3-0 loss last Saturday against Penn at Berman Field. Without a midweek game to play this week, the booters were able to hold a team meeting to talk about the season.

"Because we had no game during the week, we got together, got some perspective, discussed what went well, what didn't go well, and what we need to work on," said head coach Berhane Andeberhan. "The other thing is we were able to give some people a little bit of rest in the beginning of the week, and then turn it up in terms of fitness."

Last weekend, Penn capitalized on the Red's mistakes and the absence of two of its seniors, netting two goals in the span of six minutes. Katy Cross, one of the best players in the league, scored the Quakers' first goal, while Rachel Snyder found the back of the net twice off assists from Carolyn Cross.

"We made some critical mistakes about four or five times, and that ended up in three goals, so we're trying to sure up those errors. You can't give a phenomenal player like Katy Cross a chance to get in between your defenders and receive the ball," Andeberhan said.

Another thing the team is working on in practice is avoiding the slow start, which was a problem in the team's last two games. Normally, Andeberhan lets his squad warm up before the game by themselves, but he will introduce some new warm-ups before the game against Harvard.

"I suggested, if necessary, that I will warm the team up before a game. But my captains came up with an even better idea. They wanted me to suggest some more active, more competitive things, instead of the couple of things we tend to do," Anderberhan said. "We're casting aside a couple of our warm-up exercises, and getting a competitive exercise in there, so hopefully that helps."

Last season against the Crimson, the Red came away with a 1-1 tie, but Andeberhan has described the "1-1 win" as the team's best effort last season.

"Technically and tactically, we're a little better this year. If we can replicate that level of intensity [from last year], we should have a good game," Andeberhan said.

Harvard comes into tomorrow's contest after winning its first Ivy game of the season against Yale. Alisha Morgan's goal in the 31st minute proved to be all the offense the Crimson needed, as Harvard held on for the 1-0 win over the Bulldogs. Morgan and Emily Colvin each have two goals on the year. In goal, Katie Shields has posted a goals against average of 0.84 with two shutouts.

While the Crimson lacks a Katy Cross-type player, its starting 11 are solid throughout the lineup. However, the Red's bench should be a big factor in the game.

"If we keep the game close, we will fare well because of our depth. I don't think [Harvard] has that kind of depth. When they go to their bench, they drop to where we were in the past, but their first 11 are very good," Andeberhan said. "Historically, I think you have to give them the edge, but I think we can compete well."

New LSAT

Like many Cornellians, I spent last Saturday morning in a windowless room in the law school taking the LSAT. Four hours of sitting in a chair taking a test that will potentially affect the rest of your life can be a real drain on your mind. So instead of today's regularly scheduled column, I present to you the L Sports Aptitude Test (unfortunately, there is no appropriate word that starts with "L," so I will leave it blank).

Logical Reasoning

Directions: For each of the following, read the short paragraph and then answer the question below.

1. The Oakland Athletics missed the playoffs for the first time in five seasons. With its "Big Three" of Mulder, Hudson, and Zito pitching against the Angels in the final three games of the season, the A's dropped two of three to finish one game out of first place. Clearly, GM Billy Beane's Moneyball tactics failed miserably.

Which of the following is an assumption on which the argument is based?

(A) Moneyball should be considered blasphemy.

(B) The underlying theories of Moneyball do not apply well to a short series.

(C) I have not read Moneyball, but Billy Beane should not pay people to write books about how great he is.

(D) Mulder, Hudson, and Zito have lost their edge.

(E) Maybe you need a solid closer after all.

2. Gary Sheffield and Barry Bonds were good friends. Sheffield stayed at Bonds's house for a few weeks before the 2002 season to train with him. The two did not get along, and Bonds eventually stole Sheffield's personal chef from him. Therefore, Bonds has taken steroids. The reasoning in the above argument is flawed because

(A) It fails to consider the possibility that Sheffield secretly injected Bonds with steroids while Bonds was sleeping.

(B) It assumes what it sets out to prove.

(C) It assumes without warrant that if Bonds is an asshole, then he must be taking steroids.

(D) It fails to consider that Bonds will win the MVP again.

(E) It relies on stereotypes instead of presenting facts.

Reading Comprehension

Directions: Read the following passage and then answer the subsequent questions.

Despite the improvements to this year's hockey ticket line, several new systems are being considered for next year's. Instead of simply showing up at a certain time to get line numbers for season tickets, students will face one of three arduous ticket-distributing processes. They will also only be able to buy general admission tickets for single games.

The first option is to adopt Duke's basketball ticket distribution system. While students at Duke wait in plush tents provided with electricity and internet, Cornell students would have to wait on the Robert Trent Jones Golf Course and in the Vet School parking lot.

In the second option, students will face each other in Greco-Roman wrestling matches. The tournament will be round-robin style, and the students who finish with the best record will be awarded the highest line numbers. In order to prepare students for this arduous process, Cornell's P.E. department will be offering wrestling classes next semester.

The last option will capitalize on the country's poker craze. Students will enter a $10,000 No-Limit Texas Hold 'Em tournament, and the winner will be the first one allowed into Lynah Rink before each home game. Satellite tournaments will be offered daily at every dining hall, and the Main Event will be played in Newman Arena.

3. The passage implies which of the following about the second ticket line option?

(A) It is the best way to distribute tickets in the future.

(B) It is a barbaric and unfair method.

(C) All Cornell students are currently able to wrestle effectively.

(D) Gene Nighman '81 will be the official for the matches.

Cornell has bought sufficient insurance to cover the expected injuries from this distribution method.

4. What is the main idea of the excerpt?

(A) Waiting for season hockey tickets at Cornell is an annual rite of passage enjoyed by many students.

(B) Allowing students to buy season tickets is an effective ticket distribution method. (C) Despite the success of the 2004 ticket line, the ticket office will institute one of three laborious ticket distribution processes to test the Lynah Faithful.

(D) Students are willing to spend days in line and hundreds of dollars for hockey tickets, yet sparsely attend the other FREE Cornell sporting events.

(E) Cursing should not be allowed in Lynah Rink.

Logic Games

Students A, B, C, D, E, and F have three line numbers in the hockey ticket line. The line lasts three days, and one student can hold two line numbers. The following conditions apply: Each student must wait at least one day.

A and B cannot wait on the same day as each other.

If C waits on the second day, then D waits on the third day.

E waits on the third day.

5. Which of the following is an acceptable schedule for waiting on the line?

(A) First Day: A, B; Second Day: C, F; Third Day: D, E

(B) First Day: A, E; Second Day: D, F; Third Day: B, C

(C) First Day: C, D; Second Day: B, C; Third Day: A, D

(D) First Day: A, C; Second Day: F, B; Third Day: D, E

(E) None of the above. All of the students are seniors, and they have a combined workload during the waiting period of six prelims, three papers, four job interviews, and the LSAT.

Red Tops Lions in Ivy Opener

Bolstered by the return of its two starting forwards, the women's soccer team won its first Ivy League game of the season, beating Columbia 2-1 Saturday morning in New York. The Red (4-1-2, 1-0 Ivy) relied on a new formation to disrupt the Lions (5-3-0, 0-1 Ivy) -- ending Columbia's five-game winning streak in the process. After losing its first game of the season on Wednesday to Bucknell, the booters rebounded to clinch this important victory.

"We knew we played well against Bucknell, so we weren't too disappointed about the loss," said freshman Mariye Wick. "It was fine getting the loss out of the way and just getting ready for the [Ivy] season."

While the Red has experienced a lot of physical play in past games this season, it was not a factor against Columbia.

"It was a good, intense game, but my hat is off to Columbia. This was a really good, quality Ivy League game," said head coach Berhane Andeberhan. "I obviously prefer our style of play, but [Columbia] really played a good soccer game, and so did we. We really took the game away in the first half."

The Red implemented a new formation against the Lions, using a hybrid outside midfielder-defender. Sophomore co-captain Whitney Hughes, playing as one of the hybrids, served the ball from the outside in the 13th minute, and junior co-captain Shannon Fraser headed the ball off the post. Junior Kara Ishikawa was there to get the rebound, and she put the loose ball home for her third goal of the season.

Cornell's new formation caught the Lions off guard, and the Red played a possession game that generated scoring chances in the first half.

"It definitely caused a lot of problems for Columbia, in the first half especially. They couldn't figure out what we were doing," Wick said. "I think it caused a lot of confusion. We were really able to use the outside to possess the ball."

Columbia struck back early in the second half, when Bailey Schroeder headed the ball off a Shannon Munoz free kick in the 49th minute to notch the equalizer.

"We got scored upon at a moment when our composure was at its best. They were dominating the game for about 10 to 15 minutes, and during that span, they scored," Andeberhan said. "We just regained [our edge]. I didn't say anything to [our team], they just dug in and retrieved the game and played well until the end."

With time winding down in regulation, the Red won a corner kick in the 76th minute. Junior Kelly Bowen took the kick, which bounced off several players before freshman Kelly Kosco put the ball in the back of the net for her first collegiate goal.

The Red got a boost from its leaders up front -- Fraser and senior co-captain Emily Wyffels both returned from injuries -- and was able to come away with a big league win.

"Their ability is tremendous, but also they're very respected leaders on and off the field," Andeberhan said. "They also have that experience, so when we were playing the possession game, they continue to insist on playing the possession game when distractions happen. Even though they didn't play the whole time, we were very happy to have them back."

Women's Ivy Season Opens With Columbia

Although it lost its first game of the season on Wednesday, the women's soccer team enters tomorrow's Ivy opener at Columbia (5-2, 0-0 Ivy) having given up just two goals all season. The Red (3-1-2, 0-0 Ivy) will face a Lions squad that is currently riding a five-game win streak, during which it has racked up five shutouts.

On Wednesday night, Bucknell only needed one quality scoring chance to clinch the game against Cornell, netting a goal in the sixth minute of play. The Bisons capitalized after winning a corner kick, as Krista Lee Gentile headed home a rebound after Meaghan Ferris's initial shot went off the crossbar. The Red put the pressure on the Bucknell defense in the second half, but was unable to find the back of the net. Junior Kara Ishikawa nearly netted the equalizer in the 64th minute, but her shot rang off the crossbar. Despite the loss, head coach Berhane Andeberhan was very pleased with the team's play.

"It was our best game, I was very pleased. The cruelty of soccer gets shown glaringly again. Our kids generated a lot of offense and we defended well. [Bucknell] scored one very good goal and we actually had a lot more scoring chances," Andeberhan said.

Columbia opened its season with two one-goal losses at the UC Berkeley Invitational. Since then, the Lions have played more than seven hours of scoreless soccer, winning the Governor's Cup last weekend in Albany by defeating Albany and Siena. Tournament Offensive MVP Shannon Munoz was named Ivy League Player of the Week, while Tournament Defensive MVP Cathleen Cimino was named Ivy League Rookie of the Week.

"[The competition] will be on the level of a Lafayette or a Stony Brook, those teams -- a little bit up from Bucknell, although we lost to them. Because it's an Ivy League game, there will be a little bit more emotional intensity," Andeberhan said.

Munoz currently leads Columbia in scoring with three goals and three assists, while four other players have netted a goal this season. Senior Erissa Aronson and freshman Allison Vespa have been splitting time between the pipes this season, and both sport a goals against average under one.

Last year, Cornell defeated Columbia 3-0 in Ithaca in what Andeberhan described as "a straight-up game."

"I feel we can play with anyone playing straight up in our league, and we can compete very well with anybody. We have shown that now for three years," Andeberhan said.

"However, physically we're a smaller team, and even if there was no differential in size, if we're playing a possession game, the unfortunate rule of thumb is to then disrupt us with physical play."

The booters have been working in practice to counteract this physical play so that it does not undermine their tactics during the game.

"[Yesterday] we worked on neutralizing [the physical play] and being more efficient with the ball," Andeberhan said. "If you're more efficient with the ball, there's fewer 50-50 balls when we receive the ball and when we pass the ball, and there will be fewer opportunities to be hit."

2029 Sports Lesson

"Ok, class. Open your history textbooks to Chapter 16: Sports Stories of the Past Century and turn to page 274. Since today is the 25th anniversary of the 2004 NHL lockout, we're going to read about how this labor dispute affected the players and the game of hockey itself."

... and it was clearly shown on the replay that Terrell Owens did not have possession of the ball as he fell out of bounds. Vikings coach Mike Tice then became the first NFL coach of the instant replay era to throw the challenge flag just so he could yell at the refs for messing up a game-altering call.

The Lockout: Hockey Gets Put on Ice

With hockey writers predicting a lockout almost two years in advance, the NHL work stoppage became official on Sept. 16 at 12:00 a.m. The two sides met several times in the weeks leading up to the lockout, but could not work out a deal. The players' union proposed a new plan in the 11th hour, which included a luxury tax, revenue sharing, a five percent rollback in player salaries, and changes to the entry-level salary structure. This plan was rejected by the owners, who wanted a salary cap instituted to limit player salaries.

In the 2003-04 season, the 30 NHL owners reported a loss of $224 million, of which 75 percent came from just six teams. Out of the four major sports, hockey was the only one without a salary cap or luxury tax in place. With 75 percent of the league's total revenue going towards player salaries, the owners needed a cap on salaries to turn a profit.

A last-minute deal might have been reached had the owners and league executives not been watching the World Cup of Hockey, which took place the first two weeks of September in 2004.

Players Move On

With the league's operations halted, many players signed on with teams in Europe and fledgling leagues in North America. Unfortunately for players like Peter Forsberg and Markus Naslund, who had hoped to play in the Swedish Elite League, that league's collective bargaining agreement also had expired, meaning they would have to wait out another lockout if they wanted to play in their home country. Leagues in the Czech Republic and Russia were in similar straights, and for the multitude of players who jouneyed over to Europe, the only option to play hockey was way back in North America.

The Original Stars Hockey League, which formed only a month before the lockout, capitalized on the labor situation in Europe. With its new brand of hockey and a multitude of former NHL players, the OSHL completed eight 20-game seasons in the span of one year, awarding the Assante Wealth Management Trophy to three different teams. The league enjoyed wide success thanks to its free admission and free alcohol at every game. However, hockey fans were irked at the $100 parking fees instituted at every arena.

The World Hockey Association did not enjoy similar success. Thanks to a substandard website and the loss of the AVCO Trophy, the league floundered in the first months of its season. Commissioner and former WHA great, Bobby Hull, resigned in mid-2005 to go play for the Detroit franchise of the OSHL. Isiah Thomas, having failed to get the New York Knicks to the playoffs, took the reins, and the league folded soon after.

The Next One And The Next Next One

Eric Lindros, whose career was plagued by numerous concussions and sour dealings with the Philadelphia Flyers, found himself short on money after investing a substantial amount of his savings in the WHA. Taking a page from Jose Canseco, Lindros started a service where people could pay him $10,000 to hang out with him for a day. Unfortunately for Lindros, a group of about 100 Flyers fans signed up for the first slot. Needless to say, by the end of the day, Lindros had sustained his seventh and eighth concussions.

Sidney Crosby, the young hockey protégé from Nova Scotia, was left in a bind after the lockout. With the NHL in no hurry to return, and Isiah Thomas owning his rights, Crosby gave up the game in 2006 and switched over to basketball. After spending the summer at Steve Nash’s basketball camp, Crosby received a scholarship to play point guard at Duke. After leading the Blue Devils to four straight national titles, Crosby was selected by the Los Angeles Clippers with the first pick of the 2010 draft. He has since led the Clippers to eight 30-win seasons, much to the delight of new owner Frankie Muniz.

CURLING: CANADA’S OTHER NATIONAL PASTIME

Distraught over the loss of their beloved sport, Canadians found solace in the new National Curling League. The NCL started with six franchises, named after the six former NHL teams. The league was able to secure the naming rights after agreeing to give the NHL half of its advertising revenue. At the 2006 Winter Olympics Games in Turin, Italy, Canada was the strong favorite. However, Team Canada lost in the gold-medal game when former New Jersey Devil Scott Gomez, who learned how to play the sport a week prior to the Games, led the United States team in a thrilling upset.

“For homework tonight, I would like each of you to write a two-page essay on how the New York Rangers won the Stanley Cup in the 2023-2024 season, the first NHL season after the lockout ended. References to the Rangers’ 1994 season are a plus.”