These Are Not My Readers

Believe it or not, as the third most popular sports columnist on campus, I get tons of emails every week from people just like you—ordinary law school folks who read this column under their desk in class or on top of their Evidence book in the library. Most of these emails are your run-of-the-mill “your column gives my life meaning! Can you send me a signed copy?” type (and yes, I will), but sometimes I receive a note from a distressed soul, wandering through the darkness that is the American sporting world, looking for guidance. It is times like these that I’m glad I attended the graduate school sports columnist conference at the Holiday Inn down in Front Royal last year. Below is a sampling of the advice I’ve given out over the past few semesters. Names have been changed to protect the imaginary.

Dear Left-Wing Lock,

As a fan of a certain Catholic school in America’s heartland, I am very upset over our lack of winning and media attention. I am used to us still being relevant at this point in the season, and am tired of only having discussions with other certain Catholic school in America’s heartland fans because no other college football enthusiasts want to talk about our team. Are there any states where it is legal for someone with a 10-year contract that was prematurely awarded to go “missing”?

Sincerely,

Lost in North Bend

Dear Lost,

I can tell from your letter that you are truly in agony and I wish I could help. The pain you are experienced is one that no one should ever have to experience, but you’ll look back on this seemingly dreadful time in a few years and realize that your past glory is just that—in the past. It is time to start looking towards the future and your team’s place in it. Instead of aspiring to win the national championship each year, why not shoot for something more realistic, like best record in the state your school is located in? That seems like a more reasonable goal. Also, I believe Idaho is the state you are looking for. Try to get Boise St. on the schedule next year.

-LLW

Dear Left-Wing Lock,

I am dating a 1L who is a big Duke Football fan, but the only problem is that I’m a Tarheel supporter born and bred. The inter-school rivalry is starting to take a toll on our relationship, as she only wants to watch the games at the Duke bar in the third circle of hell (aka Friendship Heights) whereas I practically live at the UNC bar on Saturdays in the fall. Is there any hope for us?

Sincerely,

Tarheel 2L

Dear 2L,

Yours is a common problem among law students. As an undergrad, you were surrounded by your own kind who wore the same sweatshirts and other various clothing and who would not try to pick a fight with you at the bar during a game if you cheered too loudly. Now you have suddenly been thrust into a strange new world, one where everyone is wearing different color hats and not in the same mood as you the day after a big game. You unfortunately have chosen to exacerbate the problem by dating a girl from one of your oldest gridiron rivals. You cannot be saved. Either break up with your Dukie or try to get the bartender at the Duke bar to turn the really small TV in the back corner to the UNC game so you can still pretend to be supporting her while cheering for your school in silence.

-LLW

Dear Leftie,

You seem to know a lot about football. What can the Redskins do to turn the season around?

Sincerely,

FedEx Field Patron

Dear Patron,

While watching the game this week in person, I noted several areas where the Redskins can improve. The first is offensive line physical fitness. I believe these gentlemen are responsible for protecting the quarterback and opening up running lanes, but they are very ineffective when they are all injured and not playing. So I would start there. Second, I think Ladell Betts should be starting because I have him on my fantasy team and Clinton Portis hasn’t gotten injured yet. He is wasting a space on my bench every week. Finally, the Redskins offense is way too complicated. I hear their playbook is over 1000 pages! Has anyone ever humorously pointed that out before? I say, scrap that whole thing and just run the option every down. That thing is unstoppable.

-LLW

Dear Left-Wing Lock (aka Loooser Mets fan),

You guys are terrible! We r0xx0red our way into the postseason, while you guys were the very definition of sucking. I hope you enjoyed sucking that hard, because you should get used to it. Phillies RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULEEE!!

Sincerely,

Phillie Phanatic

Dear “Phanatic”,

Thank you for your kind words. I hope you guys enjoyed your quarter of a fortnight in the spotlight. Too bad Dane Cook could only do one round of commercials about your glory.

-LLW

That Guy in My Fantasy Football League

Recent studies have shown that Americans waste approximately 200 million work-hours every day checking their fantasy sports teams, a net loss of approximately $45 trillion. Luckily, our corporate leaders exported fantasy sports over to Europe in 1989, so the effect has been minimal. With football season in full swing, the fantasy football sites have been humming loudly in offices and schools across the country (yes, guy who sits next to me in Complex Lit, I see you checking your team every 10 minutes. Guess what? You’re still in last place). Fantasy veterans primarily devote their time to one league, which they will refer to as “my league,” implying that they really don’t care about the league that you both are members of (which is known as “my other league”). With multiple leagues come multiple exposures to the various fantasy sports personalities, and I have broken down these personalities based on their real-life counterparts in my league for your entertainment.

The Commish: In some leagues, this position is mainly ceremonial, like the Queen of England, except without the money, celebrity status, and state dinners. In fact, it’s a lot like being a regular person except you can make people call you the Commish in real-life situations (I think Michael Chiklis used to do this back in 1995). Other commissioners take their job as seriously as (and often to the detriment of) their real job. They spend days pondering whether to make a change to the scoring system and set up the league website in the middle of July. They send you urgent emails reminding you that you haven’t paid the $11 yet and why can’t you just send the money, you lazy bastard, it’s only $11! Our Commish recently told me one night that he regretted not decreasing the scoring for QB touchdowns to four points each this season, so I called him a cab so he could sulk at home by himself. Nobody likes a downer.

The Rivals: No sports rivalry, save perhaps South Florida-Central Florida, can match the hatred that these two individuals have for each other. Though they have never met and most likely don’t even know what the other person looks like, the Rivals’ sole focus from September to December is beating the other individual to a bloody fantasy pulp. The origin of the rivalry has sadly been misplaced in the pages of history—aka our league message board from two years ago was deleted. I think it had something to do with the fact that Rival 1’s first and last names rhyme and this irritated Rival 2 to no end. He would often post messages at 3 in the morning after coming home from work drunk, insulting Rival 1’s manhood and female family members. Rival 1 would then respond with an equivalent exchange of obscenities and so forth. Things seem to be on the mend between the Rivals however, as Rival 1 recently asked Rival 2 to be an usher at his wedding.

The Newbie: The newest person in the league is usually a fantasy sports rookie or a new friend of one of the current members. Lacking familiarity with fantasy sports or the other league members, he stays off the message board and makes very few moves. This is often mistaken as apathy, and sometimes the other members will pushback angrily or try to take advantage by proposing a lopsided trade. The Newbie in our league this year is hardly a newbie in the traditional sense. He was a founding member of the league back in its initial season, but was summarily banned the following year after the current Commish seized power in a bloodless coup. The reasons for this ban are the stuff of legend--namely that the Newbie started hitting on a girl that the Commish was talking to in a bar and both men ended up going home alone that night. Either due to the Commish’s new found maturity or because he kicked his brother out of the league last season, the Newbie was reluctantly welcomed back into the fold.

The Idiot: This individual is first identified during the draft when he makes a boneheaded pick (like picking the Bears Defense in the third round. He will then follow up this savant-like pick by drafting Adam Vinatieri in the sixth round and then a second defense with his 10^th pick. This guy is basically a fantasy train wreck, but we keep him around because he is an easy win for the rest of us. Full disclosure: I recently lost to the Idiot in my league, making me the uber-Idiot. See below.

The Guy Whose Team Never Pans Out: TGWTNPO is a frustrated individual. Blessed with a high draft pick and a cursory knowledge of player value (i.e. he tore out the player rankings page from a fantasy football magazine in Barnes and Noble), this person relies on getting the best available in a certain round by checking average draft position religiously. Of course, in three months, no one will remember that the guy he picked in the sixth round outperformed most of the fifth rounders, but this fact will comfort TGWTNPO as he loses his fifth straight week and is heading towards another consolation bracket.