This Column Is About Sandwiches

One common critique of American cuisine is that is lacks a defining characteristic. I disagree – the sandwich is clearly the heart of the American culinary culture. Now some might say that a sandwich is just two pieces of bread with some random meats and cheeses thrown in the middle. That would technically be correct, but it’s like describing a Picasso by saying it’s just a bunch of weird looking faces. You have to dig deeper. What does any of this have to do with sports? Well, earlier this semester, I was shopping on my local market, and noticed the deli counter was advertising a sandwich named in honor of Redskins left tackle Chris Samuels called the “Big Pro LT.” The Big Pro LT is roast beef, deep fried turkey breast, pepperoni, pepper jack and American cheese, lettuce, tomato, pickles, onions, banana peppers, and sweet hot mustard on Three Cheese Semolina bread. That’s quite a sandwich.

Now, I was reminded of the hilarious sandwich episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm where Larry tries to switch his awful fish-laden sandwich with Ted Danson’s classic Turkey and Russian Dressing sandwich, and thought “I wonder if Chris Samuels actually got to pick these ingredients.” Anyway, this got me thinking about what other athletes have their own sandwiches and how their sandwich ingredients express who they are as a player and a human being. This is going to be a deep, metaphysical discussion, so I would recommend not trying to read this while driving a car or even standing.

Pittsburgh Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger: The Roethlisburger

An obvious place to start this analysis would be the one player whose name already sounds like a sandwich. During Roethlisberger’s rookie year, a Pittsburgh deli created the original Roethlisburger, priced at $7. Unfortunately for this deli, the burger takes more than 10 minutes to make, and when demand soared after Roethlisberger became a star, it had trouble filling all the orders with its limited number of grills. The Roethlisburger weighs over a pound and is topped with sausage, corned beef, scrambled eggs, grilled onions, and American cheese on a Portuguese roll. This sounds like a delicious and heart-attack inducing monstrosity, but the namesake has never actually had his own sandwich. You see, Roethlisberger is not only lactose intolerant; he’s also a vegan. The true Roethlisburger, made by the team’s executive chef, is a pound of soy, oats, hummus, artichoke hearts, and cranberry relish on a Pumpernickel roll. Efforts to mass-market this alternative Roethlisburger in the Steel City have surprisingly fallen flat.

New York Yankees Third Baseman Alex Rodriguez: The Clutch Club Sandwich

A-Rod has been the subject of much ridicule and scorn lately, but he recently got a self esteem boost from Serendipity 3 in Manhattan when the owner unveiled the Clutch Club last month. After careful negotiations with Scott Boras, the final ingredients were recently approved and customers will be able to enjoy this eclectic concoction in the coming weeks. The triple-decker sandwich features a foie gras mayonnaise, honey mustard with diced $100 bills and a seasonal endangered species fried in truffle oil. All these exotic ingredients drive up the price of the sandwich to $350, but if you hold out three weeks before actually agreeing to eat it, the price comes down 20%.

Washington Wizards Guard Gilbert Arenas: The Blogger Burger

Noted practical joker, philanthropist, and professional Halo player Gilbert Arenas recently rolled out his own sandwich at Lindy’s. Featuring fresh ground beef from cows at Arenas’s Hibachi Hills Farm in Montgomery County, the Blogger Burger is only cooked on a Gilbert Arenas Brand Hibachi Grill. The center of the burger is then cut out and served on a plain bagel with no other toppings or condiments. Arenas has promised free personally-cooked Blogger Burgers on the day after any game where he hits a game-winning shot. Never one to miss an opportunity, Arenas will also begin selling the zero-shaped patties to local Safeways this winter.

Knicks GM/Coach Isiah Thomas: The Bad Boy Special

Thomas has come under fire a lot recently for various things that I don’t need to repeat here, but one area where he has definitely succeeded (besides his mail-order popcorn company) is his new frozen breakfast sandwich, the Bad Boy Special. Designed to imitate the greasy, throw-every-in-the-skillet-and-cover-it-with-gravy breakfast stack available at your local diner, this microwaveable delight originally featured seven kinds of imported Italian ham and bacon. However, in a bold move, Thomas traded away the entire stock for a package of Oscar Meyer bacon and a can of spam. After getting into a fight with his distributor on the Knicks team jet last week, Thomas has been forced to roll back his nationwide launch, and currently the Bad Boy Special is only available at select concession stands at the Garden.

Better Prep Than BarBRI

Like many 3Ls, this past Saturday I had the absolute pleasure of taking the MPRE. Having completed this arduous exercise in ethical gymnastics, my brain is a bit fried, so I was unable to write a column for this issue. Luckily, managed to sneak out the experimental questions from the testing center and have reprinted some of the more amusing ones for your perusal.

1. Baseball player Pay-Rod has an option in his employment contract that will let him opt out of his 10-year deal and declare free agency after this season. He has until 10 days after the World Series to opt out, but he will be traveling to his secret underground training laboratory, so he has instructed Agent Aboras to opt out for him when Pay-Rod sends him an email next week. Unfortunately, a glitch in Pay-rod’s email system causes the message to be sent out too early, and Aboras announces that Pay-rod is opting out of his contract in the middle of Game 4 of the World Series. Is Aboras subject to discipline?

A) Yes, because he should have known that Pay-Rod would not wanted him to have made such an announcement in the middle of the World Series because Pay-Rod is a classy individual.

B) Yes, because Red Sox reliever Hideki Okajima was distracted when the crowd started chanting “Don’t sign Pay-Rod!” and gave up a home run.

C) No, because offseason transactions are much more important to the public than the actual game and they

D) No, because no one really cares about Pay-Rod since he is a postseason choker. Had it been Aboras’s other client, World Series MVP David Eckstein, he would be subject to discipline.

2. Managing Partner Mangini used to work for Barrister Belichick as his coordinator for his defense practice. Two years ago, Mangini was hired away by a rival firm. Mangini is currently representing a client in a matter against one of Belichick’s clients. In fact, Mangini has insider information about Bellichick’s client from when he worked for Belichick and also knows that Belichick has a stash of video tapes documenting his client’s industry espionage. Mangini subsequently alters his discovery request to include these tapes. Was Mangini’s action proper?

A) No, because Mangini has a conflict of interest in the matter since he used to represent Belichick’s client.

B) No, because everyone knows that the information on the tapes is harmless and every other company in the industry does it.

C) Yes, because the tapes allowed Belichick’s client to steal Mangini’s client’s secret manufacturing process.

D) Yes, because Mangini is not as good of a lawyer as Belichick and he needed to get rid of Belichick’s competitive edge.

3. Baller Bryant is the star player on his basketball team. Due to personality conflicts, the team was forced to trade away its other star player several years ago and has done relatively poorly with Bryant at the helm. The team is now contemplating trading him and has contacted Crazy Owner Cuban to try to work out a deal. One day during the negotiations, Cuban runs into Bryant out in the hotel lobby. “We would love to have you on our team,” say Cuban. “I will get this deal done quickly if you keep your next few games close, if you know what I mean.” Bryant, confused, asks Cuban to clarify. “Do I need to spell it out for you? I want you to shave points for the next ten games. I’m trying to raise money to buy the Cubs.” Bryant is conflicted, as he is not fond of cheating. What action must Bryant take?

A) Bryant must report Cuban’s remarks to the league office because Cuban has engaged in fraudulent conduct.

B) Bryant must not say anything because the conversation is protected by owner-player confidentiality.

C) Bryant must carry out Cuban’s point-shaving scheme because he wants to get traded quickly.

D) Bryant must agree to help Cuban but secretly bet on his own team and screw Cuban over by scoring 80 points a game.

4. Safety Sanders is a hard hitter. During one game, Defensive Manager Meeks comes over to Sanders on the sideline and says, “Sanders, I want Brady out of commission.” Sanders says he can beat the other team straight up, but Meeks says he doesn’t want him beaten. When Sanders takes the field on the next drive, he sees Meeks mouth the words “out of commission” to him. The next play called is a safety blitz. Which of the following would be proper for Sanders to do in this situation?

A) Blitz Brady and try to take out his legs, then apologize profusely afterwards that he didn’t mean to do it.

B) Blitz Brady but tackle him cleanly. Sanders could get a penalty for unnecessary roughness if he plays dirty.

C) Drop back into coverage and hope Meeks doesn’t notice.

D) Walk off the field.