Overheard in … THE U

Kellen Winslow Jr. is a soldier. The third-year Cleveland Browns tight end is a unique soldier in that he loves to run his mouth. A lot. You probably first heard of him three years ago, when, as a junior at THE U, he called himself “a f---ing soldier" during an emotional outburst after a game. After missing all of last season due to a motorcycle accident, Winslow is busy making up for lost time by continuing to run his mouth, complaining about his lack of getting the ball in Week 2. Apparently, he had just finished reading Keyshawn Johnson’s autobiography.

Every soldier needs a good wingman, and fortunately, Winslow has a brother-in-arms in Giants tight end Jeremy Shockey. I spotted the pair this past week at a sports bar in DC watching Monday Night Football, and fortunately, I had my tape recorder with me.

Kellen Winslow: I just don’t get it, Shocks. I’m a f---ing soldier. They should be getting me the ball every down. EVERY DOWN.

Jeremy Shockey: You’re definitely, definitely right, K2. Why shouldn’t you be getting the ball?

K: I know, right? I mean, we’re pretty terrible. Who is the hell is this Charlie Frye guy anyway? Where’d he go to school? I can tell you where he didn’t go—THE U. And this Braylon Edwards character is just awful. He’s taking away my receptions. They don’t even put me in on third down, Shock Attack. Do you bench a soldier during a battle like that? I think not.

J: Damn right, you don’t, K2. You’re a solider. I love soldiers. I love them so much, I had this huge eagle tattooed on my arm to show my support.

K: Thanks for having my back, Shock-town. I’ll never forget the time you were spotting me down at THE U this summer and I was about to crush my sternum with the bar, and you picked it up and threw it against the wall and saved my life.

J: No biggee, K2. But you probably shouldn’t have been trying to bench press 1500 pounds. Even for me, that’s a little much.

K: Yeah, I know, Shocker, but I’m a f---ing soldier! I thought I could handle it.

J: I know where you’re coming from. They’re making me practice this week, but my ankle hurts so much. I can barely walk right now.

K: I’ll go get you a bag of ice, Shox. Be right back.

[Returns with ice]. Here you go. You know, if I weren’t a soldier, I definitely could have been a medic.

J: Thanks, K2. Man, I miss THE U. I wish we could just play there forever. I mean, we work out there every summer together instead of working with our actual teammates, but is that enough? Shouldn’t we be down there all the time? Look at how badly they’re doing this year.

K: Way ahead of you, JShock. I don’t know if I should be telling you this yet, because it’s still in the planning stages, but I’m planning a massive coup of the Miami Dolphins. I’ve scrounged up a couple of tanks, and we are going to march on their training facility, kick everyone off the team who didn’t go to THE U, and reform the team with only THE U alumni.

J: Sort of like that Thai general, right K2? That guy took over an entire country with only 20 tanks! We’ll probably only need like three or four.

K: I’m thinking we could improvise with two tanks, Shock-Squad.

J: OWWW, my ankle.

K: You alright?

J: Yeah, it’s just this ankle; I was walking the dog yesterday and must’ve tweaked it.

K: [Rolls his eyes and continues with the plan] Luckily, we already have a guy on the inside, so that will make things a lot easier. My man Vernon Carey, or “The General” as we liked to call him, is already on the ‘Phins, so he’s been feeding me a ton of information.

J: Cool, cool, K2. When is this all going down?

K: Well, right now, Shock Jock, it’s me, you, and the General. I’ve been pouring over scouting reports, trying to find the best THE U players in the NFL to join our new team. Once I’ve got the potential roster assembled, then we make our move.

J: You’re a patient strategist, K2, I like that. What kind of offense are we going to run?

K: Well, Shock ‘n Awe, I had a lot of time these past two years to develop a new system that features, of course, the tight end, which is probably the best and most important position in all of sports.

J: True that, K2.

K: Basically, it’s version of the college option, except that instead of a running back, we use the tight end. And there are no receivers, just extra linemen. Actually, we’ll be using linebackers as the extra linemen because they are obviously faster. Also, I’m contemplating using a tight end instead of a quarterback.

J: Yes, YES, that is awesome, K2.

K: Glad you approve, The Shockinator. I’ve actually got a meeting with Coach Crennel this week to see with if we can implement some of the playbook this season. You know, sort of a trial run, so we’ll know what works well. I mean, the Browns are going nowhere this season, so I’m sure Coach and the rest of the team would be really excited to help us fine tune this new system.

J: Well, K2, it’s been fun, but I need to get back up to NYC. Keep me updated on your plan though, I’m really excited about it.

K: Will do, Shockeel O’Neal. Tell my boy Feagles I said hi. We’re going to need a good punter next year.

Washington DC: Sports Capital of the Nation’s Capital

Thanks to the addition of the Nationals last spring, Washington DC is now a four-sport town. Or five, if you want to count soccer. Or six, if you want to count the WNBA, which I won’t. In fact, most of you probably don’t consider hockey to be a real sport anymore, but what do you know? In addition to DC’s pro teams, we have a number of college teams which are also pretty good. For those of you new to town, or those of you who couldn’t care less about DC sports, consider this your primer/refresher on the exciting athletic competition you will probably be ignoring for the next year.

Football

The Washington Redskins went 0-4 in the preseason, but don’t worry, you can still hear all about their glorious success on the NEW Triple X ESPN Radio: 94.3 FM to the West, 92.7 FM to the East, and 730 AM all over DC. Oh yeah! But wait, why do we need three stations to cover such a small geographical area? Well, these stations purchased by Fearless Leader Snyder have such weak signals that you’ll need to flip from one to the other as you drive through DC. Hope you have a lot of presets (also don’t try listening to the AM station late at night because it won’t be operating past 5 PM). With the Redskins firmly in control of the local media, you can expect another 16-0 regular season on the way to the team’s 346^th straight Super Bowl title. Don’t listen to what those crazies at the Washington Post are saying.

Over in College Park, the Terps thoroughly trounced Middle Tennessee St. after squeaking by William & Mary in their opener (I’m writing this on Friday, so if Maryland only won by 28 points or less or somehow lost, I would be mocking them much more). The team continues to gear up for what will be the most pivotal game of the season against Florida International in two weeks. Hopefully Coach Friedgen won’t make the mistake of looking ahead to this game during the team’s tune-up against West Virginia. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the Hoyas’ squad—they stink. Also, I want to give a shout-out to the GW football team, which doesn’t even exist anymore: if you guys still played, you could probably beat Georgetown.

Baseball

The big baseball news of the summer in DC was the newly-opened Terrace Food Court at RFK. Oh, and the Nationals got new owners and three of the starting pitchers have an ERA over 5. And they’re also in last place. Don’t want to overlook that. The new food court features five new vendors, offering such delicious fare as crab cakes, chicken wings, catfish, and beef brisket BBQ sandwiches. This food is so delicious that you’ll completely forget that that you paid $15 for it and that the Nationals are awful. Well, maybe only for three minutes. But there is hope—the new Nationals stadium is set to be completed by spring 2008, and we all know that construction projects are always completed on time. When this majestic new park is open, you will be able to experience the thrill of transferring to the Green Line with thousands of other people at the same time! My only hope is that they continue the policy currently in use at RFK of using ushers to only guard the PNC Diamond Club seats.

Basketball

The Wizards, who really need an established center, drafted some Ukranian guy who reminds ESPN.com of Keith Van Horn. Apparently GM Ernie Grunfeld is drafting a bunch of centers with tremendous upside and should even one of the upside-filled youngsters develop into someone looking like an actual basketball player, well, you can forget about it. We all know how well the last big man the Wizards drafted turned out, so I think this is a good strategy. It’s too bad that guy from Senegal who only learned how to play basketball two years ago was already off the board before the Wizards’ pick; he has unbelievable upside. I think the Wizards are really being stupid here in not considering me as a potential draft pick as I have the most upside out of any player in the country. I have zero years of organized basketball experience, and the last time I actually played, I beat these two guys at the gym in a game to 11.

Readers of this column last year may have noticed that I failed to write even one sentence about the GW basketball team, which went undefeated in the A-10 regular season before losing in the conference tournament. The Colonials were shafted in the NCAA Tournament, seeded 8^th in the Atlanta regional and having to face Duke in the second round. Having now surpassed last year’s total commentary on the basketball team in the past two sentences, you can expect much more coverage of our squad in this space in the coming months.

Hockey

Alexander Ovechkin is amazing. It is worth the $5 to sit up in the worst seats at the Verizon Center to watch him play (along with the rest of the Capitals; I’m pretty sure 90% of Ovechkin’s goals last year were unassisted). Sadly, his talent alone is not enough to carry the team to the playoffs, but now that captain and fan favorite Jeff Halpern has been cast aside, only good things can be in the cards for the hockey capital of the Mid-Atlantic.