Recent studies have shown that Americans waste approximately 200 million work-hours every day checking their fantasy sports teams, a net loss of approximately $45 trillion. Luckily, our corporate leaders exported fantasy sports over to Europe in 1989, so the effect has been minimal. With football season in full swing, the fantasy football sites have been humming loudly in offices and schools across the country (yes, guy who sits next to me in Complex Lit, I see you checking your team every 10 minutes. Guess what? You’re still in last place). Fantasy veterans primarily devote their time to one league, which they will refer to as “my league,” implying that they really don’t care about the league that you both are members of (which is known as “my other league”). With multiple leagues come multiple exposures to the various fantasy sports personalities, and I have broken down these personalities based on their real-life counterparts in my league for your entertainment.
The Commish: In some leagues, this position is mainly ceremonial, like the Queen of England, except without the money, celebrity status, and state dinners. In fact, it’s a lot like being a regular person except you can make people call you the Commish in real-life situations (I think Michael Chiklis used to do this back in 1995). Other commissioners take their job as seriously as (and often to the detriment of) their real job. They spend days pondering whether to make a change to the scoring system and set up the league website in the middle of July. They send you urgent emails reminding you that you haven’t paid the $11 yet and why can’t you just send the money, you lazy bastard, it’s only $11! Our Commish recently told me one night that he regretted not decreasing the scoring for QB touchdowns to four points each this season, so I called him a cab so he could sulk at home by himself. Nobody likes a downer.
The Rivals: No sports rivalry, save perhaps South Florida-Central Florida, can match the hatred that these two individuals have for each other. Though they have never met and most likely don’t even know what the other person looks like, the Rivals’ sole focus from September to December is beating the other individual to a bloody fantasy pulp. The origin of the rivalry has sadly been misplaced in the pages of history—aka our league message board from two years ago was deleted. I think it had something to do with the fact that Rival 1’s first and last names rhyme and this irritated Rival 2 to no end. He would often post messages at 3 in the morning after coming home from work drunk, insulting Rival 1’s manhood and female family members. Rival 1 would then respond with an equivalent exchange of obscenities and so forth. Things seem to be on the mend between the Rivals however, as Rival 1 recently asked Rival 2 to be an usher at his wedding.
The Newbie: The newest person in the league is usually a fantasy sports rookie or a new friend of one of the current members. Lacking familiarity with fantasy sports or the other league members, he stays off the message board and makes very few moves. This is often mistaken as apathy, and sometimes the other members will pushback angrily or try to take advantage by proposing a lopsided trade. The Newbie in our league this year is hardly a newbie in the traditional sense. He was a founding member of the league back in its initial season, but was summarily banned the following year after the current Commish seized power in a bloodless coup. The reasons for this ban are the stuff of legend--namely that the Newbie started hitting on a girl that the Commish was talking to in a bar and both men ended up going home alone that night. Either due to the Commish’s new found maturity or because he kicked his brother out of the league last season, the Newbie was reluctantly welcomed back into the fold.
The Idiot: This individual is first identified during the draft when he makes a boneheaded pick (like picking the Bears Defense in the third round. He will then follow up this savant-like pick by drafting Adam Vinatieri in the sixth round and then a second defense with his 10th pick. This guy is basically a fantasy train wreck, but we keep him around because he is an easy win for the rest of us. Full disclosure: I recently lost to the Idiot in my league, making me the uber-Idiot. See below.
The Guy Whose Team Never Pans Out: TGWTNPO is a frustrated individual. Blessed with a high draft pick and a cursory knowledge of player value (i.e. he tore out the player rankings page from a fantasy football magazine in Barnes and Noble), this person relies on getting the best available in a certain round by checking average draft position religiously. Of course, in three months, no one will remember that the guy he picked in the sixth round outperformed most of the fifth rounders, but this fact will comfort TGWTNPO as he loses his fifth straight week and is heading towards another consolation bracket.
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