Super Terrific Baseball Season Preview Part 2

After reading part 1 of this unprecedented two-part baseball preview, you were probably thinking “it sounds like he just looked every team’s depth chart briefly then made a bunch of jokes about things that were funny a few years.” A nice thought, but you would be dead wrong. I looked at each team’s depth chart and roster for at least 5 minutes, which means I researched that column for almost 90 minutes. You probably feel pretty stupid now for doubting me. Anyway, on to part 2.

NL East

New York Mets: This team is one of the greatest teams ever assembled by a GM named Omar. With every position player back save Cliff Floyd (best friend David Wright might have trouble coping for awhile), and a rotation featuring a mix of young talent and AARP members, the Metropolitans should be declared World Series champions after the beat the Cardinals on April 1.

Atlanta Braves: Braves fans have spent all winter convincing themselves that last year’s poor performance was just a fluke and that this year will mark the first of another 14-straight division titles. Such unbridled optimism is nice to see once and a while, but unfortunately this will instead be year two of a 14-year playoff drought. Although Brian McCann has pretty good stats for a catcher.

Florida Marlins: Everyone made a big deal last year about how good the Marlins finished despite starting a team of mostly rookies. People fail to realize that the team finished 19 games out of first, fired their mananger-of-the-year manager and didn’t make the playoffs. That’s a pretty underachieving squad. Didn’t the Braves make the playoffs in 2005 with a bunch of rookies, an established position player and a good pitcher? That seems to be exactly what the Marlins had last season.

Philadelphia Phillies: Ryan Howard is supposedly the new young face of the league, but did you know that he’s older than Albert Pujols by two months? He already reached his peak in only his first full season! On the pitching side, the number two starter beats his wife and the number five starter is 45 years old (although still a bit younger than El Duque).

Washington Nationals: The Manny Acta Era is upon us and I for one am very excited. After clearing house in the offseason to build from the ground up, the Nationals will look like a very different team this season: one that stinks. Oh wait, that’s not any different from last year. With only one recognizable player, the only reason you have for going to RFK this stadium is to eat a mediocre pulled pork sandwich at Red, Hot and Blue.

NL Central

St. Louis Cardinals: Did they really win the World Series? Really? People don’t seem to realize the consequences of David Eckstein winning the World Series MVP. It sends a message to all the kids in America that if you try hard enough, you can achieve success (as defined by moronic baseball writers) even if you have absolutely no natural talent. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Tony La Russa’s DUI arrest last week. I know it’s pretty low to kick someone when they’re down (and asleep), but I think this whole incident proves that La Russa is no better than the rest of us who had a few drinks and was really tired and fell asleep at an intersection.

Chicago Cubs: Write this down: Alfonso Soriano will have more outfield assists than the number of innings Mark Prior will pitch this season.

Milwaukee Brewers: Apparently the Brewers are one of the sleeper teams of 2007. This characterization is completely off-base. In order to be a sleeper team, you must fly under the media radar for approximately three years while achieving moderate success and then bust out all of sudden with a great season. The Brewers, unfortunately, are already on the radar as a perennially sleeper team that never achieves anything. Therefore I won’t be sleeping (I am so hilarious sometimes) on them not to make the playoffs.

Houston Astros: I think that the Astros need to move on from their Roger Clemens fascination and start building their team around Koby Clemens. Given Koby’s so-so success in the minors so far, the team would be wise to convert him into a pitcher, so that 2/5ths of their rotation wouldn’t be taking up seats in the dugout during the days they aren’t pitching.

Cincinnati Reds: Did I make a Ken Griffey Jr. joke in last year’s baseball preview column? (Apparently I didn’t, but I did talk about Koby Clemens. Yikes). Anyway, Ken Griffey Jr. should serve as a warning that you can’t go home again because if you do, you will injure your hamstrings several times and be forced to move to right field to make way for some kid named Denorfia.

Pittsburgh Pirates: One of my friends is a huge Pirates fan, so if they have any sort of success this season (read: win more than 70 games), he is going to become unbearable. It was bad enough when Freddy Sanchez won the batting title last year, but can you imagine if the Pirates actually do something that matters?

NL West

Los Angeles Dodgers: The Dodgers were that team that everyone thought would beat the Mets in the NLDS, but then they got swept and everyone realized that they were wrong. To prove to everyone that they weren’t wrong, the Dodgers went out and signed a bunch of expensive free agents. Still feeling the heat from hiring a so-called “Moneyball” GM a few years ago, the team has been practicing not taking pitches in spring training and hopes to finish with the fewest walks in the league this year.

Arizona Diamondbacks: Randy Johnson is back in the desert and Diamondback fans are going crazy! The Diamondbacks themselves will also be going crazy if Eric Byrnes shows up in the clubhouse in one of his ridiculous suits that he sported as a postseason analyst on ESPN. Wow, that joke was pretty lame.

San Francisco Giants: I hope the Giants’ marketing campaign this season highlights the fact that their two premiere players are both named Barry. That would be really witty of them. Also I like how the team resisted the impulse to start any position players younger than 30. Those whippersnappers don’t know how the game is played!

San Diego Padres: With the Giles brothers reunited for the first time since Pony League ball and a sterling young ace in Greg Maddux, this may be the year the Padres win the NL West with a mediocre record and then win two games in the LDS before exiting gracefully from the playoffs.

Colorado Rockies: Little known fact: the Rockies have been lowering the altitude of Coors Field by several feet for the last 10 years. In another 20 years, the park will be exactly at sea level and the Rockies will finally be able to field a competitive team.

So here we are that end of this monstrous preview and I’ve come to one conclusion: every team except the Mets is pretty bad. I mean, go back and read this column again; I wrote something negative about every team! I must be a pretty bitter person. Anyway, here are my postseason predictions.

LDS

Yankees over Twins, Red Sox over A’s

Mets over Padres, Cardinals over Phillies

LCS

Red Sox over Yankees, Mets over Cardinals

World Series

Mets over Red Sox, 4-3

Idiots Who Read (and Write to) the New York Times

Given my first attempt to get a letter to the editor published in the NYT failed miserably, I thought I would turn my attention to letters that the Paper of Record considers worthy of being printed. The following letter was printed in response a Times editorial about the recent DC Circuit decision overturning the ban on handguns in the District.

To the Editor:

Residing in the District of Columbia area requires distinct differences in the way we lead our lives: When we enter a federal building, we are asked to step through a metal detector. When driving, we may be asked to take a detour. Even when walking down the street, we may be forced to pause as a diplomat’s motorcade passes an intersection.

Those of us who are required to follow these rules gladly do so each day. The argument that the Second Amendment protects the right of District citizens to keep handguns in their homes ignores other realities and usurps common sense.

I truly hope that the founding fathers did not intend to invite an inherent danger to the capital of their nation.

Matthew Taverna
Arlington, Va., March 14, 2007

Yikes. So many problems in so few words. The main point seems to be that the District is a special place with special rules, so if we have to make allowances in some areas of city life, it is perfectly reasonable to expect people to bow to Congress infringing their Second Amendment rights. Except that these "distinct differences" are present IN EVERY SINGLE CITY!

"When we enter a federal building, we are asked to step through a metal detector."

News flash: there's metal detectors in a lot office buildings these days. Also, there are federal buildings in places other than the District.

"When driving, we may be asked to take a detour."

First, driving in the District is a bad idea in the first place. Second, have you ever driven on any road in any city? There's always detours you have to take for a variety of reasons.

"Even when walking down the street, we may be forced to pause as a diplomat’s motorcade passes an intersection."

There's probably more motorcades in the District than other cities, but you would also be forced to pause as a fire truck or ambulance pass an intersection in any city.

"Those of us who are required to follow these rules gladly do so each day."

Like you have a choice? If you don't follow them, you will either not be able to enter a building or die. I guess avoiding these consequences makes one glad to follow the rule.

"The argument that the Second Amendment protects the right of District citizens to keep handguns in their homes ignores other realities and usurps common sense."

I love it when people make a farcical argument to support something, and then put down the other side by making vague references to a lack of common sense. Hey idiot: your examples have nothing to do with the right to own a handgun! It's the slippery slope fallacy and a pretty poor example of it that. Under your logic, we shouldn't be allowed to own handguns in any city. I guess these "distinct differences" also explain why District residents don't (and shouldn't) have any representation in Congress. Hey, you can't vote because the District is a special place with metal detectors and road detours! It usurps common sense!

"I truly hope that the founding fathers did not intend to invite an inherent danger to the capital of their nation."

I don't think the founding fathers even intended the District to actually be a real city with full-time residents. If we wanted to prevent this "inherent danger" (which exists everywhere else in the country where people own guns), Congress could simply pass a law banning personal handguns within 100 feet of the area surrounding the National Mall. That way members of Congress could feel even safer (even though they already have security, something 75% can't afford and probably needs) and people could protect themselves in their homes.

"Matthew Taverna
Arlington, Va., March 14, 2007"

What? You don't even live in the District (although neither do I)! You're just an asshole across the river who thinks that guns are bad and that your neighbors shouldn't be allowed to have one while you can (you can even carry a handgun in public! Two if you want). Although you will probably never read this, I would just like to say that you, Matthew Taverna, are an idiot with an extreme lack of reasoning skills. I hope your published stupidity one day catches up with you , like when you're over for dinner at a friend's house in the District and an armed robber breaks in and kills you both because your friend couldn't own a handgun.

In conclusion, this letter was completely retarded and my letter criticizing Murray Chass was much more worthy of being published in this respectable newspaper. Good day.

Super Terrific Baseball Season Preview Part 1

Last year I accomplished the remarkable feat of predicting three of the four LCS teams before the season had even started. This clearly indicates that I should be writing more about baseball and that is exactly what you’re going to get this month. I’ll be tackling the American League this week, with an unprecedented team-by-team preview!

AL East

Boston Red Sox: With an extremely busy offseason, the Red Sox brought in several new players to help them relive the magic that was the 2003 season. We’ve all been bored to tears over new Japanese pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka’s secret gyroball pitch, but I am here to tell you that he has no such pitch. What people think is this super secret crazy pitch is actually just a regular fastball coated with Dice-K’s blood (he is descended from a long line of samurais, so his blood has mystical power!)

New York Yankees: After the “Best Lineup Ever” failed to win a playoff series, the Yankees traded Gary Sheffield, but not before taking him behind an alley and beating the crap out of him for several minutes. I’m told this sort of thing happens all the time in New York City; it seemed to happen every 10 seconds on that new show, The Black Donnelleys. Meanwhile, every single female Yankee fan is still hysterical over the team signing Andy Pettitte, and this is sure to be a source of annoyance for anyone who knows one of these women.

Toronto Blue Jays: The Blue Jays didn’t do anything this offseason except sign Frank Thomas, but they balanced out that shrewd signing by also getting former Nationals shortstop Royce Clayton. I will waste no more space on them.

Baltimore Orioles: Last year the Orioles decided to get Kris Benson from the Mets. He proceeded to pitch mediocrely, get divorced, suffer a season-ending injury, and then withdraw his divorce papers. Trying to one-up this prior acquisition, the O’s signed another former Met, Steve Trachsel, who was last seen in China looking for a replacement arm.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays: It seems like each year the Devil Rays are one year from being a good team, and this year is no different, except they are probably two years away at this point.

AL Central

Chicago White Sox: Ozzie Guillen gets way too much credit as a baseball manager and as a person. Apparently he was not happy with his team’s performance last year, so he’s instituting 500 bunting drills during Spring Training to get the team to go back to its roots: purposefully giving up outs to advance runners. Every third batter must attempt a bunt or Ozzie call them a derogatory name and then claim that in his country, the word actually means cactus.

Cleveland Indians: Basically the same team as last year, the Indians will probably make the playoffs. I won’t write anymore on them because the feather in their logo offends me.

Detroit Tigers: After making the World Series last year behind the “brilliant” managing of Jim Leyland (his words, not mine), the Tigers will fall back to earth this season, as Gary Sheffield will provoke a locker room brawl after trying to film Kenny Rogers showering.

Minnesota Twins: I am now realizing that a team-by-team preview might not such have been a good idea, since most of these AL teams did very little in the offseason or are extremely boring. The Twins fit both of these descriptions.

Kansas City Royals: As I commented last year, the Royals are horrible. If I were to pick one word to describe them, I would pick craptacular. I think this accurately describes a team that paid $11 million/year for Gil Meche and whose leading homerun hitter only managed 18. They stink.

AL West

Oakland Athletics: The continued World Series drought of the “Moneyball” squad no doubt gives baseball old-timers a chuckle every now and again. They laugh because they know that if they were any other business and had to back up their views with quantitative statistics, they would have been fired 50 years ago.

Los Angeles Angels: Do they still play that rally monkey video at Angels’ games? I bet that got real annoying four years ago.

Texas Rangers: I am proud to say that I am two phone calls away from possibly being able to relay a message to Rangers’s general manager Jon Daniels. If I was going to, I probably would tell him to stop acquiring players from the Nationals (specifically players named Marlon Byrd).

Seattle Mariners: Unable to win the bidding on Dice-K, the Mariners missed out on having the first ever Japanese pitcher-catcher tandem (including Japan. Most catchers in the Japanese major leagues are Mongolian. True story). Seattle made up for this by convincing themselves that signing Jeff Weaver was a good idea. Sure he had a 2.43 ERA in the playoffs, but that was the playoffs, some place the Mariners won’t be for a long time.

In conclusion, the American League is pretty boring, so I am therefore also concluding that the National League will be 15 times more exciting. Stay tuned for Part 2 in two weeks, which will also feature extremely accurate postseason predictions (World Series not included).