This Column Is About Sandwiches

One common critique of American cuisine is that is lacks a defining characteristic. I disagree – the sandwich is clearly the heart of the American culinary culture. Now some might say that a sandwich is just two pieces of bread with some random meats and cheeses thrown in the middle. That would technically be correct, but it’s like describing a Picasso by saying it’s just a bunch of weird looking faces. You have to dig deeper. What does any of this have to do with sports? Well, earlier this semester, I was shopping on my local market, and noticed the deli counter was advertising a sandwich named in honor of Redskins left tackle Chris Samuels called the “Big Pro LT.” The Big Pro LT is roast beef, deep fried turkey breast, pepperoni, pepper jack and American cheese, lettuce, tomato, pickles, onions, banana peppers, and sweet hot mustard on Three Cheese Semolina bread. That’s quite a sandwich.

Now, I was reminded of the hilarious sandwich episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry tries to switch his awful fish-laden sandwich with Ted Danson’s classic Turkey and Russian Dressing sandwich, and thought “I wonder if Chris Samuels actually got to pick these ingredients.” Anyway, this got me thinking about what other athletes have their own sandwiches and how their sandwich ingredients express who they are as a player and a human being. This is going to be a deep, metaphysical discussion, so I would recommend not trying to read this while driving a car or even standing.

Pittsburgh Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger: The Roethlisburger

An obvious place to start this analysis would be the one player whose name already sounds like a sandwich. During Roethlisberger’s rookie year, a Pittsburgh deli created the original Roethlisburger, priced at $7. Unfortunately for this deli, the burger takes more than 10 minutes to make, and when demand soared after Roethlisberger became a star, it had trouble filling all the orders with its limited number of grills. The Roethlisburger weighs over a pound and is topped with sausage, corned beef, scrambled eggs, grilled onions, and American cheese on a Portuguese roll. This sounds like a delicious and heart-attack inducing monstrosity, but the namesake has never actually had his own sandwich. You see, Roethlisberger is not only lactose intolerant; he’s also a vegan. The true Roethlisburger, made by the team’s executive chef, is a pound of soy, oats, hummus, artichoke hearts, and cranberry relish on a Pumpernickel roll. Efforts to mass-market this alternative Roethlisburger in the Steel City have surprisingly fallen flat.

New York Yankees Third Baseman Alex Rodriguez: The Clutch Club Sandwich

A-Rod has been the subject of much ridicule and scorn lately, but he recently got a self esteem boost from Serendipity 3 in Manhattan when the owner unveiled the Clutch Club last month. After careful negotiations with Scott Boras, the final ingredients were recently approved and customers will be able to enjoy this eclectic concoction in the coming weeks. The triple-decker sandwich features a foie gras mayonnaise, honey mustard with diced $100 bills and a seasonal endangered species fried in truffle oil. All these exotic ingredients drive up the price of the sandwich to $350, but if you hold out three weeks before actually agreeing to eat it, the price comes down 20%.

Washington Wizards Guard Gilbert Arenas: The Blogger Burger

Noted practical joker, philanthropist, and professional Halo player Gilbert Arenas recently rolled out his own sandwich at Lindy’s. Featuring fresh ground beef from cows at Arenas’s Hibachi Hills Farm in Montgomery County, the Blogger Burger is only cooked on a Gilbert Arenas Brand Hibachi Grill. The center of the burger is then cut out and served on a plain bagel with no other toppings or condiments. Arenas has promised free personally-cooked Blogger Burgers on the day after any game where he hits a game-winning shot. Never one to miss an opportunity, Arenas will also begin selling the zero-shaped patties to local Safeways this winter.

Knicks GM/Coach Isiah Thomas: The Bad Boy Special

Thomas has come under fire a lot recently for various things that I don’t need to repeat here, but one area where he has definitely succeeded (besides his mail-order popcorn company) is his new frozen breakfast sandwich, the Bad Boy Special. Designed to imitate the greasy, throw-every-in-the-skillet-and-cover-it-with-gravy breakfast stack available at your local diner, this microwaveable delight originally featured seven kinds of imported Italian ham and bacon. However, in a bold move, Thomas traded away the entire stock for a package of Oscar Meyer bacon and a can of spam. After getting into a fight with his distributor on the Knicks team jet last week, Thomas has been forced to roll back his nationwide launch, and currently the Bad Boy Special is only available at select concession stands at the Garden.